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step twelve: Battle of the Heart 



Yujin never noticed before, but Wonyoung seemed to have a deeper voice than she would expect. Whenever she thought of her voice she always seemed to have a higher tone in her head. 



“Walking home with Jihan, I see.” 



It had only been about 24 hours since Yujin last talked to Wonyoung but it seemed that Yujin had forgotten the effect Wonyoung’s voice seemed to have on her. 



It was sort of mesmerising, like Yujin was put into a trance every time Wonyoung talked to her. 



Most of the time it was a nice sort of mesmerising. Tranquil. 



This was not one of those times. 



Yujin lifted her head and there she was. Clad in a pink cardigan and a white skirt, Yujin gulped when she saw how Wonyoung was calmly drawing small circles around her bedazzled Gucci purse. 



After no doubt feeling the tension between Wonyoung and Yujin, Jihan had quickly taken her leave, almost breaking out into a run around the corner. The two were then left standing outside the convenience store in silence. At least Yujin was able to muster out a request to go into the staff room. She tried hard to ignore Yena’s questioning stare when the two stiffly walked into the store and straight into the room, locking the door. 



“Your eye bags are deep.” 



Yujin didn’t know what she was expecting Wonyoung to say, but it wasn’t this. Then again, that was her fault for trying to predict Jang Wonyoung. 



“You couldn’t sleep.” Wonyoung said it not like a question but like it was a fact. And Yujin nodded because she was right. Last night, Yujin was left tossing and turning on her bed for hours. 



Yujin dared herself to sneak a glance towards Wonyoung when she looked distracted by the variety of almost empty bottles on the table. Courtesy of Yena, of course. She never liked finishing her drinks. She would always leave just a little bit left in the bottle. Like two sips each. 



As always, Wonyoung looked goddess-like. Her sleek black hair was slightly wavy and Yujin realised just how much it had grown since she first met Wonyoung. Before, Wonyoung’s hair used to rest an inch past her collarbones. Now, her hair was draped over her pastel pink blazer and was just about on its way to her waistline. Her very high waistline. Jang Wonyoung’s slender legs seemed to go for miles. 



Wonyoung always looked poised, like her life was well put together, like she woke up every morning and her day was going perfectly and according to plan. It was always safe to assume that Vicky Jang would have her life together. 



But, Yujin knew better. 



Yujin and Wonyoung had similar skin tones, but not quite. Or perhaps Wonyoung had grown paler during the autumn season? Whatever it was, Yujin could see that the concealer that Wonyoung had given to Yujin that one morning? It didn’t quite match with Wonyoung’s skin color today. 



The concealer Wonyoung had used to try to hide her own eye bags stuck out to Yujin and she could not shake the image out of her head. 



“We sound good.” Yujin said after realising that the two have been standing in silence. Wonyoung had been tapping lightly on her white skirt and only broke Yujin out of her thoughts when she let out a slight exhale through her nose. “The band. We sounded good during practice.” 



“Okay.” Wonyoung pursed her lips. 



Again, they fell into another silence. Yujin cleared  to break it. 



“The original is coming together but it’s still not there yet. If we had more time I’d say we go back to the original set, but Battle of the Bands is tomorrow.” Yujin said, studying Wonyoung’s expressions. 



She was looking for anything from Wonyoung at this point. The unreadable look on her face was driving Yujin crazy. Most of the times she was hard to read, but that was mostly because her true meanings were lost in translation. Yujin just had to study her languaguage. But, though Yujin had a undergraduate degree in Jang Wonyoung language?right now Yujin had nothing. 



Though, Wonyoung’s lips had twitched slightly when Yujin suggested changing back to the set. Yujin could only guess what Wonyoung would have said if she was being her normal self. 



“Yujin.” 



But, today she was anything but her normal self. At least, according to Yujin. Because, if you asked Vicky, she would argue that she felt like her normal self whenever she was around Ahn Yujin.



“Yes?” Yujin felt relieved when Wonyoung looked at her as if she had much to say. She just wanted Wonyoung to say anything. 



“Tell me something.” 



“Like what?” 



“What do you think about me?” 



