Nobody has said a word since Tiffany’s confession as they exited the conference room.

When the doctors ended their shifts, they went home without saying goodbye. The air was still quite tense and Taeyeon felt bad that she might be the reason for it. She asked for Jessica’s personal number from the employee records before heading to her apartment. The managing director occupied Taeyeon’s mind throughout the evening, sympathizing with her and finally seeing things in her point of view. She thought she knew her because they had a special relationship back then, but Jessica wasn’t the same as she was before.

Only Krystal knows about her second job in the hospital. Is she really practicing medicine on her own without her parents knowing?

She was staring at her phone screen for over a minute, thinking about checking up on her junior or not. They haven’t exactly talked about what happened a few hours ago, neither about the past. Taeyeon was the one to suggest about them being in a “casually seeing” status, as they’re not the type to be in a committed relationship at that time—would texting her be considered rushed? She drifted off to sleep minutes later.

The sun rose for another day, its sunlight leaked through Taeyeon’s blinds. For physicians, they wake before daylight. There was a period of momentary quietude in the ER where it’s the least busy and it generally varies between hospitals. Neurosurgeons such as Dr Kim are normally up before rounds at six. But she’s Dr Kim, she would work on her new research in her lonesome. However, things have changed. At least, about her perspective in certain things. She had seen how honest Jessica was during that stressful time the day before. Under pressure, Taeyeon either runs away or drink until sunrise. Jessica really was not the woman she knew.

For once, Taeyeon arrived to work late, which earned an applause from Hyoyeon, Sunny, and Yuri as she entered the hospital. Actually, she was still rather early. Talking to Tiffany should help ease her mind. Her intentions are a bit selfish, she admits, but Tiffany was her first real friend and roommate. She doesn’t deserve to suffer in guilt.

An intern ran up to the fellow before she reached the elevator, going up to Tiffany’s floor. “Dr Kim, you have a referral from Dr Seo Juhyun’s clinic,” Taeyeon’s index finger hovered over the ‘up’ button.

“Do you have the patient’s name?”

“Eun Haneul, 11,”

“She’s back?”

The intern shrugged. Taeyeon called Seohyun from her phone.

“Seohyun-ah, anything up with Haneul?”

“She was referred to me by another neurosurgeon, so I brought her to you. Unnie, she’s presented with malignant GBM with 11 rounds of chemo,” concluded the pediatric surgeon with concern.

She sighed. “I’ll see what I can do. Thanks, Dr Seo,”

“I wish you luck, unnie,”

Taeyeon ended the call as she walked towards the familiar faces in the waiting area, giving them her welcoming smile concealing the worry in her eyes.

Eun Haneul has a history of thoracic scoliosis. Every spinal fusion she had, Dr Kim had always been there, either as an assistant surgeon or moral support. She had always loved kids and Haneul is a joy. Although, this visit doesn’t look good.

“Dr Kim!” They exclaimed as the child sprinted to hug her favorite doctor.

“Hey, soccer champ,” she giggled while hugging the kid.

“Dr Kim, you’re so pretty today!” complimented Haneul, beaming at her.

The surgeon crouched down, seeing the kid eye-to-eye. “So do you, babe!” She pinched her cheek and patted her beanie-covered head. She stood back up to speak to the mother.

“Ms Eun, I heard from Dr Seo,” she said dismally.

“We’ve run out of options. You’re our only hope,”

Fear and angst overtook her face after she heard the last sentence. She’s just a fellow and they already trust her with a child’s life. It would be best to say no, right?

"Are you sure about this?"

"Please."

--

While Haneul was being prepped by the nurses for an MRI, PET, and CT scans after a neurological exam, Taeyeon went over to the lobby where Hyoyeon was currently busy chatting away with the nurses at the reception desk. From neurosurgeon to another, it’s important to talk about their cases once in a while. Although Hyoyeon is an amazing doctor, she doesn’t seem to know how to separate her career and personal life.

