“Conclusion,” Kyungsoo says into his handheld microphone. “One full stop. Devascularisation of the left kidney secondary to transection of the left renal artery full stop.” He puts the mic down and scrolls through his text to make sure he gets the important parts into the conclusion so whoever has to deal with the patient will know his primary findings without having to read it all. He’s spent the past twenty minutes fine-combing the CT scan of a traffic accident victim who’d been flung from the vehicle. Her injuries are a reminder of how important it is to wear a seatbelt, he thinks, as he continues on with his conclusion. “Six full stop. Fractures of the right transverse processes of T7, T8, and T9 full stop.” He runs his eyes over the text one last time before he presses send and his description is added in the digital file that stores the images. 

There have been so many grave injuries these past few weeks. A traffic accident with one or more severely injured patients seems a daily occurrence, and as if that isn’t bad enough, there’s usually always one or more patients injured in other terrifying ways. A saw that went wild, a fall from 4 metres, a suicide attempt. The world just seems so bleak. 

He presses the small x in the right corner of his screen and then stares at the list of patients they’ve been scanning today. It seems to grow every time he updates it and it feels like he will never finish. He finishes one patient and two more have arrived. 

Kyungsoo sighs and pushes back from his desk. He needs a coffee, a good one, something better than the cheap stuff they keep in the break room. He walks purposely towards the glass entrance doors of the radiology department and hesitates as he steps into the corridor. Will he go to the staff cafeteria way up at the fifteenth floor for a cheaper cup of coffee or should he go down and get a better, but more expensive cup downstairs at the patient café? A small ache in his lower back decides for him. He takes the stairs down to the ground floor and walks to the café. The young woman behind the desk is newly hired according to the badge on her apron. She looks like a university student. The line moves along very slowly and Kyungsoo lets his thoughts drift towards a more pleasant topic than all the depressing injuries he’s seen lately.

He has taken five days of vacation next week and he’s going to visit his grandparents in Jirisan, alone this time. It’s a four-hour bus journey on the terrible provincial buses, but it’s worth it to get away from all the craziness and constant physical and mental exhaustion of working in one of the biggest hospitals with one of the busiest trauma centres in the country. Kyungsoo doesn’t hate living in Seoul, but things have been - well, just a lot lately, and he’s looking forward to getting away from it all just for a short while. 

His relationship with his mother has been so much less stressful since their conversation at Chuseok, but it’s still exhausting handling all her chatter and enthusiasm about a subject Kyungsoo is still not entirely comfortable with himself. His mother has no boundaries - which is honestly a more positive thing than negative, and Kyungsoo would far rather be in his situation than poor Chanyeol’s - but it’s still exhausting. Kyungsoo isn’t used to discussing such personal things so openly. She has read up on auality, told Kyungsoo all sorts of things about the label he hadn’t even read himself, but she’s doing it all with the best of intentions. If someone had told Kyungsoo a year ago that this time next year his mother would have not only stopped foisting girls on him and nagging him about marriage, but been supportive of auality, he would have sent them straight over to the psychiatric building. It’s taught him that standing up for himself and being honest, rather than politely obeying on the surface and simmering bitterly beneath, can have a better outcome than he’d ever dreamed. It is a character trait he probably needs to work on.

His mother still hasn’t quite understood the whole concept of outing people, but Kyungsoo can work on that. He doesn’t dread visits to his parent’s apartment any more, and there are no spur-of-the-moment blind dates arranged. Kyungsoo actually feels kind of okay with himself these days, and it’s flowing over into other aspects of his life. He doesn’t feel like he only wants to hide in his apartment on his own any more when he’s not working. He recently spent an evening with Fanxing and Changwook at their fancy Cheongdamdong apartment with its weird modern artworks that are just as bizarre and incomprehensible as Fanxing’s fashion sense, and Kyungsoo actually had fun despite the initial anxiety that had come with barely knowing Fanxing’s boyfriend. Changwook is friendly and has a great sense of humour, and is much more normal than Fanxing - as Kyungsoo had bluntly told his friend, to Changwook's great delight and Fanxing’s outraged scoff.

“Sir!” A high-pitched voice penetrates his eardrum and Kyungsoo only marginally manages not to wince as he realises he’s spaced out and there’s now several feet of empty space between him and the counter. The young girl across the counter gives him a double raised eyebrow when she gets his attention. “May I take your order?”

