“ I can text him to see when is a good time to meet with him and maybe the others, but we talk about this now,” she challenged, an uncharacteristic, yet compelling assertiveness in her voice as she rattled off a text to the group chat.

            “What’s the big deal? I think we’ve gotten it figured out by now. What else is there to talk about?” Alex huffed, already eagerly shoving the tense conversation from earlier into the deepest recesses of her mind, into the dark shadows of her heart that she never wanted to touch again. Though she was formidable in presence and even more so in appearance, Alex was a pacifist and always resented confrontation when it was not necessary. However, Fay had since seen this coming. The night she was added to the group chat, she knew the story of them would not end peacefully—at least not initially. She knew both her dear friends’ weaknesses and their egos, so she had since decided to orchestrate from the shadows, take the initiative and matters into her own hands in case she was needed like she was now. Alex was much too stubborn to acknowledge there was more to this story, more conflict and more of an ending that she could have imagined. Alex had gone from author to reader and was now unable to predict—see—what was next for her and Fay knew that the former would not allow her ego to be shattered in admitting it, in walking through the uncertain.

            “She was lying, you know,” she repeated firmly, unwavering her conviction and dedication to seeing this story to the end.

            “But I don’t know what you mean,” Alex sighed, her brain, her heart, her soul much too drained to continue feeding it much more thought. She knew, by this point, that if she contributed any more energy to it, she wouldn’t have enough to survive the reality that would come tomorrow, a reality they had all managed to avoid for what seemed like a lifetime of bliss and passion.

            “You don’t know, or you don’t want to know?” she countered candidly. “Mother, you’re not dumb, and you’re not great at playing it, either,” she pointed out plainly. “Look, I won’t act like I know them all that well either and I am more than grateful we’ve been able to enjoy our time together, but frankly, that doesn’t sound like Seungmin. That doesn’t sound like what anybody would do,” she insinuated. “If her story is true, do you really think it’s possible for him to go from crying so hard for you to just relenting? If his heart was in that state to begin with, what makes you think that he would give up so easily? It just doesn’t make any sense, think about it,” she expounded. Alex stared straight at the road, heading towards Fay’s house until further word from the guys. It was a straight path, at this point, to her home, but Alex knew, deep in that same vault that if she continued to go straight, instead of forward, she would get nowhere. She would only continue to travel the circles that her thoughts trapped her in or she would lead herself into oblivion, neither of which she wanted to face though the reality was much more startling to face.

            "A lot happens when you're drunk. For instance, you become much more introverted. Anything can happen, really,” Alex opposed obstinately.

            “That’s just the thing. You should know this better than anyone that alcohol doesn’t change who you are; it only brings out the person you were meant to be, the person you would never show to anyone else otherwise. You’re such an open book that it doesn’t affect you much, but for the rest of us, especially someone like me or Seungmin, it brings out the person that we hide away either out of fear of being judged or of rejection.”

            “Well, by that logic, Seungmin is supposed to like Tanya. He gave in, right? Maybe the alcohol was enough to bring out that person in him. He finally figured out, had the courage, to express himself, simple,” Alex retorted. “That was the point, the plan, this whole time, remember?” she muttered mindlessly, her vision of the goal growing and blurring as she recounted the events of the night, of the entire trip. How the goal had evolved. How the impossible became possible. How she had since lost sight of herself of anything and everything that was not him, that was not the web she had stumbled into, dragging others with her. It started innocently enough, just fans connecting with the people of their dreams, reaffirming and enjoying each other’s humanness and how quickly it had devolved into seeing some of the worst emotions, worst connections that could stem from such.

            “That was your plan. Honestly, while I also want Talia to be happy, I’ve been skeptical this whole time. I’ve been watching you ruin yourself over it in the noble name of martyrdom and I’m tired of it, now. All this time, you’ve been taking her word for everything, just to make yourself feel better, just to make you forget. This type of denial, self-destruction is worse than any alcohol, any drug and I’m not going to let you keep ruining yourself for her or anyone’s sake,” she rejected emphatically. “Honestly, I’m disappointed in you, mother,” she sighed, shaking her head before checking her phone. Alex was many things to Fay, motherly figure, best friend, clown, fellow fan, beloved part of the family, but she was no coward in no other time but now. Besides the one time she defended her love for Joochan when Alex was first entering the fandom, Fay had never once raised her voice at her, never finding a reason to, never having to be the voice of reason to save her from herself. She had never been disappointed in her, but this Alex, the one wanted to blur into the sights of the suburbs she drove through was not the same Alex who had forcefully introduced her to her world of friendship that day at K-pop club. This was not the same Alex that, without hesitation, would barge through her doors if she had not heard from her in a few days to ensure she was mentally well. This was not the same Alex that understood her and cared for her, exemplifying living life to the fullest if only to be a model that it was possible. This Alex was a caricature of everything Fay had come to enjoy about her friend. This Alex had weakened, had faltered, folding much too quickly. This Alex was ignoring her own well-being, knowingly, though she still hoped that no one had noticed. This Alex was a shell of herself, decaying and retreating away in fear of hurting someone other than herself.

