[somewhere in 2020]

 

His tongue sets me on fire. I never liked to kiss boys with tongue because, in my personal experience, I always felt like I was kissing a dog.

    Except it didn’t feel like that with him. Baekhyun kissed me tastefully. Like he meant it.

    Baekhyun pulls me on top of him. His warm hands cup both of my cheeks, and as he turns his head, I can feel his tongue run along the bottom of my lip.

    My next breath comes out ragged. I don’t know who this girl is. A girl who responds to every caress of his hands that aren’t too big on her. Because they’re perfect. That’s exactly what they are. I didn’t know how desperate I’d been to feel more of him.

    When I open my eyes, I see him watching me with half-lidded eyes. eyes. I’ve seen them before when I’d come to his place uninvited. His last birthday was an eyeful of bodies.

    I didn’t know how to address that tight squeeze of envy in my stomach then. And I don’t know how to address my sudden possessiveness now.

    Because I did this to him. His flushed skin and disheveled hair.

    And he’s so painfully hard that I can feel him from under me.

    He leans in to whisper, “what do you want?”

    I bite my lip, and his eyes fall to them again. Admiring them. I’d never felt like I’ve had anyone’s full attention until now. So, my stomach feels jittery. Words that are normally easy for me to grasp suddenly become a string of incoherency.

    Baekhyun’s little smile of adoration—the one he always has on when he sees me. It makes me feel like a kid. And at this moment, it felt more demeaning to me. I didn’t want to be a kid to him.

    I wanted him to see me as an equal.

    I was going to change that, but it seems that my thoughts have taken too long. Or maybe it was my indecision to go through with this. What if it changed everything? What if he’ll begin to disregard me like all the other women he’s been with?

    Swallowing, I attempt to say something but his weight leans on me, and before I know it, my back hits the couch. I yelp, patting his back several times but he doesn’t respond, completely still. I call out for him, wondering if he’ll wake.

    Nope. I peek at his face to see him completely knocked out. He’s the only person who’s ever done this to me. I laugh incredulously but don’t bother to wake him up. Everything that had happened just now suddenly feels like a fever dream.

    I could only hope that he took that as a dream. I didn’t want to think of the consequences that would completely shatter our friendship.

    Call me a coward. Because as expected, when he asked me the next morning if anything happened between us, I lied.

    I could feel my heart slowly wilt, but it didn’t matter because, to me, my best friend was more important than these fleeting feelings. At least that’s what I tried to tell myself.

 

[february 14th, 2021]

 

    Jaehyun was celebrating his birthday in California this year. He declared a film major as expected. It’d been a sad farewell. We’ve always known where he’d wanted to go, but the thought of not seeing him every day anymore was kind of disorienting.

    Mom attempted to persuade him to stay, but of course, Jaehyun convinced her that this was his life dream and so in the end, she let him go with big, fat tears.

     Today wasn’t anything special. I loaded my spring semester with way too many classes, and on top of that, I worked a good amount of hours at the coffee shop I’d committed to since high school.

    I got a text from Baekhyun to meet him at a fancy restaurant downtown. I’d initially thought that we were going to spend Valentine’s together again just like last year, but when I got there, he was sitting with two other people.

    At first thought, maybe he wanted me to meet his friends. But I’d already known his friends. There was Sehun and Chanyeol, one a prominent actor and the other—a CS major who’d started his own company and was now making more than I could dream.

    I recognize someone. Dolores Moreno.

    She was a pretty blonde in my sociology class. I immediately notice the seating arrangement. Next to Baekhyun, there’s an open seat. Directly in front of him is Dolores. When I sit down, I’m face to face with an older guy who introduces himself as Doyoung.

    Baekhyun tells me that Doyoung was a couple of years below him but was currently pursuing a master’s degree. Both majoring in physics. Except Baekhyun was already in the first year of his doctorate program.

    When the situation finally set in, it’d been an understatement of how uncomfortable and annoyed I felt. I didn’t appreciate being invited to a double date without my consent. I also didn’t appreciate how chirpy Baekhyun was as he conversed with Dolores.

    She kept fixing her hair every second, but I shouldn’t be annoyed. Why am I annoyed? I had a feeling ten minutes into the dinner that Dolores didn’t share any affection for me either because she kept interrupting my conversations with Baekhyun every time he initiated.

