CW: internalized homophobia

A month had passed since their hang out at the fair and not much had occured since then. Choosing to spend most of the time practicing or focusing on school work. Something that had also stayed the same were the strange feelings Yoohyeon got around Siyeon, it never left, it actually felt more intense.

She knew what the possibility was on what she was feeling, but repressed the thought each time. She kept this up until she was walked home by Siyeon, she couldn’t ignore it anymore. Since she woke up, to her entering her room, her only thought had been of Siyeon. It was bothering her; she never felt this way before but she knew that people would often feel this way. Almost everyone around her had felt what she was feeling before, how could she not know, it’s all they talked about growing up. All about their crushes on boys.

But this time it was different. She wasn’t like the other girls. Those girls talked about the way they felt around boys, but she never felt that with a boy. Instead, she felt it with Siyeon. Her senior. A girl.

Yoohyeon laid in her bed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to do her homework with these thoughts. Instead, her mind kept thinking on her current predicament, choosing to ignore all else.

How was it possible that she developed these feelings for her bandmate? It wasn’t normal, well at least her mother had told her that before. It was only brought up once when there were two women on tv that shared a kiss. Her mother said that women liking each other was not normal, that there was something wrong with those who did, that relationships should only occur between a man and a woman to have a family.

Was there something wrong with her? Yoohyeon didn’t feel like there was something wrong with her other than her attraction to her friend. But thinking about it, she never saw two women in a relationship and it felt like she was the only one to feel like this with a girl instead of a boy. Maybe there was something wrong with her.

Maybe ignoring this will make it go away. Maybe one day she will forget she ever felt like this.

Yoohyeon groaned, punching the pillow beside her once from her frustrations. Why did she keep thinking about the older girl? Why was it so hard to not think about her?

Yoohyeon tried to think about other things but her brain still found a way to bring her back to the 3rd year. The way she scrunched her nose when she smiled after telling a corny joke, or the way her brows would furrow when writing lyrics to one of their songs. How cute she looked when she would pout at the members teasing her.

Or maybe it was just how alluring Siyeon was when she was performing or even practicing their songs. Going from a cute person to a charismatic performer always amazed Yoohyeon. Even her voice was one of the best she had ever heard in her life. Soothing and powerful. No doubt about it, Siyeon was born to perform and she hoped that Siyeon would make it big some day to show the world.

Yoohyeon shook her head furiously. She shouldn’t be thinking like this, it wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to think that Siyeon looked attractive all the time. It wasn’t normal to think about how perfect Siyeon’s eyes looked and how perfect her lips were.

Yoohyeon couldn’t keep thinking like this. She also can’t tell anyone these feelings; they would think there was something wrong with her, and the 1st year couldn’t bear that. She couldn’t bear the thought of Yubin and Handong leaving her behind, and she defiantly didn’t want to see Siyeon look at her in disgust for having a crush on her, or even insult her in front of the whole school.

Maybe there was a way to fix this. Maybe getting a boyfriend would help her forget about her feelings for Siyeon. She felt wrong about doing this, but she didn’t want to lose her friends if they ever found out about her feelings.

Why was life so difficult?

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Hello, once again it's me. Sorry about the short chapter, didn't really want to combine it with the next chapters and I'm still figuring out some things. Anyways, hope you guys are still enjoying.

Also, thank you for your comments, you guys really do make my day!!