Kyungsoo moves forward and fumbles with his card holder in his pocket as he mumbles his coffee order. The staff member leans over the counter with an “excuse me?” and he repeats his order louder. He feels a little embarrassed as he hands over his card, lets her scan it and then takes it back before he moves to the left towards the pick-up area. As he waits for his order, staring out over the café area, he spots Minseok walking across the lobby.

Kyungsoo tilts his head a little as he watches Minseok nod and smile at a nurse going in the opposite direction and disappear through the entrance to the ED. His shoulders are held straight and back instead of the slightly crumpled posture Kyungsoo hadn’t realised Minseok carried himself with until he sees its absence now, and instead of the usual hurried, purposeful walk that gave the impression that Minseok was needed in ten places at once - which, granted, was often true - there’s a relaxed lightness to to his step. Kyungsoo doesn’t remember seeing his friend look this - well, happy - since...

He nearly jumps out of his skin when his order number is yelled out into the café as if he isn’t standing right there. He takes his coffee in one hand, barely managing not to glare at the girl who’d nearly ruptured his tympanic membrane, and follows in Minseok’s footsteps, across the busy lobby and through the internal doors to the emergency department.

As always, navigating the ED is like finding his way through a maze. Hallways left and right criss-cross and loop in directions that seem impossible and it takes Kyungsoo a few seconds to remember the way to Minseok’s office, down the hall from the nursing station. Kyungsoo knocks on the door before he opens it and looks inside. Minseok sends him a surprised smile from behind his computer. 

“The inventor of the “level A radioactivity test” returns! I thought I wouldn’t see you darkening my doorstep for at least the next ten years or so,” he says, laughing as he gestures Kyungsoo in. Kyungsoo grins, hunching his shoulders a little as he remembers his unintentional rise to fame among the ED staff on his birthday back in January. He’d actually forgotten about that.

He steps inside, closes the door behind him and sinks onto the soft couch in Minseok’s office. Kyungsoo has no desire to become a chief and gain more responsibility, but he would not say no if someone was to offer him a better couch for his office. Maybe he should ask that woman from occupational health, he could probably bull an argument for why it is gravely important. 

“What brings you here?” Minseok asks as Kyungsoo takes the first sip of his coffee. The strong aroma caresses his nostrils and the deep taste of coffee beans roasted to perfection hit his tongue. It’s pure bliss. He closes his eyes and leans back, sighing as the soft cushions ease the ache in the small of his back, and the other doctor laughs. 

“You only love me for my couch, huh? I see how it is.” Kyungsoo hears Minseok start rapidly typing again, and after a few seconds he opens his eyes again to gaze at his friend as he focuses on his computer screen, still with that strange new air of confidence and relaxation about him. Is this just a weirdly good mood? But Minseok has never been the moody type.

“Hey,” he says as a memory strikes him. “Last week you told me you had something to tell me, but you never did.” Minseok looks at him, and - Kyungsoo’s jaw nearly drops. Is that a blush? Chief Kim Minseok, emergency physician and trauma surgeon, is blushing?

Kyungsoo straightens up on the couch, fixing Minseok with his very best meaningful stare as Minseok clears his throat awkwardly. There’s silence between them for a few seconds before Minseok sighs, visibly slumping as he wilts under Kyungsoo’s stare. 

“I did say that,” he says. “I haven’t told anyone else, so consider yourself very important.” 

“I already do,” Kyungsoo deadpans, making Minseok laugh, but he soon turns serious, getting up from his desk to sit in the armchair adjacent to the couch. He tugs on one finger, making the joint crack. Kyungsoo frowns. This is a big change from the laughing, light-hearted Minseok from only moments before. 

“What is it? Why are you nervous?” he asks, feeling a little alarm grow in him. Neither happy Minseok or nervous Minseok are normal, but given the choice he’d far rather have the happy one.

Minseok gives him a startled look, before he shakes his head and offers a smile, genuine enough that Kyungsoo’s alarm diminishes again.

“I’m not really. It’s just because I’m not used to saying it out loud. I’ve met someone. We’ve been dating for about a month now.” Minseok’s smile softens, eyes positively glowing. If there was ever a picture of a man in love, it’s Kim Minseok, right now.

