The thought of trying to talk to Daehyun was stuck in Youngjae's mind as he entered the apartment which he was still reluctant to call his home.

His mother wasn't back from her office yet, and the small entryway with its connected open living room was completely dark.

It wasn't unusual for his mother to come back home late in the evening, and Youngjae didn't mind all that much. He loved his mother, of course he did, but it wasn't always easy to be around her.

His mother's expectations were high, and sometimes Youngjae felt as if he could not talk about anything else except what had happened in his classes and after-school cram sessions with his tutor.

It was overwhelming, almost suffocating and Youngjae couldn't help but enjoy being alone at home.

He liked the spacious living room and the way their windows reached from the ceiling to the floor, overlooking the blue of the river which almost felt like a barricade standing in between him and his never-ending thoughts of a boy at school who will never look his way.

Youngjae could not think of a situation where it would not seem odd that he was talking to Daehyun all of a sudden. He let his body slump against the cushions of the sofa, leaning against the backrest of the piece of furniture to let his gaze drift across the flickering lights that reflected themselves in the water of the river.

His mood had turned into melancholy as Youngjae thought about never being able to talk to Daehyun, about letting the days pass until Daehyun would graduate without ever overcoming his feelings for him. Or, optimistically, maybe telling Daehyun what he feels.

His heart thumped loudly against his chest, and without thinking too much Youngjae grabbed his phone and opened his messages, his thumb indecisively hovering over his and Junhong's kakaotalk chat.

Junhong had told him time and time again today to just talk to Daehyun, and Youngjae's chances of getting something else out of his best friend were probably pretty slim.

He needed someone to look at his dilemma with a different perspective, someone who didn't know that this had been tearing Youngjae apart for so long already.

Youngjae ignored the unread messages that popped up in the group chat of his friends from his class and looked for Yongguk's name.

There was a simmering feeling lingering in the back of Youngjae's mind that Yongguk would figure him out all too soon. Yongguk never told him, but Youngjae was sure that he had noticed how Youngjae would always search for Daehyun with his eyes whenever he visited Yongguk in his classroom.

It should scare Youngjae to be found out by someone else, but knowing it was Yongguk who would know seemed more reassuring than frightening.

So Youngjae closed his eyes for a moment, to forget what he was, and had been for months, so scared of. He knew Yongguk wouldn't mind.

There was nothing to be scared of.

Youngjae:

Yongguk hyung, have you ever confessed to somebody?

The text had been a bit more vague than Youngjae thought it would have been, but the sense of security it gave him had Youngjae relaxing into the couch.

He let his eyes drift over the slowly brightening city lights for a bit before typing out a second message, afraid he would take Yongguk by surprise with that question.

Youngjae:

ah sorry, that came out of the blue, I was just wondering

Youngjae locked his phone, hoping to be able to distract himself from thinking how Yongguk would receive his question. It really wasn't as if Youngjae had told him that he was practically in love with Daehyun and that he knew that he had no chance.

So why did Youngjae's heart hammer against his ribcage, and why did his stomach twist so uncomfortably. Even after reassuring himself that Yongguk wasn't someone to reject Youngjae as a person because he liked a boy.

But Youngjae couldn't know. It was a topic so taboo, even the sweetest of people could show their true sides once disgust made itself apparent on their faces after hearing about a boy liking a boy, a girl liking a girl.

Youngjae tried to pass his time even with those thoughts lingering in the air still. It was as if the only thing Youngjae could think of that day was Daehyun, and how he could ever find the courage to talk to him, and how all of this, everything, scared him so much that his throat constricted his airway ever so slightly.

Youngjae moved to his room after some time, not wanting to bump into his mother as his mood was slowly worsening with anxiety creeping into his bones.

He was lying on his bed when his phone vibrated against his sheets. Youngjae dropped the video game he had been playing to trick himself into thinking about something else and grasped for his phone. He unlocked it with unsteady fingers, hesitating to open Yongguk's message for the shortest moment.

Yongguk hyung

sorry had practice

A second later Youngjae's phone vibrated against his hand, and Youngjae focused on the message that had appeared.

