PART IV - (3/?)

Montreal, Quebec, CAN (1994)

Now, following Hyejin, each step Wheein takes makes her feel even more nervous. She has gone over this conversation more than a thousand times in her head but still, she can't picture a scenario where she would be prepared to face what’s coming. Once they’re sitting on the comfortable upholstered benches of a coffee shop chosen by Hyejin, facing each other and sipping a much needed black coffee, the singer breaks the tense silence that had settled in since they arrived.

"So...?" Despite not knowing exactly what to expect she really wants to get it over with.

"I'll start from the beginning." Wheein takes the lead, speaking exactly how she planned the whole week. "Like I said, I own a record label with Byul and Yong now. It's a nice business and it's been working out, so we had to move here to be able to expand. They have been here for a few months but I only got to town last week.” She pauses to see if Hyejin has any questions but she only observes in silence, so Wheein just continues under the singer's attentive and stern gaze. "On my very first night of work here I ran into you at The Palace and honestly, I panicked. I almost ran out of the restaurant to avoid you from seeing me, but I swear it was totally accidental. I didn't plan this, I had no idea you would be there, and to be fair, I was surprised that you never got to meet any of the girls again, since they’re here for a while.” She never asked Moonbyul and Yongsun about it, it was just her interpretation from the reaction they had, but something urged her to ask. "I mean... You've never seen them around here, right?"

"No, I haven't." Wheein tries and does her best to hide her relief.

"Good. Strange, I mean. From the way Roger talks about you it seems like you've been there for a long time."

"Almost ten years now."

 “Woah.” Wheein is surprised that someone so free-spirited like Hyejin would stay at the same place for so long. “That’s a long time.” 

“Yeah.” That’s all she gets in return. 

"So, Roger told me that you perform at The Palace on Thursdays and I decided to go there and talk to you to sort things out. Except that a series of unfortunate events led me to that ally where you meet… That guy. I swear I wasn't following you or anything, I just went out for some air and you were there, out of the blue. Then he showed up right after I ended up seeing everything that happened. I have to say this, I'm sorry, but it was a pleasure to see you kicking that bastard's ." She couldn't resist the urge to say it. "But anyway, you went back inside and I decided to wait a little so the place would be emptier and we could have some privacy. Also, I thought it would be better if you cooled down a little bit so that I could approach you because... Well, you were already pretty worked up and I didn't know if you would be receptive. I really didn’t want to be your next victim." Wheein sees Hyejin shaking her head and rolling her eyes but she ignores it in order not to lose her line of thoughts. "But then you got kind of..."

"Arrested." Seeing that Wheein avoided the word, Hyejin says it herself.

"Arrested, yeah. So I went to the police station with the intention of- I don't know, being able to help, I guess? Like a peace offering, you know? But then I saw him saying all those horrible things and I just… I just lost it. It was like something took over me. When I finally got aware of what I was doing I was already there, in the cell, and you were looking at me like I was a ghost." Wheein stops to give Hyejin time to assimilate everything.

"What a ride..." She muses aloud.

"Right?" Wheein scoffs, laughing at her own situation.

"Wh-What did you want to talk to me about, Wheein?" Hyejin repeats the question.

"A lot." Wheein nods, giving a dramatic effect to her words. "First, of course, I want to apologize."

"Apologize?" She wasn’t expecting it. 

"Yes. For the way I treated you in the past and for all the horrible things I said."

"You don't have to apologize." Hyejin stares at the table unable to hold Wheein's gaze. Wheein mentally thanks her because she doesn't know if she could keep talking under Hyejin's intimidating stare.

"Yes, I do." She pauses to search for the right words. "I was a big jerk to you, Hyejin. You never meant to hurt me in any way, quite the contrary, you told me the truth in order to prevent me from getting hurt. Not only emotionally, but like really, really hurt." Wheein knows that Hyejin knows exactly what she’s talking about. "I said terrible things to you. Awful and mean things that I should never have said, just so I could..." She chokes at her own words and her mind is taken twenty six years back, on the ride back to Olympic village inside Hyejin’s red truck. The singer drove in silence while Wheein tried to understand everything that was happening.

Her head was hurting like it has never hurt before, but the pain inside her chest - as if something had just torn her heart apart - distracted her from any other kind of pain. A part of her wanted to hate Hyejin. How could she have let this happen if she knew what would be the outcome of all of this? Wheein didn't know the doom of falling in love with an immortal but Hyejin knew all along and she still let this happen? Why? Why did she come back if she knew they couldn't be together? Just to tell her all of this and make their lives more complicated?

