Irene lied. She lied to herself. 

     She is not ready to fight, for herself, for Seulgi. 

     She doubted herself. 

     Irene's initial idea was to tell Seulgi what was on her mind and what she was thinking when she went to the restroom, but the timid her chickened out when she actually had the perfect time to do so. She brushed it off and told Seulgi she was just freshening up when Seulgi asked her if everything was okay. 

     Seulgi was hanging out at Irene's dorm like usual after their classes ended for that day and Irene kept fidgeting on her couch, not feeling comfortable however she sat or stood as all she could think about was how to tell Seulgi everything honestly without ruining anything. And Seulgi was just there, lying down on her bed, watching YouTube videos on her phone and was not aware of Irene's uneasiness. 

     Irene was also afraid that what she realized was just the heat of the moment and not actually mean something. How if all those anger and jealousy meant nothing? 

     Maybe... 

     Maybe she was just scared at the thought of Seulgi will abandon and ignore her if Seulgi gets into a serious relationship with someone else. 

     But no.

     Irene herself does recognize her own heart and it does actually yearn for something more than just a friendship with Seulgi, though it seems like it's overdue, what matters now is how she is sure of her own feelings. The way she swore that it was mere adoration and care for the younger girl before this, how ironic, she thought. 

     Seulgi's the one she wants to hold hands with, Seulgi's the only one she wants to look at, Seulgi's the one she wants to spend her every day with, Seulgi's the one she wants to kiss and whispers her love to. 

     But the doubts keep eating her up. 

     Does she really have feelings for Seulgi? Or is it just affection and overprotectiveness that she has towards Seulgi because of how long they have become friends? 

     How the hell did Seulgi realize that her feelings for Irene were love and not something lesser? How the hell did Seulgi even muster up her courage to confess before, knowing full well that by her doing so might ruin their friendship? 

     And Irene thanks God it did not. She would not know what she'll be doing now without Seulgi by her side. Two years without Seulgi was enough of torture, she wants no more of those. 

     Irene flips from side to side on her bed, trying to shut out all those thoughts inside her mind. She wants to sleep, she has an 8am class in the morning. 

     "Oh my God, it's 2:30am." Irene yawns for the fifth time within that three minutes but she still can't find herself to fall asleep. Her eyelids are heavy but her brain seems like it just wants her to stay awake, thinking about Seulgi, Seulgi and Seulgi only. Might as well just sue Seulgi for taking up space in her mind like that. 

     Irene eventually sits up on her bed. Maybe because she really wants to sleep, her eyes are starting to send signals to her brain to do something crazy. 

     "Should I just tell Seulgi right now?" Irene mumbles softly to herself. 

     "I'm crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy." Irene chants more than ten times but her hands still make their way to grab her phone that is by her bedside. 

     "This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy." Irene chants again but still unlocks her phone with determination and pressed on Seulgi's contact. The only barricade now is the call button. 

     Irene stares at her phone, looking at the screen showing it trying to connect the call to Seulgi. 

     "Ah!" Irene exclaims loudly, "What the hell am I doing?!" she shouted but she knows she is expecting Seulgi to answer the call. 

     It's 2:45am. A time when most of South Korea is asleep. A time when most probably Kang Seulgi, the sleeping beauty is asleep. But Irene knows, Seulgi will answer her call. Because Seulgi always does. Seulgi has always been there to listen, to help and to comfort her whenever she needs it. 

     And Seulgi does answer her call at the 13th beep. 

     "Irene..." Seulgi yawns, her voice croaky, "Is anything wrong..?"

     The concern in Seulgi's voice is evident and Irene now feels bad. She feels bad for waking Seulgi up in the dawn, for disturbing Seulgi's rest time. She feels bad for being selfish, for taking away five minutes of Seulgi's sleep just to satisfy her own feelings and burden. She knows that Seulgi would not mind her calling in her middle of the night but she knows that it is wrong for her to bother Seulgi like this. Even as her best friend. 

     "I'm...I'm sorry, Seulgi." Irene bites her lower lip in guilt and she sighs, "I'm sorry. Go back to sleep." 

     And with trembling hands and lips, Irene quickly ends the call. She throws her phone somewhere on her bed and she gathers her knees up and tears start to fall as she hugs her knees, keeping her head low. 

     "I can't do this," she whispers between her sobs, "I'm a coward. I won't be good to Seulgi." 

     She really does not want to think about this anymore, and at the moment she just wants to sleep. The battle between her eyelids and her brain is really driving her insane. 

     Why is it so complicated anyway? 

     Why is it now that she finds is so hard to talk to Seulgi, hard to look Seulgi straight in the eyes, hard to be close to Seulgi when they were all so easy before? 

     Is being in love this complicated? 

     Or is the process of coming together difficult? 

     And now Irene wonders, how does Seulgi even hide her feelings of being in love for two years, or maybe even more Irene doesn't know of, how does Seulgi do it pretending like it's nothing when it's literally driving her insane right now?! 

     Irene lets out a silent scream, she surely can't scream out loud when it's almost 3am. It's silent but powerful. It was enough to actually drive out all the noisiest depths of her thoughts. Or maybe she is just getting tired now and her brain decides to just shut up after her little breakdown session. 

     Whatever the reason is, she's thankful. She really needs her sleep, she can't show up to class looking like a panda in the morning. She wipes away the remnants of her tears on her cheeks and she lies back down on her pillow. She lets out a shaky sigh and closes her eyes for real this time. 

     Images of her and Seulgi having cute couple dates flashing in her mind and she is finally able to fall asleep with a soft smile on her face. 

Author's note:  

So here comes the doubts. We're now on a mission to help Irene, yet again. 

As always, thank you for subscribing and reading. Thank you for leaving comments, I read them all and I appreciate them. 

See y'all on the next update :D