Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

“I am thinking of having a Halloween party,” Jaejoong said in passing, checking his text messages. His face was lit up by his phone’s screen. The light was flattering, his eyes looked like dark pools of honey.

 

It was a Friday night, and instead of being out in the town hanging out with their friends and being thrill-seeking teenagers, the two were huddled up in the barn, smoking a blunt that Jaejoong had brought over. Jaejoong was doing most of the smoking, as usual.

 

Yunho felt like they were in the barn a lot lately. 

 

They were still not hanging out as much as Jaejoong made it obvious he wanted. The only time they would see each other, outside of work and school, would be when Jaejoong would have dinner over at his or when they’d hang out in the barn getting high.

 

“Cool.”

 

He set his phone down and looked at Yunho. “It’s going to be on Halloween.”

 

Yunho laughed and passed him the joint. “I presumed.”

 

“It’s the after party,” Jaejoong said, shaking his head and taking the blunt out of his mouth, he swallowed the smoke.  “You should come.” Smoke escaped through his nose. “I throw the best parties.”

 

“Not surprising.”

 

Yunho wondered if he was high. 

 

“What?” Jaejoong said, laughing. “I’m a great host.”

 

“Okay, So, it’s more like the after party?”

 

“No.” He shook his head, passing Yunho the joint. “It’s a Halloween party.” He smiled, and his teeth glowed in the dark. “You’re coming?”

 

Yunho shrugged. “Depends.”

 

“On what?” He arched an eyebrow.

 

“Time.”

 

“It’s Halloween.”

 

“I don’t know if my grandparents will be okay with it” 

 

Yunho passed him back the smoke.

 

“Come up with a better convenient excuse.”

 

“It’s not.”

 

Jaejoong rolled his eyes. “Okay, then. Just tell them you’re with me, which is not a lie.”

 

He shrugged. He did not feel comfortable being all around Jaejoong's snake friends. 

 

In his attempt to buy time or distract Jaejoong, he said, “You have a lot of get-togethers?”

 

“So?” Sighing, Jaejoong said, “like you, I like to hang out with my friends.”

 

Yunho ignored the implication. “Do you usually host?”

 

He shrugged, and gave him that smile, completely languid and innocent, and Yunho just knew Jaejoong was definitely on the high road. And maybe so was he. His heart skipped a beat and thudded so loudly, it hurt. 

 

Jaejoong made to hand him the blunt. Yunho shook his head. He shrugged and popped it back between his lips. 

 

Blunt in mouth, Jaejoong checked his phone and then looked up, made eye contact with Yunho and shrugged again. 

 

Slowly exhaling the smoke, his face took on a contemplative look. “I have the biggest home and my parents are hardly ever there. I have the perfect circumstances to host these get-togethers.”

 

Yunho changed his mind about smoking. He needed the weed courage. He reached over and tried to take the weed. Their fingers rubbed together.

 

Jaejoong let him have it, abruptly pulling his hand back. He rewarded Yunho with a smile when he caught him openly staring at him. “What?”

 

Yunho shook his head. As he put the blunt between his lips, he said, “You don’t feel used?”

 

“It’s easier at mine, and I don’t mind.”

 

“You’re sure they’re not taking advantage of you.”

 

“What?” He laughed. “No. I want to. I mean, at this point I am the one taking advantage of them.” 

 

Yunho literally bit his tongue from the swift retort he had lined up. 

 

From his expressions, Yunho knew Jaejoong never even thought about his friends not being true friends and taking advantage of him.

 

Yeah, Jaejoong was still the same naive little boy in so many ways. When he formed friendships, he became too trusting and dependent. They were obviously using him.

 

Yunho shrugged. Jaejoong was a big boy, he decided; he could take care of himself.

 

“What’s up with that look?” Jaejoong asked, leaning over and taking the blunt from him with no resistance.

 

“Nothing.” Yunho kept on looking at Jaejoong. “Hey, what do you mean that you’re probably using them?”

 

Jaejoong shrugged, head surrounded by smoke. “I’m….Have you ever felt so lonely even though you’re surrounded by what feels like a million people?”

 

Yunho scowled at Jaejoong who had raised his legs and was burying his face on his knees. 