“Dr Kim,” she greeted as curved into a bright smile. “I didn’t see you at the Pilates studio the other day.”

Before she could respond, there was a resident at the side stifling a laugh. Taeyeon’s face brightened once she recognized the all-too-familiar sound, pushing her worries aside.

“What? Is that so unbelievable?” she joked, seeing how Jessica was in a good mood.

“No, sunbae,” she snickered.

“I do work out!”

“I can see that,” Jessica said as she gave her a once-over. “I just couldn’t believe it,”

Keep this up and I might fall in love with you again.

“You’re not too bad yourself, hoobae,”

“What the hell?” cringed Hyoyeon.

“Oh, that reminds me!” she blurted in excitement. “Dr Jung, are you free for a laminectomy tomorrow?”

Jessica pointed a finger at herself. “Laminecto- ME?!”

Her senior laughed and shook her head yes. The corner of the resident’s mouth lifted into a wide smile. “O-of course, sunbae. I’ll make sure to clear my schedule for tomorrow,”

“Great. See ya,” Taeyeon waved goodbye at her two colleagues and walked off.

“You guys are gross,” commented Hyoyeon lightheartedly.

Jessica walked proudly with no location in mind as the smile never left her face. It felt like she had won the lottery. Taeyeon, contrarily, was headed to radiology to see the scans. There was a cystic mass in the left parieto-occipital region, over 4cm in size.

--

One of the many things Sunny and Taeyeon have in common is the inability to express their emotions. The self-loathing and insecurities, mostly; and violent reactions are their façade. When Dr Lee overheard about Jessica’s near-dismissal, she felt remorse dawn on her. She deeply empathized with her dorm mate’s sufferings five years ago, perhaps she judged her junior too carelessly. Feeling too rattled, she invited Jessica for a drink after work and clear her conscience.

Was it a good idea? Should’ve she had chosen coffee as their choice of beverage instead? The intensity of their hangover the next day should answer her question.

“Jessica-ssi, I think you’ve had enough tequila,” she spoke softly, taking Jessica’s shot glass before it touched .

She downed it instead, shaking her head at her coworker’s state. For someone who loves drinking, Jessica doesn’t appear to hold her alcohol well like Sunny.

“Why didn’t you invite Dr Kim?” slurred the drunk woman, eyelids drooping.

“I’m here to apologize,” Sunny repeated for the nth time tonight.

“You already did,” she hiccupped. “We’re already good, sunbae.” She said with her eyes closed, mouth forming into a close-lipped smile.

From the corner of Sunny’s eye, a slim, manly figure sauntered towards their table. She groaned. The young man has a fried yellow hair. He has multiple piercings on his ears and is wearing a red lip tint. An idol trainee.

“Excuse me, may I get your number? You’re really pretty,”

“Okay, dude—”

“I have a laminectomy tomorrow,” Jessica yawned, unwittingly defused what was about to become a bar fight between Sunny and the idol trainee by muttering her most awaited schedule tomorrow, rendering the two confused.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that…” The boy felt terrible.

“She’s actually the surgeon,” informed Sunny as she caught the hilarious change of expression in the boy’s face, fighting the urge to snicker. His mouth formed an ‘o’, getting the context. “Now move along,” She shooed the trainee off who apologetically bowed before jogging back to his seat.

Jessica just about dozed off the exact time Sunny paid for their drinks. She lightly shook her unconscious colleague but to no avail. Her phone? Sunny took Jessica’s phone from her sling bag and clicked the power button. Facial recognition. Great.

She calls up Taeyeon.

--

The typical state of perfect chaos with deafening silence crossing over the neurosurgeon’s mentality obscured the grayscale world. Like fire and ice, the ER in its busiest was completely muted and replaced with nothing but Haneul. Alike from five years ago, her hands that heals or kills a person, felt numb. Entirely useless like the nerves were ceased off its function. The wound can heal but the body will remember the pain. In her psyche, quietude emerged from the external chaos. It feels as if she truly belonged in this void.

