https://youtu.be/KkkauJxHZP0

It has been quite a while since I updated on anything and because I got hooked on watching the most recent survival show Girls Planet 999, here's for one of the ships formed there. 

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Our story didn't have a great ending. Our paths were never meant to cross but it did and for the time we got to spend together, I will always cherish it.  

Our love for music was what brought us together but sadly that was also the reason we separated. I love making music as a hobby but for her, it was her dream to spread her own sound. And who was I to stop her from fulfilling those dreams.  

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I'm originally from Japan but I moved to Seoul for university. I remember it was summer time and my friends and I were on vacation. To end the day, we went to an open mic bar. We got seated close to the stage as one of the performers lined up was my friends favorite. Drinks were ordered and the host introduced the first band. We found ourselves jamming to the songs and really just enjoying the night.  

"Someone's been looking at you," my friend Mashiro whispered. At first I didn't care cause I'm not there to find someone despite being the fifth wheel in our group. But as the night progressed, my other friends noticed as well. Mashiro probably told them about it. So I got curious and casually looked around and true enough, from one of the tables at the back, I caught this girl looking at me. She was smiling but not in a disgusting way, so I smiled back.  

The main performers were introduced and my friends went wild, screaming like crazy fans. I love music but most of the groups I listen to are mainstream. So this indie band that my friends are going gaga about was unfamiliar to me. The other band members were starting to do a sound check just to hype everyone and I can see that a lot of the customers were their fans as they cheered for them. It got louder when the main vocalist appeared and I was surprised that it was the girl earlier. She started singing and the crowd went wild even more. I found myself captivated by her voice and the way she low key kept looking in my direction, I couldn't help but blush. They played another song before the vocalist talked to the crowd. 

"Good evening y'all! I hope you're having a great night!" Her speaking voice was even sweeter than her singing voice and it got me hooked. She continued to talk to the audience and introduced her band members.  

"The night is young and we have a lot in store for you. If you have any song requests, just approach any of the staff and pass it on. We'll do our best to sing all of them. Before we get into the good stuff, lemme just introduce the band. On drums, we have Zhe!"  The girl then did some sick beats.  

"On rhythm and lead guitars, we have Rui Qi and Yubing." And the girls played a few chords. 

"On keyboards, it's your girl Yenny!" And the girl played some melody as well.  

"And I'm Xiaoting on vocals. This next song wasn't part of our set list but this goes to someone who captured my eyes tonight. You know who you are, and this song's for you"  

She signaled her friends and started the song.  

Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn
I'm so perplexed
With just one breath, I'm locked in
Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn
I'm so perplexed
On that, it's almost shocking
I know, I know you know you're scared
Your heart, your mind, your soul, your body
They won't, they won't, they won't be careful
But I guess that you don't know me 

Cause if I want you, and I want you, babe
Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space
Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too... 

Close, ooh
Oh, so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close, ooh
Oh, so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no 

It didn't take long for the crowd to realize who she was looking at and I felt embarrassed by the sudden attention. My friends were teasing me and I got redder than I should.  

When they finished their first set, they got off the stage so I took that time to go to the restroom. As soon as I got out, my friend May was waiting for me. She then dragged me to a different table and it turned out that the band invited us to join them at the VIP section. My friends who were fans of the band easily accepted the invitation while I wasn't around and maybe they planned it or something but I was seated next to their vocalist. When we got settled, they ordered more food and drinks and the rest just chatted away.  

The place was loud with the background music playing but both of us were just silent. It was starting to get awkward to be honest. The drinks arrived and since we moved tables, I got a new glass. Before I was able to get one of the beers, she beat me to it and started pouring some.  

"Thanks" I said and she nodded in response.  

Another awkward silence.  

We watched as our friends mingle as if they've known each other for so long and we were the newcomers.  

I finished my glass and she refilled it right away. And so I took the courage to break the awkwardness we felt.  

"You sang beautifully earlier" I don't know why I said that right away. I could've introduced myself first, right?  

"Oh thanks. Uhm. If you don't mind, may I know your name?"  

"Yurina. Kawaguchi Yurina"  

And that night was the start of our story.  

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We started seeing each other after that night and since then, on every gig you have scheduled, I was present. It didn't take long for us to make it official and it was no longer a surprise to our friends when we announced it to them.  