 

His chest constricted and his heart hurt. He felt an intense primal need to defend and protect Jaejoong.

 

“I—” Yunho stuttered, but no comprehensible word came out. Exhaling loudly, Yunho finally said, “I am sorry.”

 

“What for?” Jaejoong laughed and rolled his eyes. 

 

Yunho shook his head and returned his smile.

 

Smiling, with the blunt on the corner of his mouth he said, “Come on, Yunho. What do you want to say?”

 

“Exactly what I said. I’m sorry.” 

 

Jaejoong laughed again. “It doesn’t matter. But, my friends…it’s not all that bad. I want them there and they all buy the booze.”  Jaejoong definitely knew what Yunho was implying, because he added defensively, “I am not being used.”

 

Yunho shrugged. “Okay.”

 

“I’m human, too. I need social interaction. I live, practically, alone.”

 

“Okay. I said nothing. I understand. I am sorry.”

 

“It’s whatever.” Jaejoong gave his head a soft shake, his expression redrawn and started typing away on his phone. 

 

Yunho hated that he had said anything.

 

As he handed him the weed, Jaejoong said, “So, you’re not even planning on going to the Hallow’s Eve dance?” 

 

He guessed Jaejoong was tired of their gloomy topic of conversation.

 

Yunho shrugged. He took a puff of smoke. This was intoxicating. He knew he would have to start slowing down. He was reaching his limit. “I don’t know yet. You?”

 

“I’ll be there.” After a second of pause, Jaejoong said, “No pressure, but if you have no plans, drop by on Halloween.”

 

“I might go trick-or-treating.”

 

He laughed so hard, he started to cough.

 

“What’s funny about that?”

 

 “You’re a bit too old.”

 

“Not for candy.”

 

“We’ll have candy, too. And booze. A lot of it. It’ll be a lot of fun.” Jaejoong wiggled his eyebrows. “I’ll make you my famous drink.”

 

“How tempting!” Yunho laughed. “But, I am not a big drinker.”

 

Jaejoong followed along and laughed with him. He rolled his eyes at Yunho’s reaction and his tone of voice. “No pressure, just think about it.”

 

“I feel pressured, but, sure.”

 

Jaejoong sighed, he sounded tired. Hugging his left leg, he said, “I hate when you make me feel as if I am begging you to be my friend.”

 

He left Yunho’s head spinning. “Huh? I don’t. That came out of nowhere”

 

He passed him the blunt. “No, not really. We’re friends, right?” His gaze was piercing.

 

Yunho nodded. They were slowly becoming that again.

 

Maybe he needed to be faded for the trajectory he saw this conversation taking.

 

 “Then why is it so hard for you to say you’ll come?”

 

He frowned over at him, pausing as he lifted the blunt to his lips. “I…What? It’s a Halloween party.”

 

Jaejoong fully turned towards him and said, “Okay. It’s a Halloween party. It’s not that important, and you’ll be there.”

 

“I...Jaejoong.”

 

“No?”

 

Yunho sighed. 

 

“Tell me why you left.”

 

“What?” Yunho’s eyebrows furrowed even more. Jaejoong was just firing without giving him a chance to breathe.

 

“Five years ago.”

 

“I….Well, I didn’t leave.” He scratched the back of his head, resting his arm on his bended knee. “My mom did.”

 

“Okay,” Jaejoong sighed. “Listen, I know we didn’t end well. My fault. But, I thought we had a friendship that was stronger than that. I thought you would have picked up the phone when I called. You know I called, right?”

 

“I was embarrassed and hurt.” He shrugged defensively. “I am sorry?”

 

“Fine. You’re right. That was my fault.”

 

“What?” He said, flustered. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

Jaejoong rolled his shoulders. “It’s whatever. What about now?”

 

“What about now?”

 

Jaejoong was relentless.

 

“Are we friends?”

 

“Oh gosh, Jaejoong, I just said we are.”

 

“But not like we used to.” He looked despondent.

 

Yunho felt frustrated. “It has been six years! We’ve grown apart. We’re different people now. I mean, who knows? We might have still grown apart even if I had stayed here.”