Kyungsoo is utterly floored. Whatever he had been vaguely imagining it might be, this wasn't on the list of possibilities. Minseok has been alone for so long, married to his work ever since that fateful evening eight years ago, and as far as Kyungsoo knows, he hasn’t been wanting or looking for a partner. Kyungsoo has no idea how Minseok even managed to meet anyone, since he practically lives in the hospital.

Minseok laughs at him, and Kyungsoo realises he’s gaping. He shakes himself and smiles. “Congratulations,” he says. "That's wonderful." Minseok smiles and agrees happily. 

“So, is she a doctor or a nurse?” Kyungsoo asks, and hides his grin as it’s Minseok’s turn to gape at him. “Administrative staff, then? Not a patient, surely?”

“No,” Minseok says. “She is a doctor, actually, she’s an intensivist in the ICU, but how did you…” he trails off as Kyungsoo’s grin can’t be contained anymore.

“How else would you meet a woman if not at work?” he says, and doesn’t protest at the punch Minseok gives his upper arm, because he definitely deserves it. 

Kyungsoo has seen a lot of his friends date over the years. He’s seen the ups and downs of relationships. It started in high school with brags of hooking up with this or that popular girl, then had merged into long-term relationships through university. He has seen friends get together and break up, marry and divorce and remarry. It all seems like so much drama to Kyungsoo, but seeing Minseok look so happy after the tragedy he’s been through, Kyungsoo can’t find it in his heart to be cynical. He knows Minseok has been working hard with Fanxing all year to overcome his lingering trauma. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s Minseok. This woman, whoever she is, better be damn good to his friend, he finds himself thinking rather fiercely.

“I guess you have a point,” Minseok admits. “I met her after a really difficult situation in the ED. I was having a bit of a meltdown, to be honest, but she was so good about it. It turned out her nephew goes to the same school as my girls, and somehow things just flowed on from there. I didn’t think I would ever fall in love again, but,” Minseok pauses and sends Kyungsoo another soft smile. “I have and I’m very happy.” 

“Fall in love,” Kyungsoo repeats, smirking, and earns himself another punch, which he makes a show of rubbing. Minseok managed to hit the exact same spot twice. “Ouch, fine. Okay, so tell me about this woman you’re so in love with.”

Minseok tells him her name and a little about her. Kyungsoo may not have the experience of romantic attraction to compare with, but Minseok’s happiness makes him wonder more about it, in a curious way rather than a confused one. Would it be like meeting a new person you got on with, but on a more intense level? He remembers meeting and liking Changwook the other night, and how he could see them becoming friends, and that he would be happy if they were. If he was romantically attracted to men (and Changwook was single, of course), would Kyungsoo have felt something like that? What is the difference? What is that elusive feeling that makes Minseok’s eyes shine when he talks of Eunsook, that chases away the clouds that have followed him around for so long?

Kyungsoo is listening to Minseok describing how his nurses are teasing him, and vaguely considering asking Minseok what he thinks the difference between platonic love and romantic love is, and whether this is too much of a deep philosophical discussion for a coffee break, but they’re both distracted from the topic by the beep of a pager. Kyungsoo looks at his friend expectantly, but Minseok points towards Kyungsoo’s pocket. 

“It’s yours,” he says. Kyungsoo almost drops his empty coffee cup in his haste to get his pager from his pocket. He doesn’t often get paged because most of his equipment remains in the radiology department and patients come to him. It’s more normal for him to be contacted via cellphone, where he can usually approve investigations just from the descriptions he’s given.

The pager reads radiologist to NICU , and Kyungsoo is no further enlightened. It’s not usual for the neonatal intensive care unit to want a radiologist to go to them. He feels a warm breath on his neck and flinches as Minseok hangs over his shoulder to read the message.

“You should find out what the NICU needs a radiologist for,” he says, and he’s right, so Kyungsoo pushes his friend’s face away with a finger, dumps his coffee cup in Minseok’s trashcan and heads out towards the staircase. The NICU is located on the second floor, next to the ICU, and the nurse at the station looks up at him and smiles like she’s expecting him, addressing him by name even though Kyungsoo is pretty sure he’s never seen her in his life before. 

