"Kim-ssi, I think you've had enough..."

Jaejoong yanked his arm away from the bartender, the glass of beer still in his hand. 

"Sir, I really don't think--"

"I'm fine!! Let me be!!" The tears were already cascading down his cheeks for the fourth time that night. He haphazardly threw some bills on the counter and slammed the glass back onto the table, storming out of the club angrily.

As he stood in the silence of the night, Jaejoong basked in the cold breeze. The cool of the night wind was a contrast to his heated, drunk body. With dizzy steps, he trudged his way down the dark alleyway. Jaejoong suddenly remembered the time that Yunho described his most memorable kiss. His girlfriend had been drunk and called him out to pick her up at a club.

When he arrived, she told him to kiss her there right on the spot, and he hesitated. To the YunJae fans, they used this as evidence how it hadn't been Yunho's girlfriend, but actually Jaejoong. He scoffed now at the thought. He wouldn't have minded a drunken kiss from Yunho. Jaejoong had no preferences in ual orientation; however, Yunho had never expressed his ideas on homouality before. 

As the Korean stumbled down the alley, his phone suddenly buzzed. He expected it to be Yoochun or Junsu asking where the hell he was at this time of night, but it wasn't.

"Oppa!! Why didn't you go to Park-ssi's funeral?! Why are you so heartless?! Don't you love him as your own father?! How do you think Yoochun feels, huh?!"

It was true. A couple days ago, JYJ had landed in Korea and the funeral for Yoochun's father had been held the other day. Jaejoong hadn't attended. His heart was too grieved. His bitter tears soaked his bedsheets thoroughly. For three days he cried and ended up missing the funeral. No one let him live it down.

He went back to work the day after the funeral and everyone everywhere was taunting him, calling him weak for not attending the ceremony. Yoochun and Junsu convinced him otherwise, but the text he just received shattered his confidence once again. 

Just as the drunken singer stumbled out of the alleyway, three girls suddenly pushed him back into the dark. He coward in fear as they slapped him. He barely understood what they were saying because they were yelling simultaneously, but he caught certain words like "lowlife," "," "er," "," and "funeral."

These girls were obviously pissed that Jaejoong hadn't attended the funeral. He whimpered, curling up into a ball by the wall as they kicked him viscously in the rib cage, thick stilettos piercing his side. A rope was thrown next to him, but not any ordinary rope--a noose.

"You deserve to die," they spat before turning away from the once so respected singer and walking away, leaving the poor man bleeding in the dark. 

Jaejoong eyed the noose as he tried to calm his breathing and ignore the pain. His head spun and all he could think about was how right the girls were. What kind of a friend was he to Yoochun? He wasn't a sufficient leader to Junsu and Yoochun. This is why Yunho had always been the leader. Jaejoong couldn't handle the pressure. 

His fingers curled over the knot of the rope, and his vision went black. 


It was bright. Blinking rapidly, Jaejoong tried to focus his blurry vision to see his surroundings. He gazed at the ceiling. It was white. Everything around him was white as far as he could tell.

Am I in heaven? he asked himself. Turning his head toward the window, he saw that it was raining. No, he thought. This isn't heaven, because it'd always be bright out if it were my heaven. 

The word heaven suddenly brought back the lyrics to their song "In Heaven." He began singing to pass the time. 

"Oh, Kim-ssi, you're awake," an unfamiliar voice said.

Jaejoong sat up slowly as the doctor checked his charts. 

"Don't move too much," the doctor warned. "You almost shattered a rib. What were you doing last night?"

"I don't know... I was drinking... And then some girls came up to me... I don't know." Jaejoong put a hand to his forehead. How did he get here? Remnants of the night before flashed through his mind. He remembered the three figures pushing him back into the alleyway and the pain of one of the girl's shoes puncturing his frail, pale skin on his side. He poked the wound and winced. Though smarting, he could tell that the gash was closing up quickly. A prominent sentence said to him from last night stood out in Jaejoong's memories though. 

"You deserve to die."

He shivered at the words. Jaejoong also remembered the noose thrown at him. The memory of the rough, coarse rope his fingers had slid over made him shudder. So rough was the frayed noose, yet so soft death would be after the clutches of the rope tightened over his slender throat. 

