PART IV - (2/?)

Montreal, Quebec, CAN (1994)

Wheein hears the crowd cheering up but that's not enough to make her take her eyes off the cute bartender on the other side of the counter, who seemed to have finally understood her intention since she had just started to give her special attention as the opening notes of one of her favorites songs starts to fill the place, coming from the stage behind them. Oh, I love this one, Wheein thinks as soon as she recognizes the best of all Air Supply’s songs. For a moment she is glad that she’s accepted Roger's invitation to stay for the show, but everything comes crumbling down barely 20 seconds into the song:

"I know just how to whisper
And I know just how to cry
I know just where to find the answers
And I know just how to lie"

At the sound of that voice Wheein's whole body shudders. It takes a moment for her to assimilate what is happening, but once it hits her, she just knows. She knows exactly whom this voice belongs to but she doesn't believe it is really happening. It can’t be. 

“I know just how to fake it
And I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth
And then I know just when to dream”

She feels her stomach sinking and an electrifying pressure begins to break into her from inside out, top to bottom, hitting her heart and causing her breathing to start to fail. She’s no longer paying attention to what the bartender says, she just holds the glass so tightly that it feels like it will shatter in her hand. 

“And I know just where to touch you
And I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer
And I know when to let you loose”

It can't be real, can it? It doesn't make sense, it's been almost thirty years. She could just be confused or even imagining things, right? Maybe Wheein had too much to drink, that's probably it. She’s definitely drank too much.

“And I know the night is fading
And I know the time's gonna fly
And I'm never gonna tell you everything I've gotta tell you
But I know I've gotta give it a try”

But that voice? She would recognize it even if she were in the deepest coma. It could even bring her out of a coma, if that were the case. Why does the universe like to play this wicked kind of games with her? Is it all some kind of a sick joke?

“And I know the roads to riches
And I know the ways to fame
I know all the rules and then I know how to break 'em
And I always know the name of the game”

She has to make sure that she is not delirious so Wheein turns around slowly. She lifts her gaze ever so carefully toward the stage as if to avoid the moment as much as possible. It seems to take all the strength Wheein has left in her body to accomplish the simple task of not letting go of the glass of whiskey she still holds in her hand when she sees her, right in front of eyes: owning the stage as if it belonged to her is the woman who also owns her heart. Ahn Hyejin. In the flesh.

“But I don't know how to leave you
And I'll never let you fall”

Hyejin looks just as beautiful as the first time Wheein laid eyes on her or, if possible, even more. The most noticeable difference is that instead of the long hair, like she had in Chicago, or the red one from Mexico City, now her hair is black and shorter, in a breathtaking long bob. If Wheein's breathing was bad before, now she feels as if the air has definitely been out of her lungs.

“And I don't know how you do it
Making love out of nothing at all"

She takes a step back to lean on the bar counter for a minute. Although it still doesn't feel real to her, Wheein couldn't say that she has never thought about when she would see Hyejin again - but yeah, if anyone asked, she would definitely lie. She likes to think that she did her best to avoid this encounter but deep down she knew it was going to happen anyway. It was just a matter of time and the time has finally come. She just doesn't know yet whether it is for the best or for the worst.

“Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all
Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all
Out of nothing at all
Making love out of nothing at all”

However, the irony of this situation did not go unnoticed by Wheein: just like the first time they met, here is Wheein, once again, watching - completely infatuated - the most beautiful woman she has ever seen, who also owns her favorite voice in the whole world. Only this time, she feels as if she has to flee as fast as she can, but at the same time she wants to sit in the first chair in front of the stage and watch her forever. Or until Hyejin allows, at least. Taking into consideration everything that has happened between them, the other woman probably hates her guts.

“Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are
Streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight”

Wheein’s mind is running a thousand thoughts per second. It feels like every repressed desire, every ignored thought, every little aspect of her feelings that she has pushed down all of this time has come out from their prison and are now making a rebellion in her heart. 