 

Jaejoong looked frozen. “Again, Yunho, what are we doing here if you’re not even willing to—”

 

“I said I am. At my own pace. I am trying here. Really hard. Can’t you see that?”

 

Jaejoong shook his head. “No. I don’t believe that, Yunho.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry. What can I do to make you feel better?”

 

In an even tone and a soft voice, Jaejoong said, “I keep feeling as if I am the only one that cares and wants to be your friend. People know we’re friends again. It doesn’t matter if we’re seen out in public together.”

 

Staring deeply in Yunho’s eyes, making him feel uncomfortable and , Jaejoong said without faltering, “I know this is stupid, but I want what we had.”

 

“Jaejoong,” Yunho said in a drawl. He was making him feel guilty because they were not the same kids they were when they were twelve. And, it was not even his fault they fell out. 

 

“We can try,” Jaejoong said with earnest.

 

Yunho sighed laboriously again. “Jaejoong—”

 

“We’ve been doing this “let’s get to know each other” thing, but I still don’t feel like we know each other.” He paused, looking for words. “It’s like we always skirt the real questions, avoiding the real issues. I want us to be us again.”

 

“Bro., that’s a lot to ask.” Yunho felt guilty. “But, okay. What do you want to know, Jaejoong?”

 

“Really?” He blinked in genuine surprise.

 

Yunho nodded. “Go ahead.”

 

“Tell me something about you I don’t know, then?”

 

“I...No, ask me what you want to know?”

 

“And you’ll answer honestly?”

 

“I’ll try my best. Cool.”

 

Jaejoong rewarded him with a soft grin. “Cool. Okay, here I go.”

 

Yunho held his breath as he waited for Jaejoong to start shooting question bullets at him.

 

“Why are you back here?”

 

He cleared his throat. “First you asked why I was gone and now why I am back.” He gave him a toothy grin. “You're not happy I’m back?”

 

Jaejoong shrugged, face serious. “I’m glad you’re back; I get to correct my errors. I’m sorry.” He gave him a contrite look.

 

“You don’t have to apologize anymore.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes. Look, regardless of how I’ve been acting, that has nothing to do with…You don’t need to apologize anymore. 

 

Jaejoong smiled. “Now answer the question.”

 

Yunho laughed. “Okay.” 

 

Jaejoong looked away and passed Yunho the joint. 

 

He put the blunt to his lips, happy he had something to do to buy him time. “Mom wanted me to come back home,” he said slowly.

 

“Where is she?”

 

Inhaling, he coughed and passed Jaejoong the blunt. “She’s coming soon. Had to tie up some loose ends.”

 

Jaejoong gave him a look, his fingers touching his. “If you won’t tell me about that, then tell me a secret of yours.”

 

Yunho rolled his eyes at him. “Bro.!”

 

“Come on. I’ll tell you one about me.”

 

“I don’t have one.”

 

“Have you had a boyfriend? Ooh wait. Do you have a boyfriend?” 

 

Yunho did not like the look on Jaejoong's face or the tone of his question. “I...I’ve already told you a big secret—my uality. You tell me a secret of yours before I tell you another.”

 

Jaejoong glared at him. “I would have never been anything but accepting.”

 

“Still a secret.”

 

“Only fair.” He shrugged.

 

“Okay,” Jaejoong said, holding Yunho’s gaze. He began tentatively. “I…” He paused and looked away, staring in the distance as he started rubbing a bale of hay between his forefinger and thumb in this rhythmic and enchanting motion. “I have been battling, no,” he said, shaking his head. “Not battling, I have been...trying to figure myself out, I supposed.” He inhaled, his chest expanding and deflating before he resumed where he left off. 

 

Yunho was completely quiet, enraptured by what was to come. “I don’t know, you know? I just think that…I think that I might be, not gay, but—” He stopped trying to articulate his emotions and state of mind and gave Yunho a bare, desperate look.

 

Yunho felt choked. He did not know what to say or even what to think. He felt floored by his declaration. His brain felt scrambled. “I….Jaejoong, I don’t know what to—”

 

Yunho didn’t expect the conversation to go in this direction. This was not how he thought their night would go.

