Confession

Everything has gone horribly wrong. Thankfully, Luhan’s not one to sugarcoat and has Baekhyun facing some things he’d rather not address.

Or, alternatively:

Jongdae and Yixing this entire chapter to Baekhyun: Am I a joke to you?

Or:

Part 12748934 of when Luhan is holding Baekhyun together, like he’s done for over 5 years. Best first mate (who did not get enough appreciation in Cutlass or XMTS).

Set: Chapter 32-34 of Cutlass, when Hei, Jongdae and Yixing have been captured by Jaekyung.

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It was one of those moments where Baekhyun knew he had to do something, but all he felt was an overwhelming, heavy feeling of numbness. It was also in moments like these that he understood what Luhan meant when he said things felt like they were underwater. There was the awful realization that something was terribly wrong, except once the panic and fear and anger passed, all he could feel was cold, muted and blurred.

It had been a couple of hours since they picked up Jongin and gotten back to the ship, and Luhan had decided to leave him to his own devices. Baekhyun had enough sense not to touch alcohol because a logical part of him knew that he really ought to be coming up with a solution rather than drinking it away, but he just couldn’t think. Not yet. Not then.

By the time it was nearing night, Baekhyun finally snapped himself out of his stupor. Luhan could track Hei through the charm, if Jaekyung hadn’t found that out yet. They could plan something. Yet that something just wasn’t clicking—the harder he tried to think of possible solutions, the emptier the blanks he seemed to pull.

For a moment, he was in Vasileia all over again, trapped behind thick bars and the fact that everything had crumbled so fast not yet catching up. He knew he had to get Heejin out before his father got to her, but the how slipped away with seconds and minutes and hours, and he didn’t. Couldn’t. He'd failed, and the only thing that registered was that the feeling of failure also brought a horrific emptiness with it. It was as if his entire body and mind had shut down at that realization.  

Luhan was in the mess hall when Baekhyun headed in. His friend looked just about as bad as Baekhyun felt.

He really didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to think about it. But Baekhyun forced himself to sit down with a glass of water nonetheless. “We have to get to Jaekyung unnoticed,” he said. His voice sounded strange to his ears, but he couldn’t figure out if that was what he always sounded like.

Luhan looked up at him. “Jongin and I have been working on that this afternoon. Hei still has the bracelet on her. We know their general area. Jongdae and Yixing are probably in the same area as well.”

Song Hei. Without her, they would never make it into Hell’s Gate, and it would all be for naught. He would’ve gone through all of that for nothing. Eight years. Pointless.

“We need to get her back,” was all he managed, stirring the water in his cup absentmindedly.

Luhan’s mouth thinned into a line. “Why?”

Baekhyun looked up. “What do you mean, why?”

“Because we can’t go through Hell’s Gate without her?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

Something flared. “Yes, Luhan. Why are you pushing this?”

Luhan snapped before Baekhyun did. “Don’t be ing stupid.”

“I’m not,” he bit back.

“You’re going to tell me to my face that all you care about is that we can’t get into Hell’s Gate if we don't get Hei back from Jaekyung?”

“That’s why I brought her into the crew in the first—”

“Stop saying things you’re going to regret.” Baekhyun wasn’t sure the last time he’d seen Luhan so visibly angry. “I know you don’t mean it, so stop. Please.”

By some miracle, he did stop, head ringing. He stared at his glass of water, which was now surprisingly still. Luhan let out a loud exhale. “You want to know what you did the night you got drunk?”

Not expecting that to come up, he raised his head again. “What?”

“When you first found out about Yixing. You were drinking, and I didn’t have the energy to deal with you. So I asked Hei to.”

Song Hei. Without her… everything ended up in shambles. She was the cornerstone of an already precarious plan.

“I had a feeling it wasn’t you,” Baekhyun managed. "But when I asked her, she didn't sound like she was lying." 

“Yeah, well, she dragged you back to your room, and then you kissed her.”

Baekhyun froze. “I—what?”

“You kissed her,” Luhan repeated, a hint of asperity entering his voice. “Without her permission, and then didn’t remember a thing afterwards. She looked like she didn’t get a wink of sleep, but you were too hungover to notice.”

“I didn’t…” His mouth felt incredibly dry. “I didn’t know.”

“She told me that she wouldn’t have minded if you had actually meant it,” Luhan continued. “But as far as either of us have figured, you could’ve mistaken her for Heejin in your state.”

Baekhyun flinched. “I didn’t. I know I wouldn’t have.”

“You don’t deserve her if you’re going to keep acting like this,” Luhan said plainly. “Hei’s done a lot for this crew, but if you’re going to keep on pretending you’re not hurting her by being ambiguous about how you’ve been treating her, then you’re being an . Don’t flirt with her and then act like she’s only here because you need her power to get through Hell’s Gate. That’s not fair to her.” His tone softened. “You’re not being fair to yourself either, Baekhyun.”

Song Hei. He wasn’t sure if he could live with himself if something happened to her, but the possibility of that was too great. It was easier to focus on how out of tune everything felt, trapped in the in-between where nothing clicked quite properly.

“Baekhyun,” Luhan repeated. “This—getting revenge on your father—isn’t everything, you know. You have to let yourself admit that. You don’t have to act like everything apart from that isn’t important. I know it’s easier if you pretend that the worst thing that could come out of this is that we lose our ticket into Hell’s Gate, but we both know that’s not the reason you’re this upset. That’s not why you’re clearly more worried for Hei than for Yixing and Jongdae.”

He was right. He could find out another way to enter Hell’s Gate, difficult as it would be. With hard work and enough determination, that could be replaced. Song Hei… couldn’t.

Then it all seemed to crash down. Fear—terror, constricting, awful terror that made him feel so out of control—anger, helplessness, so much that Baekhyun couldn’t breathe. Blinking, he pressed the base of his palms into his temple. “Jaekyung has everything against us. Yixing was enough, but now with Hei and Jongdae, do I really have a choice? Jongdae can’t lie about anything even if he wanted to. And Hei—” His throat closed. “God, Luhan, Jaekyung ran a brothel for years. When Minseok and I took his network down, most of the girls there were also young and pretty and couldn’t fight back against him. The stories we heard from some of them about Jaekyung were horrifying. I don’t want to think what he would…”

Luhan didn’t say anything for a moment. Baekhyun pressed his palms harshly