https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FZrx12FhyU

It's been a three months since the proposal and I tried my best to be happy for you and Seulgi. Nothing much has changed with the routine we had. We would still hang out every chance we had, the movie, karaoke and drinking nights stayed the same. But ever since that night, it's like I was on autopilot. That my body just got so used to the routine that even my responses where automatic. Seulgi didn't even notice but I know you did.

We never got to talk about what happened before Seulgi popped the question. And honestly, I don't know if we even have to talk about it. I wish we would but what difference would it make? You chose her and will always choose her. I'll just have to it up and be the supportive friend.

I tried going on dates, started entertaining other people, mostly the ones Seulgi introduces cause 'she finally realizes that it's also time for me to find my happy ending' and I try my best to enjoy myself whenever I'm with them. But at the end of the day, I succumbed to the darkness and drank my pain away.

How do I walk away from you entirely? How do I start forgetting about you? I wish you could tell me how.

Seulgi called me up one day and asked if I could stay with you cause she was stranded in the island where they shot a certain dance video for their promotions and it was raining cats and dogs. She knows you get scared of the lightning and thunder. I know that too. So of course, I said yes. You weren't even surprised when I showed up at your door. You let me in and handed me a towel to dry myself. You also made me some tea and I happily drank it. This was the first time in a long time that we were ever alone and I was scared. Scared that with just one touch, I'll be back to square one. I was making a little progress with moving on. Emphasis on little. But hey, progress is progress no matter how small the percentage is.

We settled on watching a movie on Netflix. A movie that somehow reflects our situation. As the movie progressed, I felt you shifting your position from time to time and I didn't understand why. Then you suddenly stood up and left the room. I was confused and was contemplating whether to follow you or not.

A few minutes later you went back and sat down. I looked at you and despite your attempt to make it seem that you didn't just cry, I already noticed it. When the movie ended,  silence enveloped us. It was deafening despite the roar of lightning and thunder in the background. I can feel you slightly shaking with the intensity of mother nature happening.  I wanted to hug you, to shield you from the raging party outside but I didn't want to assume you would like me to hold you when I know it's Seulgi you would rather be with. I'm sorry I was the one stuck with you tonight.

You tried to break the silence by holding my hand and  asking me how I was doing. I would say I'm okay but you know I am not so there was no point in lying.

"I'm trying the best I can Joohyun."

"Seungwan...I'm...I'm sorry"

"You don't need to apologize. I understand" I understand that there's really no chance for us to be together and I have to accept that.

"But I hurt you and I didn't mean to do that." I know you didn't mean to hurt me like you did. You did give me certain hope when you told me you like me too but liking someone is different from loving someone.

"Like I said, I understand"

"You probably hate me and you just didn't want to admit it"

"I can never hate you." And it's true.

You went silent as we stared at each other's eyes. The storm outside started to calm down but my insides were not. I wanted to kiss you so bad but that would be so wrong. And as much as I want to drown in your eyes, I looked away.

"You should go to sleep before the lightning and thunder comes back. " And with a slight hesitation, you nodded and went to your room.

I wanted to follow you, tuck you to bed and all but then I thought maybe my mere presence here is enough to not make you feel alone.

An hour or two went by, as I was entertaining myself with a series that I started a few weeks back, the lightning and thunder came back and I heard you scream. I ran to your room and saw you in a fetal position. I quickly went to your side and just hugged you, waited until you calmed down. You asked me if I could stay beside you until you fall back to sleep and I did.

I would do anything for you.

Months went on and the wedding was approaching faster than I anticipated. Only a week from now and you and Seulgi will embark to the next great adventure of your lives. Seulgi had her bachelorette party just two days ago and now it was your turn and of course I was also invited, mainly because Seulgi trusts me better than any of your friends to take care of you if you drank too much. So here I am waiting outside of your house, leaning on the limo Seulgi rented to take us and your friends to and from the bar. When you got out of the house, Seulgi was right behind you.

"Wannie, please take care of my future wife, okay?" Seulgi asked  as she hugged me then kissed you in front of me and I just nodded as I open the car door for you. We fetched your friends and off to the bar we go.

