Silence.

 

There was silence.

Of all the possible situations I expected to be in, this wasn't one of them. The unforeseen silence was too deafening that it felt like we were in a different world but on the same ground as the people around us. It felt as though we were stuck in a bubble that we were trying to escape from, but none of us was actually trying enough.

I knew my words seemed like they stemmed out of jealousy, coming off my mouth unexpectedly that even I was shocked with my sudden outburst. As much as I was baffled when he dragged me out of the café to ask me that question, I was more stupefied at myself for feeling a sudden sting on my chest when I saw him with a woman. I wasn't supposed to feel that way.

The coldness in his eyes disappeared when he gazed at me. He now looked calm, but the pain in those brown orbs was too obvious not to notice. However, it was a different kind of pain this time; it didn't look like the one from when he showed how hard it was to act in secret, or that of when he talked about not wanting to lose his grandmother. I knew it wasn't the same, but I can't figure out what kind of pain it was.

"Were you just pretending all this time?" His voice was soft and too fragile that it sounded more like a whisper. I didn't understand the context behind his answer but judging from how he spoke, it seemed deeper from what I expected.

I knew I was jealous no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I wasn't, but it was harder to make myself believe I didn't get hurt for seeing him like this, especially that I was the reason behind it.

"What do you mean?" I asked. I managed to compose myself after that long silence. However, the tension between us still remained.

When I didn't answer, he took a deep breath, like he was about to say something he profound. "I know it hasn't been long ever since I met you, but I already saw changes in myself that I didn't expect would happen. When I saw you cry when we lost our patient, my passion in this job sparked so brightly that it made me realize that being forced in this career wasn't too bad after all. But when I found out you hated..."

He stopped. Right then and there, I knew what he was trying to say.

I never thought that the ideology I came up with would take a toll on someone. I never even pictured myself justifying my philosophies in life–why I believed in them, or better yet, why I was trying to believe in them. 

My friends were the only ones who knew about it, and I think I knew who told him. Perhaps that friend also didn't expect telling him that information would hurt him somehow. I didn't have an excuse because I just came up with it for no reason at all, not knowing that it could hurt someone in the future. 

"I'm sorry." I looked up to him with apologetic eyes. It was just proper for me to apologize because although it wasn't done out of malice on my part, I still hurt him. I wasn't entitled to his own emotions–how he should feel and how he should deal with them. Once you hurt someone, justifying your actions would just mean insincerity. 

"For hurting you; for making you feel this way. But never did I ever pretend when I was with you," I continued.

He took me by surprise when he stepped forward and encircled his arms around me. I felt unexpectedly warm...and protected. He wore a different perfume this time; nevertheless, he smelled so good still. He rested my head against his chest because he was way taller than I was, and it made me hear the way his heart was beating against my ear.

"I'm sorry, too." His embrace became tighter and I unconsciously found myself hugging him back, making me hear his heartbeat better. I already knew what he was sorry about even though he didn't tell me.

"Patient name, Kim Seonho, 27/M from Seoul. Chief complaint is tachycardia1 but no heart murmurs2 are heard. Other vital signs are normal with no other notable findings found." He just laughed when I went medical on him. It was true though; his heart was beating so fast.

And I unconsciously found mine going along his rhythm. 

"You should take responsibility for it." Yeah, I should.

I was about to say something but we were startled when someone spoke so loudly near us. "Perfect!" she exclaimed. It was the woman Dr. Kim was with earlier. 

Right, I almost forgot about Junghae as well so I'll probably just explain to him later. I was so caught up in the situation that his presence completely slipped off my mind.

"Are you two dating?" she added. I can't help but notice how her voice quality sounded like she was a TV announcer or something; it was so good.

"We're not." 

"We are."

It then occurred to me that we both answered at the same time. He then looked at me with a raised eyebrow, questioning my denial with his sharp eyes. An unprecedented bicker was about to take place but the woman who I didn't know let out laugh. 

"You must be Kang Hanna. It was my first time meeting Seonho-ssi today and he can't stop talking about you so cut the chase and just date him, will you? We don't want to marry each other, anyway."

Wow, she had that swag. She looked so confident and she seemed like the person who wasn't afraid of speaking out her thoughts. Looking at her, it was like she always had everything her way. Once she didn't like doing something, she won't.

She then grabbed her handkerchief and began wiping fake sweats on her forehead, locking her hair behind her ear in the process. "I brought us here in this café to get out of that ty dinner, thinking I will see that cute guy from last night but turned out he's not here. Ugh, this is so annoying." 

She got her phone out of her purse and looked at us. "I'll have my driver pick me up. Enjoy your first day as a couple."

Dr. Kim excused himself for a few minutes because he said he was making a quick call. When he came back, I hid how awkward I felt, especially when he held my hand and accompanied me back in the café to collect my things because he said he wanted to take me somewhere. We both apologized to Junghae for leaving just like this but he said there was nothing to worry about. 

I only had the chance to process everything that happened when we were finally inside his car, going to the place he said he would take me to. I opted to leave my car there since they were open 24/7 so it was safe. 

I didn't know the woman's name, but all it took was to see her with Dr. Kim for me to realize my real feelings. I thought I was doing fine even though he was ignoring me, but turned out I just did a good job at masking what I truly felt because the idea of him being with someone else didn't really cross my mind once.

Finding out he was bound to marry her got my thoughts clouded with what-ifs. Their refusal to pursue with the marriage wasn't much of a help at all to calm the chaos in my head. It made me feel sad and uneasy, like in a blink of an eye, he would just slip off my life that easily. Why did parents like to plan their children's lives as if they were their own?

As if reading my mind, he grabbed my hand and rubbed it, with his gaze still on the road in front of us. His touch was gentle, enough to free me from the trap my trepidation put me in. "I won't marry her."

His words were simple, but just enough for me to trust him. He brought our linked hands close to his lips and gave mine a soft kiss of reassurance. I was stunned by his sudden action but I managed to keep my cool. 

However, I lost it when he gav