step twelve point five: Battle of the Bands

 

“Are you swimming in clothes?” 

 

It took Yujin awhile to catch her breath and for her eyes to fully focus on the figure. She had to make sure she wasn’t just seeing things. 

 

She was right. It was Mikayla standing outside the pool and staring down at Yujin. 

 

“What are you—” Yujin gave a large exhale, “—doing here?” 

 

“Ditching class.” Mikayla shrugged. “What are YOU doing here?” 

 

Yujin swallowed. 

 

“Swimming.” 

 

Well, duh. She could see that, Genius. 

 

“Clearing my head.” Yujin clarified. 

 

Mikayla crossed her arms. “Well, you should get out soon, if you don’t want to get in trouble. There’s a gym class that’s coming in here next period.” 

 

Mikayla crouched down and eyed Yujin, no doubt seeing her red eyes and puffy face from all the crying she was doing. She had a blank look on her face as she watched Yujin struggle to pull herself out from the pool.  

 

Yujin sat on the diving board, feeling a little light headed as soon as she left the water. She recognised it as the feeling she’d get while she was on boats. 

 

“Why the long face?” Mikayla said when Yujin seemed to hesitate about something. 

 

Yujin scratched her head sheepishly. “I don’t have spare clothes.” 

 

Mikayla snickered. “Whatever. Just go ask your girlfriend for some. She seems to have an abundance of clothes.” 

 

“She does.” Yujin said, thinking about all the clothes that Wonyoung has left at her place. She really needed to return them. “I have some of them in my closet.” 

“Vicky goes to your house?” Mikayla looked incredulous. “Have you been to hers?” 

 

“Yes.” The two made their way towards the bleachers.

 

“Yes to which question?” 

 

“Both.” 

 

Yujin grimaced at the sound of Mikayla’s phone constantly buzzing in her pocket. She picked up her shoes and socks, the only thing she owned that was dry. And her phone which she removed from shorts before she jumped into the pool. She was at least in the right headspace to do that. 

 

“I really don’t know what you see in her.” 

 

Yujin shrugged. “She’s sweet.” 

 

In her own special way. Yujin found that she’s sweet to the people she cares about and will give her all to them. Everyone else are merely acquaintances that she keeps her guard up with. It’s almost like she saves the real Wonyoung for people that she genuinely cares about. 

 

“Sure she is.” Mikayla snickered. 

 

Yujin pursed her lips into a thin line, feeling malice at the tip of her tongue. Mikayla isn’t worth it, that’s what Yujin was thinking. Wonyoung sure as hell didn’t care about what Mikayla thought about her. 

 

But, then again. Yujin wasn’t Wonyoung. 

 

“Yes.” Yujin glared at Mikayla. “She’s very sweet. You don’t know about her. And it doesn’t sit right with me that you’re out here talking about her like this to me, someone that’s actually close to her.  I don’t even want to know how you talk about her to other people.” 

 

Mikayla just chuckled and shook her head, rummaging through her bag for something. 

 

“What’s so funny?” Yujin found a newfound sense of confidence. Yujin was genuinely a peaceful person, but she couldn’t help but be heated when someone is undeservedly and pettily being hated on. 

 

“It’s so hilarious that you like her so much.” Mikayla said, casually pulling a towel out of her bag. She amusedly mumbled under her breath, “is that what being in love is like?” 

 

Yujin eyed her carefully. It baffled her how someone could exude such energy that screamed ‘don’t trust me!’ and yet here was Mikayla, doing the most casual action and Yujin couldn’t help but be suspicious of her. 

 

“Yeah.” Yujin hummed out, still focusing on Mikayla and the seemingly nice gesture, not really registering what Mikayla was saying. She eyed the towel with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“I took this out of Tristan’s locker.” Mikayla once again the towel in Yujin’s direction. “Take it.” 

 

Yujin didn’t move. Or at least, she was too slow to react. 

 

“What? I’m not trying to kill you or anything. It’s just a towel.” Mikayla scoffed. 

