NOTE: Explicit contents ahead. Some words are filtered, so it's better if you have registered in aff to read the story fully.

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is how I met the girl, and how did we end up together or, I don’t know, maybe, you’ll ask who’s top or bottom. Sorry to break your bubble, you dimwit, but none of those ual fantasies of yours ever happened. You see, I am a kind-hearted person who will treat a woman right, decent or not decent in the eyes of the people; they deserve to be treated right, even es; because I believe that job is tough, and no job should be diminished, if you get AIDS, then good luck with that! But don’t lose hope. I believe there’ll be a cure for that in the future, so hold on and live your life to the fullest! – Even if you’ll live shortly enough because of the sickness. As what the 2018 Miss Universe said, “to see situations with a silver lining.” It was a positive way to look at things, but I’m not a positive person; so it doesn’t apply to me. I just quoted it because I liked it. 

Sometimes I hate myself for getting out of the main point because I get over-excited when I share my thoughts. You see, I’m like Elsa, the snow queen, “conceal don’t feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know. Let it go, let it go.” . I was singing that part. It’s so good especially when you sing it in a karaoke bar and you just don’t mind how bad you sing it but you just feel like Mariah Carey, hitting all those notes. See? I get off topic again. I was talking about Elsa, not because I like the song but how she suppressed her inner lesbianism. God-Allah-Brahma-Buddha, I hate the feeling of being closeted. No, it’s not me. It’s the people around me. I’m already out; my parents know I puke rainbows. If I could paint our house rainbow, I would, but of course, my mother-dear would beat the out of me if I did. She loves the sophisticated golden tone of our house, my father doesn’t have a say of the design; he likes red. People use red color to lure the bulls during bullfights, do they know bulls are color blind? They charge not because of the color but they get irritated at the fabric being waved. You don’t believe me? Go check it on the internet.

I wonder where this story of mine will go. But the bottom line is, being in the closet . I know that for a fact. My friend Sunrui is still in the closet. She’s afraid to come out to her parents even if her parents know I’m a lesbian and I’m sure they don’t mind it because if they, we won’t be friends. I don’t know why people are so uncomfortable labeling themselves this. It’s not a degrading word; it’s just the word for it. What else should I label myself, purple? I’m not allowed to use that. BTS owns that color.

I’m kidding!

Honestly, do you know who said it? – Those baby bra Armys who I see on Twitter, messaging people to not use the color because it’s supposed to be “theirs.” I’ll get torched if they hear me say this, but I’ll just point out what I said, “those baby bra Armys”, and if you’re not like them then there’s nothing to be offended of. What do BTS and Army have to do with any of these?

NOTHING!

The more I open my mouth the more red flags I will get. That’s not good! But just a quick thought. There’s a lot of shipping nowadays. I don’t really understand why people like to ship other people. Isn’t that human trafficking? It’s dehumanizing!

OK. This is it for real. No going off the trail bull talk.

I’m going to talk about the softest, cutest, and kindest schoolmate of mine; her name is Wang Chengxuan, or she preferred herself to be called Sharon. But I can’t pronounce her name well; it’s too difficult for my tongue, it’ll get twisted when I try pronouncing the name. I only use my tongue for other purposes if you know what I mean.

So, this cute little sunshine Chengxuan is from Taiwan. Ah... Taiwan.  Let’s not talk about the politics between our countries; I’ll get red flags for it. It’s none of my business. But Chengxuan is my business because how can I not get fluttered when I see her? She’s so adorable, so petit, and such a baby. It makes me want to put her in my pocket, and take care of her.

You’ll probably wonder how I met Wang Chengxuan. Have I ever told you about my best friend, Sunrui? Yeah? Aside from she’s closeted, Goddamn, I’m still pissed how she made me believed she was straight as a pole when she dated a lot of guys back then. Now I know why she dated so many; it’s to understand herself if she wasn’t gay.

