Jungkook feels totally relieved when he wakes up in so much better condition than last night means he didn't lie to Yeri about being fine.

Even though his head is still heavy but he no longer has a fever. He is able to get up by himself .

Yeri is still very much asleep next to him, her alarm is totally ignored for more than half an hour right now. She seems very tired that she is not moving too much from her position last night.

He chose to let her have some sleep more and out of the room.
 

He is trying to not worry about work too much but still contacting people there and asking about what is going on sounds like a necessity so he did it.

Jieun told him everything is fine that he could rest and also how everyone is sorry about what happened. He only talks with her for a short time because Yeri is suddenly out of the room holding her head and sitting at the kitchen table while grabbing her hair and putting her head flat on the counter.

"Are you ok?"

He gave a bottle of water to her and she finally lifted her face slowly. 

"My morning sickness is very bad."

Yeri can not believe what was going on. Since the first time she found out that she is pregnant, she always feels like her condition is a thousand times better than her first time. Even though she had problems with Jungkook, not even one day that she felt sick or tired because of it. She feels fine and strong, she even has courage to postpone her first doctor visit because she has no complaints.

But now that she's back here with Jungkook, it likes everything going back to a circle. Just like her first pregnancy before, she gets sick, tired and feeling so weak. She can barely do anything.

"Is it like this usually?"

And good for her that Jungkook seems better so she doesn't need to get concerned about him like last night. He looked panicked though when she told him about what was going on. This is his first time dealing with her who is pregnant, and even though he helped Chaerin a long time ago, the whole thing must be different.

"I'm not sure."

She shakes her head lightly when he comes to her and patting her head which is totally helping to make her feel better.

"I think we should just go for a check up, it doesn't need to be your usual doctor, just anyone, for now."

She nods her head and Jungkoook is giving her a hug while telling her sorry that this is his first time he doesn't know what to do.

****

They ended up taking a taxi for the hospital visit because none of them feels good enough to do a safe driving. Jungkook told her that he is fine to drive but Yeri said no because she remembers what his doctor said last night.
 

So, here she is now, waiting in a taxi while Jungkook is helping her open the door. It is still early so the hospital is not crowded.

"I went here two years ago, i don't know if that doctor is still working here or not."

Yeri already decided on another doctor and hospital for her visit regarding her pregnancy because she knows she can not change it in a midway since they need her history and stuff. She doesn't want her old doctor because no matter how hard she ignore it, she still have this small amount of trauma which is so hard to forget

But now that she feels sick, going back to her doctor from before will probably be better, since she knows what has happened to her .

"And now we wait."

She's been here before so she is already familiar with the procedure, the registration stuff. Jungkook in other words seems very awkward with this. Well, surrounded by pregnant women when he also has one to take care of must be overwhelmed.

"You've done this before.."

She whispered to him while cackling because he looked so funny.

"What do you mean?"

"We always went with Chaerin for her visit."

Jungkook blinking his eyes, and a little bit confused, even if it is true he never felt like this before.

"I just went there to help, it is different."

"And why do you think you are here?"

"I am here to live my life,not helping but owning it. That's a huge difference."

Yeri is not responding to what he said immediately but staring at him for a long minutes before she smiles and holds his hands slowly.

"I have no complaints before today, you will only hear a good thing. Don't worry."

To think that Yeri went through this alone for the first time is doing nothing but worsening the guilty feelings Jungkook has for her. No matter how they try so hard to move on, he won't probably be able to let go of this one. No matter how many times she said it's not his fault, he will always think that it is.

"Let's go, that's my number."

She suddenly gets up while dragging his hands and to sees that she looked fine and comfortable with this making him feel a thousand times better.

***

"Good morning."

The first thing the doctor said when both of them entered the room. Yeri is a little bit anxious, she already lost her smile and her eyes wandered.

"Please take a seat."

Jungkook is slowly sitting in a chair that the doctor offered him while Yeri is following him slowly.

"You were my patient before."

"Right. Two years ago."

Yeri is not sure if this doctor will remember her, given how rare she came for a visit and suddenly asked to find a doctor in Japan two years ago. But she has her record, so it must be easy to trace her condition from back then.