 

This was huge.

 

“When did you know?” Jaejoong asked.

 

Yunho wanted to be as helpful as he could. He wanted to be there for Jaejoong and give him as much support as he could. “I don’t know. I guess I always knew. It...I realized when I got my first crush, I guess?”

 

“Was that me?”

 

Yunho blinked at Jaejoong, astonished. 

 

Jaejoong gave him a small cheeky smile and reached for the blunt between Yunho’s fingers. “Joking,” he said in a tiny voice, looking away as he brought the blunt to his lips. 

 

Whatever he hoped to accomplish, he did. Yunho felt the mood elevating. The tension was going away.

 

“I mean, we did...you know, we did do all that kissing back then. But, like—”

 

“I started it?”

 

“What? No. I mean we both did.” Yunho knew there was enough blame to go around.

 

Jaejoong started it, yes, but Yunho had just gone along with it. They were eleven and infinitely curious. They knew two boys kissing would be considered weird, and Yunho vividly remembered telling Jaejoong he was not gay when he had said they should kiss just so they could tell people they had kissed before. It was no big deal Jaejoong had said, reassuring him he also was not gay and he had a crush on the sixth grade class prettiest girl.

 

Yunho had known he had lied and because of that he had thought Jaejoong had lied, too. 

 

And so, up in the tree house he had built with his grandfather and grandmother the summer prior, Jaejoong had told him to close his eyes and had pressed his lips against his. It had been a chaste kiss. The event lasted less than a fraction of a second; they squealed, shared that they thought it was gross and said they would never tell another soul till the day they died. It was gross. Yunho had really thought it disgusting, especially given that Jaejoong had lips that felt wet at the time—probably from the good he gave it before he dived in. Yunho had thought the uncomfortable buzzing feeling was gone. He was not gay. He kissed a boy and he hated it. Not gay.

 

Three days later, Jaejoong suggested they try again. A friend had when he had shared a kiss before and it was not good. The second time was also a quick, warm mess. But it just stuck. They would share those soft, quick kisses that could be placed on cheeks because they carried the same intentions. It became a form of comfort between them. It was completely innocuous, now that Yunho was thinking about it from the perspective of a teenager. But they had thought they were doing something so wrong and secretive back then. It felt exciting because they knew it was “wrong” and they should not be doing it.

 

From that experience, he had always thought Jaejoong was not straight. Yeah, he said he was not gay, but Yunho has thought he was in denial. But it was not Yunho’s place, so he never said anything.

 

 Jaejoong sighed and shrugged. “No, you went along.” Handing Yunho the weed, he folded his arms behind his head and flopped back on the hay. “Just like how you’re smoking right now.”

 

Yunho rolled his eyes. “You’re not forcing me.”

 

“Really?”

 

Swallowing, Yunho nodded. “Yeah. You’re good. And, like, take your time. I mean, everyone comes to terms with their uality at their own time.”

 

Jaejoong popped his eyes open from the brief closure, and sat up. He gave Yunho a peculiar look. “Would you mind kissing me?”

 

His heart stopped. “What?” He jumped up, his movement abrupt and jerky. He burned himself. “Ow.”

 

Jaejoong let out a short, soft laugh, and reached out and took the blunt and rubbed it out and stuffed it in his pockets. “Relax, dude. I’m joking.” He smiled encouragingly at Yunho.

 

Yunho stared wordlessly at his oldest friend, mouth agape. His heart that had stopped only moments earlier, was now pulsing with a vigor that left him feeling as if he was spinning uncontrollably. 

 

Jaejoong was saying something, smiling in that easy-going way of his, but he could hear nothing. Blood had rushed to his ears, Yunho snapped more forcefully than he intended to, “That was not funny.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry.” He inhaled, “It’s just that…” he made eye contact with Yunho again, and finishing saying, “I sometimes think that I would just know if I could—”

 

“Kiss a guy?”

 

He nodded, his cheeks filled with blood, and he started chewing on his bottom lip. 

 

Yunho forced Jaejoong to hold his gaze. 

 

He felt incredulous.