"About time our Xiaoting finally gets a girl" Yenny said and the rest of the band agreed.  

"Aren't y'all single as well?" I asked because they never talked about their relationship in the first place.  

"Not all of us. Yenny and I are actually together" Yubing answered as she sat down beside Yenny.  

"Zhe's girl would be here later and Ru Qui chose to be in a relationship with herself" Yenny added.  

"What the hell dude? I'll have you know that I got my eyes on someone as well"  

"Really now? Well who is it?" Zhe asked, clearly surprised by what her friend just said. Rui Qi just made a gesture of sealing her lips and the others continued to .  

"Anyway, congratulations again on being together. Xiaoting and Yurina. XiaoRina?" Mashiro said and everyone cheered.  

Her friends were the loud ones in the group and my friends were the opposite but we all gelled in well with each other.  

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After we both graduated, we decided to live together. Which made sense cause I would stay in her apartment for a week then she stays with me the following week. So to save us money for rent and stuff, we moved in an affordable apartment. 

"Babe, I don't think I still have the strength to cook us dinner, where do you want to order?" she asked from the living room. I had just finished fixing the bed and to be honest, it looks really inviting especially after the day we just had. 

"I'm fine with anything you order babe" I answered. 

When I got out of the room, I saw her on the phone placing our orders. And half an hour later, the food arrived. She got the new plates we bought the day before and laid out the food on the table. Once everything was set up, she reached for my hand before letting me sit first. 

"This is our first meal in our own place babe" she said as she held my hand once again. These small gestures that she does makes me fall for her even more. 

"I can't wait to have more of our first here in our home" I said and she smiled widely. After eating, I washed the plates while she took a shower. When I was done, I did the same. I found her lying, face down on the bed. She did most of the heavy lifting so she must've been really tired, and what better way to relax, so I gave her a massage. 

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I started working in one of the entertainment companies in the country as a screen writer while she took a part time job as a dance instructor as her main goal was really to have their band be recognized to start their career. I was making more money yes but that didn't stop her from spoiling me with things and trips. We even went back to her hometown so I could meet her mom. I learned that I was the very first girl her mom met and I was honored. She was the first person I introduced to my parents as well and despite being in a relationship for just a couple of months, our families bonded easily. Even joking about our wedding. It felt great knowing that everything is working out for us. 

Xiaoting was the best thing that ever happened to me and everyday she never fails to let me feel her love. 

I remember one time I was so stressed because the deadline we had for this drama we were writing was changed to an earlier schedule so it was all hands on deck for us screen writers. The story line was about two people who found each other at their worst only for the other one to leave because she found somebody else. I was crying for days because my mind's blocked and I can't think of any words to write. I've been complaining how I hate myself for not being able to write anything but despite not being with me physically, she still assures me that things will be alright. She was away for a gig out of town so the loneliness in the apartment made me stressed even more. 

Maybe because I was so focused on staring at my laptop that I didn't hear the door open because the next thing I saw was her going inside the room, the guitar strapped to her body as she started singing. I was not familiar with the song and I only realized what it meant when she finished singing it. That's when all the words started coming until I was able to finish the scene.

The lyrics she made became the dialog to the story. The story which impressed our boss. It was approved right away and after sending it to the casts, the filming started. And since then, every time I'm having a hard time with work, she knows exactly what say or rather sing to help me out. Sometimes we would just end up creating new music together and it would be a hit on their gigs. 

I was happy to know that our songs are being appreciated. Soon enough, we were able to create enough songs to make up their first album. All they needed now is a label to recognize their talent. And that happened on our first anniversary. They had a scheduled performance from one of the biggest bar in town and as usual I was there to support them. 

The crowd was enjoying their music so much that when the night ended, they were approached by someone from a music label. She asked to talk to the band in one of the private rooms so my friends and I waited for them. 

"Hi. My name is Choi Yujin and I work from Kep1er Entertainment as a music producer. I can personally say that your songs are going to be big once it hit the bigger market. Imagine performing in larger venues and having your very own concert. Our company is always looking for bands like yours and it would give me, us, absolute pleasure if you sign to our label" 

The band looked at each other and you can see the sparks in their eyes. This is the break they've been longing for. 