Yongguk Hyung

I confessed to a girl in my grade at the beginning of my second year, but she moved away so it didn't work out kk

do you have someone you want to confess to?

The question took Youngjae by surprise, and a sudden well of scorching panic overflowed his mind, leaving his thinking process much in a disarray.

Youngjae

ah not really, I really was just wondering

Youngjae tossed his phone aside and closed his eyes for a while, he slowly rolls onto his back, and once he felt like being confronted with reality again. He opened his eyes only to be met with the ceiling that was drenched in the blue of the breaking night.

Seldomly he felt this lonely, this scared of everything tumbling down around him. And there was no getting used to it.

Youngjae's feelings overwhelmed everything he had ever known, and he wondered if anyone knew what it felt like.

Did anyone else before him go through such agonizing heartbreak, without having their heart gotten broken?

He had realized that the world was spun differently.

And that love would not come his way.

If love were to ever look upon him.

Summer passed slowly, trickling along like the silent drops of a faucet in an abandoned classroom. It dragged and dragged, and Youngjae wondered how he had ended up on the subway on his way to school that Monday morning.

It was the last semester he would see Daehyun.

And surely, heartbreak was just months from grasping him by the collar.

Youngjae could not think too long about it, feeling the urge to repress every emotion connected to the senior. He wanted to forget for just a while, just a moment. Because he is never able to.

It was as if his mind had decided to connect everything to Daehyun. The asphalt, still wet from last night’s downpour, with footsteps echoing in the air almost taking Youngjae back to the day he had seen Daehyun run.

The wind, not as soft as it should have been by the end of August, too much like April and longing gazes that have never been returned. It tousled his hair cruelly until he had stepped into the subway station.

The ride to school seemed to last forever without really being all that long. And Youngjae felt his heart tighten as he walked down the stairs of the station, he clenched his fists by his sides, not knowing how to last through the day.

His own steps echoing in his ears laughed at him, at how weak he truly was.

Of course, people would joke about him, Youngjae could reminisce about every single time he had been told to be such a fragile little thing.

They were meant as compliments, oh he was such a pretty child was he not? So much like his mother, who would, in turn, twist her lips into a cold smile and guide Youngjae by the hand to someplace else. The hallway of the gathering they had gone to, or the living room of a relative's place.

Youngjae was glad his mother never reduced him to his looks as a child, but maybe everyone else had been right.

Because Youngjae could feel his bones stiffen alongside his blood that had seemed to slow down once Youngjae reached his school's gates.

He felt pathetic, how had he allowed one person to have this much of an impact on him.

But as the early morning sun gleamed over the school's roof, Youngjae knew he would never feel this way about someone else.

He would never experience his first love again.

Youngjae knew by the way the thought crossed his mind, that if he didn't try now, he would never get the chance to do so.

With his heart and steps heavy, Youngjae walked on the school grounds. As he passed by girls who were talking about their summer with lollipops in between their cherry lips, and boys who weren't doing all that much more than Youngjae himself was doing, the feeling of normality crashed over him like waves against a cliff.

How could he feel so down when nothing had changed?

He couldn't stop thinking about it as he walked up the small hill and once Youngjae had reached the gates, he wasn't so sure of how he would ever be able to start talking to Daehyun.

It would seem so odd, now that Daehyun was pretty much done with high school and Youngjae had only really talked to him once.

With his thoughts clinging to the clouds, Youngjae didn't notice the first time Yongguk had called his name. The second time made Youngjae's head twist, and his throat tightened.

Daehyun was standing at the same place Youngjae had seen him before their summer break. By the benches at the side with his friends, one of them being Yongguk to Youngjae's surprise.

It was strange because summer had passed and Youngjae was nowhere near the mindset he had had in July. Nothing had changed. But time seemed to have passed so slowly that seeing Daehyun now felt like seeing an unrequited love after years, only to realize that his feelings had never changed.

Youngjae clenched his jaw softly.

Realizing that Yongguk had called him over, Youngjae slowly made his way over to the group of people.