To all confused people out there, being gay is not a phase and it’s not a trial card for it and when you feel society is telling you that your trial card has expired, you’ll just cut off the LGBTFlix subscription in a snap and think you wouldn’t go back subscribing to it again.

That’s not how it works. Not at all!

Anyway, Sunrui and Chengxuan were classmates in the English class. You see, Sunrui failed English three times and she’s retaking it for the fourth time. Sunrui is a third-year student; Chengxuan is a first-year student.  Not that I’m saying Sunrui is dumb at English, it’s just communication, hell, I’m not even good at it. I just barely pass it.

One time I was with Sunrui, we had a vacant period. She said there was someone she’s going to meet in the library because she asked that person to tutor her. Yeah right, tutor. I suddenly remember my ex-girlfriend; she also tutored me back then. Seldom, I would get naughty and touched her; she would glare at me. Of course, I would just grin and stop. What do you think I am, an animal? We were in the library. We can always do it when we’re at home. I think the only talent that I can brag about is how well I eat my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

“Xiaotang, this is Wang Chengxuan.” Sunrui introduced me to the little cutie. I shook her hand, God-Allah-Brahma-Buddha, it was soft. I’m kinda embarrassed how my hands were rough like a carpenter. I don’t even do any household chores. “Nice to meet you,” I said. “Likewise,” she replied, showing her cute smile. She’s just too adorable. If I say mean things even if I didn’t mean to; she would break and crumble. So, I better put duct tape on this mouth of mine if I have to. After the introduction, Sunrui offered her a seat like a gentle person would do. She is so obvious. Even a blind person would know. I was just playing mobile games, sitting across them. Sunrui keeps saying “aiyama” many times; it’s her expression. If I get a dollar for every time she says aiyama, I think I can afford to buy IQIYI – that sonofa entertainment company who keeps making survival idol shows and after the debut, they just don’t give a about them anymore. They’ll make another survival show to milk cash from the fans, how shameless.

I know for a fact that Sunrui has a crush on Chengxuan, I mean, who doesn’t? The way she talks is just too cute. My eyes hurt in a good way that I want to cry from her cuteness; she’s just too adorable to look at. If being cute is illegal, she would be in jail by now. Hell, I would be also in jail by now if that’s the case. No, I’m kidding, I know I’m not cute, I’m handsome. My dead grandma would agree to this statement; yes I’m shameless. I know grandma’s soul is resting peacefully now. May all the Gods in all religions bless her soul.  I would like to be honest because honesty is my forte. To tell you the truth, I’m out of vocabulary to describe Wang Chengxuan’s cuteness. Even toddlers know how to describe Chengxuan in many adjectives that a college student like me couldn’t. 

How pathetic!

That week was hell; I should have studied instead of playing that pathetic tap-tap game. It was therapeutic for me but not for my grades. If I could record how many taps I did and convert it to reading the words in my books, maybe I could have passed my exams. I regretted it, I do! I’m scared of how my mother will react to it. I’m expecting she will throw my clothes outside of the house and disown me. I wanted to disown her first if I could, but there’s a saying that mothers are always FIRST – No, I’m kidding. There’s no saying about that. I just made that up, because to be honest, I’m nervous about how to face her when I get home. I just hope the examination was like the Chunin Exam in Naruto. It’s easy to beat the out of people, especially, no, I won’t mention any names. I’ll keep this to myself. I’m learning how to restrain this mouth of mine from being too frank. Nobody wants to hear opinions especially when they are unsolicited. Mine is unsolicited, therefore, I better keep my mouth shut.

“Men ARE trash.”

