A/N: Take a shot every time a character tells another that they love/loved them. Take a shot every time Han cries. Take a shot every time one of them lies. The flow of this chapter might be a bit off due to me writing certain parts first but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! Enjoy!

P.S I had to watch two-year-old baby videos on youtube to see how they talk and goddamnit. Some of them are demons. Those videos are my form of birth control. One two year old scattered trash all over the living room T0T. Safe , everyone. 

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I should let someone know, that something does not feel right. It's like I'm colorblind. Because everyone's world is in color, except for mine. 
It , cos everything's in black and white. And I can't say I'm numb inside, cause that sounds so dark. 

It's hard, cause even as we're sitting here. We're fighting off a constant fear, but no one sees that part. 

-Colorblind, Mokita (Great song, support the artist!) 

Kun’s car sped down the road, the male’s knuckles turning white from the pressure. He knew he had only one place to go to for the right answers, Kun dropping one hand to reach for his phone as he dialed Sicheng’s number for tenth time.

All this time, little by little, it slowly made sense. The way Sicheng would stop him from calling Rouge. The things he would say when he and Kun would get into a fight.

You can’t take care of yourself. What makes you think you could take care of two?

“It’s not like I’m married and I have a child, Sicheng,” Kun said one day, earning a scoff from the younger male. If only you knew, Sicheng replied. It was the combination of things he had said over the years that made Kun look down at the child, his mind slowly registering who he was.

It was a blur what happened next because Kun gave her to him and left. Not one look behind his shoulder. He left the grocery store with empty, trembling hands and a dry throat. Where was Sicheng?

Kun’s car skidded to a stop in front of Sicheng’s apartment building, Kun parking the vehicle hastily. He didn’t care if it was straight, all he needed was answers. Would she have broken up with him had she not gotten pregnant? Was that why she completely disappeared on him? The timeline fit so well. Kun pressed the elevator button over and over again, the action not making any difference as the numbers slowly went down to the first floor.

With a ding, the doors opened and Kun entered the metal box, chewing on his bottom lip and shakily adjusting his glasses. The moment he reached the front of Sicheng’s apartment, he pounded on the door with one hand, the other pressing on the door bell when he heard movement from behind the door.

“Sicheng! Open the door right now!” he demanded, another fist against the door when it opened and he came face to face with Mercy. Sicheng’s wife had her hair pulled back away from her face, Kun finding himself searching the apartment behind her when he pushed himself in. “Where is he?”

“Work,” she replied, her eyebrows furrowing. “What brings you here, Kun?”

“I need to talk to him,” Kun rasped, a hand going to rub against his face. “He knows, he knows. God, he had always known about Rouge and the child… The child…”

Kun was rambling now, Mercy letting out a soft sigh as Kun tried to focus on one thing at a time. She moved away from him to close the door and lock it. Kun whipped his head around to leave. He’d find Sicheng at the office but Mercy grabbed his forearm. Kun moved away, the female firmly pushing him into her shared apartment.

“He knew about my son. He knew about my son and he didn’t tell me,” Kun breathed. The feeling of betrayal was hard to dismiss, the doctor biting down on his lower lip until he could taste blood.

“You’re not going to yell at him for doing the right thing,” Mercy said from the side and he looked up to see that she had her arms crossed over her chest. Mercy had always stood up to Kun when she needed to but Kun thought to himself that this time, she was overstepping boundaries that she wasn’t supposed to.

He couldn’t help but snap at her, asking her who she thought she was to be the judge of it but Mercy stood her ground.

“He should have told me.”

“Sicheng was being a good friend.”

“And why am I having this conversation with you, Mercy?” he asked, rising from the couch. She did not flinch at how fast he had moved, Mercy letting out a sharp exhale instead. “You knew about him, too. This has nothing to do with you. It’s between me and Sichen—”

“It has everything to do with me,” Mercy began, her eyes darkening and Kun watched as a flash of protectiveness wash through her features. “Sicheng is my husband, Kun. I thank you for everything you have done for him and I know he wouldn’t be the man he is today if it wasn’t for you but it has everything to do with me because now, I’m protecting him from you.”