            Fay was many things to Alex, daughter, best friend, sunshine, beloved part of her chosen family, but she had usually been no savior. She had never been so confident, so certain in anything than she was now and this excited Alex in the most startling way. She knew that for Fay to raise her voice like so, that she had seriously overlooked—ignored—something. She knew and greatly appreciated that to Fay, she could largely do no wrong, nothing for her to be disappointed at. However, Fay’s disappointment seared through her soul much more than any disappointment or disapproval she could—had—receive from her family before. She was no stranger to stereotypes, dismissal, negligence, emotional abuse, but none of this could compare to the anguish that attacked her as Fay’s disappointment. She had been more than willing to bury herself for the sake of Talia, but she had never meant for such a death to catch Fay’s attention so severely. Fay was much too observant, much to sensitive to her mother’s feelings, demeanor, a fact that now plagued Alex and she tried to figure the best course of action, to balance everyone’s interests and hearts. She would continue to search frantically for a solution, but Fay knew better than to be so ideal despite her typically optimistic nature. Someone would have to hurt and she was curious to find which one Alex would choose. Fay knew this was not her choice to make, but she was a captive audience, trapped by suspense and between too immovable figures. She only hoped that Alex would be able to live comfortably with the choice she would make.

            “He says that they’d be happy to meet us at a coffee shop. Do you have any suggestions?”

            “Well, I suppose we can’t just suggest a Starbucks, but truly, I don’t know many coffee shops on this side of town that we can bring him to. Well, it is still a nice day out and I’m sure they haven’t been there just yet, but what if we suggested CityWalk? It’s free, but close enough to the real thing. They could probably afford the actual, park, but it would be nice just to walk around for us, too,” she pondered, gesturing for the other to send said suggestion.

            “So, it’s like that, then?” Fay grumbled.

            “What do you want me to do? We’re playing a dangerous game with a delicate balance. We’re already in too deep. We can’t afford to mess anything up,” Alex heaved.

            “I want you to make the move that only you can. Only you can wake yourself up. Why do you like living in this nightmare, anyway? What good does it do for you? You said you were waiting for him to make his move, but he already did when he said what he said to you and you just choose to ignore it? How long are you going to carry on like this?”

            “You don’t even know what happened last night!” Alex snapped. “He made the wrong move and you still blame me for not knowing what to do? You already know what a wreck I was when he said he would come back for me. I wanted to think that he meant all of us Goldenness; I didn’t want to think that I was the special one, the lucky one. I didn’t want to get carried away and then he goes and does what he did last night and—”

            “He admitted it, didn’t he?” she induced. “By the way, they think that CityWalk is a great idea. We should head there.” Alex stayed silent. How had Fay been this cunning, this clever? Alex wondered if she had betrayed too much in the argument with Talia, in her face when he left, in her words as she skirted and waltzed around the issue of her own feelings about him. She wondered when she had exposed herself or if Fay already knew too much about her. While she would never hide her true self from Fay or any of her friends, Fay’s words about her being an open book rang through ever fiber of her being. She had no doubt that Fay could read her so easily, but if her words were true, then how could Seungmin not do so just as easily? She had raised the boundaries so well, so brilliantly that Seungmin would have been a fool not to see them. Instead, he scaled them. Maybe, he had seen through them too well. This frightened Alex for she knew, if he could scale them so easily, if he could see through to the real Alex, he was not only one the same level of emotional connection as Fay, but he had a ferocious persistence that Alex was not prepared for. How could he not understand—not care—that the walls were for him. Yet, maybe he, like Fay, knew that the walls were more so to protect Alex from stepping too far out of her own boundaries than to keep him out.

            “He wasn’t lying that night, if that’s what you mean,” she grumbled in defeat. “But even so, that doesn’t mean that it’s incompatible with Talia’s story. Two things can be true at once, even if you don’t want one of them to be so.”

            “It’s not that I don’t want Talia to be happy, but I don’t want her to be happy if she has to cheat herself and you to do it. Look, I support whomever Seungmin chooses. He was my bias first, but I understand that he has his own heart and I have no right to try to control it, but the same goes for you. You can’t keep forcing him into corners just because you don’t know what to do with his heart nor are you just going to throw away his and yours to make yourself be the bigger person. If he truly likes Talia, then so be it. I’m happy for her and for him, but you’re giving up much too early, not asking a single question. It’s not like you.”

            “So, again, what do you want me to do? We don’t know which side of him was the real side or if they both aren’t correct and you want me to make a move so carelessly? You know the stakes. It’s not just us, but it’s them, too and it’s our duty as Goldenness to keep that in mind and tread lightly,” she reminded him.

            “I won’t pretend to act like I know the right answer, what to do, but I do know you have to do something. It’s only fair. Do you really think that Talia would like knowing that she gained his heart just because you threw the match?”

            “Match? This isn’t a fight. You know I would never fight for a boy,” Alex barked.

            “But you also never back down from what’s right. It’s only fair to you, Seungmin, and Talia if you saw this to the end. Look, one of you is going to get hurt, hell, maybe all of you will, but it’s better to hurt and burn than to fade away.” Alex didn’t want to admit it, but she was all too familiar with this anthem, this mantra since it was the one she lived by. She owed it to herself to continue living as such. She reflected on her actions, wondering if she would ever truly be happy if she stepped away from the light, if she threw herself away, never to be recovered again. Would she like the picture of Seungmin and Talia if she chose not to be in frame so easily? Would Talia accept Seungmin’s heart knowing it was not completely hers to have? Like Fay, Alex was humble enough to accept whichever way the wind blew and she would not relinquish her skepticism, but she also decided she would not relinquish her resolve. She was not particularly predictable, not particularly stable, but she was fair, and it was about time she executed that fairness not from her point of view, from her warped sense of pride, but from that of others.

            “Before we go in, though, I think you should give him his necklace back. It’s more fitting that way,” Fay mentioned, dropping the petite golden chain into Alex’s hand as she exited t