Don’t think I said that. I just say what I read on Twitter – that ty foreign social media. People there make me sick. They keep crying and complaining over small things. Not that I can understand English, I just smash that “translate to Chinese” so I could understand what they were yapping about. Oh, boy. My nape aches when I read some of it. What a stupid social media owned by white people. Not that I’m saying Weibo is better, it’s not! All Chinese social media are controlled by the government. I can’t even put “hella gay” or the LGBT flag on my bio. So apparently, we can’t use the LGBTQ terms because they are restricted. I wanted to be as sneaky as Swiper the fox from Dora the Explorer, the unsupervised brat who just wanders everywhere. So, I remember Lisa Manoban, the Thai Kpop idol, who makes girls gay. She was all over the billboards, so I’m familiar with her. And it would be a lie if I say I haven’t watched any of their music videos, because I did. Jennie is my favorite, she looks like a vixen. God, her eyes, the way she stares makes me melt like ice cream. Enough of Jennie, what I’m trying to say is, I remembered Lisa’s line, “Here I come kick in the door,” I wanted to be as creative as possible. So, I put on my bio: door, shoe, cat, and tongue emojis. I don’t wanna explain it. You are old enough to figure it out for yourself!

Back to Wang Chengxuan, did I ever tell you that Sunrui was making advance at her? I bet she gets those ideas from those foreign films like Carol. Have you seen the movie? I’ll summarize it for those who haven’t watched it. So basically, there’s this girl employee from a department store who had a crush on her forty-something-year-old woman who’s a customer. She left her gloves at the department store and to fast forward, they ed. Auntie ed the girl employee who almost looks like her daughter based on the age of their faces. This huge is just not my cup of tea. When I think of that movie, Carol, I remember my mother; she’s forty-four. I searched for Cate Blanchett on the internet. She was forty-four or forty-five during that movie. I looked at her pictures and realized she’s one fine hot mommy, but then again I remember my mother; it feels like . So, I closed the search tabs and never thought of it again. Maybe Sunrui wanted to be like Carol and she wanted Chengxuan to be her Therese Belivet. I tell you, she really has a hots for s that makes me think she’s somehow kind of, I don’t wanna say e that’s demeaning and exaggerating. Sunrui is like a senior high school hunter, a coverup term for e, and I think that’s not bad for downplaying a shameful word. I told you I’m out of vocabularies on my sleeves. I just say whatever comes out of my mouth.

When Sunrui visited me at my home, we were playing video games and chatting. I asked her about her kiddie meal experience. “What do you mean by that?” She asked me, so I replied, “Didn’t you have bedded a senior high school student before?” She put down the controller and faced me. “Zhao Xiaotang, first of all, who uses the word bedded nowadays, and second, you, I didn’t know she was sixteen!” “Oh my Buddha, I thought she was eighteen. Now you sounded scarier.” “Aiyama, I just wanted to be clear. I want to clear my name. We were in the bar, who would have thought she’s sixteen? Minors weren’t even allowed to that place, so it’s not my fault! I’m the victim here! I was duped!” I admired her when she said the word “duped”. It's a nice adjective she picked up somewhere. I should also include that to my vocabulary list. “You watch too many American movies.” “I don’t! I love China.” And Sunrui started singing our national anthem.

What a weirdo.

I noticed lately, Chengxuan joins us eating lunch and just being there with us. I’m starting to think that Sunrui is officially dating her. But, is Chengxuan even gay? I can’t tell, to be honest. Or maybe she doesn’t know she’s with a duo of lesbians. She always sat beside Sunrui and never beside me. Maybe, they are dating? “Chengxuan…” I called her name and she looked at me. “Yes, Tang jiejie?” Her face was so bright, full of positivity, it almost blinded me. “Just curious, are you dating anyone?” I looked at her and Sunrui. But it was weird because Sunrui was also curious to hear of her answer. Did Sunrui want to be sure she hears her name? But Chengxuan’s answer was not what I expected. “No, I’m not dating anyone.” “Oh, I see, I really thought you two are dating.” Both of them were surprised and it made me surprised that they were surprised. We were like the Pikachu meme I see on social media. “How old are you, eighteen?” “Seventeen.” There it was, the red flag, I can almost hear the police car’s siren and the sound of the handcuffs clanking. That was close, good thing I asked about her age. It’s not a big though; we were twenty-one. Sunrui and I were eyeing each other; I pursed my lips to refrain myself from laughter. I really feel bad for my best friend. Maybe the Gods of all religions are telling us something. They saved my best friend from jail-time.

