I remember my junior high school days where I was young and naive. I speak without thinking first. I act without thinking first. Maybe that was just me being a dumb 13-year-old kid who knows nothing. But I do know how I felt that day when I had my first love...

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It was August that year. The afternoon air was humid and I just finished our PE class. Everyone was in the classroom, preparing for the next subject which is Math. Ugh! Math. I hate Math. How do I use the 2x+3y when I go to the grocery? It seems it's just useless for me. I just finished changing my uniform and got outside the room to drink water at the fountain. But when I passed by the next class, It was empty. They must've their PE class. Come to think of it I hate all the academic subjects except for PE. PE is easy, you just use your strength and speed to play the game. Compared to Math, Science, History, Chinese, and English. I don't like them at all. I admit that I'm slow in terms of academics, that's why I do my best in sports, since it's the only thing I'm good at. I arrived at the water fountain and drank water. I returned immediately before the next subject. When I passed by the empty classroom, I saw someone who was standing meticulously checking her . She looks troubled so I feel like asking her. I knocked at the door to call her attention. She was startled.

"Hi, what's wrong?" I asked her. I know her ,she's from the Brass Band Club since I saw her during a performance last month but I don't really know her name. She wasn't really sociable, or I just don't really pay attention to the people around me. She was clearly hesitant to tell me the real deal. It was obvious that she's shy but I can tell what it was.

"Don't be shy. I have a spare in the locker’s room." I grabbed her hand and led her to the room. I opened my locker and gave her a piece of sanitary napkin. I keep a pack of napkins in case.

"Thank you so much." She told me. It was wonderful to hear her talking at last. "But I don't think I can go to PE class. You see..." She didn't finish her words but she showed me her pants with blood stains.

I told her she could use my pants. "I'm sorry if it's smelly already. I just used it in our PE class."

"It's ok." She replied, as I handed her my PE pants. The bell has rung and I have to go to our next class.

"You can return it tomorrow." I think she was about to say something, but I immediately ran to my classroom so I won't get scolded by my Math teacher.

The next day, it was after lunch. Sunrui and I were at the gym playing basketball with the boys. You could say we were one of the boys. Some girls were watching us. For sure, they were eyeing Lin Yi, a popular second year student. Am I the only one who isn't attracted to him?

As I dribbled the ball it was difficult to shoot the ball at my angle so I hastily passed it to Sunrui which I accidentally hit her face. It was a mistake! It must've hurt badly, she crouched on the floor. I wanted to comfort my friend but Lin Yi came to the rescue and asked her if she was hurt. I can tell he was really concerned. I think I should be the one concerned, I was the one who accidentally hit her.

"Sunrui, I'm sorry!"

"Aiyama, that hurts." She replied.

Lin Yi checked Sunrui's face but it was fine. She wasn't scraped anywhere. It would've been bad if her nose bled. Lin Yi asked for time out, and told his friends to play without us. We rested for a while. I really felt bad for what happened. Lin Yi was taking care of Sunrui. I observed the girls looking at them, I can tell they were jealous. I think this is bad for Sunrui if there will be a misunderstanding in the future.

I was startled when someone tapped me from behind. It was the girl from yesterday. She handed me a paper bag which has my pants in it; she thanked me and then left. I didn't have the chance to say you're welcome and ask her name. I opened the paper bag and smelled my pants. Its scent is like an aromatic perfume. It was pleasant. Underneath is a letter. I didn't read it until I went home.

When I arrived home I immediately opened the letter. It says, "Hello, Xiaotang. I'm sorry I couldn't properly thank you. I'm shy. I really appreciated your help, giving me a sanitary napkin and lending me your pants. You're the first person who has done it. It meant a lot to me. I hope we can be friends. — 1st year A-class, Duan Yixuan"

"Duan Yixuan, huh…"

A few days later after school. I heard some of my classmates were practicing their musical instruments. That day, the girls basketball team didn't have a practice. We were told to go home. But of course I didn't go home yet. I told Sunrui it was ok to go home without me. She said it was fine but I know that she's going home with the upper-classman, Lin Yi. I think Lin Yi is pursuing her. I'll talk to Sunrui tomorrow about that matter. But right now, I'm on the second floor, searching for Duan Yixuan. I wanted to see her.