Yujin didn’t answer right away. What did she think about Wonyoung?



Well, for one, Yujin found her scary. 



First of all, she had a short temper. She had the patience of a ticking bomb and if you caught her at an off-day or even an off moment then you were screwed if you so much as stepped into her personal space. 



And yet, she always seemed to be mad if Yujin wasn’t by her side.



Wonyoung was blunt. She was straight forward. She wouldn’t sugar coat things for you. What you saw was what you got. If she liked you, at least. Because she was a little bit scary when it came to emotionally manipulating the general public. Yujin wouldn’t be surprised if she could be explained to have slight sociopathic tendencies.



But when Jang Wonyoung was around Yujin she was honest and caring and Yujin always felt valued when she was around Wonyoung. Even when she was teasing her, Yujin couldn’t help but feel like Wonyoung handled her as if she was the most precious and delicate piece of art at the exhibition. 



Yujin wasn’t much of a talker, but around Wonyoung they could spend hours talking about the randomest things and it honestly scared Yujin. It scared Yujin just how much she was aching to know about Wonyoung. She wanted Wonyoung to tell her everything. Everything that was on her mind and everything that happened in her day, just anything to do with her. 



“You’re Wonyoung.” 



Wonyoung stared at her, eyes boring into her own. Yujin wanted to look away but she couldn’t find it in herself to do it. She probably looked like a coward under her gaze. 



“I know that already.” Wonyoung suddenly snapped and Yujin jumped. “I’ve asked you this before and you answered the same way.” 



“I’m sorry.” Yujin said. It slipped out without her knowing. She was just used to it at this point. She was conditioned to just apologize at this point in her life. 



“You say that all the time, too.” Wonyoung said. “I’m starting to think you just like to swerve these kind of questions.” 



She took a deep breath. 



“Are you just playing with me, Yujin?” Wonyoung said.  “You’re having fun playing with the vice cheer captain? I know what they think of me, do you think the same way? I don’t think so, but you’re really making it seem like you do.” 



“I don’t.” Yujin said. “I promise.”


“And I believe you.” Wonyoung said. “I believe you when you say you don’t think of me like they do. Now, I’m just asking you to tell me what that is. I’ll ask you again. What do you think of me?” 



Yujin felt hopeless, her knees buckling slightly from the pressure of her own weight. 



“I don’t know, you’re just Wonyoung. You’re you.” 



“That’s not enough!” Wonyoung exclaimed.



“I-I,” Yujin said,  opening and closing but nothing coming out. Wonyoung had to hold back the bitter laugh she wanted to let out because Yujin honestly looked so ridiculous. 



She just felt like laughing in general and she really couldn’t understand why. Nothing was funny. She just felt the need to. 



Wonyoung couldn’t hold it in anymore. 



“Dammit, Yujin! I like you!”



There was silence at her words. They seemed to echo around the staff room. Yujin couldn’t help but remember that the last time they had a fight was also in this very room. 



“I like you so much!. Do you hear me? I. Like. You.” Wonyoung seemed to burn a hole into Yujin’s face. 



Wonyoung leaned against the wall of the staff room, her shoulders sagging and she let out a sigh. She didn’t sound disappointed or annoyed. She just sounded… tired. 



“Will you just say something already? Or are you just going to stand there and do nothing. Again. Are you going to avoid me again?” 



Broken. She sounded broken. 



“I’m sorry.” 



Two words. 



Wonyoung hated those words so much. Especially coming from Yujin’s mouth. 



God, she hated Yujin so much. 



She hated the way her own name seemed to roll off of Yujin’s tongue. So smoothly. Effortlessly. She hated the way that she constantly wanted, no, needed Yujin to be around her because whenever she was around she always felt lighter. She hated the way that Yujin smiled, the way that it was the most dazzling smile she has ever seen. She hated the way that Yujin was always listening, even if you thought she wasn’t. She hated the way she felt against her lips, everytime she kissed her, the way she tasted like nothing and everything. She hated it. It made her angry. She was so angry. 



God, she loved Yujin so much. 



Wonyoung couldn’t think around her. 



Yujin was refusing to meet her eyes. She was scared. Wonyoung could see that. It frustrated her. 



