In my early adolescence, I always think about the things I want to do-- for the day. Not what I want for the future. Just for the day. I know, it sounds random and selfish but, my motto in life is that 'Life is only one shot.' That phrase I used to share with my ex-girlfriend, Yubin. I learned and memorized to live with that mindset, I just didn't know someone would make me doubt about my consistency. Lesson 2: Be aware when you are hurting others.

 

Arin 

 

Day 52 since the call.

 

"Stop using your phone when eating." Hyojung takes Arin's phone once again. For a minute, she wants to take it back but then she realized nothing will change. Jiho will not reply to her.

 

"You won't ask to give it back?" Hyojung asks, confused. Arin smiled a bit and grabs her spoon lazily.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Wow. That's new."

 

"Did you and Jiho broke up?" Yooa asks. Arin shook her head immediately, a part of her is thankful that Yooa is now talking to her. She was scared the girl was really mad at her.

 

"We weren't girlfriends. It's just.. I haven't heard a word from her for 2 days now."

 

"Oh.."

 

"I told you she's not worth it." Yubin, again. Arin nods, Jiho's not worth it. Why do I keep on accepting her again and again.

 

"Say, we go to party club later? You know, have fun?" Hyojung seems so excited. Arin can't relate. She wants to but she can't. She doesn't want to be that kind of friend but Jiho is seriously giving her a heavy heart at times like this.

 

"Wow. Is that what dating Hyun Seunghee did to you?" It might be surprising but yes, the once enemies- Hyojung and Seunghee are now dating. Arin only heard a few stories from Hyojung because she doesn't really stay a lot in the office these days, especially when Jiho is around. She just knows they started talking after the acquaintance party.

 

"Hey! For real, we should take Arin out, she's been lie-low these days. Right? I miss you." Yubin held Arin's hand on the table. Arin chuckles and nods again. Yubin is always so sweet. I guess it's not so bad to have fun without Jiho. 

 

 

Maybe.. maybe Jiho has changed. That's what Arin tells herself everyday but Jiho.. Jiho just keeps on failing her. She can't even tell when Jiho will disappear and reappear.

 

After Arin's last class, she stepped out of the classroom and saw her friends waiting for her-- with Seunghee and Mimi, she kind of hoped Jiho was there too but of course, you can't get Yubin and Jiho in one room.

 

Turns out, Hyojung invited Seunghee and Mimi to join their mini party. The president said they'll come to eat at a restaurant nearby tonight- which Arin's not really looking forward to. She just wants to go home and sleep but Yubin insisted she comes.  

 

It's just that, Yubin is with Yooa and Hyojung is with Seunghee.

"Come on." Mimi and Arin are walking side by side, their other friends are walking ahead of them.

 

"How long has it been since Yooa and Yubin started dating?"

 

"Huh?" There, Arin only noticed now how the two is almost inseperable. Arin and Yubin used to be like that.. I must've been too busy with Jiho.

 

"I don't know if they're dating.." Arin answers with doubts. I really don't know. I was supposed to be Yubin's bestfriend. Arin knows she still is, Yubin hasn't said a word about dating Yooa so she thinks maybe Mimi had just mistaken. 

 

Arin glances at Mimi. "Um.. People told me the rumors about Jiho before." She just said that randomly, hopefully Mimi could give her a hint about Jiho or something but the girl just chuckled.

 

Mimi looks back at her while scratching her nape. "The rumors.. She could've changed. The only time Jiho last longer than a month was her first girlfriend. She never told us who she was but huh, a legend."

 

Yubin. Arin's eyes drifted to the said girl in front of her laughing along with Seunghee, Yooa and Hyojung. Arin only started thinking how unpleasant her situation is, liking her bestfriend's ex, in which her bestfriend is the first girlfriend who-- according to Mimi, was a legend. She wonders why they broke up though she actually has a clue why.

 

"Now maybe you're the new legend. 3rd month." Mimi grins and pats Arin's shoulder. It's funny to think that 3 months ago, she used to think that Mimi and Seunghee are hopeless but look at them now, hanging out with the officers like they've been bestfriends forever. 