 

“I-I know that.” Yujin took the towel and wrapped it around her body. “I’m just wondering how you knew Tristan’s locker combination?” 

 

“Oh,” Mikayla tinkered un-excitedly on her large phone, “we’re dating.” 

 

Of course. What else did Yujin expect? 

 

The bell rang and Mikayla shut off her phone and sighed. 

 

“Bye.” Mikayla said. She started to walk towards the exit. “Just throw the towel away, I’ll buy a new one for him if he asks.” 

 

Yujin could only watch her go, a million thoughts running through her head. 

 

She remembered once that Wonyoung had told her to not be so trusting of people like her, because she always had some kind of hidden agenda or ulterior motive. Yujin had asked Wonyoung if she shouldn’t be so trusting of people as to which Wonyoung merely shook her head and laughed. ‘I think it’s okay if you’re too trusting of people, because you have me by your side being suspicious of everybody and everything. Except for you, of course. You’re the one I trust the most.’ 

 

Yujin took off the towel suddenly, feeling too warm inside the pool. 

 

“Think, Yujin.” She squeezed the ends of her hair. “What does she want?” 

 

Yujin thought back to everything Mikayla did, from the words she said to her mannerisms. She tried to replay everything in her head, trying to pick up on something she must have missed while in the moment. 

 

Mikayla had went from judging her to laughing hard at her all in one conversation. And laughing, why, exactly? Because Yujin liked Wonyoung? 

 

‘Is that what being in love is like?’ 

 

Yujin froze. The towel in her hand fell to the ground. 

 

Was that it? Was this actually love? 

 

Did she really love Wonyoung like that? 

 

Yujin thought back to all the times she’s had crushes. And by all the times, it was mostly just Jihan. She’s never crushed on anybody the way she crushed on Jihan. 

 

Her crush on Jihan seemed to ignite something in her heart. It was like every time she was close to Jihan someone would spark and a huge fire would break out and Yujin would feel excited and giddy inside. Whenever she was away from Jihan the fire would go out and she always felt like she wanted to be near her again. She wanted to feel that fire ignite once more and consume her. 

 

Now that she thinks about it, since she’s been hanging out with Jihan lately, she hasn’t really given her that feeling. Almost like she’s been woken up from a dream. Jihan wasn’t some unattainable light she could watch from the distance, she was there in front of her, right then and there. 

 

But, that didn’t mean that the fire was out. It was actually still there, Yujin could feel it. It was quietly burning away. It wasn’t consuming her nor was it weak. It was a stable flame, just enough to keep her warm but not enough to burn her. It never faltered nor did it grow. It was calm and steady. It made her feel safe. 

 

Did she ever want to date Jihan? She’s always come to the conclusion that no, she does not want to date her. Never in her mind did it appeal to her to want to date her. She mostly just enjoyed that feeling of being ignited. 

 

Yujin was walking through the school hallways while deliberating her feelings. She found herself making her way towards the school auditorium. 

 

She remembered the first time she watched the school play for Jihan. They were putting on Clueless: The Musical and Jihan was Cher Horowitz, the sparkly and perky female lead. Cher’s character was nothing like Jihan, though. Now that Yujin thought about it, Wonyoung would make a good Cher Horowitz. 

 

Yujin chuckled to herself, imagining what Wonyoung would say if she ever heard that.

 

“I would NEVER date my almost step bro like that,” Yujin scoffed to herself dramatically, sticking out her hip the way Wonyoung usually did. “But, Cher is pretty slayful and pretty, so thank you.” 

 

Yujin gave an amused smile. Wonyoung was so predictable. Weird, she’d never think to say that months ago. 

 

Well, Wonyoung wasn’t actually that predictable. There were just some things that Yujin would be able to guess solely because similar things have happened before. 

 

'You think SHE reminds you of ME?’ Wonyoung’s voice echoed through Yujin’s mind. 

 

Wonyoung had eventually warmed up to the movie, getting pretty invested. She had gasped during the ending. 

