[somewhere in 2022]

    “Is there a reason you’re looking at me like that?”

    His voice startles me. I’ve been awake for two hours now. I hadn’t realized that I’ve been in my own brain for almost that long. I was going to get some school work done with my econ textbook propped on my lap and everything.

    To say the least, the textbook was upside down the entire time.

    Baekhyun looks at me in such a filthy way that I’m surprised I don’t feel anything less than distaste. But I don’t. I’ve never seen him so forward with lust. I can see that I’ve somehow restored his confidence meter by the looks of it.

    I lean forward on my armchair, letting him see down his t-shirt that I’ve donned quickly. Baekhyun’s adam’s apple dips, and he doesn’t shy away from appreciating my assets. It spurs me on unexpectedly. His confidence is contagious as is.

    “I’m thinking,” I answer his question.

    Baekhyun’s eyebrows lift a tad. “Don’t think.”

    “What?”

    “Don’t make this complicated,” he tells me, inching closer to the end of my bed.

    “As in no labels?”

    His eyes seem to drop a couple of shades down the color spectrum. “You make things complicated, kid. Don’t do that right now. We’ll put a pin on it.”

    I smile at his words.

    “Do you trust me?” He asks, anchoring his eyes on mine.

    I nod. “As in you won’t leave me in a ditch and forget my name tomorrow?”

    Baekhyun smiles crookedly, sort of wickedly, but there’s some degree of earnestness in there. “You’ll never just be a fling to me.” And when he says my name and not kid, something ignites in my chest like TNT that’s been offset for too long.

    Tingling and pleasure aches come back, evident from last night that maybe this lust has been dormant for years now. I’m not sure I can make good decisions anymore. He makes my life plans suddenly seem so small, being planted right in the middle of the path I’m straying from.

    I lean further back in my seat, opening my legs slightly. Oh does he look. And he relishes. He’s down on his knees in microseconds, earning a surprised laugh from me. He pries my legs apart, hitching one on his shoulders.

    “Let me make you feel good, baby,” he whispers, kissing my inner thigh and peering up at me from under his lashes.

    Clara was off visiting her family in Rome for the week with Jaemin, and she already told me prior that she wouldn’t be back until next Monday.

    So, my plans of getting my studies done this weekend are out the window because we spend Tuesday cooped up in my apartment. Yes, I skipped class.

    So far, he ed me so good in the shower that the menial space didn’t bother me like it used to. Then, I ended up returning the favor on my knees with my -star lips as he likes to dub them, distracting him from making breakfast. We sixty-nined on the dining table, had on my bedroom door, my couch—yeah, you get the point.

    “You’re the first woman I can’t keep up with,” he murmurs, now collapsed on the couch behind me. We were watching reruns of old British movies. “I’m pretty sure you’ve emptied me out completely. It amazes me. How much energy you still have.“

    I snort. “It’s all for show. I’ll be sore the entire day tomorrow.” To say the very least, is now my favorite sport.

    He drops kisses on my shoulder. “You okay?”

    “What do you mean?”

    “I mean—are you okay?”

    “Like did I ? Because I’m pretty sure I beat the world record in a single day.”

    He laughs, the sounds reverberating deep inside of his chest. “No, babe, I appreciate you feeding my ego, but I want to know if we’re on the same page.”

    Oh, yeah. Real-life . I inhale. “The pin is stuck.”

    Baekhyun considers this quietly, and then he hums, “okay. Let me know when you wanna pull the pin out.”

    I turn around, snuggling into his chest. “Thank you.” God, he was so bad for me like a craving or an ache you just can’t get rid of. I ignore the tiny voice inside of me that tells maybe it isn’t a bad thing to not get rid of him. Or this.

    He’s magnetic, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t pulled right into his path the day I met him.

    But there’s another part of me that fears. The concerns of truly letting go. The life of commitment. Was I being selfish for fearing those things? Everyone settled down eventually. Did I want to settle down? Baekhyun wasn’t old, but he definitely wasn’t young as I am.

    I shake it off. We’ll revisit this when we decide to pull the pin out. Right now, I just want to enjoy his company or what I have left of him.