“Protecting him from me?” Kun echoed, Mercy pressing her lips together. He knew he had changed, not for the better but how dare she speak about him like that?

“You are not going to put the blame on anyone,” she continued. “Not on Xiaojun, not on Sicheng, not on me. He was doing what was best for Han and Rouge. Look at you, Kun. You’re here demanding answers when you already know them. You’re here because you want to find someone to blame.”

Kun’s breath hitched up his throat, Mercy’s voice rising an octave. She had kept her cool about him for so long but Mercy wasn’t going to let anyone hurt Sicheng. Not on her watch.

Especially not Kun.

“What do you want Sicheng to tell you? That Rouge begged him not to tell you? Are you still going to yell at him knowing that it wasn’t his decision to make?” Mercy raised an eyebrow. “Now that you know, deal with it on your own the way you’re supposed to and leave my husband out of it.”

Kun swallowed, not knowing what to say when the front door opened and both of them could see Sicheng unlocking the front door. Mercy cleared , Sicheng frowning when he saw Kun.

“Ge?” he asked, surprised Kun was there. “What’s going on? Mercy, why do you look like that?”

“What?” she asked, her face relaxing as the female scurried towards her husband to grab his coat. “Nothing. Kun came to pay us a visit but you weren’t here. He has to go, though.”

“Oh.” Sicheng blinked. “It’s rather weird you’d visit out of the blue. I had to finish a couple of demos.”

“It’s okay, I’m leaving,” Kun said as Sicheng went to the kitchen, tilting his head at him. “I’ll visit some other time.”

“Mhm,” Sicheng replied, still looking irked at Kun’s presence. Mercy opened the front door for Kun, the male stepping out when she lowered her voice.

“To Sicheng's defense,” she murmured. “Han is a good kid and you wouldn’t have been a good dad.”

With that, she shut the front door right in his face.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I knew he knew.

I knew he knew the moment he looked into Han’s eyes. I knew he had pieced everything together. Every single thing Sicheng would apologize to me for whenever he said the wrong thing that was too close to the truth. I watched Qian Kun give me my son, his hands not lingering when he his heel and walked away.

I did the first thing I thought of and that was to go to Yixing, Han beginning to cry because Yixing told him that I’d buy his chocolate but I didn’t. I had rushed towards his office and the moment Yixing opened the door, I stepped in and did what I did best. Cry and panic.

“He saw Han,” I told him, Han looking around Yixing’s office before deciding it was a good idea to grab the book that was on the table and throwing it to get both our attention. “He saw Han and he left. Kun knows, Yixing. He knows.”

It took a while for Yixing to process it, the male grabbing my shoulders and turning me to look at him. His thumb ran over my cheek to wipe the tears before he told me to calm down. Kun is the one who left you? He is Han’s father?

It took me a lot of mental strength to get rid of the feeling of trepidation. Of what would happen when the confrontation would start. Right then and there, in Yixing’s arms as he tried to tell me that nothing would change, was the calm before the storm.

“It’ll be alright. Han, come here,” Yixing said to Han, my son hopping towards him and allowing himself to be swept up towards his chest. Han began to complain.

“Mama didn’t buy choco,” Han murmured, his lips curling down into a pout and I sniffed.

“Mama is sad. Chocolate can wait, Han,” Yixing said gently and I felt Han’s small fingers on my cheek. His voice rose and he asked me why I was sad.

“Why you sad, Mama? Why sad?” he asked and I kissed his fingers, trying to get a grip on myself when my phone blew up and that was when I knew it was Kun. I hadn’t changed my number all these years. All I ever did was ignore him. I bit down on my lower lip, feeling Han grab my hands.

“Honey,” I said, Han looking up at me with his big eyes.