Her heart was throbbing. It was so fast. So so fast. It was pounding against her chest. Why was it pounding like that? And there was her stomach. Why was her stomach churning like that? And her fingertips? Why did her fingers feel numb? Why did it feel like her head was spinning? Why did she feel so heavy? Why? Why was everything so overwhelming? Everything felt so intense. 



“I hate you.” That was the only thing Wonyoung was able to muster out. 



Yujin didn’t even flinch at the words. Almost like she was expecting it. 



“I’m sorry—” 



“I know, Yujin. I know.” 



Wonyoung leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes. 



“I think I’m going crazy.” Wonyoung murmured to herself and she let out a bitter laugh. 



It was like her feelings were getting away from her. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, what she was feeling. 



All her life, Wonyoung had taught herself to keep her feelings in check. Do not get too excited over things, especially people. Do not get too sad over things, especially people. DO NOT get your hopes up. 



Do not let people in to the point that they are able to hurt you. 



All her life, Wonyoung had everything under control. 



Wonyoung suddenly stood up straighter, her eyes opening. 



“Why do you let me kiss you?” Wonyoung said. 



Yujin finally seemed to come to her senses. Lucky. Wonyoung didn’t seem to have that luxury when it came to Yujin. 



Yujin swallowed, her eyes darting around the room as if she would be able to find the answer written somewhere there. 



“It’s for the fake dating, right?” Yujin said, voice shaky. 



“Then why can’t you look me in the eye right now? Are you even answering the question? Because it sounds like you’re unsure of your answer.” Wonyoung scoffed. “And fake dating, my . Don’t tell me you still care about that? Don’t tell me you think I care about it, too?  Yujin, do you think I give a single  about the fake dating stuff anymore?” 



Yujin looked like she was actually going to answer the question, or more like the five different questions that Wonyoung had asked. If Wonyoung wasn’t in the state she was in she would have laughed at her. 



“Yujin.” Wonyoung said. “I’m asking you again. Why do you let me kiss you?” 



There was silence yet again and Wonyoung watched as Yujin pondered over the question. 



“Because you want to.” 



Out of her control. That was it. That was the feeling. 



She felt like everything right now was out of her control. 



“Yujin do you feel the same about me or not?” 



“I don’t know Wonyoung.” 



“Yes you do! You either like me too or you don’t. Which one is it, Yujin?”



Yujin’s silence was painful. 



“I-I don’t know, Wonyoung.” Yujin said, eyes b with tears and she tried her hardest to keep them in. 



“That’s not enough!” 



“I know! I know it’s not enough! So, can you please stop yelling at me?” 



Yujin balled her hands together into a fist, and then stretched them out again when she felt how sweaty her palms were. 



There was silence between the two of them, with Yujin staring at a spot on the ground. Wonyoung, on the other hand, refused to take her eyes off the other girl. 



Wonyoung pursed her lips when it looked like Yujin wasn’t going to say anything. 



Wonyoung shook her head and sighed. Then she  her heel to leave. 



“I’m confused.” 



She almost missed it. Yujin’s voice was so soft and weak that Wonyoung was shocked that she even heard her at all. 



Wonyoung froze in her spot, seeing out of her peripheral vision that Yujin was still standing limply in the same spot as before. 



“About what?” Wonyoung matched Yujin’s volume but there was still a bite to the tone. 



Wonyoung saw the way Yujin’s chest rose and fell. She saw the way Yujin dared to lift her head to rest onto the side of Wonyoung’s face. Wonyoung didn’t dare to move, scared that Yujin would look away from her if she did. 



“I’m not good at this.” Yujin said.



She felt selfish. She wanted Wonyoung to tell her everything, but she wasn’t quite ready to tell Wonyoung everything back. 



“I know.” 



Wonyoung knew. She really did. And she was willing to wait for her. To be patient for her. Vicky Jang wasn’t a patient person, but she was willing to be more patient for Ahn Yujin. God, Jang Wonyoung was willing to do anything for Ahn Yujin if she’d let her. 



“So, why are you mad at me?” Yujin looked like a kicked puppy. 



