April 18, 2018. Spring. 

          Seulgi received the offer for the student exchange programme to the US. It was one of her dreams to be accepted for the programme because she loves adventures and discovering new places. Places away from her home country. Somewhere out of her comfort zone. 

          Well, in fact, at that time, she actually needed time and space for her to clear her thoughts too. She felt that her feelings for Irene had gone way too deep inside a hole that she could never find the way out of. She was starting to feel scared. They should've just stayed as best friends, and she was not supposed to develop feelings for her best friend. Seulgi felt that she needed time away from Irene, to make whatever she was feeling to be gone by the time she came back from the US.

          Seulgi still had around two months before her scheduled flight to the US. She still had time to think all these through, she could choose not to go. She wouldn't have gone if she was not afraid of her feelings. She would choose to stay with Irene, to not waste any time she could spend with her. 

          But Seulgi knew she was a coward. Those days and those nights, when she tried to push away her messy feelings, it just became bugger to the point that she was not able to push it away. She realized that she had fallen in too deep. She didn't even know when the did she fell so deep into the dark hole called love. She discovered she was in big trouble when she started to think about the possibilities and the impossibilities. 

          What if she ruined their friendship when she confesses? 

          What if Irene strays away from her, thinking that it is weird for her to be falling in love with her best friend? 

          What if Irene shuts Seulgi from her life, not wanting to see Seulgi anymore? 

          All these what-ifs made Seulgi afraid. She was afraid of telling the truth to Irene, she did not want to lose Irene in any way. She would rather stay as best friends with Irene than losing her at all, even though she was dying from all the feelings she desperately wanted to share with Irene. 

          So Seulgi wanted an escape. 

          Maybe her feelings weren't real at all. Maybe it was because Irene was always affectionate and caring that made her think that Irene was treating her in a special different way. 

          She wanted an escape to get rid of all those stupid feelings at once. 

          So...two years will do, right?

 

          June 26, 2018. Summer. 

          Seulgi and Irene had planned a whole day hang out by themselves before Seulgi flew the next day. They went cafe-hopping, tried out all the famous desserts they had seen all over their social media, stopped by food stalls to devour as much street food as they could, took as many photos as possible, and just simply enjoyed their time together. 

          Everything was going right. 

          For the first time in a while, Seulgi was able to feel the companion of a best friend instead of a possible lover. Seulgi was happy. She thought that maybe the cupids were playing with her before this. 

          Everything was going right, until when they were at Han river, their last stop for that day. They planned to just get their dinner there, get a few drinks and neatly end the day. Eating cup ramen, bickering about ice cream flavours, and drinking a few cans of beer. 

          Maybe it was the second can of beer that made Seulgi a little tipsy, a little too much for her that when she turned around to look at Irene, she felt as if the world had stopped turning. She felt as if she was the one that was turning around her world, which was Irene. She felt as if she would do anything for this lady beside her, and felt as if she would do anything to protect her world from getting any harm. 

          Seulgi knew from the moment they met that Irene would grow up to be a beautiful lady but , has Irene always been this beautiful before? 

          Seulgi's heart started to increase its pace as she kept staring at Irene, who was just staring blankly at the river in front of them. Seulgi blamed the alcohol. It was the alcohol that made her put her guards down again. 

          As Seulgi was trying to sober up from her drunken thoughts, Irene suddenly scooted closer to her and she laid her head on Seulgi's shoulder. Taken aback by the sudden contact, Seulgi sat upright and put down her can of beer on that flat ground to avoid spilling the liquid inside because of immense shaking. All Seulgi was able to think of at that moment was, damn, irene could definitely hear her rapid heart beating at this point. 

          And all Seulgi felt like wanting to do was to turn her head around to place a peck on Irene's forehead. 

          "Let's just stay like this, alright?" Irene spoke up, breaking Seulgi's chains of thoughts. Seulgi ended up just nodding her head and again she blamed the alcohol for the sudden courage to put her arm around Irene to pull her even closer, tucking Irene comfortably in her neck. She doesn't know if it was only in her dazing thought, but Seulgi swore she felt Irene smiled so she herself can't help but smile as well. Irene sighed contentedly and she closed her eyes as she settled herself in Seulgi's embrace. 

          "Why are you so stiff?" 

          Irene asks with a giggle, breaking their silence after a few minutes. 

          "You initiated the hug and you're this stiff?"

          The tease in Irene's voice was evident but she didn't seem like she was going to move even an inch away from Seulgi even though Seulgi's body was rigid like a rock instead of comfortable like a pillow. She liked the warmth Seulgi was providing her, and the scent that was smelled ever so often, the comforting scent that made her feel safe wherever she is. 

