The realization was like an earthquake spreading out from his epicenter of a heart. It was mind-numbing and scary yet all Jaemin felt was calm. There was something repressed which refused to come out under these circumstances. When Donghyuck asked him what’s wrong while offering him a bowl of his shelled out peanuts all Jaemin could do was refuse it. The lump stuck in his throat would not allow him to eat anything anyway. He had to get it out and tell someone but he didn’t know who. Donghyuck was an option but he was feeling unsure about telling him not because he doesn’t trust him but the fact Donghyuck doesn’t know the whole thing and his innate curiosity is something Jaemin not willing to handle now that he knows a lot Jeno’s secrets.

So he thought of the next best person.

Jaemin’s father was away that day. It was three days after Christmas and New Year was still a few days away. His father, Na Yi Je was a vet and a researcher. He usually treated magical creatures after they had been rescued from different tricky situations. He goes around the globe with his team rescuing creatures, studying them, and giving lectures under the Ministry Of Magic. He was here for Christmas only to leave the day after for Germany and would be again back in two days just in time to celebrate New Year with them. His mother Ileana has usually had Christmas promotional photoshoots but since Jaemin’s grandmother came over she took a holiday, hence was at home during the whole vacation.

And for this Jaemin was grateful. Because if there is somebody whom he needs now the most, that person would be his mother.

So he finds himself sitting with his mother on the same terrace overlooking their little garden after dinner. She had made two steaming cups of coffee as they sipped on their drinks enjoying the falling feathery snowflakes from the cloudy sky.

It was a relaxing moment. And Jaemin thought he would say it. Now or never.

His mother had already sensed his discomfort as she looked at him curiously.

“What is it? What is bothering you?”

Jaemin flinches a bit.

“How do you know that something is bothering me?”

“Because I am a mind reader. This little fool, I am your mother, obviously, I would know. So what is it?”

Jaemin sighs and takes a deep breath.

“I think you were right.”

“I am always right. There are so many things I am right about that you have to point which one you are talking about.”

“The o-one about me l-liking….”

“Ah! Finally, you know that you like that boy!”

“N-No-”

“It is a boy, right? Did I mess up the gender? You said his name was Jeno. That sounds like a boy’s name.”

Jaemin can’t hide anything from his mother anyway. It is a futile attempt.

“Yeah.” He sighs resigned. “It is a boy.”

“So what is the problem? He also likes you back doesn’t he?”

“No. He doesn’t. Rather I don’t know. He….well…he has a complicated family situation and he is really closed off and we never talked about anything like this.”

“But he gave you flowers, didn’t he? That also night blooms on your birthday.”

She gazes at the flowers that are still kept over the dining table in a crystal vase glowing beautifully.

“That he did…….I-I don’t know, mom. He even refused to be friends with me the first time but yet he was so kind to me and even helped me out a lot. He….h-he just confuses me a lot. I mean he has his reasons, I know that but Merlin...it’s just messy and he is like the definition of contradictions. I have n-no idea what to do…”

His mother just listens to him, taking in what Jaemin has been rambling about.

So Jaemin tells her.

He tells her about the Dementors incident at the train, how he saw Jeno in the kitchen with the elves, their Halloween dance, their astrology classes and potions lessons, how he topped the scoreboard for two consecutive years, his birthday presents. Jaemin purposely left out the werewolf and animagus part, some other day. It was not his secret to tell in the first place. He told her that he is sick, probably. He also told her how Jeno pushed him away whenever he feels like Jaemin is getting close to him.

“There is something about his smile, mom. When he smiles it like everything just lit up, his eyes make this adorable crescents and he looks so cute, like a puppy.”

His mother looks at her son and sighs.

“It is not just a ‘like’. Is it?”

Jaemin stills. And it is like being punched in the gut. He splutters and sighs because even if he has said it in his mind so many times he is not sure whether it will be okay to say it or not. There is this choking sensation again. Like the words are stuck in there in his throat threatening to spill while Jaemin tries to violently swallow them. It is because he is afraid. He is afraid of tipping off this edge of the cliff he is standing on and saying it would be free-falling down into unchartered territory.  

His chest has squeezed itself in pain. The word comes out with great difficulty.

“N-no…-no.”

His mother sees through his lies. She looks at him sympathetically, wrapping her thin arms around Jaemin’s frame in a warm hug.

“Oh Honey….”

Jaemin doesn’t what is the event that triggers it but the dam breaks open.

Jaemin cries like a baby in his mother’s embrace.

Because he is afraid. He is confused. He's scared out of his wits because he has never felt like this before. This feeling he has no control over is scary and all-encompassing and earth-shattering for him. He is so….so confused yet finally comfortable with it. A very paradoxical feeling that leaves him breathless and frustrated yet at the same time excited. A contradiction.

Oh! The irony…..

The next day Donghyuck comes over in the afternoon and surprisingly they both sport the matching swollen red and sleep-deprived eyes and they don’t ask each other about it as they wait for the other to tell when the time is ripe. Jaemin’s grandma just secretly smiles as she feeds them the tarts she baked. Desserts are after all perfect for these kinds of things.

