“Everything alright, ladies?”

“Dr Young?” blurted Taeyeon, her eyes were practically popping out of the sockets. Everyone in the room was in the state of shock and confusion at her entrance.

Is it normal for Tiffany barge in like this?

Her smile dropped and the air in the room changed. “Chief,” she addressed her politely.

“You two,” the chief wagged her index finger to Taeyeon and Jessica. “We’ll continue this later,” The two doctors looked at each other in bewilderment and exited the room separately. Taeyeon approached to Sooyoung while Jessica went back to hide in the on-call room.

“What just happened?” questioned the neurosurgeon after leaving the room.

“Beats me,” Sooyoung replied. “You know you should follow Dr Jung.”

“Why should I?” she asked as the pitch of her voice went higher.

Must there be a reason? Her hatred for Jessica was quicksand; since her study was first denied of a grant five years ago, blaming and loathing the former financial manager was all that kept her afloat. Subconsciously, she thanks her, she wants to be friendly with her again. But, like a tumor, this emotion, if taken out after years of infecting its host, the body has to adjust itself without it. It’s a hatred so deep that asking Taeyeon to forgive the person who ruined her career was like oil and water.

It was impossible yet she unknowingly defended Jessica. She wasn’t in any influence—be it alcoholic or social—it was pure. No one asked her to, she just did it. As someone who studied brains for almost two decades, she thinks this goes beyond science.

Sooyoung only glared in response and Taeyeon grunted, subsequently giving in. She proceeded to go to the nurses’ station and ask Jessica’s whereabouts. Yuri walked up to her.

“Hey, have you seen Jessica?” she asked the attending general surgeon.

“She’s probably in the on-call room,” answered Yuri. “Hey, I heard what happened. Are you guys okay?” she added after a pause.

“I guess so. Tiffany somehow has a hold on the chief and Jessica’s dismissal was postponed just like that,” shrugged Taeyeon.

“Hm,”

“You don’t mind if I see her, right?”

“What? Of course not!” Yuri laughed, shaking her head. “Talk to her already,” she shoved her friend to the direction of the room. Taeyeon, stumbling, was now facing the door, hesitant to knock. Should she just be upfront or be respectful to her junior for once? She already caused her enough problems. Perhaps she’s regretting ever losing her temper with Jessica.

She thought mulling over her own actions right now was pointless. She knocked without thinking anymore. No response. Taeyeon gently opened the door and found Jessica wearing earphones with her face buried in her hands, mumbling the lyrics to herself.

“Mind if I come in?” mumbled Taeyeon timidly. The resident looked up and nodded listlessly. Her superior quietly sat down as she waited for her cue to speak.

“Dr Kim,” Jessica sighed, bringing her hands to her knees and her eyes fixed on the ground.

“Hm?”

“Why did you help me out?” she was now focused on Taeyeon whose eyes were filled with guilt.

“Must there be a reason?” she spoke as if it was a natural thing to do, when in actuality, she recently fought with herself over prioritizing her ethical code or her pride behind the door.

“Thanks,” The corner of her lips twitched upward, forming a small smile of gratitude. Taeyeon returned it.

“Are you ready to go out?” Taeyeon held Jessica’s frail hands that she unconsciously likes touching half a decade ago.

She faintly nodded, standing up from the bed, and walking behind her superior as they left the room. All eyes were on them, judging, questioning their relationship in light of the news. Jessica imagines the worst case scenario: her two careers ending up in flames as her past was gossiped around a vending machine on a coffee break. Each hypothetical rumor was weighing her down, tightening the invisible rope around her neck and compromising her blood flow and thoughts. She squeezed her eyes shut, same as the grip on Taeyeon’s hands. Taeyeon squeezed back, telling her that she’s right here.

“Taeyeonnie?” Sooyoung saw a woman behind the neurosurgeon. “And Jessica-ssi?”

