Junsu was woken up by Yoochun's furious shaking of his shoulder. 

"Huh?" he said sleepily, picking his head off of the car seat. 

"We're home, Junsu," Yoochun said, opening the  car door. 

Junsu quickly grabbed his bag and jumped out behind Yoochun. Stretching out his sore, cramped limbs, Junsu asked, "What time is it?" 

"Some time around five in the morning," Yoochun answered. 

"Ah... It was worth it, I guess. The album sounds better now, right?" Junsu replied as they headed up to the apartment with quick steps, hoping sasaeng fans hadn't followed them. 

Yoochun nodded. "It sounded great either way, but this way was much better." 

Junsu nodded. "I was just hoping that I got the feel of Jaejoong hyung's song right," he said. "I feel like he was writing the lyrics about Yunho, and then other times, it just sounds like a heartbreaking drama." 

Yoochun only nodded as he and Junsu neared their apartment. Punching in the passcode, the pair flinched as a loud blast of music roared in their ears. Yoochun ran to the stereo and shut it off. 

"Jaejoong hyung!! We're back!!" Junsu yelled as soon as all had returned to serenity.

"Aish!" Yoochun growled as he glared at the empty beer cans. "He's been drinking again."

Junsu only shrugged off his bag and strode to Jaejoong's room. "Hyung! Wake up!" he demanded. The tenor placed a hand on the empty blankets, eyes widening. 

"Yoo-Yoochun-ah!!!!" he screamed. "He's not here!!"

Junsu heard the sound of Yoochun dropping the empty cans of beer and dashing to the doorframe of Jaejoong's room. "What do you mean he's not here?" he hissed worriedly.

Junsu pulled the blanket off the bed to reveal an untouched mattress, one deprived of a certain singer. Yoochun ran out of the room and checked every bedroom, each lacking the presence of Jaejoong. Terror rose in Yoochun's throat. Where was Jaejoong? What caused him to leave? Why was there no note written?

Junsu, on the other hand, was more worried of his hyung's health. Had he slept? Had he eaten? Had he drunken anything other than beer last night? Where could he be? 

Frustrated, Yoochun barked, "Junsu-ah! Call Joongie's cellphone! I'm going downstairs and seeing if the security guards know where he went."

Junsu fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed Jaejoong's phone number. Impatience and worry grew in his chest with every ring of his phone. It seemed as if he were waiting forever for Jaejoong to pick up. Suddenly, a familiar tune, "In Heaven," blasted through the apartment. Junsu swerved to look at the kitchen counter where Jaejoong's phone lay buzzing, an incoming call from Junsu flashing on the screen. Ending the call, the tenor rushed out of the apartment, yelling, "Yoochun! He doesn't have a phone on him! It's here!!"

Yoochun, who'd taken the stairs, shouted, "!" He then continued onwards to the guards' quarters as Junsu decided to pick up the beer cans. 

An annoyed face with a sharp tone answered to the rapid constant knocking Yoochun's fist inflicted upon the door of the guards' quarters. "Do you know where Jaejoong's gone?" he blurted out.

The half-asleep guard answered, "No. Last night he stumbled out and turned left. Don't know where he went."

Suddenly, Junsu rushed into the guards' quarters and shook Yoochun by the shoulders to face him. "He left a note," he muttered. 

Yoochun snatched the paper from Junsu and read it carefully, but after the first few lines Yoochun became disheartened to see that Jaejoong was obviously drunk when he'd written the letter. 

"Dear you, why don't you leave me alone? Dear you, you always pick up my phone calls. Dear me, why am I so stupid and weak? 

"Hi, Yoochunnie!!! Bye, Yoochunnie!!! I love you and Junsu too. And Changmin. And Yunho. But I'm tired and need to sleep. Will you follow me afterwards? 

"Lalala~~ Angel dear, angel sweet, angels who've come to put me to sleep. But I'm no angel. Angels of spikes and chain are rich angels, but I only have rope. Lalala~ I'm really sleepy. Even though I loved to the ends of the earth, it's not enough for you. Even though I scream until my voice is lost, it's not enough for you. Even though I gave you my heart, it's not enough for you. Why isn't it enough?!?! 

"Down by the river do I sleep. Soft and calm the river is my enemy. But I love the river! Water, water, watch it flow. Down the banks and in the falls. Wash away my sins and drown my problems. Peaceful waters of the earth, choke me to purification.

