"If I knew you'd be like this after just a few weeks, I would have told you to confess already," Junhong sighed, slumping back against the back of the chair. His head was tilted back, his eyes wandering aimlessly along the ceiling.

It was hot inside of Junhong's room, the summer humid and merciless. Youngjae was lying on the floor, holding a cool water bottle against his neck, the one he's put inside the fridge for a while.

A summer day like this one should feel all too familiar to the both of them, lazing around Junhong's room during summer vacation was a daily occupation that both of them preferred, rather than sitting in the harsh heat of the city.

Although Junhong telling Youngjae that he's heard enough about his unrequited crush was new, Youngjae didn't mind. He was glad that Junhong was taking it so well, Youngjae wouldn't have known what to do if he wasn't.

But even if Youngjae should be used to this situation, this summer was different.

A heavy sense of nostalgia was already lingering in the air, like a certain smell you're sure you'll never be able to smell again. In some way, it hurt, but for now, the excitement about their upcoming senior year was overlapping the pain of leaving everything they've known behind.

Moreover, Youngjae had been feeling a different kind of pain since the day they said goodbye to their seniors before their summer break, knowing the next semester would be their last.

There was only a hand full of people in the year above him that Youngjae was close to.

He thought of Yongguk, and his big smile accompanying his warm eyes. Youngjae would have to admit that he should be missing Yongguk the most, and in a way, he knows he will. He truly does.

Because they always spend their evenings studying together after classes are over, they take the same subway line home, although in different directions. Youngjae was feeling a little guilty, because he really should be missing Yongguk the most, after all, he's the senior Youngjae spends the most time with.

It felt a little stupid, to be missing someone Youngjae had never really been on speaking terms with. There were a few times when they've exchanged a couple of words; mostly out of formalities, Youngjae had to remind himself.

But Youngjae had started to realize that the small crush he had been harboring for nearly two years now held a bit more to it, something more serious.

And being honest with himself had never been more difficult.

Youngjae wasn't one to lie to himself. It was rather obvious to him that the feelings inside his guts were more than just genuine admiration for his senior. But it was so hard to accept.

How could he have possibly misplaced his lingering gaze on the older boy's back whenever Youngjae saw him in the hallways by the vending machine. Or the way Youngjae would always choose to sit by the window every Thursday and Friday, to oversee the soccer field with its running tracks surrounding it.

He had asked his classmate to switch seats with him on those days, not being able to explain why exactly, but offering to buy Jaehyun lunch had deemed to be sufficient enough.

And despite the smile which always found itself onto Youngjae's face whenever he saw his crush at school, it still weighed him down. It was a very heavy, lingering feeling in his stomach which had settled down over the years, but Youngjae had thought he would be able to ignore the way it was growing heavier.

But with his second year of high school stretching on, Youngjae wasn't able to avoid how his prolonged glances suddenly were not enough anymore.

Youngjae wanted to be closer, wanted to hold his hand after school was over, to meet up in the hallway by the staircase in between classes, to have lunch outside during spring.

Youngjae couldn't argue with Junhong, because the younger of them had every right to be complaining about Youngjae running his mouth off.

"You know I can't do that. He probably wouldn't know what to do if a boy confessed to him," Youngjae said, shifting on the floor until he was lying on his stomach, his cold-water bottle squeezed in between his cheek and Junhong's carpet.

Youngjae closed his eyes as Junhong started to speak, knowing what his friend was about to tell him.

"I don't think he would take it the wrong way."

Youngjae hummed, trying to ignore the subtle enthusiasm in Junhong's voice as if to give him hope.

"Worst case scenario, Daehyun Hyung would politely decline, I tell you," Junhong finished with a smile, one that Youngjae couldn't see, but hear through the way the younger one's voice rang in the air.

It was nice, how Junhong thought it would be so simple, so easy. Youngjae knew it wasn't like that, uncomplicated, as if he could just effortlessly confess his feelings to Daehyun.

He would have done it if it really were easy, painless.

The taste of rejection already lingered on the tip of his tongue, like bitter cough drops that were too hard to swallow immediately. Stuck in his throat, leaving an empty, gaping feeling behind once he let the words slip through his lips.

"I don't know, Junhong," Youngjae said after some time, his voice fading out by the end. Tears prickling at his eyes, hot. "I think you're overestimating him."

"Says you, you've been the one endlessly talking about him."

If Youngjae hadn't known Junhong as well as he did, it would have sounded like an accusation. Telling him to it up if he didn't have the guts to confess. To give up.

But Youngjae knew Junhong, he was well aware of how hopelessly optimistic Junhong was.

Right now, Junhong was angry with him. Not truly angry, he was frustrated by Youngjae's lack of hope. That would be better fitting, Youngjae thought.

"You should at least try to talk to him. I'm not telling you to go up to him on Monday and confess in front of everyone."

"I know, it's just not that easy," Youngjae said after getting up, resting his back against the frame of Junhong's bed.

He didn't know how to explain it to Junhong.