“Good afternoon, Dr. Do. Thank you for coming so quickly. Dr. Choi is inside,” she says, gesturing through the glass doors that separate the NICU from the corridor. Kyungsoo nods and makes his way into the warm room, noting the incubators with their attached equipment lining each side of the room. He hasn’t had reason to come to the NICU in years, but it looks exactly the same as he remembers, big transfer stickers of teddy bears on the walls and the lighting much less harsh than it is in the rest of the hospital.

The incubator he must be wanted at is surrounded by a doctor, three nurses, and a portable ultrasound. The doctor turns around at the sound of the automatic doors and smiles at Kyungsoo. It’s such a bright and happy smile that Kyungsoo is taken aback again for the second time in a minute. The doctor has perfect teeth, high cheekbones, and big round eyes that are positively sparkling. The staff here sure are friendly, he thinks as he finds a polite smile to send back.

“Good! Hi, welcome!” She steps aside a little to let him come close to the incubator. Kyungsoo squeezes past the nurses and stands next to the neonatologist, and realises how tall she is. She has several centimetres on him. She is built like an athlete, he thinks vaguely as he watches her navigate the tubes and wires on the sick baby. A runner or soccer player, maybe. 

“I’m Choi Minjung,” she introduces herself. “I need you to do an abdominal ultrasound on Saem.” Kyungsoo looks down into the incubator with the hood open for them to tend to the small neonate. Saem is a strange name for a baby - it’s a boy, if he goes by the tiny blue nappy - but he supposes anything goes if your child has a risk of dying before even leaving the hospital. 

“What are we looking for?” he asks, moving to prepare the ultrasound next to the incubator. They’ve heated the gel to prevent heat loss and Kyungsoo rotates the transducer in his hand, puts a finger to the edge to confirm it’s rotated the correct way, and then nears the baby. Minjung lifts a few wires off the baby’s stomach and holds them. 

“Bleeding. Traumatic birth,” she says and focuses on the monitors. Kyungsoo doesn’t remember what constitutes a traumatic birth from the few weeks he spent interning in obstetrics and it’s been a very long time since he read anything about neonates, but he knows how to read an ultrasound for blood, and that’s all he needs to do here. Saem fusses when he gently puts the transducer down on his soft skin and a nurse immediately reaches out to gently hold his legs in place. 

It takes a while for Kyungsoo to locate the adrenal gland on the small boy, every feature so tiny compared to what he’s used to, but when he does find it, he’s left with very little doubt. That looks a lot like fluid that isn’t supposed to be there. He turns on the Doppler effect and his first diagnosis is confirmed. He removes the transducer and looks at Minjung. 

“Adrenal hemorrhage,” he tells her. 

“Unilateral or bilateral?” Minjung asks as Kyungsoo puts the transducer away.

“Unilateral, right side,” he says, and she sends him a smile. 

“Thank you.” 

Kyungsoo nods his acknowledgement and turns to leave as Minjung directs her nurses to start IV fluids. He has only taken two steps away when he hears his name called, and he turns around to find Minjung smiling at him again.

“Are you at work for the next week?” she asks. “I’m going to need multiple ultrasounds over the next couple of days to make sure the bleeding stops and regresses like it’s supposed to. I would like the same radiologist to do it to minimize human error.”

“I will be here this week for follow-up ultrasounds, but I’m on leave next week,” Kyungsoo tells her. It’s only the start of the week, so the bleeding ought to have cleared up by then. “Feel free to call me when you want me.” He starts to turn away again, but is stopped for the second time. 

“Are you going on vacation?” Minjung asks. It catches Kyungsoo a little off guard and he blinks at her, unsure why she’s asking. Minjung adjusts the wires without even looking, her work muscle memory, and Kyungsoo resigns himself to making conversation. He nods and leans against the ultrasound machine. 

“Yeah, I’m going to visit my grandparents. They have a small lifestyle farm in a village near Mt. Jiri. I really like getting away from the city sometimes, and the national park is beautiful.” Why he is telling this neonatologist this, he’s not exactly sure. He doesn’t usually offer more information than the bare minimum, not to people he doesn’t know, and he’s sure she won’t be interested, but Minjung’s face brightens even more. 