"Oh! Yoochun-ah~~~ remember don't talk to ropes of snakes or snakes of ropes. They're evil! But for me, they'll love me! You know... You know... U-KNOW?! 

"Little snake, pretty snake, snakes of green, red, and orange, bite, bite, bite my skin. Make me colorful like you! Bite me red. Bite me blue. Bite me purple. Bite me white! Bite me until I'm more colorful than bright white city lights! 

"Yunho-ah!! Thank you for calling me! It was fun! And Junsu! I miss your hugs already. And your duckbutt is disappearing!! Stop losing weight! Don't be skinny like me! It's annoying to find clothes. 

"Little lamb, white lamb, run along, run along. Find your caretaker. I had some, but I can't take care of them like they do me. When I fall, you laugh. When I smile, you take pictures. When I die... Who knows? 

"Hey! Changminnie! Do you want ramyun tonight or bulgogi?! Or we can go to Okinawa and get food! Yunnie can drive us! Yah! Junsu! Don't play soccer over there! It's dangerous! Oh, Yoochun! Remember to wash the clothes. Junsu will never remember. Take care. I'm going to go to sleep. Bye!!!

"Soft voice, power voice, leader voice, dolphin voice, rich voice, together, I'll miss you!!" 

Junsu winced as he watched an angry faced Yoochun crush the letter in his fist, shaking in rage and frustration. 

"Chunnie..." Junsu said softly. "What does it mean?"

"Hell if I know!!" Yoochun screamed. "This note means nothing but children's gibberish if the damned bastard can't even leave a proper letter much less a decoder for this script that's called a ing damn goodbye note! It's worthless to me!!"

The tenor calmly took Yoochun's fist into his hands, gently prying open the clenched fingers wrapped tightly around Jaejoong's "gibberish." 

"This note is meant for us to figure out, Yoochun," Junsu said softly. "We'll find Jaejoong hyung. Don't worry."

Yoochun's shaking fist finally released the crumpled piece of paper at Junsu's encouraging words. 

"We can decipher this note ourselves," added Junsu. "Just breathe, and think of Jaejoong hyung, that unpredictable kitten."

Yoochun coughed a laugh and wiped away a couple tears he'd shed in frustration. "Alright, we'll find him," he answered. Junsu smiled. 

"Great," the annoyed and sleepy security guard barked. "Now get out." 

As the two began climbing the stairs back up to their apartment, the singers were worried. 

"Should we call the police?" asked Junsu.

"I don't think so yet," Yoochun answered while shaking his head. "For a missing person case, they have to be gone for at least twelve hours, I think."

"How long has Jaejoong hyung been gone?" the tenor wondered out loud as Yoochun opened the door to the apartment. 

"For now, let's hope Joongie is okay and well," Yoochun said. "Go to bed and if he doesn't come home soon, then we'll call the managers."

Junsu nodded and started off to his room. Meanwhile, the baritone took a hot shower to calm his jittery, frayed nerves. Junsu used the other bathroom to shower. However, neither of the men could enjoy the warmth of the water when the icy cold of worry and fear encased their hearts and minds. When they were both squeaky clean, albeit wrinkled and pruned like dried grapes, they settled down into their own rooms to sleep, beds soft and fluffy, surrounding the overworked singers in feathers and cotton, but neither of them could even close their eyes for a moment. Ten minutes of laying in silence passed before Junsu decided to crawl in bed next to Yoochun, but no words between the two young men were exchanged. 

"Say something..." Junsu murmured, tired of the silence. 

"What do you want me to say?" asked Yoochun. 

"Say that Joongie hyung will come home tonight," he breathed, hugging the blanket. "Tell me that he's okay and that he only took a short walk. Tell me we'll see him again."

"I could," Yoochun answered, turning on his side toward Junsu, "but would it make a difference?"

Junsu bit his lip, blinking tears away in the darkness. "No," he whimpered, burying his face into his pillow. 

Yoochun rubbed the younger's arm, now muscled but skinny. "Don't cry, Junsu-ah. I hate when you cry," he murmured. 

Suddenly, Junsu coughed a chuckle. 

"What's so funny?" asked Yoochun, a meek but sincere grin cracking his dry lips. 