 

"Things are going well, right.. Arin?" Mimi must have noticed Arin's down shoulders. Arin forced a smile but shook her head. "She's still.. you know, mysterious.. random."

 

"Like now, she's not even texting me for two days." Arin pouts a little, she checks her phone and ofcourse, clean notifications, no signs of any text from Jiho.

 

"Oh? That's bad.."

 

Arin chuckles, even Jiho's friends can't really help her. "I hate your friend's commitment issues." Mimi laughed at Arin's reply.

 

Still, Arin trusts that Jiho likes her enough, like Mimi said.

 

Day 54 since the call.

 

"Jiho's still outside." Yooa reminds her but she ignored her. She feels bad though, like the usual reason.. she's still intimidated by Yooa but, she shouldn't budge on this Jiho thing. Not again.

 

Yubin gave her a look.

 

"Sorry.. I'll tell her to go away." Arin stood up from her seat and excused herself. 

 

"You've been telling her that since morning." There was a hint of annoyance in Yubin's voice. Arin knew how Yubin and Jiho never get along, she understands. It's just, Jiho is too stubborn and Arin is trying to work. 

 

Arin continues to walk to the door of the office and as expected, Jiho is still standing by the door, leaning on the wall there. Her eyes were fixed on her phone until she heard Arin coughing. 

 

"I told you, I'm working." Arin didn't look at the girl as she said those, she knows how much Jiho's smile can affect her.

 

"I told you, I'll wait for you. Don't mind me." Jiho went back to leaning on the wall as a sign that she wouldn't budge. Arin bit her lip. 

 

"Jiho," She called the girl and this time, she's looking at her. 

 

Jiho wouldn't give her a glance now. "What?" 

 

"You were gone again for 4 days and I received no explanation from you." Arin might have sounded like how she talked inside the office but she can't help it. She gets pissed thinking about Jiho's attitude and all the rumors she heard about her.

 

"I was sick." There it is, again.

 

"Again? You should go to the hospital then, not here."

 

Jiho finally noticed that Arin is pissed by the tone of her voice and now faced her.

 

"I'm sorry." Jiho looked at the ground and Arin knew she's sincere.

 

Arin brushed her hair off her face and sighed. "Just leave. I don't want to see you here."

 

Jiho denied it. "You want me here." I hate it when she's this confident.

 

And when Jiho's telling facts.

 

Arin tries to ignore Jiho's eyes again. She can't deal with Jiho right now. "Shut up. I'm going to work. We have papers due tomorrow."

 

"Okay, I'm just here." Jiho points at the ground, on her position. Arin looked down and saw Jiho's backpack leaning on her calves. 

 

"Don't you have morning classes?" She has none, Arin. 

 

"You know my schedule." Backfire.

 

Arin looks back inside the office and her friends are busy with their laptops. She slowly closes the door behind her. "Go home, Jiho." 

 

"I won't." Jiho picks up her backpack and carried it on her right arm. Arin saw the grin on Jiho's face after some students passed by.

 

Arin looked at the students and when they're gone, she hits Jiho's shoulder. "Stop smiling!"

 

Jiho grabs her wrist gently and chuckles. Arin swears she felt sparks at the contact. It's so obvious how much she missed Jiho but.. work. "What? You're getting weak?" 

 

"Buy us some food for dinner."

 

Jiho did just like what Arin told her.

 

-

 

"I'm taking her home tonight, Jiho." Arin heard Yubin as the door is slightly opened. "We're doing this report overnight so please, just go home and let Arin concentrate."

 

Arin closed her eyes for a second and heaved a deep sigh. Yubin's right. She should concentrate. Jiho isn't even her girlfriend in the first place for her to think too much about this.

 

Yubin closed the door, holding the food Jiho bought for them. Arin feels guilty and bad for Jiho. At least she wants to thank her for buying them food.

 

"Arin, I could've just bought the food for us. You didn't need to ask Jiho."

 

Arin just smiled a bit at Yubin. The three started preparing the table for them to eat. Arin took this chance to check her messages.. and text Jiho.