"This is your second child?"

"No, I lost the first one."

Things are becoming awkward because it seems like her doctor wasn't expecting that answer. She puts all the paper she's been reading and tells her sorry for asking. 

"Let's start the examination then."

The last time Yeri was doing this, she was alone  stressed, scared, she prayed from the bottom of her heart that the news of her being pregnant was fake. She remembers everything and now that she is here again making her think that she lost her first probably because she didn't even want it in the first place.

"Your husband can come."

And when the doctor talked to her after she entered the examination room, she realized that right now is different.

"Right, my husband."

She walks fast to take Jungkook who seems very nervous and uncomfortable still sitting on his chair, petrified and confused. If she still has this guilty feeling about the baby she lost from before, Jungkook probably feels worse.

"Let's go."

So she takes his hands to make him feel at ease while caressing it as they walk together.

****

The doctor is doing some check up and she looks unsure about something.

"We will use the ultrasound to make sure."

She used the equipment and Jungkook knows Yeri who was trying to be calm from the beginning looked a little bit nervous now.

"Is there something wrong?"

She talked in a very tiny voice that he is sure, he is the only one who can hear it and not the doctor.

"No, she will tell us if there is."

So he answers her while whispering close to her ear.

"Mrs. Kim, can you take a look at this?"

Their eyes are now glued to the screen when the doctor points out something.

"You are in your 8 weeks of pregnancy, and you have two growing lives inside you, this one and this one."

"What do you mean?"

Well, it is kinda different from what Yeri saw two years ago. She has these two different little blinking beans which the doctor showed her earlier.

"It's a twin, congratulations."

The doctor's face is so bright, she gives her a wide smile while giggling. And Yeri is definitely not expecting this. 

"It is healthy and growing without any problems.. from what i see ,i think your pregnancy this time is so much stronger and better than your first one."

Yeri is no longer responding to anything the doctor told her because she is basically shocked knowing that she is pregnant with a twin, that means two human beings she needs to grow and protect inside her. 

"Your next visit is in ten days from now."

She just gives her doctor a light bow when everything is done and she is trying to leave the room when a pair of hands are stopping her. She looks up and Jungkook is there holding her hands. She had forgotten that he is here with her all this time. 

"Are you alright?"

He asked her that question in a thin and low voice, his expression is not different from her who was pretty much confused.

"Are you?"

So she asked the same thing to him without so much thought.

"I'm fine."

He gives her a smile and holds her hands as he's helping her walk when they finally leave the examination room.

None of them say anything, Yeri is busy with her own thoughts. She even let Jungkook walk in front of her because she walks very slowly, and she can't catch up with him and his wide step. It seems like he has something to think about too because he doesn't notice her taking a pause within her walk leaving him wondering alone. He just stopped when they almost reached the lobby. He seems surprised when Yeri is no longer next to him and looking around to find her, and when she finally sees him again, he takes a deep breath and looks at her closely.

"Do you want to talk about this?"

Yeri is not even sure what talk he refers to, but she nodded her head very quick. In reflect 

***

"I don't think coffee is good for a pregnant woman"

They sat together in the living room after they finally reached home, they didn’t talk with each other at all before right now. Yeri’s mind is busy trying to find out what their problem is.

"I feel like I need one, coffee."

"I'll search for it on the internet if you are allowed to drink or not."

He is so ready to use her phone but yeri stops him while laughing.

"I'll drink the juice."

She takes a sip of her juice and comes back to stare at him again. She didn't say anything but he knows she has so many words to bring.

"I am scared."

Yeri is talking fast before she focuses her eyes on Jungkook again, judging his expression.

"You will be fine."

That's what he said while using his hands to caress her cheeks. Yeri doesn't even know why she gets so nervous about having a twin, maybe because she always prepared for one and when the universe gave her more she feels a little bit overwhelmed and insecure about not being good enough at taking care of it.

"I lost it when i only have one to take care of, why are you thinking that i will be fine when i have two?"

She sounds very scared indeed. But the thing she worries about is totally different from what Jungkook has on his mind. He’s not afraid of taking care of kids, he got worried over something else. Even though to call it scary is probably not what Jungkook is feeling right now. He just feels something is not easy but he can not exactly point out what that is.