It just  when you were willing to be patient for someone who didn’t seem to realise that you were waiting for her. 



The worst part about everything was that Wonyoung didn’t mind. She would put her heart on a platter for Yujin and she didn’t care if Yujin broke it. She didn’t care what Yujin did with it. All she cared about was that it was hers. She was hers. 



“I’m not mad at you.” Wonyoung said. She couldn’t be mad at Yujin. “That’s the worst part about all this. I look at you and I look at you and…” 



Annoyed at Yujin? Yes. But, angry at her? Hateful to her? Wonyoung just couldn’t find it in herself. 



“And all I want to do is be yours.” Wonyoung’s voice had dropped to a whisper but Yujin could still hear everything. Every word. Every syllable. The way Wonyoung’s mouth rounded at her vowels. The way she breathed into the words. 



She was her’s. All for her. 



She couldn’t be mad at Yujin, but that didn’t mean that it still didn’t hurt. Because it did hurt. 



Wonyoung cleared , forcing herself to look at Yujin. Her gaze was cold as Yujin just stood helplessly in front of her, unable to say a word. How could she when she didn’t know what to say?



“I think it’s best if we keep our distance from each other for now.” Wonyoung said. Icy. Like coworkers. Acquaintances. Strangers. 



When Yujin didn’t say anything, Wonyoung swallowed. 



“Well done, Yujin. The fake dating mission was a success. Jacob is begging to have me back.” Wonyoung said. Then she laughed bitterly. “Like you said— just how I wanted.” 



Why was it that Yujin was right about a lot of things and yet she was still wrong?



“Good luck tomorrow, Yujin.” 



Wonyoung walked away. Away from Ahn Yujin.



There was only one thought running through her head at the time. She was chanting it over and over in her mind, desperately clinging to the doorknob.



Please, call my name. Yujin. Call my name, make me turn around. Yujin. Show me that you want me. 



Wait. She wanted to hear that. But as she slowly turned the doorknob, as the door creaked open, as Wonyoung stepped outside and closed the door behind her… Yujin didn’t say a word. 




Somebody, please, choose me. 





……………………………….




(“Vicky, are you sure you don’t want to come with me? It’s not too late, I can cancel my flight and buy another plane ticket for us at a later date.”


“I’m fine here, Mom. I want to stay in America.” 


As her Mom made her way into her boarding gate, Wonyoung could only watch her go while clutching onto her Dad’s arm.


Every now and then, her Mom would look her way and send her an encouraging smile. And everytime she did, there was only one thought that crossed her mind. 


Don’t leave me. I want to stay here and I want to stay here with you. Please, don’t go.)




………………………….




"Please, choose me."




…………………………




Perhaps Wonyoung did have a fear;



not being wanted.  




………………………..



Yujin didn’t feel like going to school. She barely slept a wink last night. 



The only reason why she was able to drag herself there was because she had a Maths test that day. 



She regretted going the moment she stepped foot on campus. 



“So, you’re still doing Battle of the Bands?” 



The entire hall went quiet. 



Yujin froze when she heard the voice. She wasn’t prepared for this. 



“Eugene, right?” 



Yujin was a pretty tall girl, but she still had to lift her head to look this person straight in the face. 



“Yeah. Yujin.” Yujin tried to keep her voice stable. “Hi, Jacob.” 



The boy smiled, adjusting his green varsity jacket to fit better. “Can’t wait to hear you guys.” 



He crossed his arms, a serious expression on his face that did not have a hint of that excitement he was referring to before. 



“Can’t wait to hear you guys, too.” Yujin said. 



Jacob seemed satisfied with her answer, because he nodded and glanced at something down the hall. 



“See you at sound check.” Jacob said. Then he walked past Yujin, not before slightly bumping her shoulder with his. Yujin stumbled a little, rubbing her shoulder from the force of his massive build. 



She was left standing in the middle of the hallway, everyone there staring at her. 



Well, everyone except for one. And it was the only person Yujin found herself looking at. 



Locker 830. Wonyoung— no, Vicky’s locker. 



Yujin didn’t dare to look at her for more than a few seconds, afraid that Wonyoung would look up at her, too. 