He unconsciously clenched his hands into fists, avoiding Daehyun's eyes as he reached them with a short smile and a greeting.

"How was summer?" Yongguk asked and Youngjae wanted to answer that summer really didn't feel like anything at all and he wasn't sure how a full month had gone by, but the words were caught by his tongue before he could utter them.

"Fine." Was all that left his lips and Youngjae hoped he didn't seem as rude to the other three, but Yongguk only smiled and reached out to squeeze Youngjae's shoulder. "How was yours?"

"Terrible, all I did was study, and I don't think I can take another six months of this." It was said in a jokingly manner but behind the small laugh, Youngjae could manage he could only think about how they would be gone in six months.

And six months had never seemed so short.

The silence cut the air unannounced, and without wanting to, Youngjae's gaze flickered up to Daehyun to find those warm honey eyes looking back at him. It was short, but the shiver running down Youngjae's arms made August seem as cold as November.

Yongguk was the first one to speak, clearing his throat as if he was interrupting someone. "We have to go, Professor Choi wanted to speak to us because of practice hours."

"Because he's the first one we want to see on a Monday morning," joked one of the other boys Youngjae recognized from the evenings where he had waited for Yongguk to finish his track and field practice.

He seemed to be the co-captain of the team, running after Yongguk like a loyal little puppy as Youngjae reciprocated their waves goodbye.

Youngjae let his eyes linger on the three boys as they walked towards the entrance, noticing how Daehyun hadn't moved from his spot but he for sure would go with them, why would he not?

But the doors closed behind Yongguk's back and Youngjae couldn't help but turn to Daehyun, hoping to seem nonchalant but the way his heartbeat picked up speed was proving that he was not even close to being calm.

Youngjae didn't expect the smile he was met with as his eyes met Daehyun's, and already having seen it coming, the air got stuck in Youngjae's throat and for a small moment, Youngjae felt his heart stop in its tracks.

Everything did. As if the world were at a standstill, the trees stopped whispering and the sounds of the nearby street disappeared into the ground. Almost like they had been swallowed.

"So, summer was," Daehyun stopped for the fraction of a second, seemingly looking for the right words but Youngjae was already clinging onto his lips, "fine?"

His pretty smile turned into a shy twist of lips and for some reason, it felt so out of place, Youngjae was sure he had never seen Daehyun so reluctant before.

It stirred a slight panic in Youngjae's guts, unwanted whispers in his head telling him that Daehyun knew.

Youngjae knew he couldn't know, Junhong was the only one who did and Youngjae had trusted him to not mention a single word about it to anyone.

He couldn't know.

Youngjae smiled, only feeling his lips turn up as he replied to Daehyun. "Yeah, what about you?"

The words coming out of his mouth felt so estranged as if someone else was pulling them by a rope from in between his teeth.

The entire situation was more like it had been dragged out of a dream, and Youngjae couldn't help the warmth that spread through his body as Daehyun started to tell him about summer and running through the woods and late nights sitting by his desk with revision books left open and arms slung over them as he had fallen asleep.

Sweet, small chuckles fled from Youngjae's lips as he listened and it was as if they had always been talking about everything, every small little detail whether it was important or completely insignificant.

The world had closed in around the two of them, drowning out the sounds of the other students passing by and how could something so natural feel so intimate.

Daehyun was like pure sunshine after months of snow and grey skies, Youngjae almost wanted to ignore the school bell, and as Daehyun stopped talking Youngjae almost thought there was the slightest hint of disappointment in the air.

They walked into the building in almost silence, trivial words leaving their lips as they were heading up the stairs until they reached Youngjae's floor.

Quick goodbyes were captured by the air and Youngjae walked down the hallway before being able to see Daehyun go up to the third floor.

It was too surreal, Youngjae had been worrying about trying to talk to Daehyun for months and all it took was for Yongguk to call him over.

Youngjae thought back to the way Daehyun had smiled, and the way his eyes had captured the mellow sunlight as it was slowly flooding the schoolyard.

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