Like a kid, she opened one eye, peering behind Taeyeon while her hands were still holding onto hers. Once Jessica had seen the empty floor, she released the grip on her hands, standing properly to greet Dr Choi.

“Is Fany still talking with the chief?” Taeyeon asked.

“Yeah, too bad you missed her throwing a tantrum,” chuckled Sooyoung, remembering the image of an angry blonde woman shouting at an older sunbae with a stunned expression, unable to respond to her yelling in English and Korean.

“Should we go to the other conference room?” proposed Taeyeon, pointing to the empty room next to the occupied one where a furious Tiffany was arguing with the chief. The three of them went inside, followed by Sunny.

“Hi, Dr Lee,” greeted Jessica, slightly scared. Sunny surprisingly waved back (or at least, raised her hand as a salutation) and closed the door behind her.

“Dr Jung, I’m sorry for mistreating you,” muttered the fetal surgeon. Jessica cocked her head to the side. “Look, the rumors spread fast here, okay?” she spoke quickly, heading to one of the chairs and take a seat.

Jessica chuckled softly. “It’s okay, Dr Lee. I forgive you,” she said. Sunny gave a genuine smile.

Someone knocked on the door. Tiffany came in, smiling as she arrived.

“What did you do?” grinned Sooyoung, already knowing the news through her friend’s expression.

“I stopped them from laying off Jessica-ssi,” she boasted, sitting down at the conference table. The room went silent, an unlikely reaction for a great news. “What’s wrong?” her smile dropped as she saw their blank faces.

“You didn’t blackmail the chief, did you?” asked Taeyeon, worried.

“I would never do that,” Tiffany objected, sighing. “It would be easier if I come clean,”

“About what?”

Tiffany clasped her hands together on the table and inhaled. “I’m currently in partnership with Jessica-ssi’s foundation,”

Silence filled the room once more. This time, for an understandable reason. Tiffany was too preoccupied in helping out Taeyeon’s then-unlabeled-but-casually-seeing/nemesis that she might have picked the wrong time to address her secret association with her rival’s company. She can’t avoid this like she usually did.

“Long story short, I collaborated with them to create my own NPO, which hopefully explains my buying stocks in the hospital,” she admitted, maintaining eye contact with her friends.

“No, it doesn’t,” disagreed Sunny.

“Is that why you left your practice?” wondered Sooyoung.

“No, leaving them was my idea. I just missed doing surgeries,” she explained.

“Fany, why would you do this?” Taeyeon whispered in disbelief, trying not to shout at the first friend she made in med school.

Was money really all it took?

“I admit, it wasn’t very practical of me, but you’ve seen how long I’ve tried to establish a foundation as big as the Jung’s on my own. I understand what you went through, Taeyeon-ah, I really do. I was selfish—I guess I still am. I’m sorry, I should’ve said something sooner.” apologized Tiffany as she now realized how difficult this must be for Taeyeon. She was her friend, but she had forgotten to consider her emotions instead of planning an escape plan for herself.

Taeyeon had mixed feelings. It’s like she’s in a Romeo and Juliet scenario. Detesting the Jung Foundation was already set in stone and her romantic feelings returning was contradicting it. Tiffany knew that this was her Kryptonite, yet she proceeded to use it, thereby losing Taeyeon’s trust. It was for a good cause, she kept convincing herself. But no one can bring a crumbled piece of paper back to its original form.

Everyone felt the air in the room growing thick, afraid to move a muscle. The neurosurgeon spoke with her eyes, quivering and glossy, giving Tiffany an answer to her apology. It was neither a forgiving nor an accusative gaze, but one that is honest. The blonde woman caught her message and brought her head down in shame.

--

According to neuroscientists, your pupils dilate when prompted by an emotional stimulus such as fear or love. The surge in hormones from romantic attraction affects the pupil size. Additionally, regions in the brain that anticipate rewards, namely, the mesolimbic dopamine pathway, light up in a form of increased blood flow when shown in an MRI scan. That’s basically what Jessica’s brain would look like as she gazed adoringly at the surgeon in pensive silence, deliberating her next move before the patient bleeds out. She was head over heels and it took her more than a month to accept her true feelings for Kim Taeyeon.

