“Hi, this is Eric. I can’t come to the phone right now but if you leave a message, I’ll get right back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!”

 

Click. Redial. One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Then again:

 

“Hi, this is Eric. I can’t come to the phone right now but if you leave a message—"

 

Click. Redial. Again. Again. Again.

 

--

 

(1) New Message

From: Umma

Son. Junjin’s birthday is this Saturday. Do you have any plans? Is it possible we drop by?

 

--

 

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / Recurrent Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2) – Only Fr2 present

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 10:00AM – 10^th Appointment

 

Personal Notes:

Kids with cancer often have good days and bad days. Today was a good day with pt. Pt was sleeping when I came in but was generally alert, and in less pain (Red Five), so was slightly more engaged than usual. Pt said he wishes he could be outside and play baseball and he’s sad he’ll miss the season’s Little League Championship. Did roleplay therapy with action figures so pt could still ‘play baseball’. 😊😊 Pt liked it a lot but didn’t let me win. No matter. I don’t play baseball even in real life anyway and so will clearly . Hehe.

Fr1 absent again for second consecutive day. Fr2 visibly distressed (related?) but is careful not to show pt. Keeps checking phone even though no messages or calls are coming in. Pt asked 2x where Fr1 was and Fr2 answered Fr1 at work. Pt understood but also wanted to know when he’ll be back. Fr2 had no answer. (Parents may also need counseling but Fr2 quickly rejected the offer when I asked).

Session lasted 40mins before pt fell asleep again. Fr2 says pt takes a lot of naps during the day, prob good since he’s on complete bedrest. I reminded him to watch out for chemo side effects and alert Dongwan asap if they show again.

P.S. Apparently pt’s birthday is tomorrow?? Offered to buy cake and balloons for pt and Fr2 agreed. Was apologetic that he himself couldn’t make arrangements since he’s here (and has obviously been distracted) so offered to pay. Told him it’s no big deal. No food allergies noted. ♥

 

--

 

“Dad?”

 

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

 

“Papa’s very busy, right?”

 

Hyesung pauses, unsure of how to answer his son, because Eric has been gone and uncontactable for two days and he’s just about ready to throw his own phone against the wall. He brushes Junjin’s hair away from his forehead as he mulls over his answer.

 

“Yes,” he decides to finally say. Technically, it isn’t a lie. “There was a big accident up in Queens and Papa is helping fix the people who were hurt.”

 

“Papa will help fix them. He always does. But…he’ll be here tomorrow, right?” Junjin glances up furtively towards the window. Outside, the city is embracing dusk, and the sky is both plum and peach. “Tomorrow’s my birthday.”

 

Hyesung tries to maintain his poker face. The effort it takes to restrain himself from lying is monumental, but he would rather not have Junjin expect something he can’t assure will happen. Although Eric has never missed a single birthday for their son no matter how busy he got, setting Junjin up for possible disappointment, especially given his and Eric’s last confrontation, is just too cruel at this point.

 

“I can’t promise that, Jin.” Hyesung sighs. “Halme and Harabeogi will come and visit though. And…” He’s apologetic that they’ll have to spend it in the hospital, but what choice do they have? “Since it’s your birthday and we’ll be stuck here, do you want any specific gift? We can order it and have it sent to us.”

 

Junjin shakes his head. “You already bought me Lego, Dad.” He points to the nearly-finished pirate ship that they’ve placed on a spare table and out of harm’s way. “We have to finish that first. And the other one at the house.”

 

“You sure?” Hyesung is in a rare spoiling mood; he isn’t going to say no to any of Junjin’s requests now. “You won’t get a chance like this again,” he warns. “Dad can get you anything.”

 

His son looks thoughtful, then gazes up at him with a hopeful expression: “A puppy then?”

 

Okay, maybe not that. Clever, sneaky boy…that is definitely Eric’s child.

 

“Disney World?” he offers instead. The big guns. “When you’re all better.”

 

Junjin smiles this time, delight clearly reflected in his eyes. “Deal. You, me, and Papa, okay?”

 

Hyesung nods. He’ll figure out how to cross that specific bridge when they get there.

 

(If they get there, but he isn’t thinking about that…not yet.)

 

“Deal.”

 

--

 

“Hi, this is Eric. I can’t come to the phone right now but if you leave a message, I’ll get right back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!”

 

Beep.

 

A sigh.

 

“Eric. It’s Junjin’s birthday tomorrow…I hope you haven’t forgotten. Anyway. He’s looking for you and is expecting for you to be there. It’s been two, nearly three, days now and if you could get off your high horse for just a single goddamn—”

 

Another sigh.

 

“Look, just come, all right? It’s our kid’s birthday. I’m sure that’s enough reason. You can avoid me all you want but do this one thing for him.”

 

Pause.

 

“Please.”

 

Click.

 

--

 

(3) New Message(s)

From: Umma

Happy birthday to our beloved grandson!!!!!

Oh, he’s sick now? I’m so sorry to hear that. Hyesung, if he can handle it, give him some frozen fruit popsicles…you know what, Appa and I will just drive down anyway and leave him a care package alongside his gifts.

All right, all right, no visits for now. ☹ My poor Jinjin. What did Eric say? I hope he knows of some medicine to help the baby feel better. Tell him we love him and we hope he gets well soon. We’ll visit as soon as he feels ok.

 

--

 

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / Recurrent Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2) – Only Fr2 present

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 10:00AM – 11^th Appointment

 

Personal Notes:

Bad day today. ☹ Persistent nausea and vomiting, fatigue, and pain (Red Seven). Pt has been crying on and off. ☹ No opioids being administered at the moment. Fr2 looked distraught but was advised by Dongwan it’s the side effects of the chemo. Vitals of pt still relatively stable.