 

Finally, Yunho scoffed and looked away from Jaejoong’s handsome face. He could feel his palms softening now. “Jaejoong, dude, there’s many things wrong with your request. But, I’ve known since we were like six.”

 

“Right,” Jaejoong muttered, shamefaced.

 

“Do you remember what we used to do?”

 

Shrugging, he softly said, before he bit his plump bottom lip, “Yeah.”

 

“Those kisses didn’t make anything clear for you.”

 

Jaejoong glanced in his direction before he started laughing. “Yunho, you remember those kisses right? I can’t even call them kisses.”

 

Yunho felt the corner of his lip lifting. “I mean, I don’t really think about them, but they were kisses.”

 

“Right? Our kisses are the kisses I used to give my mother when I was under ten.”

 

“Still, you were kissing me, a guy, not her.”

 

He nodded solemnly, crossing his arms over his chest and began to pace. “I was not confused then and I...I don’t even know why we started kissing.”

 

“Because you wanted the kissing experience so you could gloat to the other guys.”

 

He had that half smirk and half grin on his face again. He looked distracted, as if his mind was far from here, in the barn, pacing in front of Yunho as he told him about one of his deepest secrets.

 

He ran his hands down the plane of his face. “I miss those days”

 

Yunho arched an eyebrow. 

 

Jaejoong laughed. “I do. Those were innocent days. Much better than now.”

 

Yunho gently encouraged him. “Why?” 

 

“Right now, I just feel like I’m going crazy with all of these strange, unclear feelings. And…” he stopped talking. He did sound miserable, and his misery hurt Yunho. He wanted to help his friend. But he could not kiss him. Not ever.

 

They were different now. Older, more mature, and this time it would wreck both of them.

 

Yunho stuttered, “Jaejoong, I know why you asked, but....”

 

“I didn’t,” Jaejoong hastily said in his rectification, uncrossing his arms. He looked mortified.

 

Yunho felt his pulse picking up again. Okay, so things might never go back to how it was before Jaejoong ‘joked’ about them kissing again. Not after that look of pure terror on his face. A look he didn’t seem to be able to shake off.

 

“Hey, I know you’re confused right now. But...” 

 

“I’m not!” He blinked, and chuckled. “Yes, I am. But, I mean...it just feels so sudden. I thought, you know? I was—”

 

“Straight like everyone else.”

 

“I am?”

 

Both boys felt the uncertain question mark in Jaejoong’s voice. He looked like a caged animal. Yunho desperately wanted to touch Jaejoong’s arm to calm him down. 

 

 “Okay. I always knew. But, there was a time I wanted to be like everyone else, too,” Yunho said soothingly.

 

He looked like a bird on the verge of fleeing. Jaejoong attempted to laugh. He messed up his hair, tugging them down to cover more of his face. “That’s good. But, I think I am joking. I’m probably just high.”

 

Yunho wondered if Jaejoong even realized he made no sense.

 

Yunho felt a pang of guilt and sympathy. However, he knew that he could not kiss Jaejoong. Ever. That would be too dangerous and it would erase all the work they’ve done.

 

Jaejoong was no longer the eleven-year-old boy that he would sneak kisses with; those kisses had meant nothing; the kisses hadn’t sparked any fire. Jaejoong was not grown and handsome then. He had been a toothy, cheeky preteen with a loud personality. He had not been someone that ticked off all the boxes in all of Yunho’s categories for attractiveness. The thought felt as if he was betraying himself and Jaejoong.

 

Kissing him would be foolish and dangerous. Jaejoong could never be more than a friend and a kiss would make that more difficult.

 

Jaejoong released his curled up fists and popped his knuckles. He looked around the barn, as if he was looking for a magical portal that could take him back to before he opened up to Yunho.

 

“Have you been trying to tell me all of this for a while now,” Yunho said, his voice becoming softer and smoother.

 

Jaejoong dug his hands in his back pockets and lifted his shoulder. Smirking, he said, “Maybe. I just...you’re the only one I trust.”

 

Yunho felt the force of his confession. He felt like an overblown balloon about to pop. He couldn't help but smile. “Gee, dude—”

 

“Stop,” Jaejoong said, coughing and dropping his face to hide his emotions. “It’s not that serious. I think I am just confused.”

