A/N: not me being jealous of my own characters...man why doesn't anybody love me like this?! give me my corny overdramatic love story. anyways...let's all be jealous of nomin together and enjoy the story! and don't forget to leave a comment if you liked it <3

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The thrill was gone. It wasn't all bad. It was replaced by love, yes. The fullest, most complete love Jeno could ever think to experience. But the love hadn't made things easy, it was the thrill that had started it all and kept it simple. Love was love, but it was a love that couldn't fully happen. And pure love made Jeno's thoughts wander and his heart ache. 

Jaemin was asleep in the bed beside him. He smelled like Jeno: Jeno's coffee, Jeno's soap, Jeno's shampoo, Jeno's house, just Jeno, period. And he was in Jeno's arms, held tight, almost too tight, Jeno practically squeezing Jaemin's muscular body into his own, as if Jeno could absorb him if he kept him close enough. One would think, then, that Jaemin was Jeno's, just seeing all this. But he wasn't. At the end of the day, Jaemin wasn't his, in the eyes of the law and their families and the world. 

He couldn't ignore it any more. He was uncomfortable now. His skin crawled and his heart ached just thinking about it all. But these days, he couldn't stop thinking about it, no matter how hard he tried. And it just didn't seem like anything was going to change. Jaemin and him would always be this way, having each other only in glances and private nights. He wants so, so bad for things to be different. But it didn't seem like it could ever truly be that way. 

Oh, but, dear god it was worth it. Jeno felt guilty for even thinking such bad thoughts, when Jaemin was beside him like this, in his arms. He was Jaemin, the Jaemin of not the female or male or societal gaze but Jeno's gaze, the truest gaze that Jaemin could be viewed in. He couldn't let these struggles allow him to lose Jaemin. He just had to keep on suppressing, keep on staying in the moment, keep on remembering these precious moments that he had with his love. 

But Jeno didn't know if his bad thoughts would go away anymore. He didn't know if they could. 

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Dear Jaemin, 

I've begun to get desperate now. I've always been desperate, my sweet baby, but I think I get more and more desperate every single day. 

I want you. I know that I have you in some ways, in many ways, actually. I have your thoughts, and a big part of your heart, and your time, and some of your happiest moments. But I want all of you. Is that wrong? Maybe, and maybe it's a little weird, but I do. I do want you in every single aspect and meaning of the word want. I want your good, your bad, your ugly, your disgusting, your beautiful. 

I want you in everyone's eyes. I want you to be mine, not just in our private moments, but in every single moment we have on this earth. I want you to be mine in every single way possible and I want everyone to know that you're mine fully and completely. God, I want my family to know, your family, my friends, your friends, both of our jobs, both of our communities. I want strangers we pass by on the street and the security guard in my lobby and the housekeepers at your place to know you're mine. I want the law to know you're mine. 

it, Jaemin, I'll say it. My only dream in the whole wide world right now is to end up with you. I want, no, need us to be endgame. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you, when I'm a little older. I want to take turns at Christmas time, every other year with my family, every other year with yours. I want to wake up next to you every single morning for the rest of my life. I want a dog and three kids and a white picket fence, or a city loft and a big friend group of artists, or life similar to now, in this city with me at the restaurant and you at your dad's company, or it. I honestly don't care how the future plays out. Whatever future you want, or fate wants, I don't care. I'll love every second of it as long as you're by my side. 

And I'll make it happen. Jaemin, I swear to god with everything inside of me, I will ing make it happen. Whatever I need to make it happen, I'm game for. Pick up two, three more jobs to buy your wildest whims, I'll do it. Move halfway across the world, I'm ing down. Work at a miserable nine to five, I'll be fine. Need to kill someone? I'm game, honestly. I'll do whatever it takes, Jaemin, to make a future with you happen. I promise. I promise I promise I promise I promise I promise. I'll promise that to you until I can't speak or write anymore. I'll promise that we are each other's future, no matter what it takes. I'll promise that I'll make every effort I can to make it happen. 