Did breathing exercises with pt to help with pain management, and also sang some songs to him to help him calm down. Fr2 participated actively in session, although looked teary at some point. Had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom. Pt asked me if it was him making his dad cry. I couldn’t really answer…I just made up some excuse about his dad’s work. (Not sure if I convinced him. Sometimes I wish kids weren’t as perceptive as they really are).

Couldn’t greet pt happy birthday as he was in too much discomfort. No matter. I just hope he feels better.

Fr2 thanked me for cake and balloons. I brought it in only after pt fell asleep. Apologized again for making me do it and offered to pay but told him it’s the least I can do. Offered individual therapy to Fr2 again to help him cope with the situation, whether it be his son’s or…whatever it is going on between him and Fr1. Fr2 declined once more.

 

--

 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”

 

Hyesung lifts the small baseball-shaped ice cream cake Minwoo had brought and brings it up near Junjin so he can be close enough to blow the single candle he’s put on top. The candle glow flickers against his son’s sweat-damp face, highlighting the dark circles that have begun to shadow the skin underneath his eyes, now already swollen from crying. Beyond the window, the sun has set, and the last wisps of light have begun to give way to the shadows stretching on the walls.

 

“Happy birthday, my sweet Junjin…”

 

He catches as Junjin glances at the door expectantly, but then just as quickly tears himself away to look back at the cake. He gives a small smile as Hyesung sits down on the bed, still holding the cake aloft amidst the beeping machines.

 

“Happy birthday to you.”

 

Junjin pauses to make a secret wish then blows out the candle in a single shuddering puff, before pushing the cake out of the way and pitching forward to dry heave once more into the basin resting on his knees.

 

--

 

“How are you feeling now, sweetheart? Better? Worse?”

 

Junjin has curled up beside Hyesung, having finally figured out a comfortable enough position that would not worsen the pain that’s plagued him the entire day. He’s hugging his stuffed chick tightly to his chest. It’s only 8PM and both of them are already exhausted. Apart from the expected calls from his parents asking to Facetime with Junjin to give him their birthday wishes, Hyesung’s phone has stayed aggravatingly silent.

 

“Red.” Junjin whispers, already half-asleep but still in too much pain to rest. The way he’s slumped against Hyesung’s side with barely any energy left is almost too much for him to bear, but this is his burden as a parent, and he will withstand it no matter the cost.  

 

“Number?”

 

“Mmm…Seven.”

 

Hyesung sighs. They had reached Purple at one point today. He doesn’t know if he should feel fortunate that it’s now back to Red; had this been three months ago, that high of a pain indicator would have been enough to send him into a blind panic.

 

Oh, how the world has changed.

 

“Why is Papa not here, Dad?” Junjin is tracing his finger around the buttons of Hyesung’s shirt. “Didn’t he call?”

 

Hyesung considers his answer. He could tell the truth, of course. The path of least resistance. But what does he say to a child who only wants his father to come and visit him on his birthday? Despite his low-burning anger, he has yet to reach that point of hatred at Eric where he will actively turn their own son against him, even if it would be deserved. He actually doubts he ever will.

 

“He’s busy, sweetheart. Papa’s busy.” Hyesung finally says after a moment’s contemplation. He runs his fingers through his son’s dark hair. “He called me a while ago and said he’s sorry but he has so many surgeries today, he can’t even sit down.”

 

“Oh.” Junjin takes the answer in stride. “But did he eat already? We can send him some of my cake.”

 

Hyesung hasn’t thought that far into his lie, but acquiesces all the same. “Papa already ate, Jin. So we can enjoy your cake here, with Minwoo and Dongwan and Dr. Lee.” He does Eric an unearned favor and adds: “Papa though told me to tell you he loves you. He loves you so much, you know that, right?”

 

Junjin nods. “I know. I love him too. You love Papa too, right, Dad?”

 

The question blindsides Hyesung in that he doesn’t even have time to raise his walls and filters and just automatically blurts out, “yes…very much” before he can even stop himself. He only realizes what he’s said as, beside him, Junjin seems to sigh in relief.

 

“Okay,” the boy says before nuzzling against him, finally giving in to exhaustion and tumbling headlong into sleep.

 

--

 

(He doesn’t know if it’s a dream but Eric does come, at some point in the shadowy hours of the night. Hyesung can feel Junjin stir against him as two hands cover them with the blanket that’s somehow been shrugged off in sleep.

 

I knew you’d come, he hears Junjin say, and he wants to open his eyes but he’s so tired as it is, and so he remains wading in the thin veil of shrouded slumber.

 

I love you so much. Happy birthday. Get some sleep now, sweetheart.

 

Love you.

 

I love you. I love you. I love you.)

 

--

 

"His vitals seem to be stable so there isn’t really a pressing problem. His WBC however, is still too low."

 

Hyesung is once more outside Junjin’s room and in the corridor in discussion with Dr. Lee. He rocks on the balls of his feet, crossing his arms and tucking his hands into his armpits. He’s always cold now. It must be the air-conditioning.

 

Dr Lee continues: “This is a normal scenario after chemotherapy, even if he’s been receiving G-CSF for a few days now, but I’d still like to keep him under close observation. For the time being, I’d advise to keep visitors out until further notice to lower the risk of infections. That would be our main concern.”

 

Hyesung nods. He’s getting used to medical jargon now, or maybe because he knows he no longer has Eric to rely on as a translator or an interpreter. He already spends half of his free time reading medical articles to keep himself updated on any developments on Junjin’s illness and the treatments he’s taking, and so can easily pick up even on the acronyms Dr. Lee uses.

