On the first week of school, Eunbi tried. She really did. Her roommate, Jihae, who was a bubbly and extremely beautiful girl, was more than helpful in giving her ‘fashion advice.’ Eunbi’s cheeks flushed when she didn’t know the difference between a lip gloss and a lip balm. Jihae (thank the Heavens for her) was extremely patient, and even offered to do Eunbi’s hair for her

An hour later, Eunbi walked out of their dorm, feeling slightly confident of herself. It wasn’t that Eunbi had ever been a self-conscious person, but the slight change in her appearance made her more aware of her movements than she usually was. Her brown hair was neatly braided in the back with a little flower clip-on on the side. Jihae even offered her to use her latest Chanel perfume. Eunbi forgot the scent, only that it had some French name she couldn’t pronounce if she tried enough.

All the way to her first class of the day, Eunbi couldn’t help but scratch the nape of her neck. She didn’t know why she was trying to impress Jongin when he’d most likely forget about her anyway. He never got her number; never visited her outside her dorm, and Eunbi was smart enough to know that Jongin was just friendly.

Exactly, that was what he was. Friendly and playful – like Baekhyun. Their clique consisted of equally friendly and playful like Jongin and Baekhyun, people who actually liked socializing for more than ten minutes.

Eunbi envied the way they could easily win people’s hearts like that, hers included. But at the same time, she felt a little stupid for trying. Of course Jongin wouldn’t notice her. She didn’t doubt that one day his circle would grow bigger and bigger. One day, he’d meet a girl far more interesting than she was, and he’d forget about their first interaction.

Still…Jihae helped her. She could at least do her best and get on with it.

Eunbi got to class with her head ducked down. She walked all the way up to the back of the hall, making sure she was right next the window where she could stare at anything else when the lecture got too boring.

She came early to class as usual. She wanted to have time to settle down before the lecturer came, and her chin was settled in the crook of her palm. Around her, her peers were chatting and laughing with one another. They already made friends and found people of the same interests. Some had already joined clubs or even became new members of a fraternity or sorority. She knew, because one girl approached her the other day, encouraging her to ‘step out of her bubble’ and become their ‘sister.’

Eunbi politely declined. They had their separate houses and even the luxury of their own kitchen, but Eunbi liked Jihae. Despite Jihae being a funny and loud girl, her aura was chill enough that Eunbi enjoyed her presence. Jihae was enough. If Jihae were to be multiplied by a hundred more girls, though… Eunbi wasn’t sure if she would like that.

Her foot tapped the ground as she hummed to herself, waiting for class to begin. Considering that it was only an introductory week to all the classes, a lot of students didn’t take it seriously. They savored the remaining days of their freedom. They partied, slept in, or even just skipped class to go somewhere else altogether.

Eunbi would’ve done it, except her conscience weighed down on her that she went every day. The lecturer lit up at the sight of her being present all the time, and she would smile at her awkwardly before making her presence unknown at the back of the class. She’d take down notes occasionally, then be lost in the wild dreams her brain procured.

Today would be the final day of the introductory week, however, so her peace and silence would be threatened. The students who finally had to accept their university life was starting would now come in class, including Jongin.

The mere mention of his name had her swallowing. came out dry and she uncapped her water bottle, downing the drink to get rid of the jittery nerves. She hadn’t seen him all week. Aside from Baekhyun, who she witnessed flirt with a senior (Jihae made a bet that the senior would turn him down.) But lo and behold to Baekhyun’s ‘god-like appeal’ that he and the girl were now dating.

Eunbi snickered at that. She wondered how easy it was for them to go on dates like that. But then again, Eunbi was never the type to get hit on. The only person who actually flirted with her was Baekhyun, although that didn’t count since the guy would eye anyone with a pair of legs.

She couldn’t help but wonder about Jongin. Where was he? What did he do when he wasn’t in class? Was he hanging out with Baekhyun? Was he bumping into other people too? Did he think about her? Does he even remember her?

Eunbi almost laughed at that. Maybe she was getting too ahead of herself. She had to remind herself that they were only friends – although it was more of an acquaintance to Eunbi since she doubted she and Jongin labeled friends the same way – and nothing more than that. That was right. She was his friend, and he was someone she had a tiny, little, molecular crush on.

That was all. No need to get worked up about it, right?

Just as Eunbi leaned back to her seat, a guffaw of high-pitched laughter echoed. Her gaze travelled down to the front door, where Baekhyun had his head thrown back in laughter at something Jongin said. His arm was wrapped around Jongin’s shoulders, the latter with eyes crinkled and nose scrunched at their inside jokes.