          "I'm not." was the only thing Seulgi was able to blurt out as she was flustered by the sudden comment from Irene. She was feeling hot all of a sudden and she tried to put down her arm from Irene's shoulder but Irene was quick to catch her falling arm to put in on her waist instead. 

          "Your arm may be sore but don't take the warmth away from me. It's getting chilly." 

          "Irene," Seulgi suddenly calls out, and Irene knew it was the tone Seulgi used when she was about to talk about something heavy. 

          Irene hummed in reply. Surely the thing Seulgi was about to talk to her won't be that serious, but she still opened her ears fully to listen to whatever Seulgi was about to say. Maybe Seulgi was just trying to recite the farewell speech she has been secretly practicing at home. 

          "Please don't," Seulgi chuckled nervously but a sigh followed after, not knowing what was happening to her and once again maybe it was the alcohol's fault because she felt like everything that happened to her the past ten minutes was just too much for her to handle. And the blame was definitely on the alcohol when she suddenly felt the need to pour out what she has been keeping in her heart all this while. 

          "Please don't be like this," Seulgi tried to look straight in Irene's eyes when she felt that Irene was looking but failed to even maintain good eye contact as her feelings had been too overwhelming for her. 

          "Please don't be like this, because I like you. It's a little too much." 

          Seulgi knew it was risky of her to say it out loud, to confess her feelings to Irene but she was damn hell ready to face the consequences when she decided to do so. She doesn't know if she was going to regret her choice, but at that moment, she just felt like she needed to let it all out. It was a 'now or never' kind of moment for her. 

          "What," Irene swallowed once, trying to ask Seulgi to explain what she meant, "What do you mean?" 

          "I like you." 

          "Of course you do. I do too."

          "No, Irene," Seulgi stopped midway when a tear broke out and she wiped it away, "I like you, but not as friends." 

          Silence came after Seulgi's confession. The air was becoming harder to breathe in. The atmosphere felt foreign. This was not how it was supposed to be, at least not between them. Since when have they ever felt this strange energy with each other before? 

          Seulgi let out a nervous chuckle. 

          "I know I was not supposed to, I know it's not right," Seulgi tried to look at Irene with her tear-filled eyes, "and I know you don't feel the same way, but it's okay. It's my own feelings and I should know how to wrap it up well, but I can't seem to do it. Not when you're always around, not when every single thing you do makes me fall harder, not when every single one of your actions makes me think that maybe there is hope." 

          Seulgi sighed and looked away from Irene. Seulgi has never felt this painful while looking at Irene before, but she felt like a needle was piercing through her heart with every word she muttered out. It was kind of unbearable, she wanted the pain to stop, but she couldn't help but pour out whatever word she had left to say, to make the pain last for only that moment. Or so she hoped. 

          "I don't expect you to do anything and I don't expect anything for saying this either, and I know things might change between us after this and I know the timing for me to spew out all this nonsense but," Seulgi stopped for a while to catch a breath and she can see from the side Irene was looking at her but she didn't dare to look back so she continued, "I still don't want to lose you as a friend. If that is okay with you. As long as I still have you by my side." 

          "Seulgi, I-" Irene stopped midway to take a deeper breath as it was becoming shaky as time went by, "I'm sorry if my actions have led you on. I'm really sorry but I don't know about this." 

          Seulgi knew exactly how Irene would respond but it was even more painful that those words actually came out from . It was even more painful that she got to experience it in reality. She kept the pain but she hoped that Irene would not continue any further, to say more things that might feel like a slap across her face. 

         "Honestly, I was just trying to escape. Escape and return refreshed and renewed." 

          "I thought I would be able to escape from you and wash away my feelings for you but I didn't think I would confess to you like this, right before I was able to escape. Seems like I don't have any way to escape from you anymore."

          "Was I really that much of a burden to you that you want to run away from me?" 

          "W-what?"

          Out of all things Irene would've said, that was really not one of the things Seulgi had expected. 

          "What are you talking about? What do you mean?"

          Seulgi turned to look at Irene with confusion written all over her face. She did not at all think that the conversation would turn out this way. 

          "Having feelings for me might have been wrong but was it really that hard that it burns you down?" 

          "What? You're just saying anything now because you don't know how it feels." 

          "Maybe it was not even feelings you have for me-"

          "What do you even know about how I feel? I know my own feelings well. You don't even know how much it could eat you up, your daily life, in your sleep, and it comes back again whenever I want it to go away. It's not something I could easily control." 

          "I," Irene scoffed awkwardly, not knowing what to say to Seulgi. What Seulgi said was indeed correct. 