Drinks kept coming and despite my high alcohol tolerance, I controlled my drinking because my best friend entrusted your well being to me that night and she would kill me if anything happens to you. So even if you were dragged to the dance floor by your friends from time to time, I was keeping an eye out. Checking if any guy or girl dares to approach you in an inappropriate way. I guess it does help that you were wearing a sash that says 'Bride To Be", so so far no stranger danger alert.

I was already on my tenth beer when I saw you stumbling your way back to our table and went you finally sat down beside me, you hugged me so tight I can feel your breathe on my neck and I gulped hard. I think you've drank enough so I asked if you wanted to go home but you shook your head so I just let us stay in that position for a while. Your friends came back as well to recharge their bodies with alcohol and something Joy said kind of triggered me.

"You know Seungwan, if Joohyun didn't introduce Seulgi, I would think that you were that person she was referring to who she was head over heels with. I mean, she clings on you like a koala. Like now" she said then grabbed a new beer on the table and went back to the dance floor.

Thanks Joy. Thanks for slapping it to my face that Joohyun chose Seulgi because they met first. I sighed deeply and just distracted myself with the drinks in front of me.

It was supposed to be me who was to take care of you that night but it went the other way around as you helped me walked inside your house and let me settle in your couch. It was definitely the alcohol in me cause sober me would not be speaking without thinking first. You were about to get up after tucking me in but I asked you to stay and you did.

"Why can't it be me Hyun? Why can't it be us?" I said to you and I felt you stiffen. "I'm still not over you but I guess I have to finally let go."

"Seungwan"

"No, listen to me" I said then tried to sit up and you helped me. "Why did you have to tell me you like me too then say yes to her? Why did you have to give me false hope only to be turned down in an instant? Why Joohyun? Why?"

Tears started to fall from both our eyes but I tried my best to look at you and hopefully find the answers I was looking for.

"S..Seungwan, I thought you understood. You told me you understood why I chose her."

"Maybe at that time but forgive me for saying these out loud. She's my best friend and yes I've known her for a long time. Meaning I know she messes up from time to time or did you not forget the time she cheated on you with your friend Joy? Or the times she forgets to pick you up when she told you she would? Or when she goes out with her dance mates and forgets you exist that she didn't bother even updating you making you worried as hell? Or the first time we met, d’you remember that? She knew you are claustrophobic yet she pushed you inside that closet? She has hurt you more times that I could count but you still go back to her. I didn't mean to fall in love with you Joohyun but I did and it ing hurts me everytime because I keep wishing that you wake up one day and realize that you have feelings for me too, that you finally realize I could never hurt you the way she did. And you did have feelings for me, you admitted to it but then you turn around and accepted her proposal." I wasn't done but I feel so exhausted that I just let the tears to continuously fall and just hope that when I wake up the next I would be all better or even forget about it. But I know that's not going to happen.

I thought that you would ask me to leave your house after what happened but you didn't. I closed my eyes and maybe you thought I was already asleep because then you leaned in my ear.

"I'm really sorry Seungwan for everything. I hope one day you forgive me. Maybe in another life we get to have our own happy ending." Then you kissed my lips and I so wanted to kiss you back but then I was pretending to sleep right? You stood up and heard your bedroom close and I tried to get that sleep. Tonight was very tiring and draining but it's not because of the activities in the bar. Tonight I finally realized that I should let them be fully happy without me in the picture.

The day of the wedding came and Seulgi couldn't stand still making me dizzy with all the walking back and forth she was doing.

"Dude. Just chill. What are you so nervous about?" I asked my bestfriend and she finally stopped pacing and faced me.

"Wannie, what if I mess up? What if today turns into a disaster? Joohyun would really kill me for ruining our wedding day. What if she doesn't show up and leave me in the altar? ! I can't lose her"

"Seulgi bear, just calm down. Today's gonna be great. If you mess up by let's say tripping, we'll probably laugh at you but Joohyun will still be with you. No, she won't leave you because she loves you so much and no you won't lose her because I would hunt her down and make her come back to you" I said without a hint of bitterness.

