Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2) – NEITHER PARENT PRESENT

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 3:30PM – 5^th Appointment

 

Personal Notes:

(My hand is shaking. I’m sorry.)

Arrived in pt’s room early (approx. 3:15?) for 5^th appointment. Found pt sitting up in bed awake and in clear respiratory distress. No parent present (??!!) and so rushed in and attempted to assist. Pt was having difficulty breathing and had chest pains. Had been attempting to use call button for nurse but button had fallen off the side of the bed and he couldn’t locate it (note: CALL BUTTONS FOR CHILDREN SHOULD BE MORE CHILD-FRIENDLY WTF). Pressed button for him to alert nurse on duty. Thankfully Dongwan was right outside.

Pt said he woke up ‘a while ago’ bec couldn’t breathe but no Dad in sight. Breathing very ragged and pt very pale, also very scared. Tried to keep pt calm while Dongwan checked vitals. Was instructed by Dongwan to call parents using number they obtained that morning. Attempted to call 3 times while pt was being attended to. Fr2 not answering. Was leaving a msg for Fr2 to contact MSK when pt lost consciousness and went into sudden cardiac arrest. Situation escalated from there.

Attempted to call Fr1 using hospital records. Fr1 picked up at 1^st attempt. Was fortunately already in building and was making way up to pediatrics…

No session today.

--

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun

Aug 10, 15:17:
Pt awake and in distress.
Complaints of difficulty of breathing
Complaints of left side pain
Cold to touch
Vital signs noted.
BP 90/70, HR 120, RR 15, T 36.40
AP alerted.
Parents notified.

15:25
Pt lost consciousness
Vital signs noted.
RR 8, HR 80
Weak at carotid, BP unable to obtain
Began BVM ventilation
No gag reflex present
Pt placed on 4 lead with combo defib pads
Rechecked pulse, pulses determined WEAK-ABSENT
Began manual chest compression
Defib pt at (0001) with 200J
Resumed CPR
Rechecked rhythm at (0003)
Intubated
Gave 1mg epinephrine
Continued CPR
Rechecked rhythm

15:35
Pt is in NSR with palpable pulse of 80
Pulses weak at radius
BP 80/40

Signed: Dongwan Kim
Shift: 10:00 (12hr)

--

Lawyers are not prone to panicking.

Lawyers are trained that there is always a way out of everything: bend, warp, deflect if you must, but do not break. Panicking is a clear sign of being unqualified, and a one-way ticket to losing a case and consequently damning your client. Panicking is completely unacceptable.

“Eric! ing answer the phone, damn it!”

In parenting, however…

“ERIC!”

It’s an entirely different ball game altogether.

--

Hyesung has never run so fast in his life.

His shoes scrape against the hospital’s marble and tile flooring as he races up to the 9^th floor via the emergency stairwell. Both his chest and his eyes are burning while his phone, with Minwoo’s cryptic message, is still held tightly in his grasp. He doesn’t know what to expect; his mind is blissfully blank apart from the message still playing on loop in his head—

“Hyesung.”

Hyesung hears Eric before he can even see him, but then he can barely see anything else apart from his son, whom he had left perfectly safe and sleeping not even two hours past, now lying intubated and looking closer to death than he had ever thought to imagine. His knees nearly buckle at the sight, but he manages to stumble close enough to the bed to grasp onto Junjin’s hand.

“Jin…” His son’s name stumbles from his lips almost as a gasp. He kisses the boy’s fingers, his vision suddenly obscured with unbidden tears.

It’s the height of summer and yet his son’s hand is so cold.

“Hyesung.”

This time, Hyesung looks up and turns. Eric is standing in front of him, pale and still as a statue, his eyes the only color evident on his face.

“Where were you.”

Eric’s voice is barely a whisper, and his lips tremble as he speaks. Hyesung realizes with painful clarity that this is only the second time he’s seen Eric this angry. His hands clench into fists at his sides instinctively as he pushes down his instinct to bend, warp, deflect.