"I was thinking of an interview Yunho hyung once had," Junsu said, rubbing his tears onto the pillow. "The MC had said something like, 'Oh! Your fans know so much about you! They must even know where you live!' And then hyung said, 'But I bet that they don't know how many beds we have in the dorm.' 'Oh? I'm curious too! How many beds do you have?' 'Three!' And then all the fans instantly thought that you and I shared a bed, Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung shared one, and Changmin got his own."

Yoochun grinned widely. "I remember that."

"It was almost true," Junsu giggled. "Jaejoong hyung switched beds almost every night. He mostly slept with either you or Changmin; though I saw him in Yunho hyung's bed more than once."

"Changmin eventually got fed up with Jaejoong hyung and ended up sleeping on the couch," Yoochun said. 

The two friends laughed for a moment before silence and solemnity settled in. 

"Right after the lawsuit, I stayed with hyung in Japan," Junsu said randomly. "During that time, it was very quiet because Junho hyung wasn't around most of the time because of work. I composed many songs, most of which didn't reach a good result, and hyung even helped me. Still, I missed having a lanky Changmin or a blanket hogging, big forehead Yoochun in my bed." Junsu tapped Yoochun lightly on the forehead and giggled, and the older swatted his hand away from his face. 

"I went back to my parents'," Yoochun said softly. "Even though I was at home with my family, it didn't feel like a complete family. I missed the home that we'd created as Dong Bang Shin Ki. It was close."

"Was," Junsu emphasized wistfully. 

Yoochun glared at Junsu. "We'll be together as five again," he said. "Yunho hyung promised; it will happen." 

Junsu chuckled. "It's funny how we take Yunho hyung's word as law," he mused. 

Yoochun shrugged. "It's always been that way, hasn't it?"

Junsu to his stomach and hugged his pillow. "Do you think Jaejoong hyung will come back home?" he asked. 

Yoochun pursed his lips and stuck his arms under his pillow. "Junsu-ah, I told you, he'll--"

"I know what you said, but do you think deep down in your heart that Joongie hyung will come back? Or that the sasaeng fans have already gotten to him? Be honest."

Yoochun inhaled sharply. "As much as I want to hope he's stopped with this sasaeng fan business, I really think he's gone, but until that's proven, I believe he's coming home. From a Jaejoong view on this situation, I say, 'I need a smoke.'"

Junsu scoffed a chuckle as Yoochun got out of bed and took his pack of cigarettes with him. "Go to sleep, Susu," he cooed. "I'll be right back."

Junsu only buried his head within his pillow to suppress the whines and tears of his anguished cries, because he knew... Jaejoong wasn't coming home tonight. 


Yoochun sighed as he felt the cool breeze of the night flutter through his hair and blow away the wisps of smoke that he exhaled through his open mouth. The sour taste of worry was etched into his taste buds, rendering Yoochun's cigarette tasting bland and stale. Even as he glanced up at the stars, Yoochun did not feel at ease. 

Jaejoong was an unpredictable person. He could say one thing but mean another. He could eat spicy food like the devil but want ice cream the next moment. Jaejoong was odd and sporadic. In general, he was trouble. Wherever he went, chaos was soon to follow. 

If Jaejoong did run away, should Yoochun and Junsu chase after him and follow the rubble that Jaejoong would leave behind after destroying what he could? Or should they wait for the prodigal son to return home and reward him with a cow? 

If he came home, a rough voice snarled in the back of Yoochun's mind. 

The singer shook his head to rid himself of such thoughts and rubbed out his cigarette as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. His phone felt heavy in his hand, as if waiting for Jaejoong to call him and tell him he was alright, that he was sane--that the sasaeng fans hadn't gotten to him.  Yoochun so desperately wanted to believe that Jaejoong was well and healthy, but he knew the man was at the edge of insanity--one foot in reality, one foot in hell, yet both feet controlled by the sasaeng fans.

As the baritone scrolled through his contact list, smiling at the cute nicknames he'd given a lot of his contacts and frowning upon skimming over Jaejoong's phone number, his face lit up again when he noticed a familiar name, a person he'd not seen in a long while. Wondering whether he should bother him at this time of night, Yoochun decided that this was an important issue and he should know. Before he could have second thoughts, Yoochun pressed call and stuck the phone up to his ear.

"The hell... Is this Junsu?! I swear if it took you this long to call me and it happened to be at this time of night I'm going to kill you, you duckbutt boy!!"

Yoochun grinned. That was Changmin spunk for you. 

"Changmin-ah," Yoochun said softly. "It's Yoochun. Junsu-ah is asleep."