    “Hey, beautiful.”

    I laugh, feeling nostalgic for us. “Hey, handsome.”

    “Where would you rather be right now?”

    I don’t look away for even a second when I say, “here. With you.”

    “Okay,” he answers breathlessly. Then, he kisses the bejeezus out of me.

 

It feels like I’ve unleashed something in Baekhyun. He was already a pretty touchy person. You know, physical touch being his love language and all. But, it’s like a switch went off in his head and his affectionate side is turned to a ten. I’ve reasoned with myself like maybe he’s overcompensating. Maybe he’s as afraid as I am about where we are.

    So, I don’t bring it up. Because as much as it terrifies me, I enjoy his company. It’s not like I didn’t in the past. I’ve just gotten to appreciate his more generous, loving side.

    If he’s not holding my hand, he’s brushing his knuckle on my thighs or squeezing them when we’re curled up on my couch. If he’s not touching me directly, he’s standing shoulder to shoulder with no indication of personal space as we walk through the streets of London.

    He kisses my cheek more often now as if it’s the norm between us. I’m not even sure if we can come back from this because he’s acting like my—

    “What cogs are spinning in that pretty head of yours?”

    I turn to him and realize we’re on the London bridge. I hadn’t even known that we’ve walked so far from the city.

    I choose honesty because I’m not sure lying to him is the right thing to do. I don’t even know what right and wrong are anymore. Frankly. “Just thinking about you.”

    Surprise flashes through his expression. “You were?”

    I tease, “yeah, shocker, huh?”

    He shoves me, and I snicker because some things never change. The familiarity of our dynamic soothes me, and I push back at him, interlacing our fingers. “I missed you.”

    “Did you think about me?” I ask.

    “Even more so after you decided to ghost me.”

    I wince, tripping over a mountain of guilt. “Sorry.”

    Baekhyun shakes his head. “Pull that again, and I won’t let you live it down, kid.”

    “You are so—“

    “Charming?” He offers.

    I titter, “I was going to say juvenile but that works.” I get another nudge. “You even flirt like one,” I add with a rugged grin.

    He rolls his eyes. “I flirt like a normal person, thank you very much.”

    “Good to know I’m just like the rest of your cheerleaders.”

    He pauses, a cheeky smile growing on his lips. “Oh-ho, someone’s green with envy.”

    “Sorry, who was it again that told me he couldn’t keep up with me?”

    “That’s not fair,” he grunts before going back to his annoying self—his blooming chaotic energy. “I’m just jet-lagged.”

    I huff out a laugh. “Right, of course, you are.”

    “You wanna go again?” He propositions with his brows raised and challenge stowing in his eyes.

    I signal to the bridge. “Here?”

    “Yeah, how about we give everyone a show of how vocal you are when I’m inside of you?”

    My cheeks burn bright red as I smack him away from me so hard. “You’re so ing loud for what?”

    “Hey, you’re the one.” He’s right. Though I should’ve known in hindsight that he was a master manipulator because as it turns out, we had a quickie right in the back alley of a bar later that night.

    “Shut up.”

    “Okay.”

    He actually listens because, for the next five minutes, he doesn’t say a single word.

    “Maybe don’t do that,” I chirp sardonically then proceeding to eye him with disdain.

    Baekhyun pulls me to the center of the bridge, and we stop to look at the scenery with the sun sinking down the waterfront. It’s haunting how beautiful it is. Like a picturesque scene, you’d see in a movie. It’s mind-boggling how tangible everything is. The scenery and Baekhyun’s presence. “I know I said I’ll wait, but we’re going to have to revisit the—“ He clears his throat, and I’m growing very aware of what he’s referring to.

    Us.

    “My flight is tomorrow morning,” he says gently like I’ll sprint away or something.

    I don’t feel like that at all, actually. I think I already made up my mind before he interrupted my flow of thoughts. “Want me to drop you off?”

    He shakes his head. “You’ve skipped enough classes, baby.”

    Baby.

    Is this what we are?

    Two indecisive, yet ambitious morons.

    I smile tightly. “Right, let’s make our last night count then. Hm?”