"Kim-ssi," the doctor said suddenly. "You should be fine going back to work, but don't do anything too rigorous."

Jaejoong nodded, head throbbing, and got out of the bed as the doctor filled out some papers and handed them to the singer. Hospitals weren't Jaejoong's favorite places in the world. Death lurked within these halls, yet healing also seeped through each room. For Jaejoong, he wished death would've reached him first. 

Jaejoong had walked back to the club he had been at last night, not even minding the rain falling about him, and searched for his car in the parking lot. He really didn't expect to see white spray paint all over the windows and the words " you" on the hood of his car in red. Unfortunately, the rain did nothing to wash out the paint. The singer sighed in exasperation, rubbing his head to try and release some of the pain. He could hardly drive back to the dorm in that car without getting questions from Yoochun and Junsu. Questions would be asked anyways because he never came home last night. 

Jaejoong called his manager and had him pick him up. Twenty minutes later and Jaejoong was headed in his manager's car to the recording studio where Junsu and Yoochun were at. Relieved hugs bombarded Jaejoong's person as his two bandmates overwhelmed him with relief and joy that he was okay, for the most part. 

"Where were you last night?" asked Yoochun. 

Jaejoong only shook his head. 

"He reeks of alcohol," Junsu said. "He definitely went clubbing!"

Sniffling, Jaejoong couldn't think of anything other than the rude fans from last night. Did he deserve to die? Did the world really want him to disappear? Did he even want to live anymore? What was there to live for?

"Jaejoong hyung," Junsu called. 

Jaejoong glanced at him. "Yeah?"

"Did you ever finish that song for Junsu's album?" the PD asked. 

The singer blinked. "Oh... Yeah... The lyrics and music? It's in Chunnie's backpack," he answered, calling Yoochun over with a hand.

"Why is it in Yoochun's bag?" asked Junsu.

"So I wouldn't forget it," Jaejoong answered, handing the PD a CD and Junsu the lyrics sheet. 

"I've heard Joongie hyung sing it while he was composing, so I think I should get the beat easily," Junsu said, walking into recording booth. 

Jaejoong swayed uneasily as he listened to the soft beginning of the track. The piano was pretty, and the sudden tapping of the drum cymbals were a nice touch. When Junsu began singing, Jaejoong's heart stopped. It was a brilliant idea to give the song to Junsu to sing. The meaning would've come out differently if Jaejoong had sung it. Jaejoong mouthed the words of the song.

"If I get drunk and call you and tell you that I love you, you just need to only listen. "

A roaring headache still rushed around in his head, like a tiger pouncing around its cage constantly. Without realizing it, Jaejoong started crying. Yoochun put an arm over Jaejoong's shoulder and hugged him as Junsu continued singing. 

Junsu's voice was unique, higher pitched than a normal male's yet able to reach low notes. Light and smooth, Junsu's voice was. Sometimes his voice was pure , like in "Intoxication," but here, it was completely heartfelt and passionate. He was a passionate singer, one who poured his entire heart into every single. It was his charm. And sometimes the way his voice pitched higher than normal or the long high notes that bursted suddenly from his vocals left goosebumps on Jaejoong's skin. 

Junsu's voice was a big contrast to Yoochun's though. Somehow, Yoochun's voice was both high pitched and low pitched, able to switch ranges easily. But not just emotion flowed from Yoochun's heart into a song, but his own thoughts and lyrics. Junsu was capable of doing so as well, and had succeeded before, but he found that having friends composing his songs made them more heartfelt to sing. Yoochun could sing nearly anything and bring tears to anyone's eyes. His voice was pure emotion, everything from his heart. 

Jaejoong's own voice was soft, softer than the other two's. He wasn't a weak singer, he knew, but he feared becoming tone deaf again. It wasn't likely, but not impossible. Jaejoong strived for perfection in himself and singing was a talent and profession of his; he couldn't afford to mess up. Many times Jaejoong had sung Changmin to sleep using children lullabies. Other times he and Yoochun had collaborated for random music singles. Jaejoong had come to realize that his and Yoochun's voices were terrific matches. Yoochun's voice was rich with flavor and emotion while Jaejoong's held sweetness and melody. 

During his thinking, Jaejoong suddenly lost feeling in his limbs, slumping into Yoochun's lap. 