“Don’t you think, I'm not suitable for this?”

"What do you mean?"

Yeri is a little bit nervous and lowkey bothered with the way Jungkook talks to her. There is something huge that is bothering him.

She was surprised, and a little bit unprepared for this news, so does he, but Jungkook seems more troubled about this than her. She is disappointed but also trying so hard to understand him. It feels like yesterday when they decided to get married again while trying to fix things slowly, even last week they still got into a fight and suddenly they're in this huge responsibility together, it must be hard to deal with the situation.

"I mean..they won't be happy knowing what happened to my life before them, do you think they will find out that I treated you so bad.."

Jungkook stopped his words and what he said definitely makes her think. She's still not thinking about that at all but now she does. Totally.

What if their kids know how bad she and Jungkook treated each other before? They will probably find out about their divorced and get curious about what happened, what if they know she tried to kill Jungkook before?

"I doubt anyone would want people like me as their parent.."

Yeri is not responding to what he said when he's done talking and let out an empty laugh in front of her. 

Why does he get scared and confused about having a kid?

He never thought about this before, he always thought that his life was normal, that him having a family is makes sense. But when he finally experienced the whole thing, talking to a doctor who told him congratulations, everything is suddenly becoming too big and heavy to handle. He remembers resenting his parents since he was a kid because of what they did, the greedy, money hungry person who cares about nothing but being acknowledged by others, basically him for his whole life.

"I don't think they will be thrilled either when they know what i did in my life."

But when Yeri suddenly talks and she sounds even more troubled than him, he knows that right now he's not the only one who feels unworthy of living a happy life.

"I chased you for your money."

She looked up to him with her doe eyes, and it's really surprising to him that Yeri, after what happened in her life, she who is in front of him right now always reminds him to the first Yeri he saw a long time ago, back when she's still very young, asking for a random picture with him.

"That’s normal, everyone did that.”

She only responded to what he said with one little smile and ended up covering her face while sighing.

"When I first got married to you, did you know that your mother was always pestering me about having a kid?"

He shakes his head when Yeri talks to him while slowly getting up from her seat, she walks toward the huge window in front of her and stares at it.

"I never told you because I was afraid you would be delighted by the idea, and I didn't want to have a kid in circumstances when it will be used as a tool to make your family richer, a kid for publications, a kid who will end up as a fighter like you."

She pauses for a while and starts to talk again when he's walking toward her direction.

"I learned everything from your mother back then, and i can see myself getting annoyed when my kid failed to do something just like her, i knew i'm going to be a very bad parent, that's why i never want to have a kid, i was afraid of behaving like a monster."

And when she suddenly stops talking while looking down, he can see her teary eye as she's trying to not cry, he can feel totally related to her. He never planned his life to be so perfect like this, with someone he loved, a wife who knows everything about him and willing to stay with him after so many things went wrong in their life, expecting a kid, no longer feeling greedy over something cliche like money and power. He never feels like he deserved it, that's why he never tries to own a life that is so perfect like this one.

"I never wanted it either."

Jungkook's hands are so cold when he touches her cheeks to make her look at him. What he said also sounds very cold, just like the way he said it without any emotion.

"I always thought a kid is just another weapon my family uses to fight me."

That makes sense. Even when their marriage was still going on without too much problems and hatred, they never talked about it, at all. They were never ready from the beginning.

Yeri doesn’t know what to say because she is aware their life before this was a complete mess to the point a young couple like them had this kind of corrupt mindset about their own family, their own wife, their own husband. Even though they trust themselves and each other more than before, the fear won’t disappear easily. That’s why even though they talked about having a kid, they never really had a plan for it, until it happened, unexpectedly.

****

Yeri asked him to leave her alone for some time after their talk earlier. She told him that the fact she’s having uncertainty about her own kids makes her feel horrible and guilty. She said it will be different from him because he doesn’t have babies growing inside him, and what she’s feeling right now is too complicated. Even though she was right, Jungkook is definitely not feeling any better than her, he’s been scribbling random things on a paper, writing all the things he found normal from him and his life to make him feel better.

“I wrote a lot.”