    Only twenty minutes and no catfight. We’re off to a great start.

    “So…” Doyoung begins, getting my attention.

    I meet his eyes.

    “Baekhyun tells me you’re going to be a prosecutor,” he finishes, gesturing toward me.

    “Hopefully,” I answer with a smile.

    “What’s your major?” Dolores asks.

    “Political science.”

    Doyoung has this look on his face. I squint my eyes astonished by his reaction. He looked like he disapproved of my answer, but why did he care? A complete stranger who looked like I just told him his mother died.

    I level him a curious look, trying to tone back my defensiveness. “What?”

    He feigns a smile. “Nothing.” Then, he ponders a bit more before saying, “I just don’t have good experiences with poli sci majors.”

    Dolores jokes, “talk about top ten useless majors.” And only Doyoung laughs.

    Baekhyun’s smile is unamused when he adds in, “let’s not.”

    I lean back into my chair, smiling sardonically. “Why not? None taken, honestly. Dolores, tell me. What’s your major?”

    “Pre-med,” she says, smugly smiling.

    “How’s that going for you so far?” I ask, but I don’t let her answer before cutting in, “good luck. I heard the weeding out classes are quite intense.”

    Dolores grounds her jaw. “Are you implying that I’m dumb?”

    “Not at all. It sounds a lot like you’ve already confirmed that yourself.”

    “Ouch,” Doyoung breathes out.

    Her cheeks turn red, and she turns to Baekhyun. “You’re going to let her talk like this to me?”

    Baekhyun meets my eyes, and I see conflict within them. He swallows. “Can we just get through this dinner without—“ He cuts himself off for whatever reason.

    Anger pulses through my blood until it spreads like an uncontrollable wildfire. I didn’t even know what I was doing here. I didn’t understand why I felt so pissy. I was always fine with seeing his girlfriends, but not today.

    Today hadn’t been a great day. Work had emotionally drained me, and I was so fried, yet this anger—it’d been so eye-opening.

    “I don’t have an appetite,” I suddenly announce, standing.

    The three of them have different expressions on their faces that it was almost comedic except for the fact that the atmosphere was as heavy as lead.

    Doyoung stands. “I think I’ll go with you if that’s okay.”

    I didn’t care about Baekhyun’s permission. It wasn’t a question. I’d wanted to leave. I nod toward Doyoung who places a hand on the small of my back, leading me out.

    For whatever reason, I decide to turn around. When I see Baekhyun, his tight expression makes my stomach churn. The light catches onto his jaw that is clenched tightly.

    I remember our kiss. I remember the pact I made with myself also. So, I turn back around and leave.

 

[somewhere in 2021]

 

    I have several miscalls from Baekhyun that I’m ignoring on purpose. I’m still really butthurt from Valentine’s day. I know he only had good intentions, but it was probably the second to the worst Valentine’s I’ve ever had. I’m honestly a sore loser, but am I going to stop feeling sorry for myself?

    No.

    After we left, Doyoung really showed his true colors when he tried to have with me in his car. I dodged a big red flag when I flat-out rejected him. Doyoung then proceeded to talk about me to people. Now, the entire campus knows my business. I wasn’t even aware that he was popular, to begin with. The entire frat members of Alpha Delta Phi have begun to hiss insults in my direction whenever I pass by one of them.

    Of course, ignoring them was a seemingly better option than trying to physically defend me. I wasn’t sure where a measly girl like me would end up if I threatened those jocks.

    Anyway, I hadn’t answered Baekhyun in at least a week, and I spent way too much of my time planning ways where I wouldn’t have to run into him.

    I get another call, but when I check, it’s Jaehyun.

    “Yes, little bro, to what do I owe this honor?”

    “To my y voice,” he answers.

    I roll my eyes. “Bye.”

    “ Wait!” He shouts, pausing for a dramatic effect before he blurts, “please stop avoiding hyung.”

    I pause in my walk. “What does he have to do with anything?”

    “Nothing. I just feel sorry for him,” Jaehyun replies. I narrow my eyes suspiciously. The silence is confirmation. I wait for a beat before he adds, “okay, fine. He bribed me. Will you just pick up his calls? I really cannot miss Oh Sehun’s movie premiere.”