I am happy for my best friend. And yes, I don't approve of the things she has done in the past especially for hurting Joohyun but I've come in terms with the fact that they really deserve each other.

The ceremony started and my mouth drooled when I saw you walking down the aisle with that dress that definitely shows off your perfect body. Out of the many people in attendance, you caught my eye and we stared for a couple of seconds before Seulgi stepped in front of me to take your hand. The priest asked if there was anybody who objects and as much as I wanted to say yes, I couldn't. And so the wedding proceeded. Seulgi already said her I do's and now it was your turn. All eyes were on you as the priest asked you the questions and down to the final one that would seal everything, you stared beyond Seulgi's eyesight and looked at me as if asking permission and who was I to say you can't. So I nodded and you said I do. The priest gave the final blessing and Seulgi lifted your veil and kissed you. 

We went to the reception area and we all waited for the newly weds to arrive and when you did, you wore your biggest smile and it hit me hard. The program went on and I was startled when the host called my name to give my speech. I stood up and went in the middle, facing you and everyone.

"Good evening everyone, my name is Son Seungwan and I am Seulgi's best friend. I've known this bear for years and let me tell you, it's hard being her friend." Everyone laughed and you did too. "There was a time in college that she prioritized her dancing instead of studying and almost failed so I had to smack some sense into her. We would do silly things, well it was mostly her ideas and we would get caught and suffer the scolding by our parents together. But when she met Joohyun, I saw her mature. To be honest, I was skeptical at first when she introduced Joohyun as her girlfriend. Knowing this bear, she would flaunt every person she was dating, but it took her a while to let me and our friends know about her making me realize that things were really serious this time. So serious that I was surprised when she showed me the ring she was planning to buy. And so she proposed and here we are now. To Joohyun, thank you for coming to my bestfriend's life. You may not know this but you saved her life. To Seulgi, take care of your wife. Adore her like how you adore your dance shoes, cherish every moment you spend with her and lastly, love her like the world is ending. You both deserve each other and so let's raise our glass for the newly weds!" We raised our glass but my speech wasn't done yet. I sat down on the piano.

"Seulgi asked me to write a song in her point of view. So here's for you Joohyun"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UJ07M-Rwhs&list=PLdJWHjIHASVED8IkcCTSwZBza62P9twxv&index=3&t=0s

I used to think that this was something that would drive a man crazy
Now lookin' back it's kinda clear I
Needed someone who would step in and save me
Unwilling to trust, I guess I was lost
I thought it didn't exist
Uncovered my eyes, my vision's so clear
And I could not resist

You are the one, where I belong
And I don't need to play cause I've already won with you
You can dive right in cause I'll never give up on you

Then Seulgi stood up and sang the rest of the lines.

Running round running wild thinking nothing could tame me
But all I needed was a little time maybe just a little persuading
Definition of beautiful, so wonderful don't change
Now I'm willing to trust so let me get lost in you

You are the one, where I belong
And I don't need to play cause I've already won with you
You can dive right in cause I'll never give up on you

It's you
It's you
It's you
Only you

You are the one, all that I want
Now you know how I feel when the words get in the way
You can dive right in knowing that I'm gonna keep you safe
It's you

When the song ended, you stared at each other’s eyes, like you were in your own bubble and I just sat there watching.

The party came to an end and as the guests started to leave, I fixed my stuff as well and was about to leave as well. You approached me as Seulgi was still talking to her parents.

“The song was really beautiful Seungwan.”

I just nodded in response.

“Are you really going to Canada?” Sadness evident in your tone. If you tell me not to go, I won’t but it’s time for me to let go.

“Yes Joohyun. I have to take care of the family business there. I’ll still call whenever I can” I said without any emotions and you didn’t ask anymore. Seulgi arrived so I hugged both of you and with one last look, I said goodbye.

Each step I take away from you feels so heavy. Maybe someday or in another life like you said, we’ll have our own happy ending. But for now, I want to be okay with walking away.