“Why sad, Mama?” he asked again. What a persistent baby. “Why sad?”

I didn’t answer his question, my hand going into my bag to bring a tube of lipstick to my lips. Pink. Rouge was no longer my primary color.

“Mama fought with her…” Yixing’s voice trailed. “Friend. Hey, look at me.”

It didn’t help to glance at Yixing. If so, it made it even worse but I tried to tell myself that this was the way.

“I have to talk to him,” I told Yixing, my boyfriend nodding softly. He seemed to agree. That was the only adult decision I could make. “I’ll handle it, Yixing. I’m so sorr—”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s normal to be shaken up,” he told me, bringing my hands up to his lips to kiss my fingers. “I’m here. Go talk to Kun and when I get off work, let’s talk about where to go for the weekend so you can put on that dress I bought you. How does that sound?”

“Lotte World?” Han perked up, looking up at Yixing at the sound of ‘weekend’. “Lotte World, Appa?”

Yixing smiled, not wanting to make any promises to Han just yet. I told him that sounded like a great idea and even if my voice cracked and my hands trembled, I told myself that if I could handle years of being a single mother, I could handle this. I told Yixing to go work, grabbing my phone and dialing the one person I knew would be able to lend me a helping hand.

She came almost immediately like an angel she was, Nurse Spring in all her cheerful glory.

“Hi, honey,” she greeted, automatically bringing her hand up to pat my cheek. “Oh, you’ve been crying. Han… Han! Come here, darling. Let’s go for playtime?”

“Yes! Playtime!” Han yelled, hopping towards her and she reached for him.

“Taeyong texted a moment ago,” she said suddenly to me and I frowned, wondering why Spring was telling me about her boyfriend texting her. “He asked me if I was with you.”

“Oh,” I murmured, my hand grabbing my phone from inside my bag to check if I had any messages from Taeyong. I had none.

“He just wanted me to keep an eye on you,” Nurse Spring said, smiling. Sometimes, I wondered how Taeyong always seemed to have impeccable timing for everything. “I’ll bring Han over to the playground. Just shoot me a call, okay?”

I nodded. I already felt drained but the moment she was gone, I decided to get it over and done with.

I had to face Qian Kun.

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Qian Kun did not think he’d ever be in this situation.

Nervously tapping his fingers on the solid table in front of him. He was never nervous. His throat felt dry and work was pushed to the back of his mind, Kun telling himself he’d revisit the thought some other time.

Then she walked in, her pink lipstick and her smudged mascara. Had she been crying? Kun knew that expression— it was the expression of dread. Her hair had been pulled back and she found him, Rouge making her way towards him.

Qian Kun felt like everything was going too fast. He desperately wanted everything to slow down, Kun clearing his throat once more when she stopped in front of him.

“Kun,” she greeted. She was as nervous as he was, Kun realized. “It’s been a while.”

Skip the awkward talk, Kun wanted to say. Tell me about him. Tell me everything. But it was funny how he couldn’t make himself say that, Kun reaching to massage the back of his neck.

“His name is Han,” she finally said and he looked up to see that her eyes were on the table, refusing to meet his. “He’s two.”

He had so many things to say but nothing seemed right. He decided to focus on her, Kun bringing his eyes onto her features. She seemed more mature now, like she’d fight him if he crossed her.

“Is this why you broke up with me?” he asked and she pressed her lips together. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were adamant you had a bright future ahead of you and I didn’t want to ruin that,” she answered almost immediately. It was like she rehearsed it in her mind. Like she knew the questions he would ask. “It was my choice, Kun. If I were to turn back time, I’d make the same choice.”

Silence. Kun desperately tried to think of something to say to fill in the gaps so they would keep talking.

“I want to be a part of his life,” he finally said, hoping his voice did not sound as scared as he was feeling. “Please.”

She seemed to understand, Rouge looking up at him. Why was it that she seemed just as broken as she was when she left him? Her tongue poked out the side of her cheek, Rouge reaching up to run a hand through her hair.