 

“Listen, I know that this is hard—”

 

“Not about that! About what I am even saying right now.”

 

“Jaejoong,” Yunho said firmly, “you don’t have to put up a front with me. I would never betray you.”

 

He could see Jaejoong sagging in relief.

 

His voice softened again when he said, “You’ll know.” 

 

“When?”

 

Yunho was astounded. “I…” He rolled his shoulders up and down in defeat. “Honestly, I don’t know. It is different for everyone.”

 

“Yeah, I guess,” Jaejoong murmured.

 

“What about Aki?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Your complicated situation?”

 

He rapidly fired his denials. “I told you. We’re friends. All we’ve done is talk. Promised. That’s what I meant when I said that.”

 

“What are you going to do about her?”

 

He sighed. “Honestly, I’m lost. She’s...so nice and she’s not that kind of girl, but…” He sighed again. “I don’t know.” He dug his fingers in hair and tugged at the roots. “We’re still talking, I guess, but it all makes me feel like I’m using her. And I feel like—”

 

“A cad.” 

 

They made eye contact. Jaejoong’s eyebrows went up before the two teens started laughing like there was no tomorrow.

 

“Word of the week?”

 

“I have an expansive vocabulary, Mr. Kim.”

 

“Right,” he muttered, rolling his eyes.

 

“Still, you are a cad. I know how you feel, but that’s called stringing along.” His serious tone wiped the smile off Jaejoong’s face.

 

Jaejoong looked guilty. “No. She knows”

 

“Knows?”

 

“That we’re not a thing and that I'm not looking for anything right now.”

 

“You’ve told her?”

 

He nodded. “Yeah.”

 

Yunho didn’t understand completely why he was getting upset, but he didn’t like what he was hearing.

 

“Right. Before or after you two kissed and went on many dates?”

 

“What—” Jaejoong looked as if he was thinking. “Okay. We kissed at the beginning, and we—” he stopped, but Yunho knew what he omitted.

 

“That’s called dating.”

 

“No. We didn’t do anything but kiss and, you know, heavy-petting. She knows I am…”

 

“Bi-curious?”

 

“No! I mean, I do not know if I am.” He stopped, scratched his head and sighed as if he was trying to expel a spirit from within him.

 

“If she didn’t do it for you, I think you know why.”

 

“Maybe it’s her.”

 

“And all the other girls were the issue, too?”

 

Jaejoong shrugged. “Maybe.”

 

 Try to date a guy.”

 

Yunho’s eyebrows shot up. “Jaejoong, then you’re straight.”

 

“I don’t know what I am, Yunho!”

 

“Calm down. I’m not trying to discredit your experiences. I’m just trying to help.”

 

“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just embarrassed.”

 

“Well, don’t be. You have nothing to be embarrassed over.”

 

He shook his head, his eyes gleaming. Yunho wondered if he was about to cry or something. He was not sure he ever wanted to see that.

 

“That….” He choked up. Placing his hand on his hip and rubbing his bottom lip as he nipped on it. Jaejoong cleared his throat and said, “Everything is embarrassing. Yunho, you’re the only person I can talk to about these things. These feelings.”

 

“Because I am gay.”

 

Staring deeply in his eyes, Jaejoong said in complete honesty and earnest, “Because you’re my best friend.”

 

Yunho turned to mush. Each beat of his heart was felt throughout his whole body. 

 

“Jaejoong, I want to help you, but I don't know how.”

 

He gave him that half smirk-grin again. “You've done plenty. You’ve listened to me. The kissing bit really was a joke. I realized how regressive and stupid I sounded the moment it came out of my mouth. I wouldn’t do that to you, to us, again. ” He shrugged and softly said, “I’m just so confused.”

 

“You won’t figure yourself out tonight. Just take it slow.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I’m going to try to help you, okay?”

 

“Huh? How?” Jaejoong said, an eyebrow arched.

 

Yunho pat the spot next to him on the block of hay. He looked at it, but he sat down.

 

“Okay, here’s how I can help.”

 

“I’m all ears.” Jaejoong was grinning.