    Baekhyun notices. He always sees past me. “You don’t want a relationship with me.”

    “Please don’t say it like that.”

    “I’m not mad. I know you enough to know that we feel the same way.”

    “You do?”

    “I love you,” he confesses.

    I jerk, not so sure why I’m surprised. But it’s a good surprise. I appreciate his no-bull approach.

    I open my mouth to say something but he holds but a hand to stop me as he continues, “don’t reciprocate those words if you aren’t sure. I know you feel something, but you want to find yourself first. Before me, you have yourself, and I know you aren’t done exploring. So, I’m telling you right here and right now. Don’t let me hold you back.”

    I’m stunned into silence for a long beat. Because he’s honestly incredible. Really.

    It’s brutal. He’s brutal. Not just because of how emotionally intelligent he is, but because he compels me to believe him. And I do. I do know that he loves me. I can feel it, see it, taste it—hell, it’s everywhere and really ing contagious.

    “Okay,” I answer, squeezing his hand. “Give me a year. I promise I’ll have an answer by then.”

 

[4]

 

    It has to be a crime how early I woke up this morning. Hyoyeon stopped by with newly colored hair, now a darkish green, tied in a neat bundle as she hopped on my bed.

    “Wake up,” she whispers loudly into my ear.

    I try to swat her, but she holds my arms. “What time is it?”

    “Four,” she answers with a smile.

    I take one indignant look at her before shoving her off my bed and pulling the covers over again. I don’t wake up when it’s still dark outside. Definitely not since college began.

    I’m pissed I didn’t fight more about sleeping because I’m pretty sure I’m half asleep when she drives us to a yoga studio.

    “I signed up yesterday! Jae said my looked good in leggings and you know how active I was in high school? Not so much now. But—“

    I blink sleepily. “You’re dragging me to yoga at five in the morning because my ing brother said your looked good?”

    Hyoyeon titters, “yes, but you need to be more relaxed. You’ve been coiled a little tight lately.”

    “Yeah, you woke me up in the middle of my sleep.”

    “I’m talking this past week—“

    “Because Aunt Flo crashed my week.”

    “Um. Okay, a little anticlimactic.”

    “Shh.”

    “Huh?”

    “I can’t listen to you right now. I’ll swing.”

    Ten minutes later, she parks right across from the yoga studio. I hadn’t done morning activities in a long time. Maybe the last time was Baekhyun keeping me up until three AM because we kept having . But that was when I was in London.

    I came back to DC in the summer, and it was now my favorite season once again. As fall flew by with its fallen leaves and cool nights, it’s now winter, which means I have to give an answer.

    But I have no clue. I went on a date with Mark Lee last week. He was pretty popular in our department. It was kind of a last-minute thing. One of my department heads told me to head there, and before I knew it, it was too late to leave once I realized I’d been set up.

    I didn’t tell Baekhyun. It wasn’t because I was scared or anything. I mean—he dated Faith, and before that, Sarah.

    I didn’t give him strict rules nor did I want to. This year was for both of us. Dating other people, doing new things—we were still going strong with our fourth year as best buddies.

    Sometimes, I have to ignore the blatant , but other than that? It’s great. I couldn’t ask for a better friend.

    Hyoyeon drags me in as I haul my yoga mat. Yeah, my mom also was an avid yoga fan hence me having my own mat, but she stopped trying to get me to go as of late.

    The session is mid-sized, around a normal classroom. So twenty people? We set ourselves up all the way in the back.

    As we listen to the instructor, Hyoyeon decides that it’s a good time to strike a conversation as we’re doing the up dog pose.

    “How’s it going with Mr. Not Boyfriend.”

    “Don’t call him that. He has a name.”

    “Baekhyun, there. Gosh, the last time he crashed our movie, I was third-wheeling so bad. Like I’m talking bad. I thought you guys were going to jump each other in front of me.”

    “You’re so dramatic.”

    “Um. You were on his lap.”

    “You’re the one to talk? I caught you having with my brother.”

    We get several shushes from other people and from the instructor herself. I close my mouth as Hyoyeon rolls her eyes.

    “Yeah, but Jae’s my boy—no, I don’t know. We said the labels and just went for it.”