Fast forward to the story, a senior from the Arts Department threw a party in a nice and decent venue. I wasn’t supposed to be there but Chengxuan invited me, but not Sunrui. Weird. But I still went because it’s Chengxuan and I like her because she’s a sweet and kind person, and we’re friends, isn’t that enough reason to go?

No?

OK, fine!

I knew there were lots of foods and I love eating. Don’t ask me how I maintain my weight. I have money to take care of that. I hate it when people judge other people because they undergo surgery. If people can afford it, then why not? Some people are ting about it saying it’s a waste of money, it’s not like it’s their money that was used. Also, I don’t understand people bashing artists or idols on social media for undergoing plastic surgery. Isn’t their job to be attractive? They fixed their faces because society told them so. Do you want me to spill what I changed about myself? It’s my - attitude. No, I didn’t say I became kinder. I know deep down I’m a savage, classy, bougie, ratchet, sassy, moody, nasty. God, it made me sing that Savage song that I always hear on Douyin.

I couldn’t get it off my head why Chengxuan invited me and not Sunrui, so I messaged Sunrui if she got an invitation just to be sure, but she said she wasn’t. I clicked my tongue. I don’t want to assume things but I have my suspicions crawling on my skin. It’s better not to entertain the thought. Eating is more important. I didn’t really drink because I have less alcohol tolerance. Also, I drove here by car. I don’t wanna get into an accident, and driving under the influence of alcohol is wrong.

I noticed Changxuan is drinking a lot, so it’s only right that I’m not drinking. Who’s going to take her home? Those senior men who’re surrounding her like piranhas? Hell NO! I approached her and pulled her out of those disgusting senior men; they smelled like the sweat of a loser couch potato guy who eats pizzas and burgers every day and doesn’t take a shower but has the audacity to tell women who aren’t y as ugly. “What a killjoy ,” one of them said. I swear if Sunrui was here, we’ll probably unleash havoc that they won’t see coming. But right now, my priority is to make Chengxuan sober. Why the hell is she drinking a lot?

“Tang jiejie,” she called me adorably. I could only close my eyes to control myself from melting from her cuteness. “I’m drunk,” she continued. “Yup, it’s time to go home.” I held her hand and led her into my car. I buckled her seatbelt, then mine. I didn’t want her to go home drunk, she might get scolded by her guardian. So, I dropped by a convenience store to buy something that would make her sober and a white flower oil in case she might be nauseous along the ride. She said she felt she wanted to vomit, so I stopped by the roadside, and switched the hazard lights. By the time we stopped, she immediately ran outside and threw up. I helped her by patting her back. It wasn’t an adorable sight. “Yes, that’s right, throw away those inner demons,” I said. Maybe it wasn’t the appropriate thing to say in the situation because she cried. I immediately pulled out my magic potion that would heal all illness in the world, except for cancer. I let her smell the white flower oil, hoping it will make her feel better. “That’s right, inhale it like it’s .” I got a slap on the arm, of course, I know I’m hilarious. “You’re dumb,” Chengxuan cried some more. Well, I guess it wasn’t funny. “Do you know I like you?” Well, there it was, the confession that I didn’t really need. “Chengxuan, you’re drunk.” “I know, I’m not dumb like you.” “You’re less cute when you’re drunk, you know?” “You know why I’m drunk? So I can boost my courage to tell you how I feel.” “So, that’s why you didn’t invite Sunrui. Do you know she likes you?” “I told you I’m not dumb. You’re the dumb one.” She turned around to throw up again. I scratched my head, not because it’s itchy. I scratched my head because where else should I scratch? My knees? I was just expressing my frustration. Also, it takes energy to bend down and scratch my knees.