“I—” For a moment, he considers telling the unvarnished truth, but then quickly decides against it. Time and place. “I went to the office.”

“The office.” Eric repeats tonelessly. His voice is hoarse and rubbed raw, but his eyes are like granite: cold, hard, and unforgiving. “You went to the office to…smoke?” He leans forward and inhales. “That’s not even your cigarette brand.”

Blood rushes to Hyesung’s face. “I didn’t smoke…”

“Then what was so important in your ing office that you left our son alone long enough for him to go into cardiac arrest?”

The words feel like a strike to the chest. Hyesung stumbles backward, one hand gripping the guardrail of Junjin’s bed so tightly that he can feel his own skin strain against his knuckles. Eric remains standing in front of him, practically shaking with white fury.

“He what…?” He can barely get his mouth to function properly. His tongue feels as though it’s plastered to the roof of his mouth. “Eric. I tried to call—”

“I tried to call!” Eric speaks through gritted teeth, his jaw clenched so tight Hyesung can see the skin quiver against his pulse. “I tried to call you, Hyesung…for seven…ing…times because our son…” his voice cracks as he refers to Junjin, his eyes shining now with unshed tears, “…our son was clinically dead for knows how long and…God help me, neither of us was there.”

Clinically dead? Bile rises in Hyesung’s throat, sour and bitter and burning all at once.

“What happened? Eric…what ing happened?” He rapidly runs through the uneventful morning that they had. Were there signs? “I swear to God, he was fine—”

“Fine?” Eric spits the word with venom. He advances towards Hyesung in the same way a cobra would its prey: to strike. “Hyesung, I don’t know if you’ve completely understood this situation we’re in but Junjin has ing cancer. None of this – any of this – is fine!”

The statement gives him pause. Because Hyesung knows this, of course, and he’d argue that he’s known it all along, but it feels different hearing the words from Eric. They penetrate deeper, burrowing into the marrow of his bones. If he was being honest, a gunshot to the balls would have hurt less.

“I didn’t say it was, you !” He retaliates in defense, guilt already eating at him from all ends. In one breath, he rattles off everything he can remember doing with Junjin that day: “He said he felt fine, he was at Yellow-Green Six. We ate breakfast. I helped him to the bathroom. We talked about how he felt…for God’s sakes, he was sleeping the last time I saw him!”

“‘The last time you saw him.’” Eric echoes his last statement, his tone taking on a dangerous edge. “Because you left.”

At this, Hyesung is silent. There is no good defense for the indefensible act, no matter the motive. And they have been in this problematic corner before…

“You left. Even though I had asked you to please look after our son while I got called away. Even though there was no one else that could have kept an eye on him.” Eric says the words carefully and with full purpose. “You left our very ill…six-year-old child…to fend for himself when he woke up unable to breathe, which then led to him going into cardiac arrest. He was very sick and very scared and you. ing. Left.”

It’s like a car crash he can’t turn away from. The six-car pileup in Harlem. A domino effect of bad decisions now leading to this, the pinnacle of his shame and self-loathing.

“I didn’t know.” The statement stumbles out of Hyesung’s mouth before he can stop himself. “Eric. I know it means nothing now but I’m sorry—”

“You’re sorry?” Eric lets out a hollow laugh. It’s a mournful, pitiful sound. “For what, Hyesung? What exactly are you sorry for?” He gestures to Junjin who’s still blissfully unaware of the argument taking place. “Do you know how ironic it is to have to come from a double shift, saving multiple people’s lives, then coming back in time to see your own child pretty much dead, with you unable to do anything to save him? Do you realize just how deeply ironic that is?”

For once in a long while, Hyesung wants to reach out to hold his husband’s hand. To plead. To grovel. To comfort. But his hands stay firmly at his sides.

“And then, while your son is fighting for his life, you realize that your soon-to-be-ex-husband…your partner and best friend for over twenty years…is not actually there with him. He is, in fact, off the premises, uncontactable by everyone even the staff who had previously requested his number in case of emergencies, because during the time their child was gasping for breath asking for his parents and was practically at death’s door, he was apparently at his office…sharing cigarettes with his lover.”