This is a good way to make him feel more sane and stop draining his brain with pessimistic thoughts about having a new family. He should show this to Yeri and tell her to do this. He takes the paper and holds it while entering the room where she is sleeping. She turned off the light, so he turned it on.

“What are you doing?”

She’s whining immediately while opening her eyes.

“Read this.”

Yeri is definitely annoyed by this, her head is dizzy and she can barely move when Jungkook shoving a piece of paper to her face, she’s glaring at him but he doesn’t looked offended at all, he looked happy and a little chuckling was heard from him, so she takes the paper and read it slowly, still with her eyes half open.

“Are you showing off your lifetime achievements?”

The paper basically tells her about what kind of Jungkook is as a person. In everyone’s eyes, he wrote lots of awards he received, starting when he won a gold medal in archery competition when he was young and winning an oversea trip because of it. There are so many little things, things she knows and she doesn’t know, but it’s basically all the good things about him.

“No, i mean...i think it will be good if i can tell our kids about this too..”

He paused talking and started taking back the paper while slowly losing his smile.

“About what is good from us instead of what is bad.”

Yeri is not responding to what he said and it makes him feel intimidated, thinking that she actually disagrees with him having a good side is comparable to his awful mistakes. She stares at him with her big eyes, which means that she is completely awake by now. She bite her lips and takes back the paper from his hands, she reads it once again, and back staring at him with a smile when she’s done. So pretty.

“Do you want me to write one too? I won’t have a long list like yours though.”

She reaches out her hand to his shoulder and rubs it slowly while getting up from laying down. 

“I’m sorry.”

She blinked her eyes when Jungkook’s apology came out from nowhere. She stares at him and giving him a sign that she get confused about what he said.

“I shouldn’t have reacted so negatively over this.”

Jungkook feels nothing but ashamed for what happened, he shouldn’t have said anything and even dragged Yeri into his own corrupted mind set about a family. She deserved to be happy and even though he feels indifferent about this, he shouldn’t have shown it to her and burdened her with such useless fears.

He can finally lift his face to Yeri again when she holds it and brings it closer to hers. Her eyes still looked very tired but she has a wide smile on her face now. That is enough to make him feel better.

“Our relationship is not something pretty or beautiful..the way we think, the way we feel… it is different from most people.. When i was with Heejun..”

Yeri is talking very slowly as she touches his face and caresses it.

“I tried so hard to act and pretend that I am capable of thinking and to feel something in a normal way, when the reality isn’t like that. I was anxious everyday, I was being careful all the time, I can't be honest..because i was thinking that my life with you from before was a complete flaw in front of others, they won’t probably like me if they knew what i did to you, how i treated you..”

She speaks slowly and sometimes pauses in between her words as she moves her hands from his face to his shoulder and pushes it lightly.

“Just like right now, how we think that our life will be seen as a flaw by our kids when they grow up later. I’m not saying that I was fine with the way you reacted, but it is justified. Like.. I can totally understand? “

“Really?”

“I ended up with similar thoughts too, so I took a nap to take myself out of those thoughts. It is unfair for them, they don’t know anything..i mean..these babies...”

She brings his hands to her belly and what she says and what she does totally makes him feel better. 

“It will be four of us in no time.”

Jungkook said it while mumbling but Yeri still can hear it clearly, the disbelief in his tone, but also the excitement.

“We need to build in an extra room for them.”

He’s continuing his words and he seems thrilled with the thoughts of making renovation of this place. So many things happened here, a makeover is probably needed.

“You take care of it, I don't want to deal with it at all.”

She is trying to walk away from him while pushing his shoulder lightly but he stopped her and now they’re standing facing each other.

“It is a fact that i can’t erase what happened to you because of me.”

Jungkook suddenly talks with a serious expression while holding her hands and pulls her closer. 

“I’ll do better.”

The way he said it was firm, and even though Yeri is usually not buying this kind of words from anyone, she finds it easy to believe him, or just simply accepting it.

“Let me do the same thing too. I’ll do better for you too.”

She talks while watching him with a smile and she knows that nothing will be easy in the future too. She just needs to deal with it, just like how she does it right now.

Wish the pandemic is over very soon.

Thank you for reading