    “I cannot believe you would stoop this low for a—“

    “I don’t have time for your lover’s quarrel. Just pick up his calls or else.”

    “Or else what? What are you going to do to me from all the way in Los Angeles?”

    “I’ll expose the time you got a stuck in you and that I had to drive you all the way to the ER at three in the morning to hyung.”

    “Traitor!”

    Jaehyun ends the call, and I groan into my hands. I really had no choice, did I?

    I check the time, and it’s about three-ish in the afternoon. Baekhyun is usually in the Physics department at this time.

    As I head there, I run into one of Doyoung’s lackey. He spats in my direction, and the wind picks up at the perfect time—getting it right onto my shoes.

    I sigh, kicking my shoe in order to get it off. As I was about to mind my own business, his lackey falls to the ground, clutching his face.

    There are one or two seconds of silence before I hear cursing. I glance to the perpetrator to see Baekhyun shaking out his fist.

    He smiles sheepishly before grabbing my hands. “What—“

    Before I know it, he’s tugging me along, and we’re both running to who knows where. When we stop, I’m clutching my stomach, laughing my off.

    Baekhyun watches me with a soft smile. If I wasn’t so busy laughing-crying, then I would feel this inexplicably weird mushy feeling in my stomach.

    No, I still felt it. Who was I kidding?

    I wipe my eyes. “I’m not automatically forgiving you, by the way.”

    He nods. “I know.”

    “Then why’d you punch him?”

    “Because I felt like it,” he answers with no shame.

    I cross my arms. “You’re reckless.”

    “No, I’m Baekhyun.” Cue the eye-rolling to the back of my skull. “And I’m sorry for Valentine’s day.”

    At the mention, I shift uncomfortably. “It’s whatever.”

    He grabs one of my hands, interlacing our fingers. I think about what Jaehyun said to me. Touch being his love language. “It’s not whatever.” He says the words so distastefully that I can’t help but smile. “I’m sorry I left you there. If it makes you feel better, I’ve been ignoring all her text messages.”

    I grunt, “have you?”

    “Yeah,” he confirms.

    My lips curve upwards. “Every single one of them?”

    He seeks out my eyes, and when I meet them, all I see is earnestness. “You betcha. ”

    “It’s not that big of a deal. Friends fight. We’re making up, aren’t we?” I ask him, offering him a bigger smile to tell him that I’m okay.

    “You’re the most important person in my life,” he tells me.

    I tilt my head. “And your parents?”

    “They’re dead. I’m sure they won’t mind you taking the number one spot.”

    I laugh at this. “That’s kind of ed up.”

    “It got the message across, didn’t it?”

    I pull my fingers away from his. He winces, but when I open my arms, indicating a hug, he engulfs me before I have a chance to blink.

    This time, I don’t whine even when his bear hug makes my ribs squeak.

 

Hyoyeon was the only person that I kept in touch with since high school. She was pretty determined that I categorized her as a best friend and from the way her contact name in my phone was number one bestie. I’d say she was a close second to Baekhyun.

    Every time I came home for the weekend, she’d stop by, and it wasn’t that much of a big deal because we were—in fact—neighbors.

    Hyoyeon, as usual, hogs most of my bed, and I’m left with a measly corner. She swings her foot over mine. “So,” she begins suddenly, breaking our silence. Hyoyeon drops her phone and turns her attention to me.

    “When are you going to tell him?”

    “Him?” I wasn’t fooling anyone. I knew exactly who Hyoyeon was addressing.

    She snorts. “Your boyfriend.”

    “He’s not my boyfriend,” I vehemently deny. It was an important distinction to me. The thought of encroaching the blurred lines made my stomach churn with uncertainty.

    “Yeah, yeah,” she mumbles, sounding very unconvinced. “Something’s changed between you two.”

    I have no idea what she’s talking about. “Not really.” This was more of a question than a statement, so Hyoyeon was more than happy to clarify her stance. I really didn’t like how forward she’s been with her support for Baekhyun and me despite completely ignoring her own relationship problems with my brother.

    “Okay,” she announces, sitting up. “I think—the turning point was definitely February.”

    “What do you mean?”

    She puts her hand up. “He’s been here every weekend since school’s been out. If not, how many days of the week do you see him?”