"Think about it first and let me know after a week, okay? I'll be waiting for your call"  she took her leave but not before looking at Xiaoting with a longing look. 

When the woman went out the room, we can hear them screaming so we went inside as well. Xiaoting immediately hugged me and I can already sense it was a good talk. 

"Do we really need to think about it? I mean, this is it guys! This is what we've been waiting for!" Zhe said after hugging her girlfriend Bora. 

"I just looked it up and Yujin's the real deal. She's worked with a lot of artists and mind you, the big ones in the music industry" Yenny said as placed her phone down. 

The smile never left Xiaoting's face knowing that finally someone is giving them the break they deserve. Instead of celebrating our anniversary on our own, we ended up celebrating it with our friends. I didn't mind though cause I know this is a really good thing for her. 

We have this thing between us where we just talked about the pros and cons of things when it comes to deciding on something and that's what we did. We just finished taking our shower and just cuddled up on the bed. 

"Babe, if we go through this, are you 100% with me on this one? I mean, if you have any doubts about it, I'll talk to the band and maybe wait for another opportunity" she asked. I know how long they've been waiting for this so it would be selfish of me to say no. 

"Yes babe. I'm with you 100%. Wherever you go, I'll be there" 

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They did sign with Kep1er Entertainment the following week and I couldn't be more happy for her. Since then, whenever she goes home, she has this smile on her face and tells me they had fun at the recording studio. I have no doubt in my mind that more people would love their music and I am proud of everything she does. 

The songs we wrote were finally produced and an official album was created. Yujin did well on promoting the band and finally after just a few months, they'll be performing at the most awaited festival in the country where hundreds of people would be attending. This would be the biggest venue they every performed at so far so we went all out in supporting them. They just finished their sound check so everyone's just hanging out in one of the tents provided for the performers. 

"This is it babe. I will always be proud of you and everything you do" I told her and she responded by kissing me. 

A series of joking coughs were heard and when we let go of the kiss we saw our friends with a teasing smile. It was also just in time when Yujin entered the tent and told the band to get ready. Maybe it was just me thinking but it looked like she just gave me a stink eye. I pushed that thought out of my head and just enjoyed their performance when they were called on stage. 

That paved their way into the music scene and with just that experience, everyone was loving them and their music. Their fan base grew bigger and although there were some who would confess their love for my girl, I never felt threatened cause despite Xiaoting knowing her way to flirt while singing, I'm the one she goes home to. 

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Their success went by so fast and they're now finally having their own tour. We had yet another discussion about it. I've been behind the scenes for most of her gigs and yes there were several crazy fans who would attempt to jump on her just to hug her and she responds accordingly. She knows that even though I don't say anything about it, as much as possible she shields herself from it. I would thank her band mates every time it gets out of hand. This upcoming tour was another great opportunity for her and like I always say, I am proud of everything she has accomplished. But for some reason, I began to feel something. A gut feeling that this would result to something bad. I tried to take it off my mind. I trust her and she had done nothing to break that. 

"Are you sure you won't be able to go with me on this tour babe? I would really love to experience this with you as well" she said and as much as I wanted to go, work had me to stay behind. 

"I'm really sorry babe. If I wasn't promoted to be an assistant director, I would love to be with you as well. But we'd in the middle of filming then so I can't" 

I can see how that really made her sad so to compromise for the months we won't be together, I took some time off work and she did the same and we just went on a vacation. We went out of the country and really made the most of the time together. 

Our first stop was Jeju Island. We've been wanting to go there for some time now and since we're both on break we took the chance to go. Then we got carried away and went to other Asian countries that we could fit in two weeks. By the time we got back, we were so exhausted yet fulfilled that we were able to do something we both been wanting to do. 

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They've been on the road for two weeks now but she never missed a day without updating me on what they're doing.  If she wouldn't be able to call, she would send me messages and it calms me that even though I was not with her, it didn't feel that way because of how constant she communicates with me. 

Two months after, the tour was a success and they were on their way home now. I was so excited to see her that I even asked my friends to help me set up a surprise party for the band. Her last update was that they were two hours away from home so we quickly finished the preparation. 