Hyesung can feel the blood previously gathered in his face drain away so fast that he’s lightheaded.

“That is not true.” He says, fury coloring his tone. “You can hate me all you want, but that is not ing true, Eric Mun.”

Eric sneers in reply. “What were you doing in your office then, Mr. Hyesung Shin, Esq.? I for one am dying to know. I’m sure Junjin is too.”

“Stop.” Eric has never hit him this low below the belt before and although he’s shocked, he will not stand for it. “Eric. Don’t you dare.”

But Eric is already on a roll, his slow-burning temper now alight and ready to raze everything in its path.

“I’ve been trying to rack my brains all this time wondering what on earth could be in that godforsaken office of yours that would have merited your presence. Only Kangta—”

“The divorce papers.”

Oh God. 

Eric halts and looks at Hyesung, his eyes wide with unbridled shock.

“Excuse me?”

“The divorce papers.” Hyesung repeats, keeping his voice as steady as possible despite the growing panic in his gut. “I looked over them a final time and…” Oh God. Oh God. “I signed.”

This time, it’s Eric who seems rendered speechless. Several layers of hurt, betrayal, and utter resentment flash across his face before they settle and harden into one of barely-controlled anger.

“You signed.” He says as though exhaling a breath. “You left our son alone…to sign our divorce papers.”

Hyesung feels sick to his stomach at having to pursue the lie, but there’s no way he can possibly admit to Eric now the truth of where he had gone.

“Get out.”

Somehow, he expected this. But it doesn’t make it hurt less.

“Eric, please…” Hyesung is ready to beg. “Please don’t do this.”

“Get. Out.”

There’s no use fighting. Hyesung stares worriedly at the machines monitoring their son, hoping that Junjin in his sedated state doesn’t pick up any of the rage percolating in the room. They have never seriously fought in front of their only child, and he’s sorry they’ve had to do that now.

“Please don’t make me leave him.” He would rather die than leave Junjin now. “Eric, I’m begging you for this one last thing…”

But Eric already has a hand clamped on his shoulder and is steering him out the door.

“You left him once, you can do it again.” Eric growls then pushes him out of the room. Hyesung stands in the hallway, staring at the face of the man he loves and who, at one point, had loved him back, but now looks at him with such hatred he can’t help but visibly wince.

“This is what you wanted, right? A divorce?” Eric’s chest is heaving as though he’s just run a marathon. His cheeks are wet. “Well, I’ll give it to you. I’m having my lawyer revise those papers to include sole custody and a restraining order based on negligence and child endangerment.”

“What? No, Eric, please—!”

“Thank you, Hyesung. You have a nice life.”

Eric shuts the door with a click, and Hyesung feels his entire world – past, present, and future – collapse at his feet.

--

This is how they promised forever:

An intimate wedding at New York City Hall with fifteen guests, both sets of parents included, followed by a reception at the River Café, a stone’s throw away from the Brooklyn Bridge. A spectacular view of the Manhattan skyline at sunset, the sky a brilliant burnished orange. From inside the café, the soft tinkling of a piano.

The first time, ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes

What are you doing out here?

A hand that snakes around Hyesung’s waist as he watches the waters of the Hudson gush past, the river sparkling silver like the rings now on his and Eric’s fingers.

And the moon and the stars
Were the gifts you gave

Nothing. Just…overwhelmed, I guess.

Is it because both our moms are complaining about the lack of Korean food on the menu?

Hyesung laughs. Among other things.

And the first time, ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hands

Care to dance?

Like the trembling heart
Of a captive bird
That was there, at my command

Eric’s hand, warm and a comforting weight on his shoulder, leading him in a slow, intimate waltz. Hyesung presses his face against his (new) husband’s chest, comforted in the steady rhythm of his heart.

My love

Are you crying?

And the first time, ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine

Maybe.

Why?

And I knew our joy
Would fill the earth

I’m just…so happy. And I love you so much.