    I probe my brain for the answer. During the spring semester, he stopped by to take me back to my dorms whenever I had a closing shift at the café. Lately, he’s been busy with an internship and working part-time at an upscale restaurant.

    I hadn’t realized how much I was used to his presence until last night when he didn’t text me at all. Was I worried? Sort of. Maybe. Okay, yes. I was. Sue me.

    “I don’t know how to tell him,” I mutter, trying to avoid thinking about the impending warning signs in my head. I wasn’t worried that he’d be against it, but I was worried about us. Would he still make the effort to reach out?

    Or was it all me? Was I the only thing keeping us together? I think about the number of times that I bring him dinner. The tender smile and twinkly eyes that would greet me.

    Would I miss it?

    Yes. But I think about the opportunity to study abroad. I’d been on the waitlist for a couple of months since registration began.

    Someone dropped from the list, and I almost dropped my phone after reading the acceptance email. Jesus. I was stuck. I needed another perspective hence why I almost bulldozed Hyoyeon today.

    “What’s your main concern? Distance? The fear that he’ll suddenly forget you exist? Or he’ll continue serial dating?”

    Hyoyeon smiles smugly when she sees the fear on my face.

    “God, you are so easy to rile up.”

    I chew on my bottom lip. “He’s been single for almost six months. That’s a record. I—I’m afraid that he might find someone more valuable than me.”

    Hyoyeon rolls her eyes, propping her cheeks on both hands. “This is the dumbest conversation I’ve ever had. Dumber than when your stupid brother told me that I was too flighty—“ She catches herself. “Forget that. Okay?”

    Now, it’s my turn to be smug. “Okay, soul sister. Are you banging my little bro?”

    She huffs like I’ve said the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard. “First of all, no. Please don’t use soul sister and little bro in the same sentence. People can misunderstand.”

    “I mean—I don’t really see what’s wrong with you and my bro—“

    “I do. And this conversation isn’t about me. Stop trying to change the subject. We’re talking about you and your stupid not-boyfriend.”

    “He’s not stupid.”

    “Potato. Potata. Do I look like I care?”

    “You’re mean today. What crawled up your ?”

    “She’s menstruating,” Jaehyun blurts, poking his head through the crack of my door.

    Hyoyeon hurls my pillow at him. He catches it with a wink. “ you very much.” Jaehyun merely sends a flying kiss which she swats, and I chuckle at their antics. When he leaves, she turns back to me. “I refused to ever associate myself with that devilish man. For all I know, there is no way in hell he came out of your mom’s coochie.”

    “Please don’t bring my mom’s into this.”

    “You’re right,” she agrees, her eyes shining with mischief. “Let’s talk about how your last day in DC is next Friday, and that you haven’t told your boyfriend.”

    At this point, I felt too ashamed to correct her. How the hell was I going to break the news to him?

 

[february 14th, 2022]

 

    London is only wonderful for the first month or two. Once you begin to realize that everything is expensive because of tourism and that the weather stays crappy indefinitely, it’s really not all that.

    I don’t know what drew me to London when I opted for the exchange program rather than a semester-long program, maybe because it reminded me of DC. I grew up in a tourist area as well. I’d known who were locals and vice versa.

    London gave me the same feeling. Despite being in an entirely different country, it comforted me. It was stormy today. The skies were cloudy as usual, but they smelled earthy. The air was damp, clinging to my clothes. I knew there’d be a storm tonight.

    I inhale and exhale, stopping on the side of the road. I’ve walked this path for an entire semester. Time really flew by, and I couldn’t remember the last time I went back to DC. Was it the second week of August? And if you ask me, I’d rather not reminisce that week.

    My parents flew here to spend Christmas with me. I’d halfheartedly offered to fly back, but they figured out that I still haven’t talked or planned to talk to Baekhyun. Out of goodheartedness, they came here instead of subjecting me to the possibility that I might run into him. Jaehyun came too, and any kindling sisterly love flew out the window once I interacted with my pesky brother again.

    My phone buzzes with a text from Hyoyeon. She sent me a selfie of her and Jaehyun. My eyebrows lift as I scroll down to see her text.

    any words to the birthday boy?