My Jaemin... god... I can't wait for the day when you can fully be my Jaemin. 

Love, Jeno

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Dear Jeno, 

Can you see the wet spots on this letter? Yes, in case you were wondering, those were my tears. I cried while reading your letter and I cried for hours after. If you're wondering why this response was delayed a few days, it's because I didn't have the strength to answer until now, the morning after I received it. 

I cried because I want this so bad too. Every single thing you spoke of has been on my mind as well. I just... this love is so all-consuming that I want to shout it from the rooftops! Tell every single person I meet, from my boss at work to the barista at my favorite coffee shop, that I'm in love! That I'm truly, madly, deeply in love, with the sweetest boy named Jeno, and that I am his and he is mine. I would brand myself with your name, if I could. I would brand everything I own with our names, side by side. 

Just reading your words.... Christmases, marriage, a future, made my tears fall harder and harder. I would love to marry you. Jeno, it is my deepest want, my deepest desire. I would love to have a wedding, my way this time. Only a few guests, just the people you and I care most about in the world. No elaborate gifts or reception or overpriced venue. Just the solidifying consecration of our love. And Christmas...oh, Christmas... me becoming a part of your family... you becoming a part of mine. I dream of all the holidays really, Thanksgiving with friends, Valentine's Day devoted to each other. 

Do you know how I get through every day at work? With these same thoughts you put down in your letter, my love. Can you imagine us growing old together? Retired, puttering around our little house, everything neither yours nor mine but ours, because we built it all together, every object we own, every bit of this life we would have. Or vacations, to big cities all over, or to a beautiful remote countryside somewhere, where you and I can worry about nothing but having the best time ever, with each other. I spend most of my downtime at work looking at Zillow and Airbnb, sifting through these places and daydreaming about what you and I would make of them, if we had the freedom to. 

I want this, all of this, everything you and I said, more than any want or desire in the world, more than any want or desire I've ever had before or will have again. But... I don't even want to write it. You know. 

My love, I'll keep on dreaming. You and I can dream together, forever.

Love Jaemin

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As Jeno read Jaemin's response, tears began to well up in his eyes. It was a lovely letter, a beautiful letter, as they all were. But Jeno's letter contained promises. Jaemin's letter didn't. They simply contained wants, desires. Jeno knew Jaemin's wants and desires. But there wasn't any promise to actually make it happen, for either of them. And Jeno felt his heart shatter, just for a moment, and put his heart back together. For Jaemin's sake, for his own. To write his answer. Like he hadn't even noticed. 

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Dear Jaemin, 

I'm sorry I made you cry. I really and truly am. Even if it was out of love, I never, ever want to hurt you. I can't imagine ever doing anything to ever hurt you, and it absolutely breaks my heart that I did. 

Maybe it's dangerous for us to talk like this. We dream too hard and then hurt so bad when it's not here. So I'm going to try and live for the present. Live for each moment, each time I can say is now. Those moments when we are together, even if we can't speak to each other. 

I'll live for when I catch your eye at the restaurant and when we go kiss in the bathroom, when I can call you baby out loud, when you're in my apartment, when we're ing or even just touching in any sort of way, when you sit on top of my counter and drink my ty coffee with the biggest smile on your pretty face. From now on, I'm going to try and just be happy when I check my mail and I see a letter from you. God, I could recognize your handwriting on anything, even just a single word in your writing now. I'll be happy reading your pretty loving words, and I'll be so happy writing you back. The happiest moment of my day today, after all, is sitting here and answering you. Thinking of all the different ways I can tell you how I feel.... thinking of all the different ways I can make you smile with just my words on a piece of paper. 

I love you, Jaemin. I think, no, wait, I know I'm always going to love you, no matter what happens. I love you inherently. Even if you change, I'll still love you. Even if I change, and you stay the same forever, I'll still love you. I love you when we're apart and I love you when we're together. I love you when we can speak and I love you when the only way we can communicate is through these letters. I love you when you're happy and I love you when you cry, even if it's my words that made you do so. 

I just love you, baby. 

Love Jeno