    I stare at her. “He doesn’t want to date you?”

    “All me, baby. I’m just not so sure I want anything serious.”

    “Because of your parents?”

    “They’re shining examples. My dad’s on his way with a new baby from his third wife. As for my mom, serial dating as usual.”

    I wince. “Ouch.” My parents were in love. Like they met in high school but not in the corny got married out of high school way but in a coincidentally attended the same college and pined for each other for forever way.

    “I don’t know anymore. I’m all confused now. I think I might love Jaehyun after all.”

    I stretch as the instructor says and then peer at my friend with curiosity. “How do you know you love someone?”

    “A chemical imbalance,” she deadpans.

    “Don’t explain it as a chem major.”

    Hyoyeon snorts. “Depends. Love comes in different shapes and sizes. You could feel comfortable around them, get jitters, and all that cheesy . You’ll think about them when you sleep at night. Maybe they’re the first things on your mind when you wake up. Maybe you’ll get that tight squeeze inside of your chest and the next second, you’re flooded with warmth.”

    I blink at her. “Wow.”

    She shrugs as if it wasn’t impressive. “Love ing , but Jaehyun makes my disordered life less monotonous.”

    I smile. “You guys are growing up so fast.”

    “We’re like all the same age,” she says weirdly.

 

[5]

 

    Faith passes me by in the hallway of the humanities building, and she apologizes for last being weird this semester. She then tells me that she’d been bitter because it felt like she was used and discarded by Baekhyun. Not even in a buddy way because they only did it twice due to lack of chemistry. Boy, did I wish she left that out.

    “I got a feeling that his heart was somewhere else. When I brought up making the relationship more serious, he told me that he couldn’t do that. And somewhere during the conversation, you came up and I -talked you, and um—“ She coughs her face flushing pink. “He shut me down real-quick. He left immediately after telling me that we were done. If we started out on the wrong foot, well—I was embarrassed that he treated you more like a girlfriend than he ever did to me.”

    We bid goodbye to each other on a good note, and when Baekhyun later asked me why I was in such a good mood, I just gave him a big hug.

 

    [6]

 

    “What the hell, Jaehyun. You better be half dead right now or—”

    I stop to take a good look at Jaehyun who is perfectly fine, leaning against our kitchen island. He called me manically twenty minutes ago, saying that he cut his palm open. I immediately barreled home, skipping the last half of my statistics class.

    Yeah, well, that was all for naught because he was fine.

    “Hey there, buddy,” he teases.

    I huff, crossing my arms. If I wasn’t annoyed before, I definitely was going to cut him open myself now. “Don’t you buddy me. Couldn’t your antics wait until after class? Besides, what the hell are you doing here and not at school?”

    “I got here last night. Damn and here I thought you missed me.”

    “What do you want, Jaehyun?”

    He smiles mischievously, flashing his dimples. “Well, you know I’ve been working on a documentary for quite a while now. I finished it last night, and I wanted you to be the first person to see it.”

    My annoyance subsides, and I’m in awe. “What? Me?”

    Jaehyun wiggles his eyebrows. “Why is that so hard to grasp? Yes, you.”

    He points me over to his laptop.

    “What’s it about?”

    “A satire about older sisters and their prudish lives,” he answers without a beat.

    “Ha-ha, very funny. Seriously, Jaehyun.”

    He merely shrugs, refusing to give me anything concrete as he taps the spacebar on his laptop.

    The video begins, panning closer to him.

    “You might recognize me from my vlogs,” he begins. “My biggest dream is to create a film that impacts the world on a large scale. And also—the perks of fame is pretty sweet.”

    Cue the eye-rolling from me.

    “Realistically, before I can impact anybody, this is an experiment I came up with last night. On a much smaller scale, of course. What’s this experiment you’re talking about, Jae?” He smiles smugly in the video. “We’ve all heard about The Parent Trap. But I’m going to do something that will risk me getting castrated by my sister.”

    I have no idea where this is going.

    The camera pans out from his face and the opening title rolls. The Honey Trap.