 

Yunho smiled at him and lifted his eyebrows as he said, “Have you ever been attracted to a guy?”

 

“In what capacity?”

 

Yunho shrugged. “I don’t know; like, find them attractive. But not in that bro. way.”

 

“What?” Jaejoong laughed.

 

“I mean, I think you’re good looking.” 

 

Jaejoong’s eyes lit up and a smile crashed into his lips. “Really?” he sounded very pleased.

 

Yunho quickly said. “But it’s in that bro. way.”

 

“Ooh, okay,” Jaejoong said, swallowing. He broke their gaze, looking slightly embarrassed. Yunho decided to not dwell on the emotion.

 

“I know a lot of your friends are conventionally attractive.”

 

“Like you?” Jaejoong said. 

 

Yunho’s belly filled with fire. It left him breathless for a few seconds. 

 

Clearing his throat, he tried to say in a light, teasing tone, “Yeah, like me. So have you ever thought they were cute, in a more….romantic, ual way?”

 

“Ew. No. They’re my friends. Like, do you look at me like that?”

 

That took him by surprise. “What? No!”

 

“Right. So it’s...” he paused and swallowed. Jaejoong made a perplexing expression and then shrugged. “It’s like that with my friends.”

 

“Okay. Any classmates? Among our peers, there are some hot, attractive guys and girls.”

 

Jaejoong frowned. “What about you? Do you have a guy at school—”

 

“This is not about me. I know I am gay, Jaejoong. You’re the one that doesn't know if he is straight.”

 

“Okay. I mean, sure. But….” He paused and started inspecting his nails. 

 

“But?” 

 

Jaejoong scowled and shook his head. “No. Yes. Some. Some are very good looking. But I don’t, you know, see them in a ual manner.”

 

“It’s not about the ual part here. It’s about the attraction. Not every guy I think is hot is someone I want to bone.”

 

Jaejoong looked curious. “So you look at guys like that?”

 

Yunho frowned. “Jaejoong, I am gay. I am a guy that's attracted to guys romantically and ually.”

 

“Right.” He nodded. “I know that. It’s just.”

 

“Jaejoong, you might just be confused but you sound straight.”

 

He looked upset. “Don't say that. Don’t try to discount my feelings.”

 

“Okay. Okay, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to make it seem like you’re playing.”

 

Jaejoong flushed bright red. Shaking his head, he tugged at his hair. “Oh my gosh. Yunho, you don’t understand, do you? You’ve never been confused. You’ve always known. Well, not everyone has always known.”

 

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just want to help.” Yunho stopped in front of him.

 

“I know. I’m tired of this conversation. I feel like we’re going in circles. Let’s just stop.”

 

“Hey, I want to thank you for confiding in me. I know I have not been very helpful, but I want you to know I empathize. I know how scared you are right now.”

 

“less.”

 

“I wish you weren’t so popular.”

 

Jaejoong cracked a smile. “Stop. That’s not the half of it.” His eyes darkened, but it quickly cleared up.

 

“Green Meadow?”

 

“Just everything.”

 

“Well, at least you have me.”

 

“Right,” Jaejoong said, laughing. “At least you and I can kick it back and get high.”

 

 “Being a teenager is hard, right?”

 

“I guess that’s how it is when you’re still figuring yourself out.” Jaejoong said, uncrossing his arms from his chest, trying his best to hold in his laugh.

 

“God, I hope so,” Yunho said.

 

“God.” Jaejoong sighed, patting his cheeks. “This has been so embarrassing. I could die.”

 

“Please don’t die. That’s the side effect of being a teenager,” Yunho said.

 

“I am so lucky I’ve known you since you used to wet your bed. It makes all of this embarrassing so much more bearable.”

 

Yunho scoffed and laughed. “Revisions. That used to be you.”

 

 “No, you’re trying to change history,” Jaejoong said, just as Yunho scooted closer. Their outer thighs were pressing tightly together.

 

For a moment, Yunho felt like the world paused and held its breath. But they carried on like nothing had changed. Like there was not a moment where it felt like it was just the two of them in the world, and their thighs felt impossibly hot.

 

He was so aware of Jaejoong, it felt hard to breathe.

 

Ooh, no.