 

“The chemo side effects are really starting to affect him now, I think.” He tells the doctor. They’ve spent the last three days yo-yoing so much between bad and good days that Hyesung can now barely tell the difference between floor and ceiling. “That’s normal, right?”

 

“It differs from patient to patient,” Dr. Lee checks the records. “But so far nothing is alarming with how Junjin has been coping. Is he able to sleep through the night?”

 

“Most times.” Hyesung says, although Junjin has taken to sleeping a lot in the daytime as well. But he doesn’t see the need to raise it.

 

“How about yourself? Have you been getting enough sleep and eating your meals?”

 

Hyesung wants to laugh. At this point he feels he’s being held together only by paper and glue, and only held upright by sheer will and spite and gallons of black coffee. But it isn’t like he has a choice. He also notes Dr. Lee is careful not to mention Eric’s whereabouts, although concern is also reflected in his eyes.

 

“My son is my priority,” he says. “Everything else can take care of itself.”

 

“We’ll watch your son closely, Mr. Shin. We’ll do everything we can.” Dr. Lee says, peering at him surreptitiously. “But it’s important that you also take care of yourself. You can only really effectively take care of Junjin if you’re also in good condition.” He pauses, then: “There is therapy and counseling offered for parents, should you…and Dr. Mun…need it.”

 

Hyesung is quick to cut the doctor off, already feeling familiar heat creeping under his collar.

 

“No, thank you, and can everyone get off my ing case already about this, Eric and I will handle our own in private, please,” he snaps, his voice just loud enough to make some of the nurses at reception turn their heads towards them. He regrets it immediately after, but thankfully Dr. Lee seems unruffled by his reaction. “I apologize…” he says, but Dr. Lee waves him off.

 

“It’s all right. It’s all right. You’ve got a lot on your plate right now.” The doctor gives him a tight smile that could pass as something supportive. “For the meantime, we’ll continue Junjin’s treatments and tests as is. Let’s just take it a day at a time.”

 

--

 

On the fifth day without Eric, Hyesung is watching Junjin sleep after the nth round of blood tests have concluded when he notices his son’s hair coming off in tufts in his fingers as he runs his hand through it.

 

He knows this would have happened eventually, of course; all the articles that he had read had said it, but facing the reality of it is different. There’s a strange, choking numbness that grows from the pits of his stomach as he collects the strands of hair in his palm, and he bites back the waves of nausea as he stares at the pieces of their child who seems to be slipping away faster than they can keep him.

 

85%? The number haunts him now.

 

Hyesung grips the guardrail around his son’s bed as tears suddenly leak out from the corners of his eyes. Just the prospect of losing Junjin is enough to make him feel as though the floor is collapsing from underneath him. He can’t breathe or think, and he covers his mouth to prevent him from sobbing out loud. The strands spill from his shaking palm and fall like feathers around his feet.

 

For a second, he can understand why Eric left.

 

But that bastard…

 

Hyesung stands and grabs his phone, no longer content to sit idly by.

 

--

 

“Hi, this is Eric. I can’t come to the phone right now but if you leave a message, I’ll get right back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!”

 

Beep.

 

“Eric. Are you really not coming? His second chemo session is tomorrow and how can you be this goddamn selfish when your own child—”

 

A breath. He needs to breathe. His voice is shaking so much he can barely understand himself. He composes himself enough so that he can speak without feeling like he’s drowning with every gulp of air.

 

“He’s had a rough week. And you know it’s only going to get rougher. He isn’t well, and God, I don’t even know why this needs to be said but nobody signed up for this…nobody wanted this, but we’re his parents and we have no choice but to see this through. Should anything else actually ing matter right now?”

 

Yes, a small voice inside him says, because a guilty conscience will always resurface no matter how deeply you try to bury it. Hyesung sighs and rubs a hand down his face. Humility has never been his strongest suit but then…he has absolutely nothing left to lose now.

 

“I lied to you that day. I didn’t sign any divorce papers. I left Junjin alone because I broke it off with Kangta and told him to off and I couldn’t tell you when you’d asked because…because I don’t know why and maybe that’s my fault since I can be a chicken but…I didn’t sign anything, Eric. I’m sorry I made you go through what I did and I know my is inexcusable so if you still want a divorce after this, fine, I’ll sign. I’ll do whatever you want. But please…please…don’t leave me to take care of our son alone because I can’t do it. I need you here as much as Junjin does. And if you hate me…”

 

His breath judders at the words, his anger at his husband now spent, revealing the raw fear he’s always had of being left by the ones he loves most.

 

I’m going to lose them both, he realizes with sickening clarity. Either way this ends, he will emerge defeated, but he doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t care.

 

“If you hate me…I’ll accept it. We can part ways cleanly when this is over. I’ll give you anything. But don’t punish Junjin because of me, Eric, please. And stop punishing yourself. Come back while we still have time. Please, Eric. I’m sorry. I really am—”

 

Click.

 

--

 

Hyesung joins Junjin for his second chemo session. The boy is quiet and listless even as the seemingly endless needle is inserted into his arm, even with his skin already littered with bruises like ink stains on paper from previous and existing lines. Hyesung can’t help but wince in his place, but Junjin barely flinches.

 

“You okay, kiddo?” He studies Junjin’s face after the session begins. They’re watching Star Wars again, but this time one of the classic ones, and his son is being unnaturally quiet. “Do you want to keep watching this movie or do you want to change it out?”

 

Junjin slowly blinks at him in reply, and for some reason, alarm bells ring in the murky hidden depths of Hyesung’s brain.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, rising from his seat, where he had planned to read some more articles on new and experimental treatments for neuroblastoma. “Jin?”

 

“I feel bad, Daddy.”

 

“Bad how?” Hyesung approaches the bed. “Do you need to throw up again?”