Mentally I was counting down the time until I get to see her that I kept looking at the clock. Just thirty more minutes and I'd be able to hug her again. 

Ten minutes passed the time she told me she'd be home but I never received an update from her. If not for Bora saying that Zhe texted her that they got caught up in traffic and that they'll drop by the label first, I wouldn't know where they were. 

It turned into an hour before she called saying that they just finished one last meeting and they're on their way home now. That somehow calmed me down but the gut feeling came back. I don't understand why I'm feeling it but it's making me uneasy. 

I heard the door open and it revealed Yenny and Yubing, then Rui Qi and Zhe and finally Xiaoting. What surprised me was Yujin coming along as well. 

"Hi girls. I'm sorry for the delay. My boss wanted to personally congratulate the band for a successful tour" Yujin explained and we just nodded in response. 

The party started and the rest went on sharing what happened during the tour. Although I know most of it already, it was funny how they told their side of the story. Xiaoting held my hand the whole night and never left my side and I was happy once again. She's back in my arms and that's what matters. 

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We went back to our routine as they were given a break before they start working on a new album. I would wake up with breakfast already prepared and a smiling Xiaoting greeting me with a kiss. I missed this. And it was always a great way to wake up seeing the person you love first thing in the morning. She then would drop me off at the office before she went back home. Then she would pick me up after and we would eat out. Then we would go home and talk about our day. She would tell me about the songs she was working on and would ask me about my thoughts about it. By the time they had to go back in the studio, she was able to present a few more songs. 

The label was impressed by how dedicated she was in writing their own music that they didn't need to change anything. I take pride in helping her out with that just like how she still helps me when I reach a roadblock at work.  

I was used to her asking about my input about her work. But as their popularity grew bigger, I started feeling that she was slowly getting eaten up by it. She would stay longer in the studio and would forget to fetch me from work. She would apologize when she gets home and I would understand. And that went on for months.  

Xiaoting and I rarely fight because our routine includes talking about things before we go to sleep. But lately, I find myself sleeping alone in our apartment as she is still in the studio or out meeting up with other artists. I did my best to understand and just think that it was a way for them to expand their influence and for future collaboration as well.  

I remember there was a whole week when she went home drunk and would just sleep without even saying anything to me. And every time I tried to talk to her about it she just kept saying she's tired and isn't sober enough for a conversation but then the next day she would be out again.  

They finished their new album and were about to go on another tour. It would be longer this time as they would be performing out of the country. I wasn't working on any drama or movie at that time so I was expecting her to want me to be with her. But she never asked.  

There were a lot of questions on my mind but I couldn’t get any answers because the person I wanted to ask them was always unavailable. I don’t know why this is happening but to me, it felt like she was giving more time to her music than with me. And I tried to understand the best that I can that this is her dream. It’s funny if you think about it, because for me it felt like I was competing with her music. Which I am not. I just wanted her to find the balance to have time for me and for music, like how we started.  

I waited patiently until she got back from another successful tour. I didn’t even prepare any party because all those months without her got me thinking if it was still worth it for me to even stay. I was starting to get used be just by myself again and with her fame rising, I don’t want to have to compete for her attention even more. I knew what time their flight would land and already estimated and allotted the time until she reaches our home. 

Our home. Well, it didn’t feel like that anymore. 

I waited and waited til it was late. But it was only until the next morning that I saw her coming inside and by the looks of it, not sober. I helped her with her things and even assisted her in the shower cause she’s clearly close to passing out. I saw some marks on her body but I chose not to say anything yet. I’m not going to get any clear answers in her current state. But deep down, I was already screaming. I tucked her to bed and left her alone to rest. 

When she woke up, I heated the food I prepared and as I watch her eat with so much gusto, I went down memory lane from the time I met her. Remembering the first time I saw her smiling at me from afar. From getting to know each other, to making it official, to introducing her to my parents, to living together, to writing songs together, to celebrating our anniversaries, to finally achieving her dreams and all the others wonderful things we did. I didn't realize that my tears already fell thinking that I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss us. 

"Babe, why are you crying?" She asked and that brought me back to reality. 