    I bellow out an unexpected laugh. I get some weird looks from passerby’s, but I’m too nostalgic to care. Did they finally get over their ridiculous high school rivalry? I’ll take that as a yes.

    there are extra condoms in my bedstand xx

    I slip my phone into my back pocket and head back to my flat. I’d been sharing it with my roommate, Clara. She was a cute Italian, and ever since I introduced her to Jaemin, one of the guys I met in my criminology class, we’ve been closer than ever.

    She reminds me of Hyoyeon. Way too many details about their lives.

    Our flat is on the top floor of a building older than my ancestors. Its crumbly stone architecture equipped with water pressure is the perfect, romantic getaway. Other than freezing our asses off in the winter months, it’s our humble abode.

    I love it. When I saw the advertisement on our community board in search of a flatmate, it was perfect. It was only a fifteen-minute bike ride to uni, and despite the faulty—almost sketchy—structure, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    Hopping up the stairs that wind around the side of the building, it isn’t until I’m halfway up that I realize there’s someone here.

    I squint, trying to recognize who the silhouette could be. His back was turned to me, but I’m guessing it’s Clara’s boyfriend.

    “Jaemin? Is that you?”

    My smile is wide as I get ready to , but when the person turns around, my smile falls off the face of the earth.

    “Oh.”

    There’s a very pensive look on his face when his eyes land on my appearance. “That’s it?” A bitter smile lifts on his beautiful face. He breathes out, a cloud of fog curling when his warm breath intermingles with the frosty air. “That’s all you have to say to your best friend?”

    I wordlessly walk up the rest of the stairs, setting myself in front of my door. He watches me fish my keys out of my tote and unlock the door. Then, I turn to him. “You coming?”

    He follows closely behind me, and when I push the door close, he’s entrapped with his back toward the door. Our eyes meet, and my arm falls from the door. But I can’t look away nor can I move.

    It’s been almost a year since I’ve last seen him. I haven’t talked to him during those times either.

    He looks the same, but maybe there’s something else there in his eyes. Wistfulness? He feels older too. Our hits me like a truck then. Of course, that’s because he is older than me.

    Baekhyun has always been Baekhyun. I’m what he likes to dub as kid.

    “What are you doing here?” I ask.

    He rubs the back of his neck. “Getting right to the point, aren’t we?”

    I sigh, not liking where this is going. “Did Jaehyun give you my address?”

    “Close,” he answers. “Hyoyeon.”

    To which I curse silently. I should’ve known something was up when she wanted my address out of the blue. “You’re wasting your time.”

    Baekhyun has no regard for personal space, and I’m used to it. Or I was. The tiny space between us feels like molten lava. It’s uncomfortable.

    “Hardly. Don’t you think it’s time that we talk?”

    “There’s nothing I have to say to you,” I mutter, dropping my gaze away from his face to his shoes. He’s wearing the shoes I gave him last Christmas. And he’s worn them to shreds. My heart throbs for a beat.

    Baekhyun snorts. “You would think I’d gotten the clue when you ghosted me, huh?”

    I grunt unappreciatively. He’s still here, and I’ve gotten enough of the silence. “Fine,” I bite out. “Let’s talk. You first.” I can feel the regret setting in.

    He does, in fact, have something to say. “You left.”

    “Technically, I went to another country to resume my studies.”

    He ignores me, pressing, “without saying a word to me. That’s not fair to me, don’t you think? A heads up would’ve been nice before I was ambushed by the fact that you left without saying goodbye.”

    I scoff, rage lashing at my throat—burning red and hot. “You wanna talk about fairness? I did stop by. You were busy.” Eating someone else’s face.

    Baekhyun closes his mouth, and I finally have the courage to look up. Something registers in his mind. “You lied to me.”

    “What?” I blurt, backing away.

    He closes up on me. “The fact is that you lied to me. You told me that we didn’t kiss.”

    I open and close my mouth like a fish on land. . I didn’t want him to find out about this matter. “You remembered.”

    Baekhyun sighs. “I never forgot. You gaslighted me. I felt stupid, you know? I thought that I was crazy for—“ He stops, not allowing himself to continue.

    “For what?”

    “Don’t worry about it. What’s going on with you, kid? You usually don’t get so angry when you see me with someone else.”

    That’s because I didn’t. The real answer is that I was bitter he forgot about our kiss. The kiss that continues to keep me awake at night. I felt pathetic, holding to something so intangible.