 

Arin, 8:44 p.m. : Thank you. Careful on your way home <3

 

Jiho, 8:46 p.m. : i'm miserable walking home alone :( 

 

Arin, 8:46 p.m. : Don't make a sad face! We'll talk tomorrow.

 

Jiho, 8:47 p.m. : dunno, i miss you.

 

Arin, 8:48 p.m. : If you do, then why were you gone?

 

Jiho didn't reply. As expected. Arin knew it's either 'i'm sick' or she wouldn't reply. 

 

Anyway, back to work.

 

 

"Get in." Yubin chuckles when she saw Arin's tired face. Yubin opened the car door for Arin and once she got in, Yubin went to the driver's seat.

 

"Water?" There was a bottled water on Yubin's backseat. Arin nodded and took it herself.

 

"Ugh. I'm so exhausted." Arin exhaled after drinking. Yubin smiles as she starts driving. Yubin's house is further from the university. That's why she always brings her car.

 

The whole ride back home is too quiet. Arin wonders if it's because they're both tired, or that she just got used to being with Jiho who always has something to talk about.

 

This setup Jiho has made for the both of them is cruel for Arin. She doesn't even know why she's letting Jiho do this to her. Make her feel good for a few days then leave her lonely for a week.. then goes back to her like nothing happened.

 

Sometimes, she tries to ignore it because Jiho comes back to her at least. But when she thinks about what's really happening, she gets mad. 

 

Now, Arin's still pissed. She can't tell if she's reaching her limit soon. I just hope I'm right about trusting Jiho.

 

Arin glanced outside the window. Did Jiho really go home? What if she's still out there?

 

She hopes not. Already tired from work, she can't handle seeing Jiho right now.

 

Or then she thought.

 

When they reached  Arin's house, Yubin told her to get in right away.

 

"You should get some sleep. I'll fetch you tomorrow?" Arin looks back at Yubin and gave her a hug. 

 

"You don't have to. I'll just walk." She smiles at her, Yubin looked disappointed but Arin tried to ignore it as well. 

 

"See you tomorrow!" Arin waves at Yubin at the car. After watching the car turn to the right, Arin felt her phone buzzed in her pocket. 

 

Jiho, 11:53 p.m. : not so fun without me huh?

 

Arin, 11:53 p.m. : why dont you just go to sleep?

 

Jiho, 11:54 p.m. : i can't when i'm next to you.

 

"Huh?" Arin got confused at Jiho's reply. It was until Jiho jumped behind her, Arin instinctively hits Jiho as much as she was startled. 

 

"WHAT! IS! WRONG! WITH! YOU!"

 

"HAHAHAHAHA I-IT'S ME, JIHO!" Jiho laughed so hard at every hit Arin had given her. Ugh she's so annoying! Arin heaved a deep deep sigh and glared at Jiho who still won't stop laughing. 

 

"Calm down! I waited for you plus, your parents must be sleeping now. You're too loud." Jiho shakes her head, giggling as she returns her phone in her backpack. 

 

"Give me that." Arin lost her hold on her phone when Jiho took hers as well and put it in the bag. 

 

"What are you doing? Give me that!" But it's late because Jiho already wore the bag on her back and already pulling Arin by her wrist now to the next street. 

 

"Jiho- I should go home now." Arin tells her calmly but the girl doesn't listen. 

 

"I wanna show you something." 

 

Arin followed Jiho- because she actually wants to be with her, their hands interlocked as they walk on the dimmed street. Arin knew where they are going, Jiho's house. 

 

"Won't your parents find it weird if they see me here tomorrow morning?" Arin whispers when they entered Jiho's living room. Jiho chuckles loudly, Arin got worried about the noise she's making.

 

"No, unless you're ." Jiho's reply got Arin blushing and grip tightening on their hands. 

 

Jiho smiles as she leads her upstairs. They went to her room. Arin already saw the walls painted blue on the background everytime Jiho calls her. It's nice to see this out of the camera. 

 

Jiho placed the keys of the house on the bowl at the top of her drawer next to the bed while Arin just wandered around her room. 