I shook my head. "I'm... I'm just proud of you. For living the life you always dreamed of. You're able to not just share your music but you're also able to inspire a lot of people to do everything they can do to achieve it" 

She engulfed me in a tight hug, the one I've been longing for as well but it felt different now. I had a lot of questions and I wanted answers but I'm also scared to hear them. And so I kept mum about it and maybe that was a mistake on my part cause that only prolonged my agony. 

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I took a leave from work to surprise her one time. It was her birthday after all. So I prepared some dishes and was planning to go to their company. Some of the staff already knows me but when I greeted them, they seem surprised to see me. I didn't think any different and just continued to go to the studio where I know they're staying. I was greeted by Rui Qi who was on her way out. When I got inside, Yenny and Yubing were in their usual clingy selves while Zhe was sleeping on one of the couches. I looked around but you weren't present. 

"Oh Yurina, she just stepped out with Yujin. Getting coffee or something" Yenny said when she saw me. I nodded in response but the moment I heard her mention Yujin, I felt uneasy. I placed the food on the table and sat down on one of the chairs. 

Rui Qi came back and saw what I prepared. The look on her face was somewhere between surprised and worried. I pretended not to notice but I saw her sending eye signals to the rest of the band. 

A few minutes later, the door opened and revealed Xiaoting wearing a different kind of smile and what else is different? Her holding Yujin's hand. They did have coffee in their free hands but I saw the way they looked at each other and I was familiar with it. They immediately let go when they saw me and Yujin then proceeded to talk to the other producer in the room. Xiaoting's expression says a lot and I already knew.  It broke my heart realizing that, that is why she's been so distant lately and why she chose to stay in the studios longer. All for her dream right? 

I was planning to stay the whole day but with what just happened, I don't think I could do that. So I just handed her my gift.  

"I hope you have a good birthday Xiaoting" I said then left without even looking back. I was clenching my jaw so hard while I did my best to not let my tears from falling. It wasn't until I got inside my car that I let it all out.  

Not a few moments later, I heard someone tapping on the window and saw that it was the reason why I'm crying right now. I contemplated whether to let her in or just drive away. But I don't think I could still drive in my current state so I unlocked the door.  

"Babe?" She started while attempting to hold my hand which I quickly dodged.  

"Am I still that?" I asked sarcastically.  

"Please let me explain"  

I imagined having this talk in private where no random person could see me crying my eyes out. I guess luck isn't really on my side.  

"What else is there to explain? Are you gonna tell me that it's not what it looks like? That my eyes were deceiving me or I'm just imagining things? Cause I'm gonna tell you as well that, that's bull!" 

She started crying as well and we probably looked like but I didn't care anymore. All I wanted now was to get away from her but I'd be taking her with me if I do that. She tried to hold my hand again but I moved away.  

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I... I don't what I can do to make it up to you"  

I calmed myself before facing her again. It took a couple of minutes but I was able to. Once I did, I held her hand this time and seeing her face hurts even more. But I know I had to do it.  

"Let's.... let's just do the mature thing here and end this Xiaoting. I d....don't want to be that person who will just hold you back in the future. We had a good run but I... I don't think I could still be with you after today"  

"Babe please don't do this" she begged and I was so close to taking back everything I just said.  

"I'm sorry you had to cry on your birthday. And I'm sorry for doing this but I hope you understand why"  

I saw her hesitate but eventualy nodded in agreement. So I wiped her tears and did what I never thought I had to do and gave her one last kiss.  

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I moved out of the apartment, quit my job and went back to Japan. I needed to be in a different place to help me move on and the months I stayed home really helped...somehow.

When I got an offer to work at another entertainment company, I accepted it right away and so I went back to Seoul. I stayed with my friends Mashiro and Youngeun for a while until I found my own apartment. I heard that the band has gotten more popular and even won some awards which is great, because they do deserve it. 

We didn't get the happy ending and maybe I'm also to blame for not being strong enough to keep fighting for us. Being away made me realize that maybe we weren't really a perfect match. I'm not happy that we broke up but I'm still happy that she was able to continue living her dreams even though I am no longer a part of it.

 I still wish her the best and hope that she continue to create music to inspire people and if we ever see each other again, I'd still be proud to say she were once mine. And maybe I'd find someone new, just like how she found hers. And maybe just maybe, we'll have the ending we wanted... just not with each other.