“The beating of my heart is a drum, and it's lost
And it's looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness at the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright
I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know
Well, it's nothing 'til I give it to you”

And just like that every lie Wheein had told herself for the last three decades are now falling apart. No, she is not over her. No, she couldn't just go on with her life without having to deal with her feelings for Hyejin. And no, definitely not, she wouldn’t be able to make these feelings go away simply by not accepting it. It’s not how it works. 

“I can make the runner stumble
I can make the final block
I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle
I can make all the stadiums rock
I can make tonight forever
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn
I can make you every promise that has ever been made
And I can make all your demons be gone”

Wheein feels she has to get out of there; she will do something crazy if she doesn't leave. So she does what at this point seems to be the most difficult thing she has had to do tonight: she turns her back on the woman on the stage, leaving her behind one more time as she blindly heads for the exit. She has to go before Hyejin sees her.

“But I'm never gonna make it without you
Do you really want to see me crawl”

Going against every single fiber in her body e and doing the exact opposite of what her conscience tells her, Wheein can't help but stop at the door, looking back one more time just to make sure she's not hallucinating. She doesn't know whether to be grateful or frightened to find that she is not dreaming. Hyejin is as real as the glass which she only now realizes that is still in her hand. Noticing that it is still full, Wheein drinks almost all of the liquid like it was shot, but the glass is too full to be emptied at once. She doesn't take her eyes off the singer for a single second.

“And I'm never gonna make it like you do
Making love out of nothing at all”

It keeps hitting her like a bullet. Or an arrow, if she might. Whatever it is, it goes straight to her heart. She tells herself it's the alcohol, but the feeling that has been invading her chest since the music started is far from the familiar buzz of the whiskey. For a very brief moment Wheein feels Hyejin's eyes on her, but she blinks quickly, focusing her vision, and when she manages to return her attention to the stage, the singer has her eyes closed as she repeats the last line of the song with a level of emotion that only her could deliver. Wheein drinks away the rest of the whiskey before placing the empty glass in the hands of one of the security guys at the door and leaving without looking back.

A cab ride later Wheein is back at her apartment, taking a cold shower and grateful to know that the next day she will be able to go to her own apartment. Not to be ungrateful or anything but this is a kind of outbreak she needs to have with privacy, not on a couch at her friends' house. Wheein is also thankful for not finding either Moonbyul or Yongsun awake when she arrived. Only Ggomo was waiting for her, still trapped in the cage at the corner of the kitchen. She thinks about getting him out for a little while but the alcohol level in her blood is really high and she doesn't think she will be able to keep Ggomo contained, possibly causing troubles for Moonbyul tomorrow. So she just wishes him a good night and goes straight to the couch, head full of thoughts but too drunk to organize them. It doesn’t take long for her to be pulled into slumber. Wheein allows herself to fall asleep replaying Hyejin's performance over and over inside her head, providing her with dreams that she would not dare to say aloud.

When Wheein wakes up with a tremendous headache on the next day, the events of the previous night still doesn’t seem real. A part of her hoped that it was just a dream, that she would simply wake up and realize that she had only imagined it all. It would be easier that way, wouldn't it? But another small part of her - maybe not as small as she likes to think - is livid, anxious, and happy that the inevitable has finally happened. But a big “now what?” hangs on the top of her head now.

Trying to take her mind out of this she notices that unlike the previous morning, today the house is silent. Even though the smell of fresh bacon still travels through the apartment. Wheein makes her way to the kitchen and finds a variety of breakfast foods sitting on the table. A note on the side, in Yongsun's handwriting, explains that she and Moonbyul chose not to wake her up since she had arrived too late the night before, but that they were eager to hear all about last night once they came home. Of course they are interested in whether or not Wheein thought the artist in question was worth her time, but how would she explain the fact that the singer had stood her up and therefore, turned Wheein’s world upside down. Well, she won't. At least not for the time being. This is the conclusion Wheein comes to as she enjoys the black coffee her friend had just made. It helps to clear her mind a little.