And last, ‘til the end of time

--

SUBJECT: Staff Complaint Received [HIGH-PRIORITY]
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Dear Hyesung,

I’ve just received a request from Kangta to have your cases docketed to someone else as he has also filed a complaint about you to HR. I’m not entirely sure what this is about but I’ve asked HR to hold it off until I can contact you. I know this is an extremely bad time with your son hospitalized, but when you get the time, could you give me a call?

JJ

--

Despair finds him, but so does hope.

“Mr. Shin.”

Someone taps him lightly on the arm and Hyesung quickly snaps awake. Dongwan is peering down at him, already changed out of his scrubs. For a moment, he doesn’t remember where he is, but then it all comes back as he takes in his surroundings of leatherette sofas, overly colorful rugs, and a TV playing a Peppa Pig rerun. The 9^th floor public waiting room is where he’s been exiled to after his confrontation with Eric.

“Dongwan!” Hyesung bolts upright in his seat, all vestiges of sleep that had been clinging on to him suddenly gone. “I’ve been looking for you.”

Worry for his son had kept him constantly loitering outside Junjin’s room, hoping to get a glimpse of Dongwan to get any update on Junjin’s condition, before other nurses had asked him to wait elsewhere if he wasn’t going to enter. Pride had kept him from doing so, and had also kept him rooted to the 9^th floor despite a part of him desperately wanting to fling himself off of the hospital rooftop. It surprises him that he had even managed to fall asleep in the waiting room; he hadn’t even noticed how tired he was.

“I heard,” the nurse gives him a warm grin, although the exhaustion is evident on his face. “That’s why I came looking for you too.”

He sits beside Hyesung without waiting for an invitation then quickly produces a banana and a bran muffin from his backpack. “Have you had dinner?” he asks as he offers the items. “I know it’s past 10PM but here, take this. We get it free from the lounge.” When Hyesung shakes his head to decline, he insists, then starts peeling the banana and divides it among the two of them.

“Eat that, at least. It’ll do you good,” he instructs. He waits until Hyesung has a bite before he speaks again. “The other nurses told me several times you were looking for me but I was doing rounds. Sorry for that. I’m just glad I saw you out here. I’m just on my way home.”

Hyesung feels a little guilty for keeping him but is grateful all the same for the extension of the other man’s kindness. God knows he isn’t the only parent with a gravely ill child wanting a nurse’s undivided attention.

“Dongwan. I’m sorry for having to ask you, but…my son. I…” He’s still trying to wrap his head around everything that’s happened that day and so needs a moment before speaking so he can gulp down the lump in his throat. “I spoke to my husband about what happened this afternoon. Junjin…how has he been? And can you tell me what this means now for him?”

85%. The number is still seared into his brain. He just needs to know…

“Well, Mr. Shin…”
 

“Hyesung, please.”

“Hyesung.” Dongwan gives him a small smile and clears his throat. “Well…it was definitely a close call what happened, and I’m glad your son still pulled through. He’s stable for now but his prognosis is something only Dr. Lee can inform you on. Not me.”

Something like lead and ice forms in Hyesung’s stomach. “Dr. Lee?”

Dongwan nods. “We’ll have Junjin’s pathology results by tomorrow so Dr. Lee will want to speak to you and Dr. Mun then. He’ll be able to explain why this happened and also tell you if we’d need to do other tests on him. But for now, you should go back to the room and get some rest.”

Hyesung shakes his head. “No, it’s okay.”

“Oh?” Dongwan looks momentarily confused. He turns towards the corridor that leads to Junjin’s room. “Dr. Mun was actually looking for you just a while ago when I was checking on Junjin. He was asking me where you were but I hadn’t known then that you were here. I can tell him—”

“No!” Hyesung clutches at Dongwan’s wrists as he makes to stand and pulls him back down to sit on the sofa. “No, it’s okay. I’m just…taking a breather out here for now. I’ll go back eventually. Don’t worry about it.”