 

“No but…” Junjin rubs at his face, and Hyesung is shocked to see how much paler he’s already gotten. “My head hurts.”

 

The alarm bells are clanging louder and Hyesung starts rummaging for the nurse call button. On the screen, the Imperial Army has discovered the Rebel Alliance base on the ice planet and has deployed enough artillery to attempt to destroy it. On the bed, Junjin suddenly starts shuddering as though he too was on the ice planet himself.

 

“D-Daddy…?” Junjin’s eyes are wide and blown, his teeth chattering as his small body involuntarily spasms with cold. Instinct makes Hyesung clamber onto the bed and gather his son close to him, despite the discomfort of him doing so in the hospital-required PPE. He can feel the heat from Junjin’s body seep through the material and is terrified at the realization of how hot his son actually is.

 

Where the is the call button? Hyesung flails his hand about the edge of the bed to look for it while still securing his son with the other. When he finds it dangling at the farthest edge, he grabs it and smashes the small red button so much that he hopes somewhere at the nurse’s reception a siren goes off.

 

“D-Daddy, I feel so s-sick.” Junjin whispers against him, and for the first time in his life, primal fear seizes Hyesung’s heart. He closes his eyes as he holds his son against him, relieved at the sound of approaching hurried footsteps from the corridor.

 

“Hang on, sweetheart, okay? It will be okay,” he says, the words more a mantra now than an assurance, but Junjin needs to hear it. He needs to hear it.

 

It will be okay.

 

--

 

“Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately three-thousand-seven-hundred-twenty to one!”
 

“Never tell me the odds!”

 

--

 

“He’s developed an infection.”

 

Hyesung swallows thickly as he takes in Dr. Lee’s words. They’re in his office this time, seated, as the doctor pores through a new set of reports.

 

“An infection,” he repeats. “But you had said that’s what we should avoid, right?”

 

“Junjin really was susceptible to obtaining one given his low WBC. It’s at 600 at the moment, and frankly, it’s a cause of concern now. We’re going to have to stop chemotherapy to get that under control. However…” and this time he looks up at Hyesung with just the slightest amount of regret. He reviews the reports again before setting it down on the desk. He lets out the tiniest of sighs before he speaks.

 

“We’ve done another scan. Mr. Shin…Junjin’s liver is failing. I’m so sorry.”

 

At first, the words completely fly by Hyesung’s radar. “I’m sorry, what? His what is…is what?” he asks, his mouth suddenly finding it increasingly difficult to form anything but incomprehensible noises.

 

“His liver is failing. He would need an organ transplant immediately and…Mr. Shin, we don’t have time.”

 

He’s dying, is what he’s saying. Hyesung can hear it loud and clear.

 

“.” He closes his eyes and raises his hands to his mouth, forces himself to keep breathing through his fingers. “. . .”

 

A hand lands gently on his arm, and gives it a comforting squeeze. The doctor’s voice is impossibly soft. “I know this isn’t easy, and I truly am sorry. We’re going to give him a round of antibiotics to help him fight off the infection but…”

 

Hyesung shakes his head, wanting to stop his ears from ringing and his lungs from seizing. There’s only one thing that he knows he has to ask but the words stumble and falter several times before they materialize as a whisper, barely able to make it past his lips. The question no parent would ever want to ask about their child:

 

How long?

 

--

 

“Hi, this is Eric. I can’t come to the phone right now but if you leave a message, I’ll get right back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!”

 

Beep.

 

“Eric, it’s me. I…. Listen. Our son…. Eric, Junjin is dying. His liver is failing and he has a fever and he’s being attacked on all sides now by his own body, and I can’t help him, for ’s sakes, I don’t know…I don’t know—”

 

A choked sob.

 

“I don’t know what to do and I don’t know who else to turn to at this point but you, because it’s always been you, Eric, please…please come back. We only have days and I’m…I’m so scared and Junjin must be too, and we can’t do this without you…I can’t do this without you.”

 

Click.

 

--

 

He washes his face before he goes back to Junjin’s room, adamant about not letting his son know he’s been crying. He brings a cup of coffee with him to calm his nerves, as well as a fruit popsicle that he plans to treat Junjin with. Before stepping in, he relaxes his face muscles and practices a smile. When he deems himself ready, he pushes down on the door handle and uses his entire body weight to push the door open.

 

“Jin?” he calls out softly, lest Junjin has fallen asleep. “I’m back, kiddo, and I—”

 

He halts upon seeing that there is more than one person occupying Junjin’s bed, and it takes him seconds to realize who the other person is. Eric is stretched out in the narrow, cramped space where Hyesung has spent most of his hours, Junjin curled up in his arms. He looks up when Hyesung enters, but gives a shushing motion with his fingers. His voice is low as he reads Goodnight Moon, his arm stretched out to show the illustrations to their now-sleeping son. With his other hand he’s softly caressing Junjin’s back, tracing the rocket ships, UFOs, and comets on the boy’s space pajamas. Junjin is resting against Eric’s chest, his hands fisted around the front of Eric’s shirt, his cheeks and ears tinged pink from fever.

 

“‘Goodnight, nobody. Good night, mush. And goodnight to the old lady whispering ‘hush’’...”

 

Coffee pools on the tile floor as Hyesung drops the cup he’s holding. Hot liquid splatters against his shoes, his jeans, but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care….

 

“Eric.” He can barely say his husband’s name, but when he does, when he dares to, it feels like a prayer, an anchor. “Eric, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

Eric looks at him with watery eyes. He looks as terrible as Hyesung feels: ragged and worn and missing more than a few pounds than what’s healthy. Hyesung clasps a hand over his mouth as he approaches, not trusting himself not to sob out loud and wake their son.

 

“I know…I know.” Eric says, although he doesn’t say exactly what he knows. “Come here.”