“Oh, you are so lucky to have family in the Jirisan area. The mountains are so vast and yet so peaceful. It’s so completely different from the city with all its noise and rushing about. I like the city, but whenever I can get out into the wild places, I feel like I can breathe again.”

Kyungsoo finds himself nodding. It’s exactly how he feels, though he isn't eloquent enough to put it into words the way Minjung does. 

“I agree,” he says, visualising the steep slopes of the forested mountains rising up above the small village. He can’t wait to feel the soft breeze of clean air straight from the mountain ranges, the scent of dirt and spices mixed in, instead of the dull warmth of the incubator room and the ever-present antiseptic and bleach. “Being in nature is grounding. It helps me remember that there’s more to the world than injury and illness.”

“Yes,” Minjung nods. “If I could, I would have moved to the mountains. It would be amazing to be there all the time.” She sighs dreamily and Kyungsoo chuckles. It’s been a while since he’s had such a passionate conversation with someone. 

“Why don’t you?” he asks, and Minjung laughs as she tucks a blanket around baby Saem and closes the lid of the incubator.

“Neonatologists aren’t much needed on Mt. Jiri. I go camping often, though, I try to go at least once a month. I usually go alone because my friends are all city girls through and through, but maybe you’d want to join me sometimes? It’d be wonderful to have a like mind to talk to!” 

Kyungsoo stares at her. He has never gone camping with anyone else before and they’ve only just met. But honestly, going camping regularly sounds wonderful to him. He’d have a dose of peace to look forward to during the busiest and most depressing days.

If he says yes, does he sound desperate? Will he come off weird, as usual? But Minjung was the one who offered. She seemed to enjoy talking with him and they do seem to share the same love of nature. Maybe it isn’t weird? But what if Minjung is meaning something more than she’s saying, some social cue Kyungsoo isn’t picking up on because he’s a socially awkward idiot? Fanxing would know. Maybe he’ll ask...no, scratch that idea. Fanxing would congratulate him on being social like it was some great achievement, he doesn’t need that. Minseok. Minseok owes him one for letting him talk his ear off about his Eunsook. He can ask Minseok what he thinks this is all about.

He’s leaving her hanging. Kyungsoo has to stop mentally panicking. He gathers all the manners he’s ever learned and smiles at her.

“Thank you for the offer. It does sound great. I’ll think about it and let you know,” he says and then pushes from the ultrasound he’s been leaning against and walks towards the exit. Minjung follows him out of the room and then turns left towards the nursing station, sending him off with a cheerful wave. Kyungsoo turns around and walks back out and towards radiology. The conversation he’s just had keeps circling in his mind, and he repeats the words over and over. 

He would like to go. He wants to go. He likes the idea of visiting the wild places more regularly. Minjung seems nice, the way Changwook seems nice. Like someone he could be comfortable with, and that’s not something Kyungsoo often finds. He hopes Minseok tells him that it’s normal, it’s just a friendly thing two adults who share an interest are going to do together. He hopes Minjung doesn’t think he’s a weirdo. Even though Kyungsoo is.

He mindlessly finds his way back to his office and sinks onto his chair with a deep sigh. Enough stressing out. Time to work. His computer has gone to sleep, screen black as he swivels in his chair to look at it. He swipes the mouse from right to left a couple of times and types in his password to get back into the system.

---

Baekhyun is dead. Again. 

He tosses his controller aside and flops backwards with a groan, coming to rest against the couch, slumped so low that his head is practically level with his knees. Now that he’s stopped playing, he realises that his eyes are burning and his shoulders and back ache. He looks at his phone and finds the reason why; he’s spent four hours trying to get past this stupid boss level, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the TV screen in the lounge.

Time for a break. He unfolds his cramped legs with another groan for the stiffness in his knees, shuts off the screen, then crawls behind the couch so he can lie down flat on his back on the floor, hoping to ease a little of the muscle tension he’s given himself. It’s a Monday afternoon and both Chanyeol and Yeonseok are at work. Baekhyun has a night shift, so he’s had the day off, but he’ll have to leave for the hospital in a couple of hours. He drapes an arm over his eyes and closes them. The lounge is dim with the blinds closed so that he can see the screen better, and the floor feels good after sitting hunched over his controller for four hours. An unexpected wave of tiredness washes over him. Maybe he’ll have a nap. Sleep isn’t going so well for Baekhyun these days. He seems tired and wakeful at all the wrong times, and if he’s tired at a time when he actually has a chance to get some sleep, he’ll take it.

