Autumn had turned to winter and by now Youngjae could almost remember what his life was like before meeting Daehyun. Almost.

Yet with almost he was lying to himself, with almost Youngjae tried to forget. Because the only thing that had changed, from before he knew Daehyun to now, was the beating of his heart and the growing pain he felt every time a thought reminded him that Daehyun would not look his way. At least not in the way Youngjae wanted him to.

And he felt angry. It was an anger directed towards himself, only because he could not get a hold of himself, could not bring himself to try and forget Daehyun.

Because Youngjae had realized that he was only hurting.

And as much as Youngjae tried to ignore the stinging pain in his chest, every time he took a step forward it seemed that he immediately took two steps back again.

As if his heart could not accept retreating back into its shell after Youngjae had finally been able to talk to Daehyun. After he had finally been noticed by him.

But there was nothing he could do anymore. His mind had taken over his heart, for the better, Youngjae thought.

And with the months passing by, Youngjae started to avoid Daehyun at all costs. Thinking it would help him get over the pain of knowing he would never be loved back.

Their conversation in the hallways at the beginning of autumn had twisted the ugly truth so brazenly in front of Youngjae’s face that he had grown terrified of facing what was bound to happen to his feelings once Daehyun would graduate.

This was the easy way out. This was safe.

And it almost worked.

Youngjae had taken up other interests to keep himself busy, joining the photography club on the opposite side of the school building, far away from the soccer field and track lines.

To take things off his mind, Youngjae told himself.

But two months in, the homeroom teachers of the graduating classes handed them a document asking the club to participate in the preparations for the yearbooks.

It wasn’t unusual for the club to take each student’s yearbook picture and Youngjae was sure that the more experienced members of the club would take on this task.

He leaned back in his seat, fiddling with the folder in his hands which he wanted to hand to his art teacher. Boring pictures of the outskirts of the city scattered inside, black and white, with no certain subject. But Youngjae felt a strange attachment to them.

“Youngjae?” Chayoung lightly grabbed his shoulder, a gentle smile on her lips as she looked at Youngjae expectedly.

Youngjae had not been paying attention, only now realizing that the few other club members were looking at him with subtle amused smiles.

“What?”

“I asked if you feel comfortable enough to take over one class?” She smiled again.

Chayoung was nice. There was a strange comfort radiating from her, making Youngjae feel as if he was being taken care of. Although he hadn’t known her for too long, Youngjae was sad to see her graduate this year.

But despite how nice she was, Youngjae could not make any sense out of her words, and he must have been looking at her with the biggest look of astonishment on his face, as she broke out into sweet laughter.

“Because Youngho and I won’t be able to be of much help since finals are coming up and we’ll have to cram for our entrance exams,” Chayoung said, ever-so smiling and Youngjae could feel himself instantly agreeing to her request because of her gentle face. “I know you just joined us, but we all think you’ll be able to do it without any problems. And if you have any questions about formatting or something else you can ask Seungjoon for help, he’s been doing it since his freshman year.”

The words were stuck in Youngjae’s throat, after all, he didn’t have any valid reason to refuse. Even if he would say that there is this one person he’s been trying to avoid at all means, it wasn’t really an argument worth mentioning if he didn’t want to sound like an .

There wasn’t much to say, Youngjae thought to himself as he looked over to where Seungjoon was, the boy immediately giving him a silent thumbs up before he looked back down to the laptop in his lap.

And if Youngjae were to take over one of the classes, it didn’t have to mean that it would be Daehyun’s class. The chances were incredibly low.

“Sure, I can do that.”

Chayoung squeaked in glee, giving Youngjae a half-hearted hug, telling him he was a life saver.

It wasn’t until Youngjae was on his way to meet Chayoung and Seungjoon after school a couple of weeks later, when things started to spiral out of control.

Of course, there had been that lingering thought at the back of his mind still, constantly reminding Youngjae that he could very well get Daehyun’s class. But Youngjae had been pushing it away into thin air as hard he could, wanting to ignore the possibility of seeing Daehyun just a couple of months before he would leave.

But luck had never been on his side.

Youngjae should have felt it in the way the air cut into his skin, slowly stripping apart his composure.

Or the way the clouds moved east a little too fast.

But it was the way Youngjae’s name rang in the crisp air.

Coming from behind Youngjae, Daehyun called his name standing right outside the school’s building on top of the stairs.

Youngjae hadn’t known Daehyun had still been there, even less so, never in his wildest dreams would Youngjae have imagined hearing Daehyun calling him like that.

Like someone Daehyun wanted to see, wanted to talk to.

It sounded wonderful, Youngjae could almost feel his heart breaking as he turned around and slowly walked toward Daehyun, unsure of what to do or say.

So, he just repeated Daehyun’s action, saying the older boy’s name, his voice soft as he stopped in his tracks in front of Daehyun.

The smile on Daehyun’s face tore Youngjae apart, bit by bit until he knew resisting was meaningless.

“I just heard from Chayoung,” Daehyun said, the tone of his voice so clear that Youngjae knew he would be able to drown in it.

And he almost did if it weren’t for Daehyun’s words.

Youngjae had been aware of Daehyun knowing Chayoung, they have been friends for some time, probably longer than Youngjae could have been aware of since the two of them went to the same middle school before.

So it wasn’t anything strange for them to talk about the upcoming yearbook photos, even less so since Chayoung was a member of the photography club and had been the one taking the photos the past couple of years.

But once Daehyun’s lips started moving Youngjae felt dread dragging him down.

Daehyun was wrapped up in a long coat, the checkered scarf wrapped around his neck gave Youngjae every right to daydream about pulling him closer by it, and if this was anything but reality, kiss him.

But this was reality. And Daehyun was looking at Youngjae with that sweet, gentle smile on his lips. Possibly waiting for an answer but Youngjae had not listened.

Youngjae only looked at Daehyun, thoughts tousled and tangled and Daehyun seemed to understand.

“Chayoung told me you’ll be taking yearbook photos,” Daehyun said, repeated, and Youngjae couldn’t help but notice how his slips slightly parted and his eyes darted all over Youngjae’s face. As if he was looking for something.

Daehyun gave him a smile, it was a slow pulling on the corner of his mouth, a short flare of teeth and his honey voice that came after.

“I haven’t seen you around for so long, I’m glad I’ll be seeing you more often.”

And with that, Daehyun waved goodbye and disappeared out of Youngjae’s sight, almost like a dream. As if Youngjae had made their conversation up. As if Youngjae had made up the sharp guilt of hope lingering in Daehyun’s eyes.

It was clear that he had not.

So clear to anyone else who saw the way Daehyun looked after him the day Youngjae disappeared in the school’s hallway after stopping by the vending machine.

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it's been so long

I really wish to finish this, and hope some of you are still reading <3