These thoughts, however, were soon put to an end when she took a peak at driver's seat: Hyejin was holding the steering wheel with a completely unnecessary force, as if she needed to do it to stop her hands from shaking; she also had her head tilted upwards to prevent the accumulated tears in her eyes from falling down. Wheein felt sick for even thinking that all of this was simply a choice. For thinking that Hyejin could have just walked away without looking back. She tried to put the blame on Hyejin because it was easier to try to hate her than to accept that the price for loving her was too high. It is not Hyejin's fault. Wheein had fallen in love with her the moment she had laid eyes on the singer on that stage in Chicago, all of those years ago. Even if Hyejin hadn't gone out of her way to meet her in Mexico City, she knew that eventually they would find their way back to each other. The fact that they fell in love with each other was never a matter of choice, it was their destiny.

Regardless, the real choice would be whether or not to pursue this relationship at the cost of leaving the people who have supported them the most throughout their lives, even if not immediately, but in the long run. How would it be fair to trade an eternity with her friends for a lifetime with the woman she loves? Making this kind of choice would be telling the other that she cares less about them? That she loves them less? None of this is fair. Therefore, that night, she did the most painful thing she had to do in all her hundreds years of life: she decided to hurt Hyejin so badly that even if one day she regretted it, even if in the future she tried, Hyejin would not want her back. She wanted Hyejin to hate her just as much as she hates herself for doing it. For willfully pushing her away.

Wheein didn't expect to lose it but this memory threw her out of her game. All the rehearsal she’s done over the past days went straight down the drain as the tears streamed down her face. Before Hyejin could stop herself, she instinctively stepped up and sat down beside Wheein, wiping her tears dry and trying her best to calm her down. 

"It's okay, you don't have to say it." Hyejin tries.

"No, no, I do." Wheein puts some distance between them so she can think straight. "Listen, I shouldn't have done that. I said horrible things about you, about Joohyun, about myself and I need you to know that I never meant any of that. I was desperate and chose to take what seemed to be the easiest way out for me. And doing so I've not only hurt you but also hurt myself in the process. It was stupid, selfish and foolish." The singer tries to interrupt, but Wheein doesn’t let her. "I messed up, Hyejin, and for that I am really sorry. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me or at least one day, maybe, not hate me anymore." After that Hyejin just stares at a random spot at the table, frowning for a good whole minute as the silence suffocates Wheein little by little. She looks for any possible signs on Hyejin's face, anything  that could tell her what she's thinking.

"You think I hate you?" Her voice comes out as a whisper.

"Don't you?" Wheein didn’t see that coming. 

"I could never hate you, Wheein." Hyejin doesn’t look up, just frowns deeper as if she doesn't understand how that could even be a possibility.

"I think you have every right to."

"No, Wheein, you-." Hyejin seems to look for the words as well, finally raising her gaze. "You had an hour to assimilate something that I've had a lifetime to understand. It took decades for me to accept what it meant to me, I don't blame you for taking it out on the messenger."

"Except you were so much more than just that." Wheein places her hand over Hyejin's on the table and Hyejin holds it, understanding that Wheein doesn't know how to put into words just how much she’s feeling right now. Wheein knows that the situation has gotten completely out of control, but the feeling of comfort that takes over her now doesn't let her react.

"But have you? By now?" Hyejin stares at their intertwined hands as Wheein continues to watch her face intensely.

"What do you mean?" Wheein was so distracted by her features that she didn't understand.

"Come to terms with it. Have you?"

"Oh." Wheein gently retracts her hands, crossing her arms and looking away.

"Oh indeed." Hyejin repeats disappointedly. She doesn’t need to say more for her to know that the answer is no. "Have you at least told them?" Hyejin also doesn't have to say anything else for Wheein to know who and what she’s talking about. They finally get to the topic Wheein was longing for but it doesn't bring her any joy.

"No, nothing."

"Nothing at all? Because your friends seemed to have their minds made up about me." There is no malice in Hyejin's voice but her tone still comes out a little harsh.

"Well, not everything, at least. I said we fought, which isn't a lie."

"Then why did they treat me like I broke your heart?"

"Because you did." Wheein lets it slip before she realizes it. Seeing the look of both confusion and pain on Hyejin's face, she continues. "I mean, I know you didn't mean to. I know it wasn't entirely your fault, Hyjein, but I was only able to hide it up to a certain point. I told them that we had a fight and that, at the end, we decided to go our separate ways. But I literally dragged them out of Mexico in the dead of night, for ’s sake, so it was pretty obvious that something was really, really wrong. We never talked about it, tho, so I never told them the whole truth." Her voice is almost inaudible at the end.

"So they don't really know that..."

"No! And they won't, as long as I can help it." This time, her tone is firm and confident.

"Wheein, that's not right." Hyejin stares at her again, but this time with a scolding look.

"Protecting them from this burden is not right?"

"Lying to your best friends is not right!"

"I'm not lying, it's an omission for their own good."