 

When Hyesung is close enough, Eric drops the book and reaches out to clasp his hand, tight enough for it to hurt, but Hyesung doesn’t flinch. With his free hand, Hyesung cups the back of Junjin’s head, and in a single gesture, all three of them are connected once more, mirroring the photograph on the bedside table, only now there are more tears than smiles: Father. Son. Father. His love and life and light personified. A sob bursts free from his throat, and Eric’s grip trembles.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can never be sorry enough.”

 

--

 

Goodnight stars.
Goodnight air.
Goodnight noises everywhere.

 

--

 

“Dr. Lee called me this morning, before he spoke to you. I rushed right back.”

 

“Did you…your phone…?”

 

“It’s been off.”

 

“Oh. Okay.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Nothing. Are you…staying?”

 

“Yes. For Junjin. I’m staying for him.”

 

“Okay. Okay, good.”

 

“He’s our priority. He’s always been.”

 

“I know. Thank you for coming back.”

 

“I’ll keep my promise. Let’s discuss about…us…after.”

 

“Yes. After. I agree. For now, we’ll focus on Junjin.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

--

 

Junjin rouses at some point in the night, coughing, his skin a living furnace. “Papa,” is the first thing he says, although he still has his eyes closed, and both Eric and Hyesung leap up from their seats.

 

“Hey.” Hyesung says as Eric runs his hands down Junjin’s face, urging him to open his eyes. “Hey, sweetheart. Hi. Papa’s here. It’s Papa, Jin. It’s Papa and Dad. Can you see us?”

 

“Papa.” The boy gives them a dazed smile. “You’re back.”

 

“Yeah I am,” Eric’s voice cracks as he speaks, but he makes no effort to hid it. He holds Junjin’s palm against his own cheek and kisses his fingers. “How’ve you been doing?”

 

“Dad and I…we finished…the pirate ship,” the boy says with difficulty. His chest is rising and falling with full effort, like a balloon that can’t get enough air. “Papa, Dad said…Dad…Disney World…”

 

This time, Eric seems to be moving more decisively, his eyes flitting over at the various monitors crowded around the bed. “Jin, if it’s hard for you to talk, you don’t have to talk, okay?” he says, as Hyesung also suddenly realizes that something is happening, he just doesn’t know what.

“Eric…?” Fatigue has dulled his senses but his instinct is sharp as ever, and familiar panic is now surging through his veins. “Is he all right…?” he says, but Eric raises his palm to silence him.

 

“Disney World, and baseball…in the park.” Junjin breathes in time with his words. “After…with Dad. Let’s all go. Promise?”

 

“Yes, we’ll do that. We’ll do that.” Eric says, his voice thick, and Hyesung sees as he snatches and presses with urgency the call button with his free hand, despite having his full attentions still on Junjin. “Sweetheart, listen…Dad and I love you so much. You know that, right? We love you forever and ever.”

 

Junjin nods against the pillow, his eyes already starting to slip closed once more.

 

“I know,” he whispers back, smiling.

 

--

 

“The infection is in his lungs and it’s developed into pneumonia. His respiratory system is already starting to fail. We’re going to have to intubate soon.”

 

--

 

Seeing his child struggling to breathe is by far the most devastating thing Hyesung has ever had to see, especially knowing that Junjin is still fighting to stay awake, despite the difficulty and pain of doing so.

 

“It won’t hurt.” Eric is trying to explain in his gentlest voice possible, his hand caressing Junjin’s cheek. Amidst the hubbub of the Pediatric ICU, he manages to stay the course, tuning everyone else out so that they can focus solely on their son. His quiet strength is coming off him in waves, and he uses it to ensure Junjin and everyone else in their small bubble can stay calm. As he watches, Hyesung doesn’t doubt that being a doctor really is what Eric is made to be, and he’s grateful…so grateful…that he’s finally there.

 

“You’ll be asleep when they do it. You won’t even feel a thing.”

 

Junjin gives a faint nod, the only indication that he’s even understanding anything that’s going on. Beside him, Hyesung turns away and bites his lip, his tears already flowing freely down his face.

 

“Dad.” His son’s voice is so weak, he can barely be heard under the oxygen mask, but he also manages to squeeze Hyesung’s hand to get his attention. Hyesung wipes his eyes with his shirt sleeve before he turns to face his son.

 

He can’t say goodbye. Not to his boy’s face. Not yet.

 

“I’m brave, see?” he says with false bravado. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

 

“You cry…so much….” Junjin says, gazing up at him. The slight frown he manages to create makes him look like a spitting image of Eric, and Hyesung almost laughs.  

 

“I’m not. I’m not.” He sniffles, already invalidating his claim.

 

“You’ll…pick me up…after practice, right?” Junjin squeezes his hand once more. “Pizza…?”

 

“All the pizza you want,” Hyesung says, his chest hurting so much he wonders if it’s really possible anyone can die of a broken heart. This will be the last time he can ever promise anything to his son. “All the ice cream you want. You can bring all your friends too.”

 

“No…just us.” Junjin murmurs. “Papa too.”

 

“Okay. Okay. Just us, promise.” Hyesung kisses his son’s head, whispering into his hair: I love you, I love you, it will be okay.

 

“Hyesung.” Eric says, indicating to Dongwan who’s moving in to take their place, Dr. Lee in step behind him. Minwoo too is there to bear witness, although his support now is geared towards him and Eric rather than Junjin. Hyesung reluctantly detaches from their son, but stands to the side to watch as they begin the process of intubation.

 

I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t…

 

His knees buckle as the tubing consumes their boy, but a pair of hands grab his arms and hold him upright: Minwoo, who was standing nearest to him…and Eric.