A rapid clattering of toenails on the wooden floor alerts him to the incoming attack mere seconds before an excited, panting, fluffy bundle plants both of its front paws on his chest and starts enthusiastically his face. Baekhyun splutters, opening his eyes to grab hold of Yomchi’s wriggling body in both hands and fend off the unwanted face-washing. The puppy is nearly 4 months old and already weighs 15 kilos, big enough and hyperactive enough to be rather a handful for Baekhyun to hold back from his prone position on the floor. Yeonseok says he’ll be twice his current size and weight by the time he’s fully grown.

“Oof,” Baekhyun laughs as Yomchi wriggles himself out of Baekhyun’s grip and climbs right onto his chest. He guesses the puppy is so excited because Baekhyun is lying on the floor, in his domain. “Enough with the ! My face is clean enough already!” But Yomchi pays no attention, and Baekhyun gives up, succumbing to a thorough face- and neck-washing. He was planning on showering before his shift anyway, he thinks, unable to hold back his own wriggles at the ticklish feeling of the puppy’s tongue him under his ear. 

Yomchi has been with them in the apartment for a couple of weeks now, and Baekhyun adores him. Playing with the puppy has become a highlight of his day, especially during the horrible week leading up to his exam. He’s never been so stressed in his life, but he took the exam last Wednesday and it’s all over now. The exam itself had thrown no curveballs so he’s pretty sure he passed, but he’d been so worked up by the end of it that when he’d come out and Lu Han had been waiting for him and given him a congratulatory hug, Baekhyun had burst into tears, simply unable to do anything else with the overwhelming relief of it all finally, finally being over. 

He’d done it without his medication, too. That’s a victory, Baekhyun thinks. It must mean that he’s better, that he wasn’t wrong to take himself off them. After the terrible withdrawal period, he’d found his focus had come back to the level he remembered it. He’d really needed that. 

He’s been trying not to think too hard about the other things that have crept in, along with his ability to focus. It’s so hard to eat properly these days, with his stomach constantly tied in an anxious knot. He’s been having mood swings that almost scare him with the way he can be so bursting with happiness one minute that he can’t stop talking and laughing and joking to anyone he sees and the next he can be utterly exhausted, so drained of all energy that everything looks grey. He finds his mind racing at night, sending stupid, pointless worries round and round in his head at breakneck speed so that he can’t sleep. But all those things are just due to the exam stress. They will go away now that the exam is over.

Yomchi finally decides that Baekhyun’s face is clean to Belgian Shepherd standards and flops down beside him on the floor, curling his warm body up against Baekhyun’s side. Baekhyun sleepily the fuzzy black fur with one hand. Now that the exam is over, the stress will go away. Things will get better. They will. 

But Baekhyun’s worries and anxieties won’t shut up. It has been five days, and he hasn’t really gotten any better. He still can’t really eat. He still can’t shut his mind off at night, but instead of worrying about taking the exam, he’s segued into worrying about the results, and which advanced fellowship he’ll apply for, and what he’ll do if he doesn’t get it.

He’s found himself worrying about Lu Han, too. Baekhyun knows he can be a lot to handle. These days when he gets into a good mood, he’s as bad as Yomchi, completely unable to shut himself up. Most people find him funny and entertaining, a ray of sunshine brightening up whichever part of the hospital he happens to be in. But getting him in large doses is a whole different story. Baekhyun worries that he might overwhelm Lu Han, be just too much for him. It was Lu Han who was attracted to Baekhyun first, but back then, Baekhyun had been more calm. More…

He slams a mental door closed on the word stable. He is not unstable. He was on medication back then, yes, and now he’s not, and things are - difficult, sometimes, but that doesn’t mean he needs the meds. Besides, it was antidepressants he was on, and he’s not depressed now. Everything he’s experiencing can be caused by stress. 

Except, Baekhyun’s mind whispers. Except for those bleak patches he’s been getting -

But that’s not depression. That’s not like how it was before, when he’d felt more like a dead and buried thing t