 

"You like my room?" Jiho asks. Arin smiled and nodded. Jiho is a minimalist. She sat down on Jiho's bed comfortably. 

 

"Is this what you want to show me?" Arin asks, she suddenly felt she'd be yawning and she actually did. Must be because of the bed,

 

Also, Arin was really tired before Jiho pulled her here. 

 

Jiho chuckles when Arin yawned. "I'm sorry, you should be resting now." 

 

"Yeah, then you decided to get crazy and interrupt my resting plans." Arin says honestly. She scoffs at Jiho and lie down on the girl's bed. Jiho placed her backpack on the floor then went to her closet. 

 

"Hey- hey! W-why are you changing?" Arin lay down on her stomach to avoid looking at Jiho. She heard Jiho laughing behind her.

 

"Uh.. because it's my room and I just got home?"

 

"Kim Jiho, I'm your visitor." Arin says firmly, she takes her phone from Jiho's backpack to keep herself busy while Jiho continues to change her clothes. How is she always too comfortable with me around?

 

Arin heard Jiho's 'tsk' and she knew the girl came up with another teasing. "Then look away, if you really don't want to look."

 

"I'm done." Jiho informs her and finally, Arin can shift from her awkward position. She sat up on the bed and stretched her arms. She watched as Jiho moved around the room.

 

Jiho's room has a window on the right side of the bed. Arin heard jingling keys as Jiho faced the window. When the tall girl looked at her, she was smiling wide but what amazed Arin was how the window flew open. 

 

"What..?"

 

"Let's watch the stars."  

 

Arin figured they could actually slip out from there when Jiho lead her through it. They sat down carefully on the roof of what must be the house's garage. Jiho's house is located on the higher ground of the neighborhood that they can see the city lights from afar. 

 

"I love the nightview." Jiho whispers, she was hugging her knee, her eyes looking at the distance. Arin followed her gaze. "Makes me feel calm sometimes." 
 

Arin smiles and leaned her head comfortably on Jiho's shoulder. "Tell me more."

 

Jiho hums, "Hm?" 

 

Jiho wrapped her arm around Arin's shoulder and they slowly lay their back on the roof which gave them easier and better sight of the stars up above. Really beautiful. 

 

Arin leans her head on Jiho's arm as they stare up high. Jiho spoke again.

 

"Sometimes, I think about how it feels to be up there." 

 

Arin is slowly feeling drowsy. Jiho's warmth doesn't help at all but she enjoys listening to her. 

 

"It seems fun, like I'm free to scream and shout every rant I have about life." Jiho chuckles softly. "Although I don't really like screaming, unlike you."

 

"I don't like screaming. It.. just you know, when I get shock of something." Arin defends herself and pinches Jiho's arm lightly which she earns a laugh from the girl again.

 

"I just love the feeling of being free. I can't explain it.. but I love how it feels." 

 

Arin looks at Jiho's face-- so close to hers-- Jiho is smiling like she's at a very peaceful place. The nightsky must really have this healing effect on her. Arin couldn't stop staring. 

 

"I miss being with you, always." Jiho confesses and Arin started blushing again. Soon after, Jiho faces her as well. The cold and hard surface of the roof didn't matter at that moment. Arin just wants to admire this small sweet moment and every bit of it that she's with Jiho. 

 

I don't know how long we'll keep being like this. It's starting to feel like a real pain when Arin doubts Jiho, and these.. these stuff are the only ones that keeps her going. If Jiho didn't come back to her, she wouldn't accept her. How long are we going to be like this?

 

"I want to kiss you." Jiho whispers. Arin closes her eyes for a bit and reminds herself that she's ready. This is a huge step with Jiho we're talking about. 

 

Their noses have met soon, Jiho already tilted her head a little as she leaned closer and closer that the small gap between them is starting to not make sense anymore. Arin felt Jiho's hand on her waist, she was being pushed on her back until Jiho is slightly on top of her. 

 

Arin felt Jiho's lips hovering above her own. It was such a soft, sweet contact and she could feel how careful Jiho is in every movement their lips make. Then suddenly there's a surge on Jiho's kisses pushing butterflies to react rapidly on her stomach. One time, she'll attack Arin's bottom lip. The other time, she would kiss her deep and Arin would feel her tongue parting her lips slowly and in bits. 