 

“I’ve got him,” Eric says softly to Minwoo. “I’ve got him, it’s okay.”

 

Hyesung feels himself being turned so he’s no longer facing the desperate scene in front of him, and instead finds himself face-to-face with the crook of Eric’s shoulder.

 

“You don’t have to watch it.” Eric murmurs into his ear. “It’s okay.”

 

“I have to…I have to…” Hyesung’s breath convulses against his throat because this is his role as a parent, that no matter how difficult, he has to face it with his child, for his child. He makes to turn again but is forced to stay in his spot as Eric envelops him in an embrace.

 

“I’ll watch for the both of us.” Eric speaks in a shaking whisper. “He knows you’re here, that’s all that matters…you don’t have to fight so hard.”

 

I’m here, goes unsaid, but Hyesung has never been more relieved.

 

He gives up on fighting and surrenders himself to Eric’s hold, his tears now falling freely onto his shirt, his heart aching for losses that will never be recovered, for time that will never be consumed, for chances that will never be taken, all because of one boy who will never wake up.

 

--

 

“It may be helpful to already consider arrangements.”

 

“We know.”

 

“Dr. Mun…Mr. Shin. I’m so sorry.”

 

“…We know.”

 

--

 

By midmorning the next day, the situation grows more dire.

 

“We’re looking at multiple organ failure now.” Dr. Lee says, his expression solemn. “The most we can do is keep him comfortable, but…we have done our utmost best. We have him on the maximum dose of morphine that we can give him so we can manage his pain but the decision will be ultimately up to you.”

 

Again so many words, and yet only one meaning: when would you like for your son to die?

 

“Is there…” Hyesung is out of tears and is only left with a ading sense of calm and detachment. He feels as though he’s an observer of the three of them, assembled once more in a loose circle in another hospital corridor, discussing the fate of their son as though it’s a strategy in a chess game. If he does it this way, it doesn’t hurt that much. If he does it this way…for a moment…he can forget that he’s about to be stripped away of one of his most cherished titles: that of being a father.

 

He tries again. “Is there a specific time or moment that we should be…acting upon it?”

 

Dr. Lee shakes his head. “It will be your decision as to when we should stop life support. Dr. Mun, Mr. Shin…I’m very sorry—”

 

“STOP saying you’re sorry, for Christ’s sake.” Eric snaps, the thin veneer of his composure now torn and shredded at their feet. The doctor is gone and the father is now in his place, broken and beaten and oh so lost. “Stop. Stop, for ’s sake. I don’t want to hear you’re sorry. I don’t need it.”

 

Dr. Lee nods in acknowledgement, his lips pressed tightly together, and Hyesung almost pities him. They did try, they tried so hard…

 

A ringing shatters the tense silence between them and Dr. Lee bows at them apologetically. It’s his phone and he’s being called away to see to another patient, and Hyesung hopes with a twinge in his heart that it’s one with a more promising outlook. He gives both of them a final murmur of ‘sorry’ before hurrying down the opposite way and leaving them alone in the corridor. Beside Hyesung, Eric has gone quiet, the only sounds emanating from him the shaky breaths he takes each time he draws air.

 

“Eric.” Hyesung says, and oh God how he wants to touch him and comfort him but he cannot because this is how life is now and he has to bear this cross until he takes his last breath.

 

“It isn’t fair.” Eric says, his lips trembling. “This is so…ing…unfair.”

 

I know, Hyesung wants to say but chooses silence instead, because there are no words in the universe that could aptly describe the vast aching void looming ahead of them, the feeling of loss so great that he wonders how either of them are still standing, having already gone past the breaking point with no means to return.

 

--

 

“You can do it in your own time. You can work your way towards it, and when you’re ready…”

 

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? He will never be ready. They will never be ready to say goodbye to their son. But in the meantime…

 

“Minwoo.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Could you do me a favor?”

 

--

 

He takes Eric to a hotel across the street, leaving Junjin in the care of Minwoo who’s agreed to sit with him through the night in the PICU. For once, Eric doesn’t argue or say anything; he just follows Hyesung to their room on the 18^th floor, with the view away from the hospital. They’ve also been given a Queen bed despite him asking for a twin room, but even Hyesung is too tired to bicker with the concierge.

 

“Go and shower. I’ll take this side, if it’s okay.” Hyesung says. Eric nods and disappears into the bathroom. It’s only 5 minutes before he emerges again, and Hyesung follows suit. He stands under the hot water for 30 minutes, until he’s sure he there are no more tears left to cry. When he goes back into the bedroom, Eric is already curled up on the opposite side of the bed, his face hidden in the shadows.  

 

I’ve already lost them both, he realizes. By the end of this year he will no longer be a father, nor a husband, and the thought is so incomprehensible that it’s almost surreal. Did the past two decades really happen? Or was it an alternate life, with a different Hyesung, a different Eric, a different Junjin, laughing somewhere in a different city, still whole and healthy and happy?

 

He slips into the opposite side of the bed with a quiet sigh. No matter the consequences, they will have to be something he’ll just have to accept. For now, he can do Eric this one last favor: a good night’s sleep away from a hospital.

 

“Goodnight, Moon.” Hyesung whispers to the darkness, without really expecting a reply. He settles and starts to close his eyes as the silence gapes on….

 

“I listened to your messages.”

 

Hyesung freezes, his eyes suddenly flying open. Eric’s voice is so soft, it almost sounds as though he’s talking in his sleep. But he knows that isn’t the case.

 

“All of them.” Eric says. “All the messages you left me on my phone.”

 

Hyesung doesn’t dare to turn around even though there’s nothing else that he wants to do more. He holds his breath, too afraid that if he speaks now, Eric may stop. Thankfully, he doesn’t.