Eunbi felt her heart skyrocket. Jongin looked radiant today. His hair was swept back messily, as if he ran his hands through it several times. He wore a dark brown sweater that hugged his form beautifully, but his smile. His teeth were displayed and his cheeks rounded at the happiness that burst through him. He looked beautiful.

As if feeling the heated gaze of someone on him, he turned his head in the direction of the hall, eyes darting from one person to another. His smile weakened, although it was still intact, and his eyes gleamed with curiosity. He was no longer listening to Baekhyun ratting his ear off. Jongin was searching for someone – for the culprit that bore holes at his existence.

With widened eyes, a frantic heart, and cold, clammy hands, Eunbi ducked her head down. Her head was buried in the comfort of her arms, her nose brushing against the pads of her arm. Not a moment later, she could hear Jongin laughing with Baekhyun again.

He didn’t see her.

And Eunbi wasn’t sure if she liked it or not.

If only knew Eunbi knew earlier how weird it felt to have a crush, she would’ve stopped growing feelings for him sooner. She was never the type to focus much on others. She liked watching others, but more on just looking and never really noticing. Oftentimes, she would space out in the distance, her mind running a mile a minute. There was no need for a proper destination. Eunbi thought about the oddest yet simplest things.

One day, she would be wondering what the sun would look like if he was a person, or asking herself if the moon was a woman. Something about its alluring yet haunting beauty pulled her in. While Jihae snored at her side of the room, Eunbi’s elbows were propped on the window ledge.

Her head was directed right at the sky, eyes wide and bright as the moon reflected in her eyes. Eunbi would stare at it for hours on end. Her earphones would have lofi playlists on repeat, her fingers drumming at the ledge occasionally. Sometimes, she’d sit right at the window, back flat on the edge and feet swinging below her.

For the thousandth time, she wondered if her mom was the moon. She wondered if she was as bright and beautiful like her father described her to be. If her mom really was the moon, that would make Eunbi happy. She remembered going in car drives with her dad, gasping to herself when she thought the moon followed her everywhere. Eunbi would grow frustrated that she had no place to hide where the moon’s big, googly eyes couldn’t follow her. But the older she got, the more she fell in love with the idea that her mom was always watching over her like a guardian angel.

When she was a little girl, her classmates would talk about how their parents were superheroes. Eunbi was different. The moment she stepped in front of the class, she would show them a moon globe her dad got her. Her missing teeth were visible from her wide grin, and proudly, she would say, “My mom is the moon! She is the light in our darkness!”

They would look at her in confusion, while her teachers cooed at her innocence. Looking back at it now, nothing much had changed. She lost her dad, but at the same time, she was happy waking up every day didn’t feel like a pain to him anymore.

She had enough of running back to the hospital ever after school, only to see that her dad grew weaker every day despite the medications. His condition had gone so severe. Not even chemotherapy could help him. When Eunbi woke up from the side of his bed, the hand under hers cold and unmoving, she didn’t cry.

Her dad passed away blissfully. And she was sure that before he left, in the midst of her dreams in her slumber, she felt his cracked lips press a kiss to her head.

That was enough for her.

That night, the night sky was sprinkled with stardust. Stars glimmered and painted the black canvas, making the pale white moon glow even more. Eunbi found herself smiling at that. She believed her Dad was the vast array of stars, and now he found his way back to his beautiful and loving wife.

People felt bad that Eunbi was left all alone, but she didn’t mind as much as she used to. Her parents were now free of pain and suffering. Why would she want them back when they’re happy together now?

The fact that the stars and the moon were always there for her meant they never left for her. Love never left you – it will always be there one way or another – and Eunbi curled up in bed every night, thankful that she had them to always look out for her.

She loved the moon and the stars too much, that when the sun began to shine down on her, she was a flurry of emotions.

Back then, she’d be lost in her own little world. Everyone’s voices became background noise, their movements and gestures nothing but a blurry vision. Eunbi never stared ahead or hid her face away. She simply existed, lived, breathed in the moment.

Until one day in her freshman year, Jongin entered the cafeteria.

Eunbi always sat near the fields. She liked the feeling of the sun warming her skin, making the top of brown hair look almost red. Her teeth would sink down the crisp apple, a small moan leaving her lips when its juices slipped past her lips, coating with a sweetness only love could make. The fresh breeze of morning hair would brush past her hair, bringing along Jihae’s perfume to her senses.

It was perfect. It was simple. It was peaceful.

Eunbi enjoyed the little things.