    “It was unexpected,” I lie. “I was already nervous about telling you that I accepted the program.” Of course, I hid the fact that I switched to an exchange program because I couldn't face him.

    “What did you think I was going to say?” He asks me. It was rhetorical, so I don’t bother answering. “God, did you think I’d say no? Rain on your parade? I’d never do that.”

    I stutter, “I know but—“

    “But what? You can’t explain the ghosting with nerves, can you? Unless there’s something else going on—“ He pauses, his eyes suddenly widening. And then I see specks of hurt. “Do you resent me for kissing you?”

    My heart breaks because he looks like he genuinely believes that. “No, Baekhyun—“ He doesn’t believe me. I can see it in the way his shoulders droop, and his usual confidence—the easygoing Baekhyun—is gone.

    “I don’t hate you. Okay? Please. Look at me.” I grab his shoulders but even then the height difference allows him to avoid my eyes. So, I tiptoe, pulling his cheeks into my palms.

    He swallows, tensing up. I’ve never seen him so riled up. It’s so unlike himself. “I thought you replaced me. So, I ran away. It hurt in the beginning, but I thought maybe it would go away. Then, eventually, we could go back to being ourselves.” I let out a shaky breath. “Best buddies for life.” But I can hardly say the last four words.

    “I was afraid of the truth. I just sort of felt that you’d eventually grow up and realize that I’m not worth your time anymore. That I’m too immature for you. You always tell me not to care about our , but you can’t tell me that we aren’t in different stages of life. When I graduated high school, you reached adulthood. When I reached adulthood, you were already well into it.”

    I don’t even notice that his hands are on my waist until he squeezes and I feel it burn into my skin. Seven months and he hasn’t touched me once because of our distance. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I feel it again.

    “What about how I feel? You’re twenty. You haven’t experienced the best parts of your life yet. I always think about how I’m holding you back. Your first year of college should’ve been filled with new friends, frat parties, reckless drinking—boyfriends. I still think about our movie nights on Fridays when you could be out with your friends. When you brought me lunch when, in fact, it should be someone you like taking you out to lunch.”

    It’s only now that I realize how dumb and blind I’ve been. It shouldn’t matter. Our age shouldn’t have been such a big factor in our friendship. Because I’m neither of those things he wants for me, I don’t care about making new friends when I have him. I don’t care about boyfriends when his company was better than any dates I’ve ever been on.

    “Let’s put a pin on this,” I whisper.

    His head tilts, my words not yet registering.

    I lean in, the smell of roses tickling my nose. The men that I’ve gone on dates with here don’t measure up to him. They never do. It doesn’t matter what country.

    Our lips touch delicately in such a way that it feels like I’m still familiarizing myself with him. With his taste. The memories of our first kiss swirling in my mind.

    I let him go, breathing raggedly. For a long beat, we stare at each other like a bunch of crazies. Then, he grabs me again, and I jump, tangling my hands in his hair.

    We kiss again, and there’s nothing delicate about this kiss. It’s violent, stoking the desire I’ve pushed in the proverbial box ages ago.

    He tears into me like I’m a drug. His hands are strong and possessive as he touches me everywhere, and he shoves me against my door.

    I can’t breathe. God, I really can’t, and I don’t care. Our clothes go off one by one, and then I’m suddenly on the couch.

    The moment blurs into slick bodies and probing kisses. He feels like forbidden fruit, and to hell with holding back. He makes me forget about my inhibitions. I don’t care why I held back from this. I only know that I want this again and again.

    He makes me feel like this is my first time. It should be my first time. It’s far better than the awkward dead weight on top of me then. A sorry excuse. Byun Baekhyun isn’t an excuse. He’s not a dirty, little secret. He makes me want to use every remaining breath in my lung to shout to the rest of the world that he’s mine.

    Somewhere in between the , I hear his laughter. I can taste it, and it makes me doubt why I ever thought that this was forbidden territory.

    Because if you find a man who gives you multiple s in one sitting, you keep him.

    

---

 

[a/n] lol hi guys. i just read a really good book, and i wanted to pick this story up again. so here i am. anyway, i am aware that i'm edging you guys LOL. it really be like this. hope you guys liked this chapter. there's only one left so hold tight and cross your fingers.