But why? — I asked myself.

I went room-to-room searching for her. Alas, I found her in the vacant room, playing the clarinet by herself. I looked at the glass door observing her playing it. She was so focused that it made me a little jealous, wishing that I could also learn how to play. I don't know any musical instruments, but if I were to choose I think I'd want to learn how to play the drums or the ukulele. She stopped playing when our eyes met. I slid the door open to enter. "I'm so sorry if I bothered you." I said while closing the door behind me. She smiled. "It's ok. I just wasn't expecting you to come." I don't even know myself but I just..."I just want to see you." I didn't know what had gotten into me for blurting it out. I observed her in case she might find me weird. Strangely she smiled at me and said, "Well, in that case I'm happy you're here." I take that as a good sign, so I drew near her and sat on the chair to listen to her play the clarinet.

For the past two weeks after my basketball training, I went to watch her practice the clarinet, and vice versa when she finishes earlier than usual, she comes to me and watches me practice basketball. Sunrui noticed my growing friendship with Duan Yixuan. After lunch time she confronted me in the library. "When did you become friends with Duan Yixuan?" She shot me a sharp look.

"Are you going out with Lin Yi?" I retorted. She wasn't amused by what I said. Her face was red. I knew she was going out with him. "No need to answer." I nodded.

“Zhao Xiaotang.” She slapped her hands on the table. Everyone was staring at us like we’re playing cop and criminal. She lowered her voice. "This isn't about me. I'm the one asking you."

I leaned back, crossing my arms. "We've been supporting each other for the past two weeks now." I can see Sunrui's curious looks. "Supporting?" She raised her left brow in question. "Yeah, like I.. I watch her practice, and, and she watches me practice.." There's something in the atmosphere that made me stutter. I don't know why I'm scared all of a sudden. "Do you like her?" The question hit me. Do I like Duan Yixuan? "Why not? She's a good friend." I replied. She leaned back to the chair, crossing her arms. I thought she was going to ask me more but turned out she didn’t. After that day I was thinking about what Sunrui asked me. Do I like Duan Yixuan? No doubt I like her. Is there any other reason? I’m curious myself.

The next day, there weren't any club activities. Students can go home or stay at the library to study or do their homework, but most of the students went home as there is nothing to do in the school. Sunrui’s mother picked her up and asked me if I wanted to come along, but I declined since I have something else to do. I was tasked to submit our notebooks to our class advisor and checked those who haven’t passed theirs yet. When I finished my task I went to my classroom to get my backpack. When I passed by the A-class, I saw Duan Yixuan who was sitting by the window, she seemed asleep. I entered the room as quiet as possible. I bent down and waved my hand, she’s indeed sleeping. I pulled the chair in front of her silently, and sat, observing her. Duan Yixuan is really pretty. I like how her bangs suit her. Her cute cheeks make me want to pinch them. I like how quiet and kind and gentle she is. I like her voice when she talks. Suddenly she woke up, and rubbed her eyes. “Xiaotang?”

“I’m sorry, did I startle you?” She shook her head. We didn’t talk for a while. We just looked at each other, observing, thinking. I could only hear the noise of the cicada, buzzing. I reached for her hand that was on the table. I was afraid that she might shove it away, but she didn’t. She even held it, and we intertwined our fingers. Her hand felt soft and warm. I looked at her, she smiled. I couldn’t understand but my heart fluttered by the gesture. I didn't want to let go of her as if I'm cherishing the moment while it lasts. I smiled back. It was a sweet moment for me that I could never forget. 

The days continued and we still see each other every after school. I watch her practice the clarinet, and she watches me practice basketball. Sometimes when I passed by their classroom, I never skipped a beat to look at her. When we happen to pass by each other, we just smile. We don't really talk in front of everyone. She's on the Brass Band Club and I'm on the Basketball Team. She's in A-class and I'm in C-class. She's meek and I'm loud, it feels like we don't mix well. But we still found friendship between our differences and I think it’s wonderful.