 

It was like Jiho was teaching her how to kiss because after some time, the girl pulled away and Arin knew it's time for her to breathe. 

 

It is official. Arin is in love.

 

Jiho paused soon, Arin received that meaningful stare from the girl's pretty eyes. Her eyes are better than those stars behind her.

 

"We should sleep.." Jiho reminds her that she has work to do on the following morning. Arin pouts a bit which made their lips touch slightly once again. They both smiled and giggled at each other.

 

"Come on." Jiho pecks her lips one more time before slowly getting up from their position.

 

There's definitely something else the two brought with them when they went back inside Jiho's room-- Love.

 

The next morning,

 

Arin, 9:58 a.m. : KIM JIHO I HATE YOU

Arin, 9:59 a.m. : HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE IN YOUR ROOM

Arin, 10:00 a.m. : YOUR MOM SAW ME! ><

 

Jiho, 10:15 a.m. : yewonn, i'm sorry. yoi

 

Arin furrowed her eyebrows after reading Jiho's reply 15 minutes ago. YOI? Is this a typo?

 

But the text was 15 minutes ago though.. Arin gently massages her temple before replying.

 

Arin, 10:30 a.m. : You're lucky your parents are nice. I'll kill you later.

 

Jiho's parents were really nice. When she woke up, it's almost 10 AM. Jiho's mom entered the room with a vacuum cleaner. The noise was really loud and Arin didn't realize she was still in Jiho's room until she saw Jiho's mom smiling at her.

 

Her mom invited Arin to eat downstairs and lent Jiho's clothes to her, highschool clothes to be exact. Jiho's built is unexpectedly bigger than Arin's.

 

Arin wondered if it's already a normal routine for Jiho's parents to see a girl in her bed on mornings. Stop doubting Jiho.

 

After the kiss last night, there was only one thing she wants to do. Talk to Jiho about this thing between them. Arin doesn't want to be just one of her flings. With how Jiho behaved in the past weeks, Arin is hoping Jiho really changed. She wants to be her girlfriend now.

 

Arin saw her parents' texts and missed calls this morning. She knows they're worried about her. She texts them that she stayed at a friend's house last night because she lost her keys. After bidding goodbye to Jiho's parents who accompanied her this morning, Arin heads to her way to university. 

 

Before she crosses another block, she looked back at Jiho's room she could see from the distance. Her eyes found their way to that roof of the Kim's garage. God that roof.

 

Touching her own lips as she recalls how soft Jiho's lips were and how gentle their moment had become, Arin's thoughts escalated to her.. and Jiho.. together for a very long time until they grow up, graduate together, have good jobs, buy a house of their own... and get married.

 

I must be crazy.

 

Arin can't stop smiling, everytime she closes her eyes, she sees Jiho's face from last night and feels how the girl kissed her.

 

-

 

"Arin, when Yubin comes back from her class, can you two buy these amount of goods for the upcoming event?" Arin stood up from her desk and went to see what Hyojung is up to. Hyojung was listing on a piece of paper and she waited. Just like the usual, the work is divided into Hyojung-Yooa and Yubin-Arin.

 

Fine by Arin, she takes the list and went back to her seat. These days, she'd been very busy with class requirements, work, and Jiho. Sometimes, Hyojung works alone when Yubin and Yooa are paired up and Arin is absent.

 

That only happens when Arin has something to do. The "something" always meant it's with Jiho. Arin's not sure if Jiho is doing this on purpose but after all, it's her decision to come and follow Jiho when the girl asks her out.

 

Arin feels bad, most of the time. She can sense Yubin being annoyed when Jiho is around. She can sense Yooa's frustration when Yubin is annoyed. She can sense Hyojung's exhaustion when the team can't work.

 

Arin really felt bad, there's no excuse for her to tell since Jiho.. is not even her girlfriend. So she decided, she will clear this out. The kiss should be enough reason for her and Jiho to finally talk about whatever relationship path are they heading.