The ever-smiling boy, as tall as some celebrities, with bright eyes and a boisterous laugh. Youngjae saw the way the girls in their grade looked at his best friend. Without wanting to, Youngjae felt his heart sting with envy every time, thinking how easy Junhong had it.

How easy it would be if Youngjae hadn't fallen for his senior. Fallen for a boy.

Yet, for some reason, Youngjae would feel as if something were missing if it weren't for the agonizing longing tearing him apart piece by piece. What would he be doing in between classes if he weren’t sneaking over to their senior's classroom to talk to Yongguk. To try and take a look at Daehyun.

And the way, he would grin stupidly when one of his friends said something corny.

Or the way he would laugh, a piece of rice stuck to the corner of his mouth, the wrappers of his samgak kimbap scattered on his desk.

The way he would rest his head in between his arms, trying to sleep with the sun softly grazing his dark brown hair.

Youngjae's heart clenched at the thought of him, a sentiment so familiar it brought warmth with it.

Sometimes Youngjae wondered if his feelings were continuously lingering in his heart because he found it hard to give up. After all, Youngjae was so familiar with them.

Whenever he would think of Daehyun, Youngjae could feel his heart dropping a little, turning into a feeling heavy in his guts.

It was nice, in every way. His heart would skip beats and Youngjae would find himself smiling like an idiot just staring out of the window as he thought of Daehyun's smile.

Sometimes, late at night when the lights outside of his room were nothing but a dim shine, grazing through his curtains, Youngjae wondered if he truly knew what he was feeling. What if he mistook his own feelings for something that was all too simple. Admiration, a certain platonic fondness maybe.

It didn't sound right to him, but sometimes Youngjae wanted it to be that way.

So that he could breathe for at least a moment, leaving his anxiety behind. There was a constant fear rooted in the depths of Youngjae's heart. The fear of being found out by someone he never intended to know.

It stuck with him like a bad habit, Youngjae desperately wanted to leave it behind but the certainty of his life turning into hell rang in his ears. And it was too loud to be overheard.

That was why he could not tell Daehyun, could not tell anyone at all.

It wasn't as easy as it sometimes sounds like, be brave, get a grip and confess. He's heard it often enough on TV, read it in books, and heard his classmates tease each other with -eating grins on their faces because for them, it was just so, so easy.

It's not that easy, he wanted to tell Junhong. It isn't easy at all, Youngjae thought.

But how would he ever be able to explain how his heart raced the second he saw Daehyun in the hallway, just standing there with his friends. How would he explain the sinking of his guts whenever they locked eyes accidentally.

Youngjae feared that Daehyun knew. Knew about how Youngjae couldn't help but look at him, the way Daehyun was an everlasting thought always resting at the back of his mind.

Youngjae was terrified that Daehyun would make fun of him, push him away and yell at him because of how disgusting he was.

However optimistic Junhong was, Youngjae thought he knew how boys like him were looked upon where they lived. And not just boys, Youngjae had read about what occurred to some teens his age once they had been found out by their parents or classmates.

It was hideous.

Youngjae couldn't help but feel his stomach cramp up, scorching tears had pricked at his eyes and he wanted nothing more than to lay in his bed and forget about the world for as long as he could.

His mother had come in by the time it turned late and Youngjae hadn't come out for dinner. Her gentle words, asking if he had a fever or wasn't feeling well, didn't soothe his shaking hands underneath his covers.

How could anyone say it was easy.

Youngjae's futile attempts in telling himself that his feelings for Daehyun were platonic always ended up in his tears dried on the linen of his pillow.

Platonic love did not capture Youngjae's wanton wish to hold Daehyun's hand most of the time, or his need to embrace the older boy during rainy days, how Youngjae wanted to kiss Daehyun goodbye.

Youngjae didn't want to shatter Junhong's hopeful illusions, they even cheered him up in a way. Knowing how his best friend thought of his love as something he should pursue seemingly helped Youngjae in picturing his feelings as something he should cherish.

Because being in love was so beautiful.

Junhong spoke after a while, his eyes focused on Youngjae who was blankly staring at the wall opposite Junhong's bed.

"I never said it was easy." His lips were dry, drawn into a straight line and the glimmer in his eyes was still permanent but his cold voice dimmed it down to a blazing flicker.

"I don't know how scary it is. I don't know what you should be expecting," Junhong said with a voice so thin, Youngjae was afraid he wouldn't catch every word Junhong was uttering, "I just don't want to see you this sad. You might think you're able to hide it from me, but you're easy to read, Youngjae."

Without having time to respond, or even time to think of words he could tell Junhong, Youngjae felt Junhong's long limbs sling around his shoulders.

And Junhong had always been an exceptionally good hugger, the tension which had been resting on Youngjae's shoulders easing into Junhong's warm body. Youngjae relaxed in Junhong's hold, resting his head against his chest as he closed his eyes.

"Thanks, I think I needed to hear that."

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hi again, I hope you enjoyed reading ^^

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