Spring equinox and summer solstice–we were in the middle of them. I rolled my cart full of luggage out into the exit and breathed in the pleasing scent of spring in Seoul. Finally, after two long years. I felt like this was my season of new beginnings. After passing through that desolate road two years ago, I came back with a quiet, gentle, and peaceful heart. 

 

My departure changed me a lot. Aside from the learnings I acquired from my fellowship in London, I've also quiet mastered the art of putting my own happiness first, above all else. Seoul was the place where I got hurt a lot, but it was still home, and because it was, I will always come back.

 

I threw myself on the backseat of the car, finally feeling the exhaustion slowly creeping in my system after enduring long flight hours. It was 5:30AM in London and 2:30PM in Seoul. I still had a hard time adjusting with the time difference although I tried it first during the flight but to no avail. 

 

My parents had no idea I was coming back today, and not next month. I kept it a secret because I wanted to surprise them. My fellowship ended earlier than expected so I immediately booked a ticket, just in time for my sister's high school graduation. I've missed a lot of her important milestones in life ever since I got into medical school so I did not want to miss this again.

 

Aside from my parents, my friends also weren't aware of my early comeback. I knew they were busy with their work so perhaps I would just casually show up in front of them soon.

 

My brother was the only person who was aware of my arrival so he organized an intimate dinner for us. He told me he had been wanting to tell everyone but he promised not to. Old man was too excited to complete his "bullied sisters list." I can't believe he's a CEO with that frustrating attitude.

 

The house was surprisingly quiet when we arrived, with a few of the helpers fixing things here and there. They were all surprised to see me in advance but with a few hushes, they knew what I was trying to say.

 

"Hanna-yah!" It was my nanny. I called her grandma. She hugged me so tight I thought I crushed my trachea. She told me how happy she was seeing me home because the last time I saw her was almost a year ago when she came along with my family to London. 

 

She was actually supposed to go with me to London but I refused. I told her I wasn't going to be home most of the time so she would just feel bored and sad in the apartment. She wanted to come because she was worried I wouldn't eat properly so to ease her mind, I sent her photos or videos of food I cooked to calm her and let her know I was eating. It worked, though.

 

"I'll help you fix your clothes," grandma told me. I told her there was no need to do it. I knew she was more tired than I was by watching over Erin. I didn't want to bother her with things I can do by myself but she insisted on doing so. Grandma had served our family for decades already. She was my first and only nanny who took the huge role of taking care of someone who wasn't even her real granddaughter, and now she was doing the same to Erin. This household indeed became brighter with her presence.

 

My room still looked the same. Grandma told me she had been personally cleaning my room ever since because she wanted me to come home to it the same way it looked like when I left. Somehow, I felt like there was still one more thing that didn't change about me, though it was as weird as it sounded for it to be a room. 

 

I did not have much clothes to unpack because I donated most of them to avoid the hassle of bringing a lot back home. I just kept the ones I felt like keeping because there was no use keeping those that weren't of good use anymore. Grandma and I just talked about London and how I was holding up. Those two years were harder than I expected but it felt great to finally do things for myself, and I was beyond proud of it. She even told me she would definitely cook for me every single day because she missed two years of doing so.

 

Suddenly, it felt quiet in the room. I looked at her and saw the same expression she had a year ago when she visited me. I knew what she was trying to say. I knew what she was going to ask. I wanted to avoid it again, but with grandma, I couldn't.

 

"Whatever's on your mind, my feelings remain the same." I stopped folding my clothes and stood up, walking over to the window that overlooked our garden. I saw flowers, many of them. There was a sea of pink and blue hydrangeas, but blue ones dominated them. Flowers used to give me comfort, but at one point in my life, they didn't anymore.

 

"Why do we have so many hydrangeas?" I couldn't resist the urge to ask.

 

"I just thought they were beautiful, so I had the gardeners plant them," grandma answered me. She couldn't even look at me when she spoke. She knew what I was thinking.

 

I didn't pry further because they were just flowers. They could plant whatever they liked. Well actually, they planted whatever grandma liked. My parents didn't really mind what flowers were on our garden as long as it looked beautiful. For me, it looked ugly. Daffodils should've been the better choice.

 

The clothes I brought home didn't fill my closet enough so I was planning on buying new clothes tomorrow. I just hoped Erin would be finished early with her graduation practice so she could tag along. She knew fashion better than I did.

 

I didn't have time to sleep because dinner was set at 6, so I had to leave at 5. I just took a quick shower and changed into some more comfortable spring clothes which were also appropriate for a formal dinner setting.

 

My brother was supposed to pick me up but he bailed out on me the last minute because he had something to finish. He was supposed to leave work at 4 but he was out minutes after 5 so I had no choice but to ask someone to drive for me.

 

I was escorted to a private dinner room and was actually the first one to arrive on purpose. There was cake on the table which, according to my brother, I was supposed to hold and lights would be dimmed as I waited for them to enter. When did he get so cheesy with stuff like this?

 

I got the signal from a waitress so I positioned myself a meter away from the door so they could easily see me when