 

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive you. I don’t know…if I have the courage to do it. But…I don’t…I can’t…”

 

“You don’t have to.” Hyesung finishes for him. He maintains his position on the bed, too afraid to move and face another impending goodbye. “If you can’t do it, I’ll sign the divorce papers. I’ll make it easy. I mean it. We don’t…we don’t deserve more hurt, Eric. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I’ll do everything to make it as easy as possible.”

 

If that’s what you want, I will let you go, I will, I will…

 

“Junjin…” Eric breathes. “Thank you for taking care of him so well…even when I wasn’t there.”

 

The statement has a lot of implications, but Hyesung chooses not to dwell on them because his throat is closing up.

 

Seven years. Even in that short span of time, he hadn’t counted on the happiness and sorrow a single child could bring into their lives, and he doubts it’s something that any parent in any corner of the world can ever measure or even hope to replicate. Hyesung has never had his heart expand so quickly than when he first saw Junjin, and has never experienced his heart shattering in the cruelest way possible than when he realized he could no longer protect him.

 

“He’s my kid too.” Hyesung says, and he knows there’s only a limited amount of time now that he can still keep saying it, so he relishes it. “He’s our kid.”

 

“More your kid than mine.” Eric sniffs. “Not that I minded…. His mannerisms…” There sounds what seems to be an amused scoff, but Hyesung attributes it to the air-conditioning.

 

“I put him on the transplant list,” Hyesung suddenly confesses, although he isn’t sure why. “When Dr. Lee told me the news about his liver and started telling me that I needed to think ahead, the only thing I could think of was I still had to put him on the transplant list. I made him put Junjin on that list even though…even though…”

 

Even though it’s useless and a dead end and a waste of everyone else’s time but how can I not? He’s done due diligence for his son the whole seven years of his life. He isn’t going to stop now.

 

“I would have done the same thing.” Eric says after a pause. “I would have given my own if…if there was even half a chance that he would get through…”

 

The day. The week. The month. The year. How menial time seems now, with their boy no longer able to chase a ball, answer a test, run through a park, breathe on his own. How menial everything is.

 

“Goodnight, Moon.” Hyesung says, because he’s exhausted, even though he doesn’t want tomorrow to come.

 

“Good night.” Eric says with a sigh. “Get some rest.”

 

And Hyesung does, falling for the first time after so many days into a deep and dreamless sleep.

 

--

 

“Dr. Mun, we’re no longer able to detect any further brain activity in your son. We’re so very sorry.”

 

--

 

“Eric…”

 

“I know…I know.”

 

--

 

They agree and sign to take Junjin off the ventilator two days later, right before the summer ends and just as baseball season is about to conclude. They will switch off the breathing support machine at 8PM, during the Golden Hour, that magical slice of time just before sunset when the entire city is drenched in light. Hyesung can think of no better time that Junjin would have loved.

 

They stay in the PICU with Junjin the entire day, sequestered in a private nook that’s been granted to them so they can be with their dying son in peace. They read to him from his favorite books, or retell to him his favorite stories, but Hyesung and Eric do not speak to each other because there is far too much and yet also far too little to say, and so they let the silence settle between them.

 

“Do you remember the Mini Moon story, Jin? You used to love to hear that.” Hyesung holds his son’s hands. “After Papa and I got married, we didn’t go on a honeymoon because we needed to get back to work. But during that time, he and I both knew that we wanted to have a baby…”

 

It’s a story they’ve told Junjin hundreds of times, so much so that the boy already had it memorized enough to fill in the important parts on his own. It’s the first time that Hyesung is telling it to his son and is receiving silence in return, but he forces himself to plow on, clasping on to his son’s hand tighter.

 

“…after 9 months of waiting, you finally came along. And Papa and I were so so happy…”

 

He can still remember even the smallest of memories: the soft, sunny smell of their newborn; the wispy fingers and toes curling and uncurling at the slightest touch; the downy hair that gathered at the center of their son’s head like a tiny mohawk…

 

“…and we kissed you and hugged you and the nurse took that picture. You remember, the one that was sitting on your bedside table, of the three of us when you were a baby? We sent that picture to everyone that we knew, and we told them: ‘Who needs a Honeymoon when you can have a Mini Moon?’ And that’s how people found out you’d been born and they all drove down to see you and gave you lots of presents…”

 

How beautiful that summer was, and every year since that time that Junjin was born. Hyesung wonders if, after today, he can ever find it beautiful again.

 

“Shin-Moon.”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s Shin-Moon.” Eric says, correcting him the same way Junjin does (did).

 

You told them ‘Mini Shin-Moon’, because that’s my name. I belong to both you and Papa.

 

“Yes.” Hyesung says, tears welling in his eyes as he looks up at Eric, as the ghost of Junjin’s voice echoing in the cavern of his chest where his heart used to be. “You’re exactly right.”

 

--

 

He leaves to go to the bathroom at 7:20PM. He doesn’t mean to, but his stomach is roiling uncomfortably and he supposes it’s his own body’s way of dealing with an imminent goodbye. After dry heaving for a good number of minutes, he gets to his feet and washes his face, then starts to hurriedly make his way back to their room. He’s caught off-guard when he hears someone speaking inside and for a moment thinks someone else is in with their son. But then, he recognizes the sniffle that resounds from the room, the sniffle of someone who is trying very hard not to cry but is miserably failing.

 

Hyesung stays by the doorway as he listens to Eric speak to Junjin for the last time.

 

“Jin…sweetheart. I know you can hear me.