Changmin chuckled lowly. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't check my caller ID. Why are you calling so late, hyung? It's not like you."

Yoochun frowned, remembering why he wanted to call Changmin in the first place. "Jaejoong..." he murmured softly. 

"Jaejoong hyung? What about him?" asked Changmin. 

Yoochun bit his lip, thinking to himself for a moment before saying, "You can't tell Yunho hyung, got it?"

"Wait, why not? Hyung, what's wrong with Jaejoong hyung?!"

"Jaejoong hyung isn't with you and Yunho hyung, right?" asked Yoochun, wondering if that was a possibility.

"The hell... Yoochun hyung! If Jaejoong hyung were here would I be yelling and asking what happened to him?" Changmin nearly screamed.

"I guess not," Yoochun replied softly, chuckling silently at his stupidity.

"Then tell me, hyung. What's wrong with Jaejoong hyung?" Changmin's voice was soft, concerned.

"He's run away," Yoochun said in one breath. 

There was a short silence between the two, only the nearly inaudible sound of rustling sheets or the night wind transferring through the receivers. 

"I really can't tell Yunho hyung?" Changmin suddenly asked.

Yoochun nodded absentmindedly. "That's right. You can't tell him."

"Where's he gone? What can he do? Hyung, why is he like this?!" Changmin was hysteric.

It was only two words--two words that the five of them could always understand and relate to. "Sasaeng fans..."

"Oh my--and you just let him be that way?! Hyung!"

"It's out of my hands, Changmin! I did what I could to protect Joongie-ah! Do you know what Junsu was put through for Joongie's sake?! He was touched all over! He was shaking! He didn't let us touch him for nearly a month, Changmin. And you're saying we didn't do anything to protect Jaejoong hyung?"

There was a soft sigh before Changmin asked in a small voice, "How did it get like this?" 

"I don't know. But he's finally snapped. He left a note, but I can't figure out what he's saying."

"Let me hear it."

Yoochun recited Jaejoong's letter over the phone to Changmin. 

The younger chuckled.

"What?" asked Yoochun. 

"It just sounds so like him."

"Help me here! I have no idea what he's saying!"

"It's almost like having split personalities. I think he feels emotionally, mentally, and physically weak, like he doesn't deserve to live anymore."

"Do you think he would--"

"Commit suicide? I don't know. Jaejoong hyung is Jaejoong hyung."

Yoochun sighed. "Thank you, Changmin. You helped a bit."

"Please, I did more than Junsu hyung could've ever done," he snickered.

The baritone chuckled richly, but made no attempt to make amends to the joke. "Go to bed, Changmin-ah. You should be busy tomorrow."

"Hey, hyung," Changmin said. "If you do find Jaejoong hyung. Tell him I want to go to Okinawa. I miss those times."

Yoochun smiled, a tear escaping the corner of his eye. "Of course, Min. Good night."

"Good night, hyung."

With that, Yoochun ended the call and padded back into the apartment, closing the balcony door behind him to prevent the chilly night air from invading the warmth of his and his friends' home, but even as the cold was kept out, Yoochun still felt stiff and frigid with his constant worrying of his hyung's health. He paced to the kitchen, poured himself a cup of cold coffee, dark and black, bitter, and sat down at the kitchen table with Jaejoong's note underneath his nose.

He would decipher the damned thing even if it took him an eternity. 


When Junsu opened his eyes, it was bright and he was facing toward the wall. If Yoochun had been in bed, he would've been facing him, but considering the cold area next to Junsu, the tenor deducted that Yoochun had yet to see a bed last night. Junsu slowly got out of bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He trudge out of the room and found his baritone friend sitting at the kitchen table, bent over the note Jaejoong had written. 

"Morning, Yoochun," Junsu greeted, clapping a hand on Yoochun's shoulder and sitting in the chair next to him. 

"It's actually evening, Junsu-ah," Yoochun said, voice dead of emotion, eyes drooping and bloodshot.

Junsu quickly glanced at a clock, shocked he'd slept for so long and then scrutinized Yoochun's face where dark circles formed beneath the worried, dark brown eyes. "You never came back to bed," said Junsu softly. 

Yoochun sighed and sat back in his chair. "I've spent all night and day trying to decipher Joongie's chicken scratch," he muttered less than contently.

"What have you found out?" asked Junsu, leaning forward. 