 

‘Wow.’ Wonyoung had said, while on the edge of her seat. ‘Their destinies are really tangled up in each other.’ 

 

Yujin suddenly found herself wishing her life was a movie. Her life being written out for her. Her destiny written for her so she’ll know that she’s making the right decision. 

 

Maybe that’s what it was. 

 

Yujin sat on the edge of the theatre stage and stared out into the seats in disbelief. 

 

And then it all started to click. 

 

The flames. The stability of it all. Wonyoung was stable. She was true to herself and she never wavered.  She was unpredictable to others but to herself she always knew what she wanted. 

 

When they first kissed, Yujin didn’t feel a huge flame. She didn’t feel the huge spark. She just felt warm. Wonyoung made her feel warm. 

 

Jang Wonyoung. Jang freaking Wonyoung. 

 

Yujin just wanted her to be happy. She wanted to make her happy all the time. Not for her approval. She knows in her heart that Wonyoung would never be disappointed in her. No, she just wanted to make her happy for the sake of Jang Wonyoung being happy. 

 

It’s not like she didn’t love Jang Wonyoung. No, it was not that at all. 

 

“I’m scared.” Yujin whispered under her breath. 

 

She sat, frozen on the stage. She wasn’t scared of Jang Wonyoung. She wasn’t not in love with her. She loved her. She loved Jang Wonyoung. 

 

“I’m scared of loving Jang Wonyoung.”

 

God, she loved her so much. 

 

“Stupid.” Yujin clenched her fist and hit her thigh. “Idiot. Coward. You’re  a coward, Ahn Yujin.” 

 

And she’s blown it. She’s done the one thing she doesn’t want to do to Wonyoung. She did worse, actually. She hurt her. She hurt her bad. 

 

And she didn’t know what to do. So, she did the only thing she knew how to do. 

 

She ran. 

 

Out the doors of the school, wherever her legs could take her. Screw school for the moment. Yujin wouldn’t have been able to concentrate anyways. 

 

She ran and she ran for God knows how long until she couldn’t find it in herself to run anymore. Her lungs were gasping for air and her legs were burning. 

 

Yujin collapsed onto the curb of whatever random suburb she had ended up in to catch her breath. She closed her eyes, and focused on the feeling of the air travelling in and out of her lungs. She focused on the feeling of her chest heaving up and down. 

 

And that’s when she heard it. 

 

A song. Singing in her head. It was her song, the song that she wrote for Battle of the Bands. But, the lyrics were different now. They flowed effortlessly through Yujin’s head. It was the easiest song Yujin had ever written. 

 

The lyrics sounded like her own voice, but it also didn’t. It was her, but it also wasn’t. Something about it sounded foreign to her. 

 

She didn’t stop to question it. She just made sure to write down the lyrics. 

 

…………………………………..

 

“I know you’re mad.” Was the first thing that greeted Wonyoung when she opened the door. 

 

She looked the visitor straight in the eye, her heart skipping a beat when she saw who it was. 

 

“Hi, Yena unnie.” 

 

“At Yujin.” Yena said. “I know you’re mad at her. And I don’t know what happened and usually I’d blame you but for some reason there’s something in me telling me that I think it’s Yujin’s fault.” 

 

Wonyoung didn’t respond to that. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Wonyoung looked at Yena pointedly. 

 

Yena shrugged. “I was at sound check tonight and you weren’t there. Yujin said you won’t be coming tonight. Said something about it being her fault.” 

 

Wonyoung didn’t say anything, but if she were to say anything she was going to say ‘yes, it was.’ 

 

“It just didn’t feel right that you won’t be there.” Yena said. “You invested a lot into this band, Vicky.”
 

“I don’t want to talk to Yujin.” 

 

“You don’t have to. I get it, I really do. I know that when I’m angry at Yuri I don’t wanna see her. Anything to do with her would set me off.” Yena said and Wonyoung scoffed at that because she knew that feeling all too well. She was living it as of right now. 