“Rouge,” Kun began, a hand reaching out to cup hers but she snatched it back, her eyebrows furrowing. He was taken aback by how she acted like his touch burned, Rouge chewing on her bottom lip.

“I won’t be comfortable with you with Han alone, Kun. I hope you understand,” she told him.

“I understand,” Kun said. He was playing by her rules. She held the cards and she would be the one who’d give them to him. He’d take it.

He’d take it because that was the right thing to do.

She told him about Yixing, how Han called Yixing his ‘Appa’ and that Kun entering Han's life would not change that. She told him she’d do what was best for Han, and Han alone. Kun simply listened, Rouge laying down boundaries for him.

He was surprised at how firm she was. Her eyes were on him, defiantly challenging him to challenge her but Kun knew that it would be stupid to do so. No taking Han away without her. No bringing Han anywhere without her or Yixing.

Kun did not know what he was feeling when he heard of Yixing. Zhang Yixing, the man who was respected and so much better than he was. Zhang Yixing, who was successful and known to be the apple of everyone’s eye. Zhang Yixing, the boyfriend who had filled in his shoes when they broke up.

“Does he treat you well?” Kun finally asked.

“Better than you could have ever treated me,” she answered. Kun then asked to meet Han. He asked it ever so carefully, his fingers crossed underneath the table when she nodded.

All it took was a call and Kun was surprised to see Taeyong’s girlfriend arrive. It made him wonder how many people knew of Han and kept him in the dark, Kun watching Han stare at him. He was a cute child. He looked a lot like Kun when he was younger. He had Rouge’s eyes and puffy cheeks, Han tilting his head at him.

Kun knelt down and even if it wasn’t the first time he had seen Han, he inspected him carefully when Han glowered at him.

“Bad!” he cried and much to Kun’s surprise, Han brought his little palm down onto Kun’s face. “Bad! Bad! Bad man!”

“Han!” Rouge gasped, a hand going to tell Han to stop but the two-year-old was livid.

“Bad man! You make Mama cry!” Han yelled, Rouge trying to calm Han down. It seemed like Nurse Spring had told him that Kun was a friend.

“Mama is fine now,” Rouge told Han, telling him to stop. Despite being yelled at by a two-year-old, Kun couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Han wrapped his small arms around Rouge’s neck, asking her questions.

“Mama fine now? Mama no cry?” he asked softly and Kun was amazed at how fast he had switched from hitting him to wondering how Rouge was. He glared at Kun from where he was at. “Mama, let’s go.”

“Where?” Rouge asked, Kun seeing Han kiss his mother on the cheek. “Where do you want to go?”

“See Appa. Internal Medicine. Appa don’t make Mama cry.”

It took ten minutes and a lot of coaxing with desserts to be able to let Han sit on Kun's lap. But when he did, Kun had never felt so achieved. 

But Rouge stood by him, watching them carefully as if to say that he was her son. Her son. 

"My name is Qian Kun." 

"My name is Han," Han replied, a finger in his mouth. 

Nice to meet you, Kun said to him. As he tried to talk to Han, Sicheng's words popped up in his head and he found himself agreeing. 

He did not want Han to turn out like him. 

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Adding Kun into the equation was easier than I thought. It might have to do with the fact that Han had always been a social baby. He had always been out and about since he was a child and after explaining that Kun was “Mama’s good friend”, he seemed to accept it.

It started off with Han going to the hospital sometimes to see Kun, to slowly warm up to him. Then it was in Yixing’s apartment, my boyfriend telling me that maybe it was time for me to move in with him.

“I want to be around when Kun’s with Han, too. Besides, don’t you think it’s time?” Yixing asked one day. “My place is closer to the hospital and you aren’t comfortable with Kun in your apartment.”

Yes, because that place and I knew Kun wouldn’t be okay with Han staying in that kind of environment.