Oh god, she's done puking; now she’s facing me for more excruciating confessions. “I already told Sunrui jiejie that I liked you. I didn’t want her to expect anything from me.” That’s a relief, I guess? “But didn’t you often spend time with us? You always sat beside her and I assumed you liked her.” “I sat beside her so I could see you from across.” Smart move, I’m impressed, to be honest. But I have to be honest with her too. Didn’t I tell you that honesty was my forte? I took a deep breath before saying it. “Chengxuan, listen, I like you,” drum rolls please, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. “As a little sister.” Actually, I really paused for the thrill effect and yep, you’ve guessed it right. Screw friendzone. I’m going to sisterzone her. Seriously, I only see her as an adorable underclassman and nothing more. “I’m sorry, Chengxuan, I don’t feel the same way towards you.” “I see…” We were quiet for some time, not knowing what to say. Maybe it was awkward for her, well, not for me. I’m out of s to give. Chengxuan is cute, bubbly, adorable, smart, witted, and all positive adjectives that I can describe her. You might say she’s my type but I just don’t feel anything from her. I can’t force myself to like her and I don’t want to give her false hope either because I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore. I want to be a better person. I know I’m not perfect, I’m flawed. I’m still ed up from my previous relationship with Dai Yanni. I’m just not ready yet for a relationship.

We were on the side of the road, parking. It was quiet, no cars were passing by as it was one in the morning. It felt like we were in a movie, a lesbian confession that turned out to be sisterzoned by her upperclassman kind of movie, or a thriller movie. I don’t want to scare myself because I easily get frightened. “Tang jiejie, can I kiss you?” “NO! You reek alcohol and it’s disgusting to kiss someone drunk. Do you even know how to kiss?” “I’m seventeen I know how it works. And I think you’re imagining that I’m going to french kiss you which I’m not.” “What’s the difference?” “You won’t know if you won't try.” Chengxuan should be in the Marketing Course; she sold me on that statement. Of course, as an emotionally fragile person, I drew closer to her and waited for her to do the first move. She put a soft peck on my cheek and hugged me tightly. Weak. I thought she’d kiss me on the lips. I was even ready for it. I laughed at my thoughts. “Tang jiejie, sorry for the trouble that I’ve caused today.” It’s difficult to be angry at her. Wang Chengxuan taught me how to be soft and be open-minded; and for that, I’m thankful for her. “I can’t stay mad at you, can I? Come on, I’ll drive you home, you little rascal.”

Who am I kidding? Wang Chengxuan didn't teach me any . Did I really learn a golden lesson here or was I just ting myself?

I know my story of Wang Chengxuan was kind of disappointing for thirsty people who expected something ual between us. Shame on you! You should be in jail for thinking nasty thoughts. I told you before nothing like that ever happened. It would be considered if I have feelings for her. Remember that I treat her like a sister. I wanted to finish my story so badly; so time-skip to six years later, I agreed to meet Chengxuan at the coffee shop near my father's company building. I haven't seen her after she graduated from college because she went back to Taiwan. And now she's back in the country because she found a high paying job in Beijing.

I saw her sitting on the sofa. "Chengxuan!" I called her. "Tang jiejie!" We hugged each other, I'm so glad to see her again; I missed her so much. She looked prettier and adult-like. I used to see her as a kid, now, she's matured. Maybe because she had her makeup on? We talked a lot about many things and after that, it was time to bid each other goodbye. I asked her if she needed a drive, but she declined because she said her girlfriend will come over to pick her up; she also wanted to introduce me to her. "Please tell me you’re not dating a psychopath," I joked. "Tang jiejie, you're such a dummy." She paused and looked behind me. "Oh, there she is." Chengxuan beckoned her girlfriend. I was surprised to see who it was. "Tang jiejie, this is my girlfriend, Yuyan jiejie.”

Well, . I thought China was the biggest country in Asia.