 

“I’m…sorry…I wasn’t there for you a lot when you needed me. I know you wanted me to take you to practice, and that you wanted me to watch your games. I knew that you wanted me to go to Career Day and Storybook Sharing Day, but I couldn’t, because I was so busy, and I’m sorry for that. Dad would take you instead, remember? He would take you to all of the parks and parties and playdates and then when I came home both of you would tell me all about it and then I wouldn’t feel so bad because I knew you had a good time anyway, even without me there. That was the only thing that mattered to me. Now I realize I should have cared more about spending more time with you. But it was only because I thought we had time…. Stupid, especially for a doctor, to think that we will always have time…

 

“Dad was always your favorite, right? Even when he and I…disagreed…I knew that I could leave you safe with him, and I was right. Dad would never let anything bad happen to you, not willingly, because he loves you so much, Jin. He loves you more than life itself and I know this is killing him. I should have seen it sooner. I should have stayed and fought harder so that I could have noticed how sick you were getting, but I didn’t, and now…now I’m going to lose you both.

 

“My baby, how could you leave us so soon? Dad and I…sweetheart, I don’t know how Dad and I are going to live without you.

 

“I love you both…I love you both so much that it frightens me. I’ve loved you for the entire seven years you’ve been with us and I’ve loved your Dad for twenty and I don’t see myself ever giving either of you up. I love you both enough that I would give anything…absolutely anything…to keep you from leaving me, but you’re going without saying goodbye, and Dad…Dad is leaving because we both keep hurting each other and I know it’s for the best but God…I want to try again. You understand that, Jin, right? Your Dad is the sole person who knows me, berates me, drives me insane, but there is no other person I would rather go through the end of the world with.

 

“All three of us have beaten the odds at so many points in our lives that I took for granted what we have, but there’s been no one else that I have reached the peak of happiness with apart from you and your Dad, Junjin Shin-Mun, and I am at a loss realizing that I will never be that happy again.

 

“I will miss you so much, my perfect, reckless, impossible son. You and Dad were the greatest gifts of my life, and I’m so sorry…I will forever be sorry that I couldn’t do anything more to get you to stay.”
 

--

 

It takes five minutes before Hyesung can steel himself to finally enter. Eric is seated hunched over Junjin with his hands holding one of the boy’s own. He doesn’t look when Hyesung sits, but Hyesung knows…he knows…

 

“Eric…” he breathes, because this is their final chance, maybe, and he will risk it because oh God, everything already hurts so much and please God, can we have just this one thing…just this one thing…

 

“I don’t want to leave you. I love you. So much.”

 

Always have, always will, and it’s always only been you and I’m so sorry, I really am, but if you want to…if you’re willing…please can we try just one last time…please

 

Eric looks at him, his face tear-streaked, but with the same amount of affection in his eyes that Hyesung remembers he saw in the boy he met so many years ago. Along with it: the tiniest sliver of hope.

 

Maybe, goes unsaid, but for him it is enough. For now, it is enough.

 

--

 

The hour closes in and Hyesung is trying very hard to control his tears. It’s his turn now to say goodbye.

 

“He can hear me, right?” he asks Eric, and Eric gives a silent nod. Hyesung stands and lowers the guardrails of Junjin’s bed, wanting very much to hold his son a final time, but restricts himself to just clasping his hand and brushing back his hair with his fingers, the same way he would whenever he would try to help Junjin get to sleep.

 

“I don’t want you to leave.” He whispers. His tears are blinding him, and he wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand. On the other side of the bed, directly in front of him, Eric looks equally defeated. “Can’t you stay, sweetheart? Can’t you stay, please?”

 

He can almost hear Junjin’s voice: Are you afraid, Dad?

 

Yes, I am. Very much so, because I don’t know how to exist in a world without you in it.

 

“You are my biggest blessing and my joy.” Hyesung murmurs into Junjin’s hair, breathing him in, relishing his warmth. “I am so glad we had you. I don’t regret a single moment…”

 

Not a single tantrum, or sleepless night; not when you used the kitchen shears to cut the computer cord; not when you flushed our credit cards down the toilet; not when you put a live frog in Papa’s briefcase…

 

7:56. It will be minutes now.

 

“Jin…when you wake up again, we won’t be there. But you have to wait for Papa and I, okay? And when we get there…when we find you again…we will keep our promise. We will pick you up from practice, and we will watch your games, and then we’ll have pizza and ice cream and all the candy you want, and hang out in the park until it’s time to go home. And I promise we will go to Disney World. I promise…

 

7:58. The breathing support machine’s clicks and beeps slow down.

 

“We don’t want you to go but if you have to go…if you want to go…because it hurts too much, Papa and I will let you. But please wait for us…wait for us, sweetheart. Papa and I will just finish our work here first. It’ll be over before you know it and we will see each other again. We will.”

 

7:59. Only seconds left.

 

He is dying unto himself as his son fades before his eyes because this is so cruel and unfair and I have been stripped bare until there is nothing left, and how can you move on and live the rest of your life when the core of your being is being taken away despite everything you’ve tried to do to protect it, but I will try…I will try for you, Jin, because it’s what you would have wanted…it’s what you would have deserved…

 

“I’m brave, sweetheart. I really am. You have to be brave too. So good night, my baby. Good night…I love you so much…”

 

I will try…

 

A hand covers his own, the one holding Junjin’s, and holds them both in its grasp. Hyesung looks up and sees Eric looking at him, and they are whole again, a family of three for the final time. Father. Father. Son. Love and life and light personified.

 

“Hyesung.” Eric says, tears and love and hope in his eyes, and it is enough. It is enough.

 

We will try.

 

--

 

This is where it ends…and this is where they begin again.

 

 

 

END.



Author's Notes:
1. Don't ask me why I wrote this, and how it ended up this way, I don't know either. :((( I just needed catharsis.
2. Title is from The Empire Strikes Back. 

Very special thank you to my patient beta and medical consultant, Justine. :)