A flash of skepticism crosses over Dongwan’s face before it’s overtaken by one of keen understanding. If he suspects anything, he’s at least polite enough to not ask about it. “All right then,” he says, and doesn’t force the matter any further. Hyesung is grateful.

“What time will Dr. Lee do his rounds tomorrow? And you said he’ll have the results then?”

“He should be coming round to Junjin’s room by 8AM. He’s always early. So just make sure you’re there so you don’t miss out.”

“All right. Thanks, Dongwan. I’m sorry for keeping you.”

Dongwan nods and makes to leave, but once he’s on his feet, he hesitates, taking in the sight of Hyesung sitting in the waiting room alone.

“You’ll be all right here?”

Hyesung manages a weak grin. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, if you need uh…” the nurse rubs the back of his neck almost shyly, “like an extra shirt or anything, go to the nurse’s station and ask them to bring you one from my stash. It’s okay, I have plenty of spares.”

The offer is incredibly kind, especially after the day he’s had. Hyesung doesn’t even bother declining anymore to keep up pretenses.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks.” He says, smiling genuinely. Dongwan nods.

“And don’t worry, the night shift nurses here are pretty good too. Junjin is in good hands.”

Hyesung curls his fingers and presses them hard against his lap, his guilt once more making his stomach clench.

“Thank you,” is all he can say when he is so near and yet so far to his son. “It means a lot for me to hear you say that.”

He watches as Dongwan says a final goodbye before turning and walking away. He reaches for the remote control left on the coffee table and turns off the TV; Peppa disappears in a blink, leaving him alone under the faded wash of fluorescent lights, with the enduring noise of Manhattan’s eternal traffic several stories down seeping in through the windows as the only familiar comfort he’s left with.

He sits on the sofa until sunrise. He does not sleep another wink.

--

(3) Missed Calls from Umma

(1) New Message

From: Umma
Could you call me please? Gosh, Hyesung, I’m so worried. Where are you? Even Eric isn’t answering now. What’s going on?

--

Hyesung takes Dongwan’s advice and arrives in front of Junjin’s room two minutes before 8AM. Eric, still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, also emerges from the room at nearly the same time.

“I thought I told you to leave.” Eric says in a low voice. Hyesung is careful to avoid his gaze but maintains his stance. He is not going to be sent away to not hear on matters concerning his son.

“You did but you’re going to have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming.”

“Tempting, I can assure you.”

“I’m not fighting you right now, Eric, so you’d better quit while you’re ahead—”

“Gentlemen. Good morning.” Dr. Andy Lee suddenly appears, interrupting their impromptu squabble and causing a momentary ceasefire. He gives them both a curt nod, uncaring for the tension between them, and dives straight into the meat of the matter. “I have the pathology test results.”

Hyesung stiffens, worrying at the edge of his shirt with his fingers. Beside him, Eric also seems to have gone rigid.

“The results show that the tumor we extracted from Junjin is invasive. This means the cancer has likely metastasized to his other organs, and the incident yesterday was just the tip of the iceberg. I’m sorry.” Dr. Lee averts his eyes as he says the last sentence, his dark brown hair falling into his face. “We’re now looking at a case of recurrent neuroblastoma. Dr. Mun, you know what this means—Junjin now has Stage 4 cancer.”

Hyesung hears as Eric in a noisy breath, while he, in contrast, seems to have held his automatically. The moment feels like the silence after a bomb has gone off: deafening and jarring, with the assurance of witnessing destruction once you’re brave enough to open your eyes.

Stage 4? But that means…that means…

“What does it mean?” Hyesung is shocked that he can still manage to speak. His mind is a vacuum but his mouth is running on autopilot. “I’m not a doctor so…could you please break down what this kind of diagnosis would entail?”

Dr. Lee adjusts his glasses before focusing solely on Hyesung. His expression is incredibly grave.

“What it means is we’ll have to run an MIBG scan on your son to determine where exactly the cancer has spread to and so we can come up with a treatment plan. He’s intubated at the moment, so we can’t start on it today, but we can extubate by tomorrow morning then if his vitals improve, we can infuse the dye by early afternoon. We should be able to do the scan by Sunday then, and get the results by Monday.”