"Joongie?" Yoochun said worriedly. 

The oldest's eyes slid shut as his head hung heavily on his friend's shoulder. The last thing Jaejoong heard was the sound of Junsu's beautiful voice screaming, "Hyung!!"


The TV screen made Jaejoong's eyes water, the bright colors of the screen drying out his eyes as he stared intently at the only lighting in the room. The media had spread around that Jaejoong had refused to go to the Park funeral because he was too grieved and that he'd collapsed yesterday due to exhaustion. They left out the part where he got drunk and threatened, but then again, who cared? 

The tears had finally ceased falling, no more sorrow or pain left to weep. Jaejoong was a nearly empty carcass now. Smacking his dry lips, Jaejoong decided he was thirsty. Trudging over to the fridge, a thin blanket wrapped around his thin shoulders, the singer inspected the fridge for a drink. There was water, soda, and other soft drinks, but his choice of thirst quenchers had been a twelve pack case of beer. 

Sitting down on the couch, Jaejoong opened his first can of beer. He needed music. Turning off the TV, Jaejoong the stereo system. The last CD to have been put in the disk player had been Junsu's rough copy of his nearing comeback. Jaejoong had downed the entire first can of beer by the end of the first song. A second beer followed right away. The hiccups and small sobs of pain and fear soon escaped Jaejoong's throat. 

Somehow, after the seventh beer, Jaejoong ended up upside down on the couch with a pen and paper in hand, writing down whatever lyrics he could think of, anything that popped into mind. He hummed a tuneless melody as he rubbed his clothed toes together in a giddy manner. 

Jaejoong knew what he was doing. It was never easy for him to get drunk, but soberness floated along the edges of his consciousness. Word after word was written on paper, words that made no sense and jumbled together on a paper. But Yoochun would understand, because he was Yoochun and he knew Jaejoong best. 

The drunken singer swayed to the beat of the song, loving how he'd composed Junsu's song. Lyrics flew off his tongue as smoothly as drinking water. Singing was a second nature to Jaejoong and he loved it. The way the words had tied perfectly in with the music accompaniment gave him a sense of accomplishment. Jaejoong suddenly reached over to the coffee table and picked up his phone. Sobriety had left his mind by now, all twelve cans of beer finally settled in Jaejoong's stomach. Numbers were haphazardly typed into the phone and the call button was pushed. 

"Hello?" a sleepy voice answered.

"Yoochun-ah!!! I love you!!!" Jaejoong screamed into the phone.

"Jaejoong? I'm not Yoochun..."

"Oh... Sorry, Junsu-ah. I love you!!!" A goofy smile was stretched across the singer's lips. 

"Joongie, you're drunk. Go to sleep."

"If I get drunk and call you and tell you that I love you, you just need to only listen," he sang. 

"I am listening, but I'm not hearing my own name."

"Oh... Yunnie-ah!! When did you get here?"

"Joongie, go to bed. You're drunk."

"I'm not drunk. I'm Jaejoong! Kim Jaejoong. Hero Jaejoong! Dong Bang Shin Ki forever!!!!"

"Jaejoong... Go to bed... Please..."

Jaejoong frowned as silence wafted through both ends of the phone. 

"I can't go to sleep," he said darkly. "They're there. They'll say bad things to me."

"Who?" 

"Sasaeng fans. They beat me up. They told me I deserve to die, Yunnie!!"

"Who?! I'm going to kick their ! Holy , Jaejoong! Why didn't you tell me earlier?! You should've called me right away!"

"No. It's okay, Yunho-ah. It's okay. I'll let you sleep now. I love you, Yunho!!!"

"God, Joongie... Go to bed too. I'm going to find out who said that to you."

"It's okay, Yunnie... I won't sleep. Good night!!!"

"Wait--!" 

Jaejoong hung up already. A solemn atmosphere loomed around him as he glanced one last time at his shared apartment. The case of beer was left uncleaned and scattered around the living room. He forgot to turn off the stereo, but didn't feel like turning it off anyway. The drunken note he'd written lay abandoned on he coffee table, in plain sight for Yoochun to find. Moonlight streamed through the thin curtains of the apartment, the only faint light in the room now. 

Jaejoong turned his back on his home. He walked out to the nearest store, bought some rope, and disappeared into the night.