    The opening title transitions out of the frame with a film strip effect along with the sound of reels rolling. The camera pans out to a still portrait of our house in the day to night. Then, the sound of a car door closing.

    “Hyung,” Jaehyun sings. The film zooms in on Baekhyun’s face.

    Baekhyun peers at the younger with a wary look on his face. “What’s this?”

    “Just a little early present for my sis,” Jaehyun easily lies.

    Baekhyun takes the bait, smiling in at the camera. His entire face brightens, and something in my heart crackles like a firecracker.

    “What’s ten things you like about her? You have sixty seconds,” My little brother challenges, and in the top corner, there’s a timer edited on the video going off.

    “Oh, um—ah—her smile; the little freckles she has on her cheeks that go unnoticed if you aren’t looking closely; she makes terrific coffee; her throaty laughs; her weird attachment to mangos; the way she’ll get excited about everything; even on her most terrible days, cheering her up is worth it because there’s a tiny span in time when she’ll get clingy; she’s crazy smart; gorgeous too—duh; her stupid sense of humor; sardonic comments that she’ll make but that’s only if she really likes you. Did I make it?”

    The timer beeps after Baekhyun blinks once or twice at the camera in silence.

    “You must really like her, hyung. That was eleven items.”

    “Well, she deserves the world,” he answers honestly. My heart pangs at the nonchalance in his voice because if he’s not even thinking about it, he really means it.

    Is this love? Do I love him too?

    The camera pans out, transitioning to the next scene. There’s loud music playing in the background. It’s the first New Year party I invited him to, which is exactly the time when he met my parents and Jaehyun.

    Jaehyun inserts a voiceover of himself, saying “I didn’t plan on this clip, but it fits here.” The video then focuses on Baekhyun and me. The camera is too far to pick up on our chatter, so it’s just the two of us talking amongst ourselves.

    Baekhyun has his undivided attention on me, and it looks like I’m making a dumb joke, but he laughs. He always laughs at my jokes. I always accuse him of doing it out of pity, but he begs to differ.

    The camera turns to the TV recording a countdown, then everyone shouts Happy New Year! Some people exchange kisses, and when the camera is back on us, Baekhyun drops a chaste kiss on my cheek.

    Something that was seemingly innocent at the time. Then, a compilation of us plays. Scenes that were caught when we weren’t paying attention.

    Baekhyun snuggling me on his lap during our frequent movie nights at my parent’s. The one instance of a casual hug turning into him snuffling me as his height towers over mine. Another one when he lifts me into the air, and I’m laughing loudly, smacking his back to put me down.

    There are some moments of prolonged eye contact. Like our eyes meeting across the room. Or secretive smiles when we exchange silent jokes.

    There’s a clip that Jaehyun took when he visited me in London. He’d gone through my things and found a box stashed in the back of my closet of the things that Baekhyun has gifted me. Jaehyun drops something else in the box.

    “Happy birthday, noona. This is from hyung. He says that he’s sorry for missing your birthday, and if you see this, he hopes you’ll put him out of exile.”

     The film continues with compilations of our lazy pool days—him pushing me into our family pool—then, I’m playing with Bee as the camera zooms in onto Baekhyun’s expression.

    Love. That’s exactly what it is.

    Then, everything pans out and ends on Jaehyun. “This is to the dumbest couple-not-couple on earth. I love you both. Just put all of us out of our misery and just already. Thank you, and please. No, seriously. Noona, I know I’m an to you, but I care about you and I care about hyung. If you don’t play this at your wedding, I’m disowning you. On that note, it’s been real.”

    I stare at the now black screen, still stunned by the entire thing. I hadn’t expected this at all. Jaehyun’s never hinted of doing a documentary of me. So all that time that he was gone, he was most likely editing footage and—

    I choke up, turning to my brother. Jaehyun yelps when I throw my arms around him. “Thanks, Jae. I love you.”

    He chuckles. “Love you, too, noona.

 

[february 14th, 2023]

 

    I ring his doorbell, and Baekhyun pokes his head out, staring at me for a long, long time. I break the silence with an awkward wave. “You get dressed yet?”