Maybe she shouldn’t have considered apologizing to Tiffany. She shouldn’t have gone friendly to Jessica again. She shouldn’t have made a promise to do everything she can when she couldn’t. She deserved to be left alone to drown in her self-pity. Haneul deserved a better doctor. Processing her passing didn’t come after breaking the news to the child’s mother.

Right. Haneul’s mother. She couldn’t check up on her, she didn’t deserve to. Facing her right now is probably the last thing the mom needed.

Taeyeon’s conscience was nagging her after the surgery. Her friends were cautious about bringing up the past every time, and her change in attitude affected her juniors. It’s as if everything was centered around the neurosurgeon. The pain and trauma she experienced, she used it excessively as justification for her rash actions. It wasn’t so much as her being the victim, but everyone around her being victimized because she chose to play the card. Empathizing with Jessica made her look at herself in the mirror.

She ruined her own career.

Her phone lit up with Sunny’s missed call. Thrice. She was hesitating to pick it up.

She shouldn’t have to do it again.

The fetal surgeon texted her location first then sent multiple messages.

“taengoo jessicas drunk”

“hey shes drunk”

“idk where she lives and her phone is locked”

“don’t tell me ur drunk too…”

Her body felt heavy as lead, eyes refusing to close and there were no tears coming out. But Jessica needs her. Raising her arm took a lot of energy, yet she managed to unlock her phone and respond, even when she happens to be the slowest typer alive right now.

“i don’t have my car with me”

Sunny replied, “ok we can call a cab”

Taeyeon clicked the power button off and exhaled loudly as if she was blowing out birthday candles. She tried standing up but she kept falling down with every inch she’s off the ground. She was practically glued to the floor as her back to the door. Maybe it’s the world telling her that there’s no point helping someone she had wronged.

Does she even need Jessica’s forgiveness? She contemplates for a few minutes. Everything’s pointless anyway. She can’t decline Sunny’s request even if she wanted to. Taeyeon gave in at the end, taking the bus to fetch her ex. Totally normal, after finishing her most stressful surgery.

She arrived at the dimly lit bar; antique dark wood armchairs paired with a low coffee table decorated the interior, giving the place a very enigmatic ambiance. Good enough to somewhat restore Taeyeon’s enegry because the hospital’s harsh fluorescent lights almost gave her a shock after exiting the dark on-call room. She approached the two doctors with apathy.

“Taeyeon…?” Sunny stated questioningly, seeing her friend’s zombie-like apperance. “Is there anything wrong?” She got up from her seat and laid a reassuring hand on Taeyeon’s arm.

“Nothing,” she dismissed the subject by waving her hand like she was swatting off a fly. “I don’t have her address either, by the way.”

“What? You came here to tell me this?” she exclaimed.

“You know we can’t just leave her here,”

“True,” Sunny pondered with her lips pursed. “How about your tiny apartment? What do you say?” she grinned, shaking Taeyeon’s arm.

“No.”

“I’ll cover your shift.”

“Sunny, we don’t work in retail,” Taeyeon pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’ll take her home.” she conceded.

Sunny called a cab “to be fair” before immediately running away and leaving the couple on the bus stop. Taeyeon didn’t dare to move an inch as she was afraid of waking up Jessica who was leaning on her shoulder.

This was not the night she intended.

When they “dated” in the past, they haven’t gone this close. A couple of pecks, maybe, sometimes with tongue. Just haven’t gotten intimate because of how busy they were and only finding time for each other at work.

Taeyeon’s heart rate suddenly increased and she felt her body becoming hot. This was a new territory and all Jessica did was get drunk and hit the sack which was apparently sufficient enough to let her senior have her mind racing. Before she accidentally wakes her, their ride appeared. Taeyeon almost yelled in gratitude to the sky. She gently patted Jessica’s soft cheeks and brought her arm around the smaller woman’s shoulder to support her walking a few steps to the vehicle.

Not long after, they reached Taeyeon’s apartment.