Wheein doesn't like to keep secrets from her friends. She already has a big one on the list and she doesn't intend to add any anytime soon, but she doesn't see how to mention Hyejin without that old, haunting past coming to light. After the events that unfolded after her victory in the Olympics, Wheein quickly gathered her belongings along with Moonbyul and Yongsun and left Mexico without looking back. She told them a poorly and badly made-up story about having had a big fight with Hyejin and realizing that she was not the right person for her. The fight part, of course, is true, but the other half... yeah, it couldn't be a bigger lie. Moonbyul and Yongsun, on the other hand, had their own version of the story between them, not that they have ever shared it with Wheein. Both of them believed that the fear of commitment and trust issues was what drove the two of them apart, only they couldn't agree on which one backed down first. Moonbyul believed that Wheein is the one who wasn't ready to deal with the feelings she had for Hyejin, while Yongsun bet that the cause of the "breakup" was Hyejin, with all that stuff about not connecting with others immortals or whatever that was all about. Regardless of the cause, however, like the good friends they are they didn't question it. On the contrary, they were supportive of Wheein during the whole process, which was not easy at all.

Wheein has never been able to tell them the truth. Not only about what happened between her and Hyejin, but also about who they are and what their fate is. How could she look her best friends in the eyes and tell them that one day they would have to choose between the person they would fall in love with and the friends who have been by their side for all of their lives? That they would have to give up their immortality in order to be with the person they were meant to? She couldn't. She had already lost Hyejin, she knew there was no going back; she also knew in her heart that she would never love someone as much as she loved Hyejin, so she wouldn't take that risk with anyone else. So, what’s the point of telling them all of this now? Besides, she had never seen Moonbyul or Yongsun fall in love with anyone like that, so she wouldn't tell them about it unless something happened and it became inevitable. She feels selfish and even guilty from time to time, for hiding the truth from Moonsun, but deep down she really believes that she’s doing the right thing.

But now, with Hyejin coming back into their lives, things change, right? Or maybe not, it's not like Hyejin is going to tell them everything. But wouldn't it be better if Hyejin told them instead of her? Damn, here she is, being selfish again. Wheein mentally curses herself as her head aches again. This time she has no way out. She can't just pack up her things and move out of the country like last time -  she's not even kidding, she’s actually considered it during her shower last night. But she can't and she won't. They had just moved their whole lives here, to chase their dreams, and Wheein is not going to put it all away just because she's being a coward.

Nevertheless, she can't avoid Hyejin forever either. Moonbyul and Yongsun have business with Roger and now so does she. Hyejin works at The Palace so it is inevitable that Moonbyul, Yongsun and Hyejin are going to meet at some point, in fact, Wheein is quite surprised that this encounter hasn't happened before. As much as she wants to, Wheein can't run, hide or simply ignore this situation. They've come a long way to give up now, so she decides to do the right thing: she's going to make amendments.

She has to talk to Hyejin and clear things up. Apologize for her behavior in the past and at worst case scnario, Hyejin tells her to off and leave her alone. They don't have to be friends - of course not - but Wheein has to make sure that Hyejin doesn't tell any of her secrets for Moonbyul and Yongsun. She has to be the one to do this because she owes it to them, Wheein is just not ready for it yet. She just hopes that Hyejin doesn't hate her as much as she thinks - after all, she's given every reason to - and at least consider to respect this wish of hers.

But - and that's a thought that has been bravely fighting its way out of Wheein's mind, from how deep she's tried to hide it - what if she's wrong? What if Hyejin doesn't hate her, after all? Wake up, Wheein, it's been ing twenty eight years. It would be presumptuous to think that Hyejin still had any kind feelings for her, especially after the horrible things she’s said to the other woman. But still, if everything is the opposite of what she believes... would she be able to deny the love of her life once again? No, forget it! Keep it out of your mind, Wheein, it's not going to happen. For what feels to be likely the thousandth time, she forces herself to accept it. It's over, there's no going back. She couldn't go back even if she wanted to. 