In October,  there is a brass band competition in the prefecture. Schools were encouraged to join in the competition. My school joins every year. Since in the past decade, our school is strong when it comes to playing musical instruments, and has won many awards. Duan Yixuan is far the most talented when she plays the clarinet. She was given a solo piece to perform during the competition, and I think that it's amazing. I adore her talent in music. I can imagine in the future that she will be the greatest clarinet player in China!

I was sitting in the classroom looking at the window. I was startled when someone asked me. "Aren't you going home?" I realized it was Sunrui, on her backpack. It's been awhile since we talked to each other. She was busy with her boyfriend, Lin Yi. "My mom is waiting in the car." She said. But I have to wait for Duan Yixuan to finish her club activity. "You just go first, I have to…"

"I get it. Duan Yi-xuan." Her tone was not pleasant. I don't understand why she's pissed. "We haven't talked in awhile now since you have your Duan Yixuan."

It irked me when she said her name in that tone like she's bad or something. As if it's my fault that we're not talking and hanging out anymore. "Do you even need me? You already have Lin Yi." I stood up, glaring at her.

"Fine! I'm leaving without you."

"Fine! Leave!" I saw her left. I feel so angry. How could she think that I don't have time for my best friend?! She always hangs out with Lin Yi and not me. It makes me angry yet I feel bad that we fought like this. I sat back and thought about it for a while. The feeling of fighting your best friend is devastating my conscience. I shouldn't have said that. It pained me for saying something bad.

"Xiaotang..." I don't need to look up to know who's calling me. "I just finished practicing. Shall we go home?" I didn't answer and she knew what was up. She approached me and hugged me. It felt like the storm had gone away when I felt the warmth of her hug. We stayed that way for a while. Duan Yixuan calms me.

I am hoping that this moment will last.

Well, that’s what I thought.

I don’t know where in the gaps of my memory, or what exactly happened in the span of weeks after the bass brand competition in October. She was busy, and I was busy with our upcoming tournament that was also happening in the middle of October. I think we just drifted apart without a clear notice, or am I the only one who noticed it? I was hurt to be honest. I thought she’d come to watch our game like I did when she had their Brass Band competition. I congratulated her when they won first place in the competition. I was so happy for her. But maybe these happiness cannot last long like I thought it would. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be the person for her like I thought I would be. Maybe it was all my imagination. I thought there was something...

Even though we won the basketball tournament, it felt like we lost the game.

Or is it just me who lose the game?

Clearly, I am in a state of disturbance, confusion, uncertainty, and in anxiety of the situation.

A week had passed after the tournament. I still haven’t talked to Duan Yixuan. We sometimes passed each other, but neither of us initiated the talking. I could only look behind from her. It felt like I was a ghost to her. I couldn’t understand it but I do feel my heart was aching. That day, the yellow ball of fire changed to hues of orange, and then almost tangerine. It merged with the sky, like juice-mix dissolving in a glass of water. Looking at the window, the clouds were cotton-candy, as though they blushed at the warm touch of the sun. I could hear the noise of the cicada buzzing. The noise mixes with the emotions I have kept inside which makes me irritated.

“Aren’t you going home?”

I didn’t have to look up who it was. But hearing her voice in a long time made me tear up from the emotions that I’ve bottled for so long. I missed my best friend so much. I knew I was at fault for being apart from her. I didn’t want to admit that and I pushed her away. But she’s still there for me in my darkest days. I didn’t tell her what happened. I couldn’t explain the things I didn’t understand myself, or I didn’t want to admit. I kept pushing the thought back, but I do know it was there. Tears started to fall down. I couldn’t even stop it from dripping. Sunrui hugged me; I know she was concerned. I think this is the only thing I need right now.

“Sunrui, I think I love her…”

“I know.” Sunrui replied. She hugged me tightly, assuring me that everything will be alright.