“Your lease is ending. Take the deposit and just move in with me. If you ever want to move out again, you can.”

I agreed. I agreed because I thought it was best for Han to stay in one place and to have Kun visit him. Han warmed up to Kun easily and after a few weeks of seeing Kun, he began to look forward to his visits.

I began working more and was okay with Han being left with Kun and Yixing. I told Yixing that I wasn’t comfortable with both of them together and always asked to have Yixing with them.

Until one day, Yixing told me that he had surgery and he was called to the hospital.

Yixing: Kun’s there.
Yixing: He’ll take care of Han.

I frowned when I saw the text, Taeyong looking up before nudging me. I snapped out of it.

“Oh. Okay, look up,” I told Taeyong, patting powder under his eyes. “Beautiful.”

“How’s Han?” he asked and I began to tell him about Kun. He smiled. “I’m happy you gave Kun a chance, Rouge.”

Baekhyun chuckled from behind Taeyong, his eyes falling onto me.

“Blue would be happy with your decision,” Baekhyun murmured, looking back down onto his phone.

I agreed, thinking to myself that it would be something Blue would want me to do.

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Kun thought to himself that he had hit a milestone with Han. It was another one of those days of him babysitting Han, his son toddling around in Yixing’s living room. Han really really loved men in doctor coats.

He wondered if it was because he was conditioned that way, growing up in the hospital since Rouge would often bring him to see Yixing. Kun yawned, the male feeling exhausted. On days he wasn’t at the hospital, he’d be in Yixing’s apartment.

“Dino ABC, Dino ABC!” Han sang in front of the TV. “Ankylosaurus, Brachiosaurus!”

One thing Kun was grateful for was that Han knew Chinese. He had thanked Yixing one day for that, both doctors greeting each other civilly in the hospital. Yixing was a pleasant man to work with and Kun knew why Rouge liked him so much. He was everything Kun wanted to be.

“Han, come here,” Kun said, his arms open. It was weird to him how he turned to mush every time Han was near. “Come, come.”

Han turned and broke into a smile, running to Kun before getting tackled onto the couch. Han blew on Kun’s face, his cheeks pushing up into a smile. Kun asked him what he ate that day in Mandarin, the male feeling a hint of pride when Han responded in the same language. 

“Food. Appa cook chicken,” Han replied. Even if it was broken, he made sense. It was hard because Kun still did not graduate from ‘Kun’ but it was good that Han did not refer to him as an uncle. “You? You…”

Han paused, switching back to Korean. “You ate already?”

Kun chuckled, nodding. “I’ll eat you!” 

Han giggled, curling his fingers in front of his face. Kun could feel Han’s body shake, his legs swinging back and forth as he kicked the material of the couch over and over again. Every time Han laughed, it was hard for him to stop. 

“Rawr.” Han lifted his hands in the air like a dinosaur. “Like dinosaur.”

“What’s your favorite dinosaur?” Kun asked, bringing Han towards him and supporting his legs with his arms. “What’s your favorite dinosaur?” Kun repeated the question in Chinese, Han opening his mouth to show that his favorite dinosaur had a big mouth.

“Is that right?” Kun asked, watching Han pucker his lips suddenly. Kun blinked, surprised at the action. Not once had he ever kissed his father nor had he ever remembered getting affection from his step-father. Han was raised differently, however.

He was an affectionate child and Kun had witnessed him kiss Yixing and Rouge multiple times, as a goodbye and as a greeting. Sometimes, very randomly he’d come up for hugs and praise. Kun just never thought that he’d ever ask them of him.

Kun brought his lips carefully down onto his son’s lips and gave him a peck, Han hugging him tightly around the neck before kicking off the couch to continue his session with Dino ABC playing on the TV.

“Dino ABC, Dino ABC!” Han sang, hands in the air as he jumped on the spot. “Woo, woo, woo!”

Kun knew he had to leave soon, the male checking his watch to see that he had to be back in the hospital in four hours. He’d had to leave if he thought of getting some sleep but he promised that he’d keep an eye on Han so he knew that was not an option.