Hyesung is slightly relieved that Junjin will no longer require the breathing tube. “Will he be awake then?”

“He should be stirring by tomorrow. But we’ll give him a sedative so we can do the scan by Sunday.”

“Is it necessary to do those things almost immediately after the other? Won’t it hurt him?”

“Mr. Shin.” Dr. Lee says, and this time his face is lined with pity. “Time is essential at this point.”

The way he says it makes Hyesung’s throat tighten, as though the words themselves are threatening to crush his windpipe. They had entered the hospital last week with him having full confidence that they’d be strolling out by today….

“You said it’s an 85% recovery rate.” He blurts out, remembering their discussion during Junjin’s first diagnosis. He can’t help the sliver of betrayal in his tone. “Our son…he’s normal. He’s a perfectly normal six-year-old boy! Why wouldn’t he be part of that statistic?”

Once more, Dr. Lee averts his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Dr. Lee says. “But we will do whatever we can to try to save your son’s life.”

Beside him, Eric stays unmoving and silent, as though he was never even part of the conversation at all.

--

“What are the odds?”

“Hyesung. I am not having this conversation, especially not with you.”

“Eric!”

But Eric turns and enters Junjin’s room without another word, leaving Hyesung alone in the hospital corridor. His hand rests lightly on the door handle but goes no further. Instead he leans his forehead against the wood, trying very hard not to break down crying right then and there.

--

SUBJECT: Staff Complaint Received [HIGH-PRIORITY]
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Hyesung,

Don’t do this. We can’t contact you by phone now. Have you blocked the number?

JJ

--

When Hyesung is able to find the inner strength to enter Junjin’s room, he does so with purpose. He finds Eric on the chair by the bed, hunched over in his seat, staring at their sleeping son. He doesn’t look at Hyesung.

“Tell me right now, Eric.”

“There’s nothing to tell. You know everything I know.”

“That’s a lie.” Hyesung isn’t sure what he’s after. Assurance? A confirmation? An opinion? Something from his husband. “This is your field. At least say something!”

“What can I tell you that you don’t already know?”

Hyesung’s chest feels like it’s about to explode. He blinks back tears. One thing. The most important one.

“Is our son going to die?”

This time, Eric looks at him, his eyes dark and red-rimmed.

“Leave the room now before I ask security to do it for you.”

“Eric!”

“Right ing now. Get the hell out!”

--

SUBJECT: Letter of Resignation [Effective Immediately]
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Dear Hyesung,

I received your written notice for your resignation due to your son’s worsening condition. I’m saddened to hear that but still hope that his health will improve despite the outlook.

Due to the complaint that’s been filed with HR, and the fact that we have not been able to converse as of yet regarding it, if you wish to pursue with your resignation, I will not go against it. It may even be the best option. A ‘clean break’ if you will.

From today, we will be suspending all your access to the company files and intranet, and will proceed with clearing out your desk. Once you are able, you may pick up your belongings at the HR department on the 3^rd floor. Any company-owned items you may have must be returned to us by the end of the month, else criminal charges will apply.

Rest assured you will still receive your pro-rated benefits. The amount of your separation pay and other outstanding credit, however, will still be subject to approval. We will contact you about this shortly.

All the best,
John Joseph Barr, Esq.
Managing Partner
Barr-Katz Law

--

Hyesung does what Eric wanted him to: he leaves, but only temporarily.

He goes back home to the house in Park Slope. He unlocks the doors and windows to let the air and sunlight in. He sorts the mail that’s piled up in the foyer. He vacuums the carpets. He puts week-old laundry in the washing machine. He takes a bite of an apple, then quickly throws it in the trash when it tastes like ash on his tongue. He takes a shower and changes into a fresh set of clothes. He packs a new bag to take back with him to the hospital, with clothes both for him and Junjin. He also packs Junjin’s favorite stuffed animal, a terry cloth chick that he’s kept since babyhood. A new war calls for renewed weapons.