But when Jongin came, his friends in tow, she stopped eating. Her attention was effortlessly caught by the young man who struts in. As usual, his cheeks were pulled up in laughter. His deep voice reverberated through the place. It was impossible since he sat at least twenty feet away from her, in the centre of the cafeteria where he was surrounded by the bustling sound of everyone’s laughter and teasing.

Yet Eunbi couldn’t see anything but him. She couldn’t hear anything but the softness of his voice, the amusement in his tone, or the love that poured from his words. Her eyes squinted when sun shone down on her shoulders before it skimmed inside. The light filtered through the windows until it reflected to Jongin.

Eunbi completely forgot her apple.

Sitting there, in the centre of the room, was the centre of her world. Jongin’s golden skin melted like gold when the sunlight hit him. His sharp jawline was sharpened when he howled in laughter, hands slapping his knees, and his eyes turned an impossible shade of brown. No, it wasn’t even ‘just brown.’ It was the color of the earth that gave birth to blooming flowers, or the image of cream mixing into the aromatic blend of coffee.

How was it possible that a man put the sun to shame by shining like that?

Eunbi’s hands itched to pick up the pencil hidden in her bag. Her hands were already stained with ink and lead, unaware that her nose also had a smudge of ink on it. Her legs bounced up and down under the table as she stared at him. Never more in her life had she felt the urge to draw someone.

She wanted to keep him like that. In the middle of everything, surrounded by people who were nothing but side characters in his story, and making the sun look nothing like a prop light. Jongin was no star or moon. No, he was light and the sun himself – of warmth, of honey dripping, of golden twinkling skies on a bonfire at the beach.

She wanted to keep that image of him living forever.

And by the time Jongin felt her gaze on him again, he saw nothing but a half eaten apple on a lone table near the exit. Something about its aura pulled him to stand on his feet. With a mumbled excuse, he left his friends, peering curiously at the item. Under the apple was a folded paper. When he opened it, he saw a golden version of himself staring back at her.

Eunbi hid from behind a wall. Her hands clasped the edges as she watched his lips tug into a smile. Joy burst from every fiber of his being. Jongin looked around, desperate to find the mysterious admirer, but Eunbi was gone.

As Jongin walked back to his seat, Eunbi trudged to her dorm with a heavy weight in her chest. She didn’t understand why she did that. To get inspiration from something or someone was normal, but to have such a strong desire to do that? The adrenaline from ripping his sketch out from her pad and leaving it at her seat had her hands shaking. Eunbi was never like this. She was never greatly affected by someone’s presence.

If only knew Eunbi knew earlier how weird it felt to have a crush, she would’ve stopped growing feelings for him sooner. She was never the type to focus much on others, but now? Now her head – and quite possibly her heart – zeroed in on nothing but Jongin.

And he remained unaware to it all.

As Eunbi began to see the world in a different way, it brought on many surprises. She found it funny that for someone who looked at things a lot, she wasn’t the best observer. Maybe that was one of the reasons she was extremely awkward to hang out with during high school. Eunbi couldn’t just read body language properly; she didn’t notice them at all.

After having Jongin become a significant part of her day to day life even with the distance, Eunbi noticed a lot more things. Like how Baekhyun wasn’t as confident as he seemed to be. She saw it from the way he would stammer whenever he couldn’t answer a question in class, or how his ears would turn redder when the lecturer only shook his head. And contrary to her belief that he and his clique were the most sociable people, Eunbi noticed that they actually kept themselves.

They would be chatting with other people every once in a while. It could be someone they sat next to, someone they were partnered with, or even a peer they shared interests with. In the end, they would come back to their usual group of friends. They were loud, the focal point of everyone’s attention, downright beautiful – but also untouchable.

Eunbi knew all this because she was part of the majority that only looked at them from afar. It wasn’t just her, though. There were far more beautiful girls who gazed at Jongin admirably. There was a huge difference between Eunbi and those girls, such as the fact that as much as she wanted to talk to him, she was content with watching him from afar. There was a certain peace in knowing she felt so strongly for someone who wouldn’t notice her. She felt safe, her silence undisturbed, and unlike her younger days, she no longer felt the need to have him look at her that way.

He was Kim Jongin, and she was Choi Eunbi.

It didn’t matter that she thought of him whenever she gazed at the sun, or if thoughts of his smile would cloud her during lectures. It didn’t matter, because there, in the chambers of her own heart, Kim Jongin was not the charming guy they couldn’t have. Tucked deep in the abyss of her soul, Eunbi’s feelings for him were pure. There, they were in a different reality.

He would be just Kim Jongin, the sweet boy with a kind smile, and she would just be Choi Eunbi, the girl who painted him during the times she wasn’t napping because she believed there had been no greater art than him.

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