 

"I'm scared." Arin whispers to herself as she enters the supermarket with Yooa. Yubin didn't come to the office. So Yooa was Hyojung's next resort. 

 

Arin just can't stop thinking about Jiho.

 

"Hey. You okay?" Yooa clung on her arm as they walk together.

 

Arin nods slowly. I could open up to Yooa. But she can't. These days, she feels like there's a wall between her and Yooa. Arin knew half of the reason why; ever since Jiho happened, Arin has become distant with her friends. She just knew how much they disprove that Jiho is good enough for her. The other reason.. Arin's not yet sure about it. Only Yooa can answer.

 

"It's because of Jiho again. Am I right?"

 

But I guess it won't hurt to try and open up to someone. Arin hums as she nods again. She feels embarrassed now that Yooa is asking her about Jiho when she was just thinking about opening up.

 

"Are you two.. official now or?" Yooa pulled away from clinging on Arin's arm to take a cart. 

 

Arin shook her head. "No.. But I'm planning to ask her."

 

"Good. I think you really should. Yubin can't stop worrying about you all the time."

 

"Let's split up so we can go back to uni early? I still have to finish a narrative." Arin smiles at Yooa and gets her own cart. She just confirmed something,

 

Yooa likes Yubin.

 

Arin is scanning the expiration date of a set of canned goods on a section when she noticed someone has been staring at her from the corner. She turns quick to see who was that person holding a pack of ramen covering their face,

 

"Jiho?"

 

It was Jiho. The girl with a shy grin after getting caught following Arin placed the ramen back on where it belongs. Arin chuckles. This weirdo. She actually didn't expect to see her this soon. For all she thought, maybe Jiho would be gone for days again after what happened last night but look at this.

 

"Hey.. You saw me. ahaha.." It was casual of Jiho to take the cart from Arin so she would pushing it, helping her. How can I not like her?

 

"I don't know if I should talk to you. You left me alone at your house this morning like I'm some kind of one night stand."

 

Arin heard Jiho chuckling behind her as she continued walking. "But I told my mom you'll have some breakfast!"

 

"Yeah about that." Here goes.

 

Arin turned to face Jiho for a moment, the girl is leaning her head on the edge of one counter while looking at Arin. Why is she suddenly acting cute? Here I am being nervous.

 

"Don't you get tired?" Arin hopes this will go well. Jiho confusedly raises her eyebrows as she asks,

 

"Of what?"

 

"Of always trying.." Arin looked down. She feels terribly nervous about this. "To make up for your absence." She added. Jiho just shook her head and answered.

 

"No."

 

"Why do you even go missing for days?" 

 

Silence. Of course, Jiho wouldn't answer, again. Arin smiled a bit before going back to her business earlier. Still, she continued talking to her.

 

"Jiho"

 

"Yes?" Jiho walked faster so they could walk together.

 

"Thank you for always.. giving me what I want." She takes the cart from Jiho. The girl stopped her. Arin stared at Jiho's eyes, stopping from her tracks. "I mean.. when you're with me."

 

"Oh that-" Jiho has that smile on her face once again, but Arin cut her off.

 

"But now, I want you to tell me what you want."

 

"I don't want anything."

 

"What you want to happen between us."

 

"I don't know what to say.."

 

Arin smiled a little before she says, "Well.. In that case, think about it."

 

There's no turning back. Arin is not the type of person to play jokes, she never got in a relationship because she always had plans but ever since she met Jiho, it's like her everyday is in chaos. She doesn't like being unsure of what's currently happening to her. Jiho, Jiho is such a mystery and Arin can't solve her if Jiho is also unsure of her own feelings.

 

As it turns out, Jiho is not ready. 

 

Arin just stood there in the middle of the supermaket, her hands gripping on the handle of the cart as Jiho walked away from her without a word. I just hoped she was ready to be with me. There's nothing wrong with being hopeful, it's just that one should know if something is worth hoping for. 

 

"Arin? Are you done?" Yooa came just in time and Arin looked away from the direction Jiho went to. She sighed and nodded at her friend. Jiho, please come back to me soon.