Truthfully, while the quote-unquote ‘lovers’ were managing their job and seeing each other, the thought of getting Taeyeon the grant she needed had always slipped her mind the second she sees or thinks about Jessica. She was always the first to text her ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight’ which prompts the other to call and talk about senseless subjects for hours, stalling from going back to reality.

It had been four weeks since she first visited the hospital to observe the research applicants, getting closer to the dreaded date of accepting proposals. She received an email from her superior, asking to discuss the surgeons whose studies were going to be funded. It was as challenging as she had imagined.

“I think the research about stimulating the prefrontal cortex using D₁ agonists in working memory was really interesting,” she said, politely handing the proposal to her senior. “I think Dr Kim found a solution to manage the dopamine antagonists which should allow someone with schizophrenia have an operative cognitive function without causing Parkinsonism and the like.” she implied, anxiously chewing on her bottom lip.

“’I think’,” her sunbae repeated. “How do you know so much about this?” He asked, noticing Jessica’s overzealous stance in the study.

“Oh,” she gasped as if she was just caught red-handed. “Dr Kim was the only person who explained it in simpler terms, so I actually understood her whole research.” The senior finance manager nodded, not really listening to her response.

“That’s too bad. We’re not wasting charity money on this,” he threw the paper away from the pile of approved ones. Jessica felt her heart sank when it hit the table.

“W-why not?” she stuttered, perplexed. He didn’t even read the title, it’s like his decision was already fixed from the start.

“Miss Jessica, you’re Mr Jung’s daughter. You should know what’s best for the business,” he emphasized, almost yelling.

“You’re denying it because it’ll taint the foundation’s image?” scoffed Jessica, twitched into a crooked grin, laughing mockingly to herself.

The senior finance manager’s eyes burned with vexation after hearing Jessica’s tone and sarcastic chuckle. She had always walked on eggshells around her seniors in her father’s company. She practically owns the place, but she was very respectful. Was. He wondered who or what broke the woman. Has the pressure finally caught up to her?

“Miss Jessica, I advise you to leave now before I notify your father,” he demanded, pointing to the door.

--

“Jess, I’ll talk to dad,” reassured Krystal, her sister, over dessert.

“I’m good,” she lied, playing with the leftover food on her plate.

“I’ve seen how your relationship with Taeyeon unnie develop over time,” she said. “You’re really giving up on her?”

“I can’t let dad threaten her, can I?” deadpanned Jessica, immediately regretting her reply. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap,” she sighed disappointingly at herself. Krystal brushed off her sister’s unintentional retort, getting more worried about her disposition.

“Let me help, at least,” Krystal conceded, knowing her answer by now.

Jessica shook her head no, breaking eye contact and returning to stare blankly at her messy plate littered with cake crumbs and chocolate syrup.

“Don’t tell me you’re agreeing to marry ‘that’ guy?” gagged Krystal as she was reminded of Jessica’s soon-to-be-husband.

“Please let me worry about breaking the news to my not-girlfriend first,” she begged. “Can we get some red wine?”

Jessica called Taeyeon at 3AM, slightly drunk from a few bottles of Merlot. Curiously, she agreed. She walked to the convenience store in her oversized hoodie and jogger pants and instantly recognizing Jessica’s hair that was covering her flushed face glowering at the empty cup ramyun.

“Sica, you’re up late,” Taeyeon pointed out. “And drunk?”

That’s weird. I thought she hated drinking.

Her face lit up as she heard the familiar voice, giggling as Taeyeon took a seat next to her by the window.

“Taengoo-yah,” she hiccupped. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but you didn’t get the grant,” Taeyeon froze, her face drained of color after stomaching the sentence.