New Year is a happy occasion for them. The families gathered down to celebrate and in midst of the bursting fireworks in the sky Donghyuck holds Jaemin’s hands tightly, fingers interlaced. He looks at his best friend waiting for him to say it and Donghyuck relents.

 “I think I am in love with Mark.”

This confession is much more serious than the previous one he has said. Because Donghyuck has grown to understand the complications of feelings that come with love. He has grown a bit older in the last three days on the sunsets he has watched with Jaemin and the sleepless nights he has spent on this matter. 

There are a few stray tears hanging of his curved eyelashes and Jaemin wants to confess his part too.

I am in love with Jeno.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he hugs Donghyuck warmly just like how his mom hugged him back. Warmly and assuring because even if Donghyuck’s mother is upset it is okay. It is okay to fall in love with somebody a boy or girl. As long as you are sincere to yourself.

And Donghyuck hugs him back tightly.

Vacation passes by in a blink of an eye.

And he is back in platform 9 ¾ waiting for the train to arrive. His mom is, as usual, holding on to his hands and normally Jaemin would think he is not a kid so it is unnecessary but this time he just clings on to it. Because the person who has been on his mind for the past few weeks is just in front of them and Jaemin equal parts want to run away and smother him with hugs and kisses.

None of which is desirable so he just stands there stiffly holding onto his mother.

Somehow after his revelation, his eyes are constantly on the boy. If he was feeling like he was stalking the boy before now it is worse. All he can see is him.

Jeno’s platinum blonde hair is a bit longer styled to the side like usual, perfectly ironed school uniform and robe, stifling tie, and gold-rimmed glasses tucked in front of his grey sweater.

He must’ve been staring hard because Jeno senses it and looks back at him. Those pretty stormy gray eyes which were staring at the floor now bore into Jaemin’s aqua ones. He gives him a gentle smile and Jaemin does something he regrets.

He blushes.

The type in which you can feel your ears getting hot just from the sheer amount of blood being pumped in your face.

Jeno irks an eyebrow at him and Jaemin thought he couldn’t blush any more but apparently he can and he does. So much that his mother and Jeno, both end up looking concerned.

“He is handsome. I’ll give you that.”

“MOm!”

“What? He is cute.”

Jeno notices his mother standing beside him and bows in greeting.

Though his mother is not Asian but she has been in the household for enough years to know it to be a respectful greeting to an elder.

“……and polite. He’ll be a great addition to the family.”

“Mom!!! That’s it! I am going.”

His mother laughs at his embarrassment. Her pretty sound of laughter makes head turn at the station as they gape at her stumbling over their own foot and luggage.

She ruffles his hair and kisses the top of his head.

Soon Donghyuck comes trudging in ‘fashionably late’ as he calls it and they find Renjun in the crowd and settles down at one of the cabins. Jaemin crosses his fingers praying to whatever superpowers up there to spare him today.  Thankfully Yoojung is late and doesn’t search for him in the first half of the day when she gets on the train.

That leaves only him, Donghyuck, Renjun, and Jisung. Mark is with Johnny in another cabin with other Gryffindor players strategizing for the upcoming Quidditch game.

“Where is Chenle?”

“With the Lees’” Jisung replied sulking.

Jaemin felt his heart skip a beat on the mentioning of the boy.

Gosh! He is royally ed. Now he is even reacting to his name.

Jaemin ponders on whether to tell his friends as he observes them talking about miscellaneous things. Mainly Donghyuck and Jisung chattering and Renjun just comment occasionally. He snaps out of his daze when Donghyuck pinches his side.

“Ow….What?”

“Spill.”

“Spill what?”                  

Jaemin rubs his side. Donghyuck has pincers instead of fingers.

“Whatever you have been meaning to tell us. Say it.”

Jaemin sighs.

“I am gonna break up with Yoojung.”

He breaks it to his friends cautiously gauging their reactions. He told the truth just not the whole of it.

“Freaking finally!”

Renjun just fist bumps into the air.

“I never thought this day would come. I almost imagined sitting down in your pink and gold themed wedding delivering a speech of fakeness as your best man while stuffing my face with fancy vanilla cake and strawberry champagne.”

“Wow! That’s way too detailed.”

Renjun just rolled his eyes at them.

“Anyway, what we meant is that we are glad you finally got your head out of your arse.”

“Exactly. In simple words.” Donghyuck agrees with Renjun.

“Yah!”

Jisung looked at him sympathetically.

“Look Hyung, we can see clearly that you were not very happy with her. I mean she is a great girl but just not the one for you.”

Jisung patted his back like a brother and Jaemin felt like he raised him right.

 “True. I would say the same. But…..”

Renjun looked at Jaemin suspiciously.

“There is one thing I am curious about. What changed your mind? You were almost ready to try and fall in love with her.”

Jaemin gulps nervously thinking of an answer.

“It’s not that. I thought it was not good that I was stringing a girl along with me while I am confused with her. It felt wrong.”

It’s because she is not the one I love.

They didn’t get to ask any more questions, because Yoojung burst in through the sliding doors followed by her sister.

“Oh god! Not again.”