That, and he wanted to spend every waking moment with his son.

“Dino ABC— No!” Han yelled out suddenly and Kun jolted out from his trance, the TV changing programs. Han’s lips turned into a pout when he began to cry, Kun realizing that he did not understand the concept of TV’s yet, that you couldn’t control what comes up on each channel. “Gone! Gone! Dino ABC gone!”

And then he began to cry, Kun’s eyes widening at the situation. He had forgotten how kids cried over the stupidest things, Kun dropping down onto his knees to bring Han back into his arms.

“It’ll come back,” Kun promised even if he had no idea if it would. He’d find himself checking the program schedules in his free time. Han cried, his eyes b with tears and Kun stood up, bouncing him up instinctively. “It’ll come back.”

Kun began to think of ways to give him what Han wanted, Kun stopping himself. He never got what he wanted as a child; did he really want to spoil Han? But as he watched Han wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, Kun thought that he did want to spoil Han. He wanted to spoil Han in ways other people couldn’t.

“Are you sleepy?” Kun asked, Han sniffling. He wiped Han’s nose with his hand, Han laying his head on Kun’s shoulder and giving out a mumble. “Sleep. Your Appa and Mama will come home soon.”

And even if he was exhausted and tired, Kun had never felt so happy. Han’s head lolled to the side as Kun danced in the living room. His arm would pain and he knew that but he would smile every time he felt it. It was a reminder of Han.

“Goodnight, son,” Kun whispered softly, Han murmuring something under his breath. His heart swelled at how he could say it. He wanted to see Han’s face, Kun craning his neck but to no avail. Han’s face was pressed warmly against his neck.

Kun, how did it come to this? Kun had momentary flashes of his childhood, standing in front of his step-father with grades that were through the roof and waiting for praise. He would get none.

“You’re so loved, Han,” he said softly, remembering how he always wanted to hear that. “So loved.”

He sighed when the jiggling of the front door began and he looked up to see that Yixing and Rouge had arrived. The female smiled when she saw him and Kun had to remind himself that she was smiling at the child in his arms, Kun wetting his lips with his tongue.

“He’s asleep?” Yixing asked, lowering the volume of his voice so it was a hushed whisper. Kun nodded, Han shifting slightly when Kun tried to pry him away but Han had locked his arms around his neck. “He does that.”

Kun knew, Rouge tiptoeing into the kitchen. Yixing hung his coat and opened his hands so Kun could give him Han, the child stirring when he woke up. He let out whine, his lips automatically turning down when Yixing shook his head.

“No, no, no. No crying, it’s okay,” Yixing said, holding Han who was half awake. “Say goodnight to your Papa.”

This took Kun by surprise. Even if Yixing said it in Chinese, Kun glanced at Rouge. He was afraid that the title would be a breach of the rules she had drawn but she seemed to be listening, a smile on her face.

“Goodnight, Papa,” Han mumbled. “Goodnight, Appa.”

Maybe it was because it was in Chinese, Kun thought as Yixing disappeared into the small bedroom that was considered Han’s room. Maybe that’s why she was okay with it.

“Papa Kun,” Rouge said from the side, Kun glancing at her before opening his mouth to apologize.

“I’m sorry, I—”

“Relax, Kun,” Rouge said to him, her eyes twinkling. “You did say that you’d be a constant part of his life. Rather have him call you that now.”

It seemed like Yixing and Rouge had discussed it, Kun nodding slowly. She excused herself to head into the bedroom, Kun glancing at the watch to check the time before mentally counting the hours in his head.

“How was he today?” Yixing asked, closing the door behind him. Kun smiled, telling him that he was alright. “Didn’t give you any trouble, did he?”

“Not at all,” Kun said, picking up his coat from the sofa. Yixing paused, looking like he was thinking of something. “I’m heading off. I need to be at the hospital in a few hours.”