 

“Exactly.” Wonyoung said. “So, I’m sitting my right here.” 

 

Yena shook her head. “But, even though I don’t see her, she still stays close enough to be with me. I know she does that. Because, I do the same thing for her.” 

 

There was a silence while Wonyoung kept an eye trained onto Yena’s. She was searching her eyes for something. 

 

“Our family’s not really good at communicating. I know that. But, that’s why we try our hardest to find those little moments where we’re able to see how much the other cares for us.” 

 

“Well, good.” Wonyoung said. “I’m happy for you. Not everyone is able to do that.” 

 

“Yeah.” Yena nodded her head. “Sometimes we try our hardest to see, and we just can’t.” 

 

Wonyoung scoffed. She was right about that. 

 

“That’s why I believe that love is my Yuri.” Yena said with a smile on her face and Wonyoung was about to shut the door in Yena’s face. 

 

But, her next words caused Wonyoung to pause. 

 

“Just because I don’t see it, doesn’t always mean it’s not there.” 

 

Yena sighed. 

 

“There are some days where I try so hard, you know? But, it’s hard with long distance. I’m grasping at all these moments that are so minuscule and rarer than they should be and trying to make sense of them. Sometimes all I want is her to text me ‘good morning, I love you’ and then a smiley face or a cute selfie of her in bed or something. Yuri always looks so cute in the morning she’s so fluffy and soft—“ 

 

“I really don’t care.” 

 

Yena paused. 

 

“Right. Sorry.” Yena took a deep breath to refocus her thoughts. “Vicky. What I’m trying to say is this. I keep pushing my expectations on Yuri. My expectations on how I want her to love me. And when she doesn’t do them I get upset. It’s partly my fault, too, for not telling her these things.” 

 

Wonyoung bit her lip.

 

“And because of that, I miss the times when she does tell me she loves me.” 

 

“What does she do?” Wonyoung said. 

 

Yena scrolled through her phone a little bit. She showed her phone to Wonyoung. 

 

“She sends me stuff like this.” 

 

Wonyoung peered at the phone, her eyebrows furrowing. 

 

“This is just a picture of hot sauce.” 

 

“Exactly!” 

 

Wonyoung sighed. Just when she thought Yena was making some points, she lost her again. 

 

“She texts me random things that she finds throughout the day because she wants to share them me. I’m the first person she thinks of when she sees these things.” Yena said. “Because she loves me.” 

 

Wonyoung stared at the picture of the hot sauce. She stared long and hard. 

 

She heard her own voice in her mind. Her insecurities. Her heartbreak. Her anger. At Yujin. At her Mom. At the world.

 

She heard her own voice begging for someone to choose her first. To turn around and to beg for her. 

 

‘I don’t know. Wonyoung.’ 

 

For her and her alone. Not for her status or for the character that she’s playing along to.

 

‘I’m confused.’

 

 Her. Vicky Jang. Jang Wonyoung. 

 

It wasn’t until Yena had driven away when Wonyoung started to hear a different voice. 

 

‘I don’t know, Wonyoung.’ 

 

I’m scared— 

 

‘I’m confused.’ 

 

—because I want you. 

 

‘I’m not good at this.’ 

 

I care about you. I really do. 

 

It was Yujin’s voice. And only Yujin that she heard. The only voice she wanted to hear from now on. 

 

……………………

 

A/N: 

.......... well, hi. 

I know I know I know it's been monthsss. Originally this part was meant to be only like half of the newest chapter but I'm taking so long to try and write what's supposed to be the second half of this chapter so I just say stuff this and I'm going to post this as a stand-alone chapter lmaoooo. 

I'm sorry it took so long and thank you to everyone who's been waiting!!! 

And... FINALLY. Yujin FINALLY realised. My lil coward. Wonyoung better than me fr cause I would've been gone long ago. LMAOOOO.

It's a really short chapter, but I hope you guys enjoyed it!! Stay safe everybody.