Donghyuck half whispered half screamed while Renjun just rolled his eyes in frustration both of them earning a glare from Soojung as Yoojung stuck herself beside Jaemin chattering about her holiday spent at home.

Jaemin sighed mentally while maintaining a diplomatic smile as he listened to her chatter about her 4 pigmy puffs; she keeps at home as pet and their cute antics. Jaemin found it to be a hard feat but his smile remained unwavering throughout the journey.

When they got down at the station it had started to snow. Wisps of white floating down from the indigo sky illuminated into a golden color in the light of the lantern as they gently piled up soundlessly over the surfaces.

 Jaemin’s eyes automatically searched for the blonde head and he found him looking back right at him. In the orange glow of the lantern he can barely make out his expression, but the piercing gray eyes looked directly at him as if staring at his soul. And Jaemin felt like Jeno was staring into his heart as if he knows his feelings for the boy. Nervously he breaks the eye contact looking somewhere else mind surging with guilt. A flash of hurt passes through those eyes but Jaemin doesn’t see it as he is dragged away by Yoojung and his friends towards the Thestral carriages.

While they were parting for their dorms at the entrance hall Jaemin stopped her for a chat.

“Yoojung I needed to talk to you for a bit.”

“Oh Great! I also needed to talk to you for a bit.”

Jaemin was a bit confused. Talk to him about what?

“Okay, so wanna talk now?”

“I would’ve loved to but not today, bub. I am a bit tired. How about this Saturday? We were supposed to go to the café. Let’s talk there.”

Dumping somebody in a public place didn’t seem like a good idea.

“Uh…how about tomorrow? This is something important.”

Yoojung looked shy. She blushed like a tomato. She bit her lip looking at Jaemin expectantly.

“O-okay.”

Jaemin is sure he is not going to say or do anything of what Yoojung is expecting him to do. He just prays she won’t be too hurt and he can escape this unscathed.

Donghyuck flopped on his bed smelling his freshly washed bed sheets at their dorm room.

“So did you tell her?”

“No.”

Jaemin rotated his head to ease out the cricks of his neck.

“I’ll tell her tomorrow. I asked her to meet me tomorrow, after classes probably.”

Jaemin buried his face in his hands.

“What are you so concerned about? Hurting her? Breaking her heart?”

Jaemin just nodded.

He is indeed afraid of hurting Yoojung. Even if they were not meant to be he can’t hurt her without feeling guilty, after all the girl really liked her with the totality of her heart, sincerely and honestly. While here he is stuck with feelings for someone who doesn’t even spend more than a few hours with him in a month. His possibility of having a fulfilling happy love life with Jeno is close to nonexistent.

Jaemin sighs for the umpteenth time.

Donghyuck just stares at his friend worried.

“Don’t worry too much. You are sparing her from future hurt or even worse things by breaking it off early. It is beneficial for both you and her. So even if she cries or throws a tantrum be patient and stick with your decision. Don’t waver; it is best for both of you to break it off before it develops into something serious and toxic.”

Jaemin nods again. He should’ve rejected her that day after Halloween. But he was angry with Jeno and she looked pitiful so he thought he would try it out. It was a foolish decision, he totally regrets it. But then again if he hadn’t dated her he wouldn’t have realized his feeling for Jeno and would remain ignorant and dense for Merlin knows how long.

Jaemin lies down in his bed trying to sleep but he doesn’t think it will come.

Sleep does come.

But it brings along a nightmare with it.

He is back in the forest and this time he is not in himself but in the body of someone else. He is running through the forest, the branches scratch against his cheek and exposed skin of his arms. The forest floor which is usually green is painted with colors of fall as the leaves littered on the ground crunches under his bare injured feet. It usually looks quite lovely: a forest in fall but now it carries an ominous feeling. The glaring red of the leaves and trees look like a scene bathed in spots of blood under the faint purple-blue glow of the twilight.

Faster. Need to run faster. Faster. Faster.

Jaemin speeds up even more. His lungs are burning with the lack of air and body aching from exertion but he keeps running. The cuts on his face and body are painful and stinging from where the sweat beads rolled over them.

Just a bit more.

As if like magic the thick foliage opened up into a clearing with a wide view of a large water body.

A lake. Or is it a river?

The original host turns his body around eyes searching for somebody. But there is no one. Not a single living soul and the surrounding are eerily quiet except for the harsh breathing of the boy and he bends over his knees in exhaustion.

Jaemin feels weird. It is like it is his body but it is not under his control. There is someone else. It is like two souls in a body. It is him but not him at the same time. Jaemin is like a spectator who is seeing it unfold from this boy’s perspective.

The boy whistles. The sharp sound cuts into the heavy silence like a knife. No one answers back so he whistles the tune again. There is a distant rumble of the dark thunderclouds that has started gathering up at the horizon giving the premonition of an autumn thundershower.

The boy is desperate as he runs to the water body like a mad man until the water reaches up to his chest. He whistles the tune again and again ending in a dry cough.

 There is finally some movement.

The water bubbles a few feet away from him and a pair of reptilian eyes emerge followed by a pair of stag like silver horns from the calm gray water surface. A large snout with another pair of curved horns in the back of its head and a hissing b