He considers burning the shirt he’s been wearing for the past two days. In the end he just stuffs it into the garbage just before he takes the bags out.

He goes to bed but can’t sleep, and concentrates instead on the vintage molding on the ceiling.

He keeps his mind blank. He can’t afford to feel anything else.

--

(2) New Message(s)

From: Eric
He was extubated this morning and has been crying for you. I can’t get him to stop. He won’t stop. He’s going to hurt himself at this point.

Come and take care of him. I won’t say a word. Junjin wants only you.

--

Junjin is still crying when Hyesung rushes into his room, approximately eleven minutes since Eric sent him the message. He was already back in the building and had just been making his way up from the cafeteria with a coffee in hand when he had received it. The coffee went into the trash without a second thought; there was no way he’d be able to run upstairs with a full cup of hot liquid in his hand.

“Dad!” Junjin is simultaneously sobbing and gasping despite Eric’s and Dongwan’s ministrations. He holds his arms out as a silent plea to be carried the moment he sees Hyesung cross the threshold “Dad! Dad!”

It’s the most beautiful sound Hyesung has ever heard.

--

It takes for him crawling into bed with Junjin to get him to finally calm down. He lies on top of the covers as his son curls up against him, hiccupping against his rib cage, his fist clutching on to the front of his shirt.

“Dad, where were you? I was looking for you…I woke up…but you weren’t there.”

“I…” Hyesung can feel the weight of Eric’s stare on him as he speaks, but he ignores it. He isn’t sure if Junjin is asking him about the first time he’d left or this most recent incident, but decides on just painting broad . “I had to step out for a minute. I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

“That’s okay. Are you done with work now?”

“Yeah…pretty much.” He’ll think about the ramifications of his email to JJ later; he snuggles his son and kisses his head instead. It bothers him that Junjin’s hands are still cold, but he holds them in his own in an attempt to warm them. “Dad will be here with you from now on. Always. Until we get out of here.”

He doesn’t say specifics. He doesn’t know how to tell a six-year-old that he’s dying, even if it’s just a possibility.

Junjin nods sleepily against Hyesung’s chest. “That’s good, Dad. I like that.”

“Sweetheart.” Eric sidles up to the bed now on Junjin’s side, his attentions fully focused on the boy. His fingers ghost against their son’s face, as though afraid to break him. “How do you feel?”

“Purple…Seven. Or Eight.” Junjin whispers, pressing his face against Hyesung’s shirt. “I’m sorry, Papa. But it just really hurts.”

This time, Hyesung can’t help but look at Eric. Junjin has never given them that high of a pain indicator before.

“Isn’t there anything we can give him?” he asks, although he expects Eric to disagree with him as always. This time, however, Eric only nods and brooks no argument.

“I’ll talk to Dongwan and see what we can do.” He says, kissing Junjin’s forehead first before striding out the door.

--

“Temporary truce.” Eric says, once Junjin is finally asleep. Hyesung nods.

“Agreed.”

“Stay here. I don’t want him upset again because it may be more damaging than we think.”

“All right.”

“…Your mother also keeps calling. I haven’t answered them.”

Hyesung sighs. “She isn’t going to stop.”

“Have them come over.”

“What?”

“She wanted to come down anyway for Junjin’s birthday, right? We have to tell them the truth about him now. Before…” Eric stops, then presses his lips together. He hangs his head. “I can tell my parents. We can have all of them here tomorrow, after the scan.”

Something unspoken hangs in the air, but neither of them has the courage to say it. The words rise and die on Hyesung’s tongue. He can hardly breathe.

“I’ll call Umma now.” He says, forcing his mouth to keep moving long after his mind has stopped. “I’ll talk to her.”

Eric nods. “Great. I’ll call my folks. But...make sure they already know before they get here, okay? And...no crying. Please.”

Hyesung's breath hitches. “All right.”

“All right.” 

On the bed in the middle of the room, their son, the last light in their shared universe, sleeps on.

tbc

Author's Note:
The song is Roberta Flack's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"