I can't believe I cried in front of him, and I can't believe he found me that day when I was obviously hiding! It made me feel embarrassed every time the way I cried in front of him kept flashing on my mind. He even lent me his handkerchief. Ah Kang Hanna, what a mess.

 

It was the first time someone–other than my family and friends–saw me in such a vulnerable state. I did not like showing my weakness to others who did now know me that much but I can't do anything about it anymore because it already happened. I just had to deal with it.

 

To be honest, I was deeply devastated that day. I couldn't stop thinking about the boy – how he had such a bright future ahead of him, how he still had things he wanted to do, the university he would go to, and many others, were just gone in an instant. Most of all, it was the hardest on his parents, especially on his mom who literally begged us to save his dearest son, but we, doctors, could only do so much.

 

If only we could heal all our patients in a snap of a finger, we would, but reality would immediately be in the picture that we couldn't. We can't save him because his post-op complications were getting out of hand. We managed to stop his brain herniation1, but he started to worsen after. He developed respiratory insufficiency2 with petechial rashes3 all over his body. His blood gases4 were rapidly deteriorating. He also developed pulmonary failure5 in such a short time that even the ventilator6 and corticosteroids7 did not help him at all. We detected pulmonary embolism8 in his lung tomography, and then...we lost him. 

The thing I hated the most with my job was declaring a patient's exitus9. It scared me at the same time because I couldn't imagine telling a patient's family they would not be with their loved one anymore, forever. It was just too much to bear but at the same time, this kind of situation was too inevitable.

I was just standing behind Professor Kwon when he talked to the family. It was too heartbreaking for me that I could not even look at his mother's eyes. I felt guilty and helpless all at the same time. I knew encountering deaths were part of the job, but doctors are humans with emotions, too. 

 

For the rest of the week, I didn't see Dr. Kim that much. I saw him sometimes at the ER when I tagged along Professor Kwon every time NS was needed but that was it. We just casually nodded or bowed whenever we crossed paths because we were also handling different patients. 

 

He also started parking in front of the ER. I saw his car every time I passed by to and fro the underground parking so we didn't run across each other at the elevator. It wasn't like it bothered me that much. It was better that way, anyway.

 

"Where's my coffee?" I asked Seojun even before he got to place his tray on the table. I was with him, Jongsuk, Bogum and Soohyun because Minyoung was busy. She said they had too many outpatients and that she was too tired of standing so she couldn't join us in for lunch. Well, good for her because she didn't have to feel the discomfort of having hospital staff look back or stare at your table for too long for sitting with men who fit their beauty standards.

 

What the hell was to like for with these men anyway? Seojun and Jongsuk were too crazy for their own age to begin with. They were the loudest and liked to bicker with each other that sometimes I just wanted to throw them across a wall to shut them up; Soohyun was too serious you'd feel a black aura around him every time. Sometimes I just didn't want him to speak because his words could hit you at the right spot; and Bogum was the clone of the three of them that sometimes I can't understand him at all. He liked to complain about noise as well he should just live inside a library.

 

This was always the case even back in med school. People liked staring at them for giving off the "good-looking-men" vibe every time they were around. It was too sickening. Yeah indeed they looked good, but because I was friends with them and that I knew even their nastiest attitudes, they didn't seem that different and special at all. 

 

I can still remember how we became friends. It was just days before the beginning of the second term and my mom and I were hanging out at the mall, buying some stuff I needed for school. I told her there was no need to accompany me anymore but she insisted on doing so. 

 

Minyoung happened to be there as well with Jongsuk and Seojun. They came up to me, telling me to go have drinks with them later tonight at Jongsuk's place with the other guys – Soohyun, and Bogum. She was my closest in class because we sat at the same table, and though that was the case, she managed to be friends with them as well.

 

My mom heard it and I was surprised when she willingly told me to come and hang out with them because I needed to enjoy the rest of the break before stress and cramming ensued. While I knew who the other guys were as we also talked in school, we weren't really that close to begin with. I thought it would be awkward to do so, but Minyoung kind of like 'begged' me, which didn't seem like it was her personality at all. 

 

Talking about Minyoung, she was the first ever person who talked to me when she arrived late in our Anatomy class during the first day because the only vacant seat was beside me. She wasn't usually the type to be friends with women because according to her, even her high school friends were mostly men, but somehow, we clicked. That was then the start of our friendship.

 

Joining them that night was one of the best decisions I had ever made because I had lots of fun with them. Most of us ended up getting drunk and I didn't feel awkward at all. They made me feel welcome and I had never felt so carefree. I can also remember Minyoung marking Jongsuk's bed as our territory for the night so others had no choice but to sleep on the floor or on the sofa.

 

The stereotype that women being friends with men meant they were up for something else or men drinking with women meant they had other plans should not even exist in the first place.

 

With them, I felt so safe and I will forever be grateful for them for being there to annoy me my whole life.

 

I was glad my mom forced her way into accompanying me that day and for allowing me to join them with no hesitance at all. She was so happy knowing I had friends because she thought I was just studying all the time with no social life at all.

 

When I went home the next day, I was complaining of a bad hangover but my mom just laughed at me. What a great mom, right? She told me it was my fault for drinking too much and that I should not let my dad catch me. Before she left for work, she brought some soup and Advil up to my room. She was sweet, after all.

 

Seojun put my coffee on the table with a frown on his face, seeming like it was too big of a loss on his part. "You're damn rich but you can't even buy your own coffee!"

 

I smiled at him in between my chews. "It isn't my fault you had such a huge crush on me that you started giving me free coffee almost every day in school and now I can't live without it."

 

He seemed to be taken aback by my sudden reminiscence that he almost choked on his own food. He looked at me with such disgust on his face and said, "Can you stop bringing that up? That's my biggest regret."

 

"Oh really? Can you also remember your dilemma, thinking about what coffee Hanna would like?" Bogum suddenly butted in, which made Soohyun and Jongsuk laugh and cringe at the same time.

 

Jongsuk suddenly mimicked Seojun by putting his fingers on his chin and stared intently at his food as if they were canned coffees Seojun used to choose from. "Caramel latte? Americano? I think she would like caramel latte more? Or should I just buy both?"

 

"Yah!" Seojun slammed his chopsticks on the table, looking so red perhaps with disgust from all the mockery they did. "If I knew she was like this I wouldn't even have a crush on her!"

 

I sipped on the coffee he unwillingly gave me and flipped my hair in the process. "I