Yixing nodded, the older male still looking like he had something to say. He was just like Rouge, Kun thought. He was so… hesitant sometimes. Maybe that was why they got along very well.

“You should stay the night,” Yixing said suddenly and Kun lifted an eyebrow. “You must be exhausted. When Rouge and I were heading back here, we talked about it. Can’t have you falling asleep on the wheel.”

He was just like Rouge, Kun repeated in his mind. He was so selfless.

It made Kun feel like .

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I remember laying in bed as Yixing slipped under the covers beside me. His arms automatically went around my body as he snuggled against my back. I asked him to stay the night, Yixing said softly and I don’t know why I felt okay with that.

“He must be exhausted, Rouge,” Yixing told me and I nodded. “He’s trying so hard.”

That night, I listened to Yixing tell me about his past. He was no different from Kun. It was no different from mine. Three people with broken childhoods trying to give their best for a child who deserved all the love in the world.

“At least he’s trying,” Yixing whispered to me, his lips kissing my bare shoulder. “That’s all that matters.”

I turned over, a hand going to press against Yixing’s cheek. He smiled at me and I told myself that I should be grateful for Yixing—that he was the reason why I was happy.

“Doesn’t it bother you that Kun’s always around?” Yixing asked suddenly and I paused. I avoided Kun like a plague and on days that I saw him, Yixing would always be by my side. I knew why Yixing asked because even if we exchanged little to no words, our glances were too long to be just friends.

We cooperated in silence and it worked.

“No,” I replied. “It doesn’t.”

I don’t know why I lied, but I did.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The first time I spent time with Kun and Han was when Yixing was gone for emergency surgery. I was in the bedroom, trying to fix my clothes for the next time I had to go for Taeyong’s shooting. Comfortable blouse and slacks laid on the bed, ready for ironing. The sounds of the Dino ABC Youtube video that Kun had found for Han was playing in the living room.

I heard the front door open and the jingle of keys, making me call out for Yixing when I heard Han run towards the front door.

“Papa Kun!” he yelled and I froze by the door before pushing open crack to peek out. I saw Kun lower himself onto the ground, picking Han up before he placed the keys by the TV screen.

“Hi,” Kun greeted, pressing his lips against Han’s cheek. “Kiss.”

“Kiss.” Han echoed, kissing Kun smack on the lips. “What we do today, Papa?”

“Your Yixing Appa has surgery today,” Kun told Han, bringing him onto the couch. “So you have me for the day, how does that sound? Where’s your mom?”

At that moment, Han pointed at the open door and Kun looked straight at me.

“Hide and Seek?” Han asked loudly, seeing only one of my eyes and my whole body hidden behind the door. “Hide and Seek, Mama?”

Kun gave me an awkward wave when he saw me. “Yixing-ge gave me the keys. He said you might be sleeping since it’s a Sunday.”

“Just… doing laundry.” I opted to keep my words simple, Kun giving me a small nod before Han demanded attention to be brought back to him. Leaving them together gave me peace of mind and I continued to do my own thing when there was a crash and I heard Kun yell out at Han.

“Han!”

My eyes widened and I bolted to the door, pushing it open to see Han standing with his head hanging low and Kun in front of him, his arms crossed over his chest. There was milk powder all over the ground, scattered over the floor of the kitchen.

“I left you for two minutes,” Kun said pointedly and Han remained silent. A part of me wanted to step in but I knew that me doing so would make Han cry. Yixing and I had spoken about Han’s lack of discipline before—the young boy always getting what he wanted every time he resorted to tears. Yixing and I were too similar, soft-hearted when it came to the little boy and the universe in his eyes. “What did I tell you about trying to climb on the kitchen counter?”

“Donut do,” Han murmured and I watched in awe as he stood with his hands behind his back. I wondered how many times it had happened before since it did not look like the first. “Sorry, Papa.”

“And didn’t I tell you that if you want something, to tell Papa?” Kun asked, Han nodding sadly.