She first thought Jessica asking to meet up with her in a convenience store at three in the morning was simply a date, not straightforwardly telling her the worse news she had ever gotten in her career at this drunken state.

Her eyes welled up, feeling various emotions at once. She took one last look at Jessica’s face before storming out and texting Krystal.

--

Jessica, hungover and ashamed, warily visited the hospital the next day to apologize. Her mind was foggy and most of the things she knew from last night was reiterated by her sister as told by Taeyeon. In short, she doesn’t really know what she did, but saying sorry should be a start.

She felt weird going empty handed. Bringing a gift is practically a bribe while bringing nothing seems like she doesn’t care. Luckily, Taeyeon likes coffee.

“Taengoo, I bought you a latte!” chirped Jessica as she ran towards the blonde who was reading something at the deserted nurses’ desk.

“I already have mine,” she said, lifting her cup, with her eyes still glued on the patient records.

“Taeyeon, I’m really sorry for whatever I did last night,” she apologized, putting the wasted coffee on the desk.

“Jessica,” her eyes locked onto her brown orbs, then darting it away, looking down at her shoes. “We need to stop—”

“I love you!” sputtered Jessica. Taeyeon’s eyes remained steady, warranting no reaction to her sudden confession of love—whether it was genuine or her last resort to save the already doomed relationship.

“We’re done, daeri-nim,” shot down the resident, using honorific titles from when they first met.

“I’m really sorry, I wasn’t supposed to tell you yesterday,” she said, almost pleading.

“And you didn’t have the decency to relay the news sober?” stated Taeyeon harshly. “You think what I’m doing is a joke?”

“I promise you, it’s not like that—”

But she liked her.

“But I liked you,” she thought out loud. “Don’t come back, Sica,” Taeyeon walked away with the medical records, leaving Jessica and her coffee in sheer disorientation.

Jessica felt hopeless, she couldn’t convince her. She walked to the nearest tent pub that night, ordering her first soju and cheap udon. She laughs, seeing how she had many ‘firsts’ since she started not-dating the surgeon: first not-girlfriend, first time she got drunk, first bad breakup, and first time she’s going to try local street food. It was apparently her “lowest”, Taeyeon would’ve made fun of her for only trying the foods now.

Taeyeon has a new solo surgery scheduled in a few hours, feeling angry and nervous at her operation. She’s usually calm. Now shouldn’t be the time she feels any emotions like this. It’s just a simple carotid endarterectomy, she’s an ace. No pressure.

“We’ll just clamp the carotid artery, make an incision, and take out the plaque,” smiled the resident with feigned confidence to the guardian.

But no one expected the patient to be hypotensive during the procedure.

The low blood pressure increased the risk of intraoperative ICH or intracerebral hemorrhage, leading to Dr Kim’s first patient death.

She blames it on herself, her false faith in her talent, and ultimately on Jessica and the Jung Foundation.

Taeyeon’s best friends from med school, all seven of them, tried everything to comfort her. Nothing worked. Not even the attending surgeon helped her accept her mistake and move on.

“Taeng, any surgeon would’ve made the same mistake as you did. No one expected that to happen,” comforted Yuri in the pitch black on-call room where Taeyeon was curled up in the corner.

“Have you seen where Dr Kim went?” asked Sunny to one of the interns, a week after Taeyeon lost her first patient.

“I think she went to work on her research,” they answered.

“Dr Kim burned her dissertation in the lab,” an intern remarked. “I also saw a pack of cigarettes there,”

She still hasn’t recovered, neither has the financial manager.

The couple stopped texting and calling each other since their last meeting. It was Taeyeon who always messaged first and Jessica who called afterwards, but neither of them did so for the last few days. Frankly, they were too scared to text first. Both of them thought the other didn’t care anymore. But that’s not the case, they were always waiting for the notification.

Days turned to weeks, turned to months. Eventually, they stopped waiting. Maybe it was for the best.