"She sings every Thursday and fills in when we need it (...)" She recalls Roger's comment. So Wheein makes up her mind: she will return to The Palace on Thursday night and lay her cards on the table with Hyejin. It's settled. Oh, and she will also try to be slightly more honest with her friends this time. At least a little.

"How's last night? Do we have a new singer?" Moonbyul asks once she and Yongsun get home, way earlier than the day before, much to Wheein's dismay.

"She didn't go. I don't know why, but Roger was pretty mad."

"Really?" Moonbyul also seems upset. "He spoke so highly of her, what a bummer."

"What took you so long then? I didn't even see you coming home." Yongsun asks as she straightens some pads on the couch. The way she can't stand still makes Wheein a little dizzy sometimes.

"She didn't let Roger know until it was too late, and he had another performance to cover, so I stayed to watch." Wheein holds her breath without even realizing it.

"Are they any good?" 

"Oh… Aah..." She had a lie ready on the tip of her tongue, but she thought about the honesty thing she had promised herself earlier. "She was good..." It comes out almost like a whisper, as if she’s telling them a secret. "It was Hyejin."

"What?" Yongsun stops immediately and turns to Wheein and Moonbyul, who has just come back from the kitchen with some cookies, drops the package on the ground.

"Sorry." Moonbyul says retrieving the still unopened package. "I thought you said..."

"What?" Yongsun asks even louder, interrupting Moonbyul.

"Hyejin. I said Hyejin." Wheein ignores their stares. Both of them sit on the couch on each side of hers after exchanging a meaningful gaze.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Yongsun asks carefully.

"I don't even know what to talk about." Wheein is sincere on that point. "I saw her on stage and ran away, that’s all. I didn't even give her a chance to see me, I didn't know what to do."

"I'm sorry, Wheenie." Moonbyul says patting back.

"I think it's okay. I know you guys already know but... things ended really bad for us."

"Really??" Moonbyul tries to fake a tone of surprise but fails miserably, earning a scolding look from Yongsun.

“The months you spent in mourning after you rushed us out of Mexico gave us an idea." Yongsun explains casually. "I know you didn't want to talk about it before, but it's been... well, decades, Wheein. If she still has this effect on you I think you guys should..."

"She has no effect on me." Wheein claims without any confidence. "I only feel guilty because I was a jerk to her." She tries to make it better but Moonsun exchange one of those looks once again, talking without words. Wheein starts to get annoyed about it so she decides to play her half-truth, hoping to put an end to the matter. "I'm going to talk to her and apologize. Yesterday I got embarrassed and didn’t feel ready to talk to her just yet, but I've been thinking about it and I believe it's the best way out."

"Are you sure that's all?" Yongsun presses.

"Yes, that's it." Her tone is cold, she really wants this conversation to end. 

"Wheein..." Moonbyul starts but Wheein interrupts her as well.

"I know what you guys are thinking and it's not going to happen, okay? She works at The Palace now and we have business with them. I'm going to talk to Hyejin and work things out with her like the grown women we are and that's it, there's nothing else." Wheein hadn't looked at either of them in the eyes since she said Hyejin’s name for the first time.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay with this? Our priority is always gonna be you, so if you want to we can send to hell all the business we have with Roger." Moonbyul assures and Wheein's heart aches with guilt.

"No! It's okay, I promise." She answers quickly. "It will be good to put an end to this matter, after all. I promise I'll be fine, guys, you don't have to worry." She tries to pass on some confidence but none of them really buy it.

The truth is that in a way she really meant it. This conversation would probably bring her the closure she needs and, hopefully, the release of all the angst she has been carrying in her heart for all of these years.

Wheein takes the week off to organize her new apartment. Even with a thousand thoughts per minute she takes it day after day without freaking out, although she gives up and regains her courage at least twice a day during this whole process. By the time Thursday comes, she is fully settled into her new place and instead of staying at home, she goes to the record with Moonbyul and Yongsun, trying to make the time go by faster. She didn't want to just stay  home wondering how the night would turn out.