"As far as I can tell," Yoochun said, "Jaejoong was talking to more than one person in this note. He directly speaks to me, you, Yunho hyung, and Changmin, but there's also this 'you' that he keeps referring to. I don't think he's talking to any of us, so this 'you' is only someone Jaejoong knows. This 'you' is someone he doesn't like though."

Junsu nodded. "What does this mean: 'Will you follow me afterwards?'" 

"Truthfully, I don't think Joongie's talking about sleeping," Yoochun answered. "It may be a poetic response."

"Sleeping?"

"I don't know. I'm more concerned about why he says, 'Peaceful waters of the earth, choke me to purification.' It's negative yet positive, I guess. I think he feels tainted, dirty."

Puffing out his cheeks, Junsu got up out of his chair. "I need coffee," he said. 

"Brew a new pot, Susu," Yoochun said, returning his attention to the paper. "I drained the pot that was sitting there last night."

"You drank cold coffee?" he scoffed.

"It wasn't that bad," he answered. "Do you notice how Joongie mentioned snakes? He called them ropes; and then he requested for them to bite him."

"It's weird," Junsu admitted, pouring the ground up coffee beans into the filter. "It seems like... He wants to commit suicide."

Yoochun's posture stiffened, remembering his conversation with Changmin. "Maybe..." he said softly. "It could be that this has a hidden message."

"How?" asked Junsu, turning the coffee machine on and watched the water mix with the coffee beans to produce coffee. 

"Consider the fact that this is a suicide note written to all of Jaejoong's beloved--us." Junsu nodded. "The snakes of ropes... What if he really just means ropes, not snakes. Therefore, when he says for the snakes to bite him, he's talking about his suicide."

Junsu poured two cups of coffee with furrowed eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"He writes, 'Bite me until I'm more colorful than bright white city lights!' Junsu, when a person commits suicide with rope, what is it called?"

"Hanging, I guess?" he answered uncertainly, setting the coffee cup in front of Yoochun. 

"And when one is being suffocated, what colors do you turn, do you think?"

"In a dramatization of hanging, maybe red, purple, blue, and then... White..." Junsu's eyes widened. "Wait... So you think--"

"I don't know. It's a start." Yoochun's voice sounded worried. 

"Wait, wait," Junsu said, pointing to the bottom half of the note. "What about the parts where he talks to Changmin? Bulgogi? Ramyun? Okinawa? For crying out loud, that's in Japan!!! What is he thinking there?"

"Junsu, he was drunk. Maybe it was because he was intoxicated."

"No, this is Jaejoong hyung. Everything he writes has meaning."

The two paused. Suddenly, Yoochun snapped, eyes bright with a hypothesis. "I think the paragraphs where he's talking to us is things he's telling us for the future or he wishes he could tell us," he explained. "Laundry day, for us, is today, and it's your turn. You always forget though!"

Junsu only nodded, letting the information slowly sink in. "So, instead of like a normal person writing a formal letter, he's... Telling us things he would say if he were here right now?"

"Exactly, and I think the biggest hint for that is at the bottom. I also think it goes against what Yunho hyung had promised. Jaejoong hyung doesn't think we'll be together as five again."

The tenor narrowed his eyes and glared at the last line. 

"Soft voice, power voice, leader voice, dolphin voice, rich voice, together, I'll miss you!!"

"He's referring to Dong Bang Shin Ki," Junsu said inaudibly, "when we were together as five."

"Exactly!" Yoochun agreed, downing half of his coffee.

"Okay," Junsu said, leaning on the table. "If we know how Jaejoong hyung is going to commit suicide--if that is his plan--where is he?"

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say... A river," Yoochun answered, pointing at the paragraph talking about the river. 

As Junsu nodded in agreement, a rapid knocking at the front door alerted the two singers. Maybe it was Jaejoong coming home! The singers rushed over to the door and yanked it open instantly, disappointed to find that it was only the grouchy guard from earlier. He wore a worried expression on his face. 

"What is it?" asked Yoochun, sensing the worry and urgency. 

"The-The police have found Kim Jaejoong-ssi," he answered gravely. 

The coffee mug in Junsu's hand crashed to the ground as his mouth hung open. Yoochun nudged the tenor rather harshly in his haste, ordering, "Grab your coat, Junsu-ah. Call the managers now." To the guard, he asked, "Where is our Jaejoongie?"

"The Han River."

Junsu's hand shook as he put his phone up to his ear, eyeing Yoochun. Was it too late?