    He pulls the door back, showing his outfit. A gray-check suit jacket with a dark maroon turtleneck and matching pants. His hair is loosely swept up with several pieces of his bangs finely combed apart, framing the side of his face.

    In other words, if he wasn’t already gorgeous before, he’s definitely blowing any competition out of the waters now.

    But the truth is: there’s never been any competition. Baekhyun is Baekhyun.

    I hold out my hand. “I’m here to chauffeur you.”

    He takes them and follows me, but pauses when something snags his attention. I follow his eyes onto my dress.

    “Oh? Luckily, I dry-cleaned it the next morning. There’s no more punch.”

    He reaches out, brushing a finger over the fabric of my dress.

    It’s the exact ivory Reformation dress I wore the first night I met him at the Valentine’s Day dance.

    Then, he meets my eyes. “So—where to?”

    I drive him to our college campus, parking briefly as I rush him out. He laughs but doesn’t question my decision like usual. I’m starting to think I’m a bad influence on him.

    “What the?” His eyes widen when he takes in the scene of the Dahlgren Fountain, now decorated with an impromptu DJ booth and a punch table with snacks.

    There are big crowds, sitting along the sides of the fountain. There are a couple of people dancing closely.

    “Look who’s here,” Hyoyeon teases. Jaehyun is beside her with a giant, smug grin on his face.

    “You guys made it,” I say. “Happy birthday, little bro. Hope you like the present I left you at home.”

    Jaehyun narrows his eyes suspiciously at me, but I shrug, feigning absolute innocence.

    Baekhyun chimes in, “am I missing something here? Like an event or something?”

    “It’s Valentine’s Day,” I reply.

    “No, , Sherlock,” he comments, nudging me. “I meant the dance.”

    I excuse us from the others and tug him to the dancing area. My arms go around his neck, and as if on cue, he pulls me into him and we dance. “Surprise?” I drawl. “I’m ready to pull the pin.”

    “Are you now?”

    “Yeah, I kept you waiting for a year. Figured I would need something out there to woo you.”

    Baekhyun’s eyes shimmer with mirth. “So?”

    I lean in close to him. “I choose life, Baek. There’s no life for me if you aren’t in it.” I take a deep breath. “I’ll be a law student, so it’s going to be tough for the both of us. You sure you can handle it?”

    He snickers. “When have you ever made it easy for me, kid? I had to go on a scavenger hunt just to get the invitation.”

    I’d planned the entire day elaborately. I made sure to add snippets of our memories within his scavenger hunt. The coffee shop. The high school. And lastly, this dance.

    “I don’t know. You tell me. Was I really worth the wait?”

    “Of course, you are. What changed your mind?”

    I shake my head. “Nothing. I’d already known for quite a while.”

    “Oh? Would you like to enlighten me then?”

    “I love you?”

    “Are you asking me or?”

    I push him a little, and he laughs to himself. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time, Baekhyun. You’re the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

    He dips his head lower, so the distance between us closes. “Sounds perfect.”

    “Sorry, it took me so long.”

    I also realized that this was the first Valentine with everything out there. Our feelings for each other right out in the open. And for the first time, I’m not scared of the consequences anymore. I’m content just living in the moment. Byun Baekhyun was a once-in-a-lifetime man, and I’d never let him go. These two indecisive, yet ambitious morons finally found their peace.

    Our lips meet chastely, and when he pulls apart, “no worries. We were never apart, were we?”

    It makes me smile because he’s right. Labels don’t do us any justice. “You’re absolutely right.”

    “Right now and right here, where would you rather be?”

    “Exactly where I am. I love you, Baek.”

    And he says those three words back right on my lips, just where he belongs.

    

---

 

[a/n] we did it guys. another journey has closed. im sorry for the sudden loss of motivation, but i'm really happy i could end this. i was so inspired last night that i planned out the entire chapter despite having to work at 4:30AM. honestly, i just pulled an allnighter lol. but that's okay because this story makes me happy.

this is for you guys to come back when things get tough. i hope it makes you smile whether it's because you're crying your eyes out from reading janus or having a rough day. much love!

thank you so much for the support from everyone. leave me some comments and please upvote if you enjoyed this story. til next time!