So she took a deep breath and walked straight towards the stairs and down to the first floor. 



“Yujin?” 



It was Jiheon, but she didn’t mind her. 



Screw the Maths test. Yujin needed to get out of there. 



She burst through the doors and took a deep breath. The smell of chlorine filled her nose. Thankfully there was nobody there. 



The school swimming pool. 



Yujin wasn’t really a fan of the cold. 



Don’t get her wrong, she liked winter and cold weather but she didn’t like the feeling of being cold. When she and Yena had to share rooms during trips Yena would always complain that the room was way too hot. Meanwhile, the moment Yujin felt a breeze she would not be able to fall asleep until she couldn’t feel it anymore.



But, strangely enough, there was one time where Yujin loved the feeling of being cold. Here she was, her feet dangling over the edge of a diving board. She faced straight ahead of her, eyeing the way the pool stretched out in front of her. She stared at the water below her. Then she dove. She didn’t know if her technique was impeccable or not. Frankly she didn’t care.



She let her body float down to the bottom of the pool. Then she sat cross legged, staring up at the water. Some breath bubbles floated up. Yujin just stared. Up at the ceiling, the lights reflecting against the water and causing strange shapes. 



She focused on the feeling of being surrounded by water. She focused on the feeling of her goggles sticking to her head. She probably should loosen them later, they were feeling a little tight. She lifted a hand and started swaying it through the water, her fingers apart. The water pushed against her hand while at the same time slipped through the cracks between each finger. She felt her heart start to beat against her chest, getting louder and aggressive the more Yujin held her breath. 



Her chest was pounding. 



Her lungs were screaming at her and Yujin knew that it was time to start her journey back up the pool. It was only 2 metres deep, and Yujin was quite close to 2 metres in height anyways, so she didn’t have to rush. 



She let herself float to the surface, slowly. Her lungs were still screaming, like there was something inside her banging against her chest and begging to be let out. Yujin let them bang and scream some more. 



Dammit, Yujin, is what it sounded like they were screaming. 



She kept underwater until she could not take it any longer and she pushed her head out of the water,  prying itself open and she gasped for air. 



All the while her brain was telling her that ‘Air! Air! We need air to survive!’ But, Yujin didn’t hear any of that. 



Instead she was listening to her heart. 



Her heart was crying out with the same amount of anguish, the same amount of pain that her lungs were crying with, too. They were screaming one thing. ‘Love her, Yujin. Why can’t you love her?’ 



Yujin clung onto the lane ropes and it was then that she realised that she was crying. 



‘She just wants to be loved.’ Yujin cried into the water. Her tears started to mix with the pool water. ‘Jang Wonyoung just wants to be loved, Dammit!’ 



Yujin balled her hands into a fist and dove underwater once more. 



I want to love Jang Wonyoung. Yujin let out a yell of frustration under water. 



She wanted to love Jang Wonyoung, so bad. Why did she still feel so confused about her own feelings? Yujin resurfaced. 



Then she swam. 



And she swam and swam. 



And she didn’t stop. 



It was a pool, but to Yujin it felt like she was swimming in open water. She was swimming further and further away every time her arm  through the water. 



Swim away.



And she did just that. Until she felt a hand grab at hers after she finished what felt like the thirtieth lap. 



“Yujin!  What are you doing?” 



Yujin threw her head out of the water and slammed her hand onto the edge of the pool, heaving and panting. 



She looked up at the unfamiliar voice, her head still spinning. 



“Are you swimming in clothes?” 



It was Mikayla.



……………………………………

A/N: 

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Did I get you there? 

I was planning to write a 10k chapter but that would take too long, and I felt bad about not updating quickly. 

Again, I just wanna BONK Yujin so bad. TUIM Yujin is probably the most infuriating character like she is so frustrating how does Vicky have the patience for her? I still love my baby though. She's just young and dumb and has never been in love before so give her some slack, she's just my baby. Wonyoung, though. My sweet angel child she deserves everything like Yujin just love her!! It's so simple. 

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the update and thank you again for those who take the time to read this story and support it! Your comments always make me smile, I love seeing your reactions!