“No, Wheein, it's just you being self-" Hyejin restrains herself from saying it.

"Selfish? Say it!" Wheein gets angry at the fact that she has to say it out loud herself, even though she knows deep down that it's true.

"You already know it." Hyejin looks through the window, avoiding Wheein and shaking her head in disapproval.

"Whatever, it's none of your business." It comes out harsher than she expected and Hyejin silently stares at her one more time before reaching for her wallet.

"You're right." Hyejin takes out a twenty dollar bill and places it on the table right on top of the tab that had already come with their coffees. "Did you want forgiveness to keep lying to your friends with a clear conscience? You are forgiven. But I won't be a part of it, so I think we're done here." Hyejin walks away and Wheein takes a few seconds to understand what’s happening. Once she’s able to assimilate, Wheein gets up quickly and follows Hyejin down the street, which is still pretty empty due to the early time of the day.

"Wait! I didn't mean to- Hyejin, wait!" Hyejin is already turning down the corner when Wheein finally catches up to her. She gently holds her by the arm as she hurries to step in front of her, trying to stop her from going any further. "I'm sorry, Hyejin. It's just... It’s too hard for me."

"And for me it’s a bright day and a walk in the park, right?" Hyejin tries to move but Wheein continues to block her way.

"Of course not, I never said that!"

"Get out of my way." She warns as she closes her eyes for a moment, shoving her hands on her coat pockets. Wheein feels like she’s trying her best not to snap. 

"Just listen to me for a goddamn minute." Wheein begs. She doesn't know where all of this is coming from but she feels an urge to put it all out there. If she has already lost control, why wouldn't she pour out all of the feelings that have been repressed not only in her head, but also in the deepest part of her heart, for all this time? It's now or never. "I just need you to listen to me this one time, after that I promise I'll leave you alone. I can't live with all this bottled up anymore; I've opened a crack and now I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get it all out. I know it's not your problem, but you, more than anyone, deserve to know the whole truth. Please!"

Hyejin stares at her with a frown as if she's analyzing if Wheein's words are sincere. The danger light inside her head is flashing like crazy, telling Hyejin to leave just as it had done earlier that day. And just like it was deliberately ignored then, now would be no different. If she’s being honest, she knows it's a losing battle. She wouldn’t be able to say no to her. She really wants, needs, to hear what Wheein has to say to just walk away from her, especially since she’s making such a big deal out of it. Hyejin crosses her arms defensively and nods to indicate that Wheein has her attention.

"I thought you hated me because I wanted you to, Hyejin. That's why I said that..." She can't bring herself to complete the sentence. "I know I’ve already said that but I want to make sure that you know that I never meant any of it, I swear.” It comes out so naturally that Wheein feels someone else is speaking for her. As if whoever it is had rehearsed those words just like she did with her previous speech, only this time it feels way more honest. “But the overwhelming sense of loss and confusion I felt not only that night but also in the months that followed was worse than any physical pain I could have possibly imagined. I've been shot, I've been beaten, I've had my heart broken before but nothing, nothing came so close to the pain I felt for thinking you hated me. , it was unbearable! Not only losing you, but, damn it, knowing that to love someone completely I’d have to give up so many important things in my life. Learning to live with the reality that in our case, to love one means to lose another. And you know I'm not talking about immortality." Her voice comes out so passionately that she gets awkward glances from some of the few people who were beginning to walk down the street. Hyejin doesn't answer but keeps her eyes fixed on Wheein. She only holds her arms tighter as if it'll protect her from the curious looks of the people passing by. "I still haven't been able to find the courage to tell them but I will. Soon, I promise. I just need you to let me be the one to do it because I think they wouldn't forgive me if somebody else told them instead, since I already know the truth myself."

Wheein feels breathless after talking so much but it's like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She has put everything out and awaits the verdict. Wheein watches Hyejin assimilate all of her words with an impassive expression. Will Hyejin allow this secret to remain hidden any longer? Will she tell Wheein to go away and never talk to her again? Will she just slap the shorter girl in the face for all the hardship she has put her through? Wheein thinks she probably deserves the latter. I just hope she doesn't hate me. Wheein makes this wish to whatever celestial being who might be listening and continues to wait patiently. She would stay there all day if she had to.

Not yet knowing if it’s for better or for worse, Hyejin feels like she understands and can relate to all of the emotions Wheein has just laid out. She feels empathy towards the other woman and she mentally curses herself for it. Hyejin tells herself that she needs to put an end to the soft spot she has for Wheein as soon as possible, but it won't start now.

"I wouldn't do that, you know?” Wheein frowns confused and Hyejin explais. “Go over your head. It was hard enough delivering the news to you, I have no intention of doing it with one more person, let alone two."

"Oh, okay. I appreciate that." Wheein lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, but her feelings are still too confused to be managed right now