hole-and-corner

Chapter 11. Reminiscence

Feeling the numbing sensation on her arm, Handong tried moving it but there was this weight pressing her arm down. She then opened her eyes as soon as she woke up and saw Yubin sleeping beside her, head above her arm, using it as a pillow. She looked so peaceful in her sleep but then she realized that they haven't even had a change of clothes from the night before. The two of them just fell asleep due to the long, tiring night. Handong was hesitating whether or not to wake Yubin. She let out a sigh after deciding before trying to wake Yubin up.

"Yubin..." She called her name out as she lightly tapped her arm. The action woke the girl and was a bit shocked when she saw Handong right after opening her eyes. "You should change your clothes first; you might catch a cold..."

Both of them were still in their attire earlier and it was not that comfortable sleeping dressed like that.

Yubin pulled her body up to sit, finally setting Handong's arm free. There was a momentarily awkward silence between the two of them.

"I'm going home." Handong said. Yubin quickly grabbed her wrist as if not wanting to let go. The older sensed what the younger means and reassured her with her next words. "I'll just change my clothes. You should too."

"Will you come back here?", asked Yubin.

The blonde girl responded with a nod and Yubin let go of her. She watched as the other walked away slowly, not even looking back. Yubin could feel the slight cold treatment the other was giving her and she couldn't really blame her. All she could do was to feel guilty for her unrealistic demands which in turn could make Handong feel bad dealing with her.

With these thoughts clouding her mind, she undressed herself and got into the shower. She didn't even bother turning on the heater. She just went straight under the water, the coldness creeping up into every pore. Tears started to fall down and she could feel the warmth from her flushed face being washed away by the cold dripping water. It has been a while since Yubin felt this kind of frustration...

"Is it true?" Yubin said firmly amongst the heavy breathing due to her anxiety in confronting her girlfriend.

"What?" The girl asked straight-forwardly, giving her a cold stare.

She was on the verge of breaking down in front of her. With conviction, she replied as she tried very hard to hold back her emotions. "That you're leaving... You're going to the US?"

The girl in front of her just stood with a blank, emotionless face. Yubin was getting more anxious because of the uncomfortable silence between them. She raised her voice a bit calling her girlfriend's name to gather her attention.

"Chaemin!"

The girl sighed, slightly bringing down the facade she was trying to show. "Yes, it's true."

The confirmation was something that Yubin was expecting but she definitely wasn't prepared to hear. She subconsciously was not believing it even when she has just heard Minji's phone conversation with Chaemin earlier. She needed to know, thus confronting her. But now that the matter has been confirmed, she was wishing that it wasn't. It doesn't feel real, like it was all just a bad dream.

"...why?" This is the only word that Yubin could say. She was drowning in her own emotions as she held back both her disappointment... and tears.

Chaemin totally lost her facade and now her emotionless face began to show anguish and her gaze softened as she stood in front of Yubin, looking at her straight in the eyes. "I have to. I was scouted and offered a contract in the States. I've got the opportunity to be a model. I couldn't waste this chance. You know this is my dream, right?"

"Yes, I know. But why aren't you telling me anything? When are you planning to tell me... or are you just leaving without telling me anything at all?" Yubin said her thoughts out loud, releasing all the frustration she was feeling.

"I couldn't tell you." Chaemin paused to hold Yubin's arm. "If I did, I wouldn't be able to fully commit to it. I know you'd disapprove and I know you wouldn't tell me about it."

Yubin was speechless. She was just getting more and more disappointed as the conversation goes. "You know I'd support you with whatever you want..."

"Tell me, will you not be sad? Will you not want me to not go and ditch this opportunity?" asked Chaemin with a serious face.

"Of course, I'd be sad!" Yubin could only say this as she couldn't hold her tears anymore. Chaemin was right. She just didn't say it but it made her feel how selfish she might've been if she was thinking that this would be her response.

"I'm sorry..." Yubin said before running away. It was the last time they saw each other...

Her reminiscence stopped when she heard the door opening. That must be Handong. She just realized that she was taking too long in the shower and suddenly was aware of the cold again. She finished up cleaning herself, dried her hair and put on a more comfortable set of clothes.

Yubin went out of her room as she heard the whistling of the kettle in the kitchen.

Handong notices the familiar sound of footsteps approaching and without looking back, she said, "I'm making hot choco."

Yubin moved closer, wanting to embrace the other. Handong has anticipated this and knew that the other was hesitating. She put the mugs away and turned around to look at the younger girl. She was really disappointed the night before but seeing the other looking so fragile, which is unusual since she was always level-headed and calm, it made her realize that there must've been a deeper reason for her to act like that.

"Come here..." She said as she welcomed the other with open arms.

The girl slowly walked closer and in a second, she was then wrapped in her girlfriend's warm embrace. They were saying nothing but just standing there, feeling each other's heartbeat and listening to each other's breathing. It was as if they were the only two people in the world existing at this moment.

"I--I'm sorry..." Yubin murmured softly.

"You don't have to be. I'm sorry too. I should've been more considerate of your feelings." responded Handong as she softly caressed Yubin's back.

"Why...? Why do you have to be so nice?" The younger girl asked as she tightened her hug. "Do I even deserve you?"

"Silly girl! Of course you do! You deserve all the good things in life." Handong chuckled, trying to lighten the mood a bit. "You deserve me because I am the best."

But instead of hearing a chuckle, she felt the other starting to cry...

There was silence after, only the soft cries could be heard. Handong was just softly patting her back, letting the other cry. This was the first time she has seen Yubin like this, fragile and vulnerable -- and it makes her even want to protect her now more than ever. This is Yubin's side that she couldn't let anyone other than Handong see.

After quite some time, when the younger girl finally calmed down, she loosened up her embrace and her breathing is now more relaxed.

"Dongie..." She shyly called the older with her endearment and slowly lifted her face to glance at her.

"Hmm?" Handong responded with a smile. "You feeling better now?"

Yubin answered with only a nod as she felt her heart melting with just the sight -- the eyes glimmering with concern and that kind smile. She felt her fingertips gently brushing the remaining traces of tears on her cheeks.

"Now, you sit and calm down, okay? Blow your nose. It'll make you feel even better..." That tone of voice surely could calm Yubin down. The older girl assisted her to a chair by the dining table.

Handong then went back to what she was previously doing. Only the sound of the clacking of kitchen utensils was filling up the room. Yubin disliked the empty noise and finally gathered all her courage to speak up.

"That girl earlier, the model from the event..." She paused for a bit, checking if Handong was paying attention.

"Hmm?"

"...well, she was my ex-girlfriend."

"Oh." This surprised the older girl a bit as she didn't expect to hear this from her. "You two are not in good terms?"