“Sorry, Papa,” Han mumbled again.

“If you do that again and you fall off the counter, you’re going to get hurt and we don’t want that, do we?”

Han nodded, Kun tapping his foot.

“Now that the milk powder is all over the floor, what do we do?” Kun asked and I saw how Han looked up questioningly. Not once has Han kept his toys every time he played in the living room. Not once has any of us berated him for his bad behavior.

“We…” Han blinked and I could already see a pout forming. He’d cry, I thought, and Kun would cave like Yixing and I. “We…”

The sobs were coming, Han mouth curving deeper downwards before he gasped softly. There were no tears yet, Kun not dropping the angry act.

“W-We…” he stuttered and then suddenly he began to wail, his tears dropping heavily down his cheeks. I wanted to swoop in and hold him against my chest and tell him to stop crying but I told myself not to. Kun shook his head sternly and the cries became louder, my heart twisting at the way Han was beginning to flail his arms as an indication of wanting love.

Kun looked over at me to see me watching. His gaze was different and I guessed this was what they called ‘dad-mode’, Kun pursing his lips and turning back to look at Han.

“We?” he urged, Han hiccupping at Kun’s voice. “What happens when something falls onto the floor?”

“Clean,” Han said automatically. Kun nodded. “We clean.”

“Okay?” Kun asked and amazingly enough, Han had stopped crying and nodded silently. “Come on, let’s clean the floor and next time this happens, you will do it on your own, okay?”

“Okay,” Han murmured. Then it was a switch, Kun leaning down to pucker his lips at Han, my son kissing him on the lips and asking how to clean. I smiled, watching the scene in front of me when I could hear both of them speaking slowly in Mandarin.

Kun had swept the floor in one go and had sat down on the floor with Han between his legs. Han was not cleaning anything, his little hands holding a cloth and messily dragging it across the ground but as Kun began to praise him, he beamed.

“That’s it,” he said, Kun supporting himself. Each swipe on the ground, Han looked up at Kun expecting something in return. A pat on the head, a nod of satisfaction from Kun, and a compliment. “That’s good. It’s done. Let’s change your diapers a—”

“He’s out of diapers,” I blurted out, the realization settling in that I didn’t go for groceries the day before. “We’re trying to potty train him and he tells us when he has to go sometimes.”

Han has wet his pants multiple times but he was starting to understand the cues of when he had to go to the toilet. On days that I was tired, I’d put a diaper on him and even if he often told me to take it off, I would tell him that on that particular day, he needed it.

Han stood up, balancing himself and grabbing Kun’s shoulders before stepping over Kun’s extended legs. Kun pushed himself up.

“That’s… That’s okay.” His voice was filled with uncertainty. 

“I can go get them. I didn’t go for groceries yet so…” my voice trailed and Han looked at me at the word ‘groceries’.

“Chocolate?” he asked, toddling over to me. “Chocolate, Mama?”

Han, as a two-year-old, was often associating certain words with certain things like kids normally do. Yixing Appa would be equal to Internal Medicine. Groceries would equal Chocolate. Weekends would be Lotte World and vice versa.

“We go buy chocolate?” he asked and without missing a beat, he walked over to his shoes that were by the front door. “Mama, let’s go!”

Kun glanced at him, Han falling onto his and reaching for his shoes. I didn’t have the heart to say no, Kun smiling.

“I’ll bring you there,” he told me, reaching for Yixing’s house keys. I was about to protest, Kun telling me that he didn’t want me to bring Han in a taxi. Of course, he didn’t. Kun’s distaste for public transportation was still evident in how he always asked Yixing if I was bringing Han to the hospital with a taxi or through the bus.

I agreed and even if I knew I might regret it, it was the best way for Han. I found myself in the front seat with Han in the back. I noticed that Kun had a child’s seat, one that was different from Yixing, with the tag on. He must have bought it recently.

The car exited the apartment pa