          "I-I don't know, Seulgi. Maybe we should just be friends, instead." 

          Irene said honestly to Seulgi and looked like she was ready to get up and go. 

          "Let's just remain in this friendship and not go over that line, alright?" 

          And maybe that was the thing Seulgi had wanted to hear from Irene all along. Confirmation of where they should be, a confirmation of how Irene feels towards her. And Seulgi wouldn't lie to say that it didn't hurt when Irene had clearly drawn the line between them. 

          Just friends, nothing more. 

          "Safe flight tomorrow, Seulgi. See you soon." 

          Irene felt bad that she had to leave that way, leaving Seulgi alone on the grass field when she was still crying, still trying to recover from the heartbreak that she had given her. But she too, can't stand the fact that being in the same space as Seulgi would be painful to her. She wanted to comfort Seulgi but what was she supposed to do, afraid that she might give Seulgi a silver ray of hope again. 

          And it was dumb of Seulgi to anticipate another text from Irene right before her flight or to see a glimpse of her in the airport giving her farewell and wishing her safe journey when she knew well that it wouldn't happen because it might be too soon for them to act and pretend like nothing had happened the night before. 

          It hurt a lot that she had to leave her home with swollen eyes and a heavy heart but she knew it was not the end for them as Irene did say to see her soon. Irene's exact last words to her, and she knows that Irene is not one to go back on her words. She keeps her words and whatever she says will do, she will. 

          Holding on to those words, Seulgi still hoped that she would get a surprise text from Irene from time to time but both were actually cowards to actually make the first move. Both were always on the brink of sending their "Hi" texts but stopped right before their thumb reached the send button. 

          The game of typing "Hi" and deleting the message they played had been going on for those two years Seulgi was away and not one time they had actually succeeded in playing the game. 

          A total mess. 

          Seulgi finally made up her mind that she would only find the courage to talk to Irene again when they met face to face. She made this decision when they were already at the airport waiting for their flight back to South Korea. She was not sure if what she thought of was actually an early or a late decision to make. 

          The long flight had Seulgi on the edge of her seat. She was not able to sit still and she was too nervous to think about meeting up with Irene again. She practiced a few lines she could think of upon seeing Irene over and over again that even her seat buddy in the plane told her to tone it down as they were trying to sleep. 

          Seulgi was feeling restless but she could not give up because it was her own decision to have the courage to talk to Irene first the first thing she stepped her feet back to the campus. 

          And when she finally saw a sight of Irene, the one person she had been longing for, the one person whose name had suddenly felt weird rolling off her tongue but one she could never forget. Her palms were sweating in excitement, nervousness, and anticipation when she finally found her voice to be calling out for Irene. 

          "Irene!" 

          Seulgi called to her once, hoping that Irene was able to hear her despite the crowd, but she knew that no matter how loud the environment was, Irene was always able to hear her out. When Seulgi saw that Irene had actually really stopped on her steps, she smiled. So she can still tell it was my voice among all these people talking and chatting, Seulgi thought. 

          Seulgi put her hands up and she waved aggressively. 

          "Irene unnie! Irene unnie! Irene unnie! I'm here!" 

          It was weird to Seulgi that she had to use 'unnie', because they decided that they were close enough for that but Seulgi thought maybe she should just use it for that time, hoping that it might earn more of Irene's attention. 

          Seulgi admitted that maybe she sounded a little too desperate at one point, but she doesn't even care about being desperate anymore because she indeed was and she won't even hide the fact that she was desperate. 

          When Irene turned her head around left and right to look for the source of the voice, Seulgi knew at that moment that Irene was desperate to look for her as well. Seulgi reassured herself that things might go back to normal, go back to when they were the best of best friends. 

          Irene even invited Seulgi to her dorm to do some catch-up things best friends do and they were talking as if that darnful night two years ago didn't happen, they were talking as if they have not been out of contact for two years, talking and chatting casually to pretend whatever happened didn't happen and just ignored the existence of that darnful night the two spent together. 

          Seulgi thought, everything will be okay now. 

          Irene thought, everything will be back to normal now. 

          They certainly will. 

 

 

Author's note: 

Hi all! Sorry that I have been gone for a while and wasn't able to update until now but I'm here now and I'm back with another chapter. I hope it's good enough to make up the months I was gone. The draft has been on my laptop since last year and I'm glad that it's finally out now.

There might only be one or two chapters left for this story, and I want to thank each and every one of you that are reading this for supporting and coming along this journey with me. 

Thank you to those newly subscribed and thank you to those that left comments. I hope you had fun with this chapter and let's meet at the next one!