When the evening finally comes, her friends offer to go to the restaurant with her to keep her company, but Wheein politely refuses. This is one of those things she has to do alone, and since she doesn't know what Hyejin's reaction will be, she can't risk having the whole truth revealed in front of them. It is a simple situation of damage control. When she arrives at The Palace alone, however, she misses a funny comment that she’s sure Moonbyul would make if she witnessed how Wheein is acting now: looking all around as if she’s being chased by someone or as if she is expecting to spot a ghost right behind her at any time.  

Wheein made a point of going straight to the table she had previously taken the last time she was there: with a privileged view of the entire establishment and, most importantly, at a conscious distance from the stage, where what she assumed to be the first attraction was already performing. She hoped Roger wouldn’t notice her presence but, unfortunately, she had no such luck.

"How nice to see you back here so soon." He says as he takes a seat on the chair next to her, uninvited. "We don’t have any new attractions today, though. It's Thursday, I told you, right? This guy opens for María and she takes over the place for the night." 

"I know." She tries to answer but he doesn't waste a second before he keeps his ramble going. 

“But you liked María, right? I didn't get a chance to ask, you kind of disappeared the other night.” 

“Sure. Loved her.” Wheein replies before he can keep his monologue, feeling a clutch in her gut and doing her best to sound casual. "Today I'm only here for the food." She hasn't ordered anything yet and she’s sure she won't be able to eat anything tonight, but that’s the best she could do.

"As I always say, the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach. I'm glad I have yours now." He winks and thanks her with a smile. "I have some business to attend out of town so I won't be staying here tonight, but I'm really glad I had a chance to see you before I go. Let me introduce you to María, come on, she’ll be happy to know our scout is here." He stands and signals for Wheein to follow him.

"That's not necessary." She gets up quickly and interrupts him. "I'm waiting for someone, it's better if I stay here." Wheein lies once again and sits back down. She noticed that her reaction could look somewhat out of proportion.

"Oh, okay." He replies, clearly disappointed.

“I'll introduce myself later, don't worry. I think it will be better to surprise her, too. I want to try something out.” She feels like this is a better way to convince him.

“Whatever you want, Miss Jung. I hope you have a great night and I’m looking forward to seeing you again." In an act of far more formality than necessary, he takes her hand for a kiss and heads toward the exit. Wheein breathes a sigh of relief but as soon as Roger is out of sight she realizes that her hands are shaking. Yeah, if she's like that at the mere mention of her - fake - name she really has to get her together if she wants to have a whole conversation with Hyejin.

Once again she tries to rehearse in her own head, over and over again, what she is going to say to the other woman. Wheein makes a mental list of all the topics she should cover and not even two minutes later Hyejin pops up on stage. Her presence alone is ethereal and as soon as she reaches for the mic she earns the silence of every soul in the venue. Following the others in attendance, Wheein can't help but be utterly captivated by the beautiful woman on the stage. Then, before she could even realize, any and all traces of rational thoughts simply vanished from Wheein's mind.

"Good evening, everyone. How are you enjoying the show so far?" She asks in her angelic voice as several appreciative whispers fill the place. "I suppose you're looking forward to the main attraction, right?" The sounds of agreement grow even louder and some of the customers clapped to show their enthusiasm.

Wheein watches as Hyejin charmes the audience around the hall. All eyes are glued to the woman on the stage. Wheein couldn't judge any of them since she knows firsthand the effects of her power, but somewhere deep inside she couldn't shake the feeling of jealousy that infested her. One more for the list of which she will never admit.

"We will have a different attraction today, though." Hyejin says, this time heaping some protests from the crowd. "I have to admit that I'm having some voice problems today and so I won't be able to perform.” Her steady tone made it clear - at least to Wheein - that she was lying, but she doubts that anyone would question it. “But I brought someone to fill in for me nicely. She’s very talented and is looking forward to entertaining you tonight: please give a warm welcome to my friend, Yeh Shuhua." Following the instructions, not daring to do anything other than what Hyejin has told them to do, the audience claps as a vaguely familiar woman walks onto the stage while Hyejin disappears behind the curtains. Nevertheless, Wheein feels disappoin