Seventeen hours after surgery:

“So he’ll be all right, right?”

“Hyesung, we have to wait for the tests to come in first. And you were there when Dr. Lee told us. It’s not like I’ll tell you anything different.”

“I know, but in your…honest…medical opinion: how is he?”

“The tumor’s out. We just have to wait.”

“But…?”

“He looks fine. In my opinion. We just have to take it a day at a time.”

At the words, the breath he’s holding shudders loose.

“Okay. Okay.”

--

Twenty-three hours after the surgery, Hyesung is nursing a massive headache.

“It’s because you haven’t eaten.” Eric says, dropping a large brown paper bag, its bottom warm, onto Hyesung’s lap. He looms over him in a stance that may be perceived as intimidating by most, but is something that no longer fazes Hyesung. Knocked out of his bedside vigil stupor, he glares at the package on his lap, then at his glowering husband.

“What?”

“You haven’t eaten. At all. That’s why your head hurts. I can tell because you keep trying to massage it.”

He’s forgotten just how annoying Eric can be.

“Go away.” Hyesung glances at Junjin to make sure their ruckus isn’t rousing him from the sleep they’ve all worked hard to get him to slip into. Thankfully, their son doesn’t even stir, giving him a convenient excuse to rub at his temples while continuing to scowl at his husband.

“Water too.” Eric points out. “You haven’t really drunk anything.”

“Shh. Stop.” The very thought of food makes him want to hurl. He places the paper bag on the table at the end of the bed and hears as Eric tsks loudly beside him.

“Hyesung!”

“What?” Hyesung honestly doesn’t know what Eric can possibly want from him. It’s been a trying couple of days and he’s in dire need of a cigarette, but he hasn’t been able to find it within himself to leave Junjin for more than five minutes, even to shower. Food isn’t on his list of priorities at the moment. “Eric, shut up, I swear to God. It doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t need you in hospital too by the time this is over, so eat.” Eric has taken possession of the bag again and is unpacking it in front of him, placing the individual items on his lap: a pastrami sandwich, triple-wrapped in cling foil, a mini yogurt cup, and a small box of raisins. The appearance of actual food within reach is suddenly enough to make his stomach twinge in hunger, but Hyesung really doesn’t think he can deal with any of it right now.

“No.” he says, and attempts to remove the items. “…Hey!”

Eric suddenly has his hands on his shoulders, weighing him down and preventing him from moving.

“Do I have to ask Dongwan to send you out until you do?”

Hyesung stares at his husband, aghast. “Are you actually threatening to lock me out of our son’s hospital room?”

“Yes.” Eric says coolly. His look is calm but one that Hyesung has seen before. He narrows his eyes in annoyance.

“Would you like to repeat that with a side of Restraining Order and Sole Custody once we finalize the divorce?” he threatens back. It's dangerous ground where he's treading, but this time, Eric smirks.

“I’m the one with the medical degree between the two of us so we’ll see if your argument will even hold water in court. My wager is…it won’t.”

He is definitely not bluffing. Hyesung sinks back in the chair. His head is still throbbing.

“Fine.” He huffs. He scowls as Eric hands him an unopened bottle of water, then the sandwich.

“Drink first, then eat.” He pulls Hyesung out of the chair and pushes him away from the bed. “Go sit by the window and have a break. I’ll watch Junjin.”

“But…”

But Eric has already commandeered the area, fixing the covers and checking the dressing on Junjin's side and doing everything Hyesung is too exhausted to deal with at the moment.

Go, Eric mouths, waving him off. Scowling, Hyesung sits hunched on the window seat, keeping his eyes on his husband and son several meters away. He keeps them in his sights as he sips on the water, then as he peels the cling wrap off of the sandwich. He eats and drinks quickly, ready to leap to his feet in case Junjin wakes or cries…

By the time he’s done, Junjin is still asleep and Eric looks at him with a smug smile. The process took no more than seven minutes, but the change in his mood is apparent. He walks back to the bed, feeling lighter on his feet.

“Feel better?” Eric asks as they trade places. Hyesung frowns, unwilling to give his husband the satisfaction that yes, his headache has indeed vanished.

“I told you.”

“Shut up.”

--

(1) New Message

From: Kangta
Hope you’ve eaten? You get cranky when you’re hungry.

--

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2)

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 9AM – 2^nd Appointment

 

Personal Notes:

Appointment with pt 38-hr post-op. Pt in high spirits. Tried pain index again and pt described it as ‘Yellow-Green Six’ (fascinating). Fr2 indicated pt is pleased but probably in a little pain, which is to be expected. Opioids still being administered via IV.

Pt was finishing breakfast (oatmeal) with assistance from Fr2. Fr1 present but on call with residents. Nurse Dongwan on earlier shift today and explained pt must be made to sit up and attempt to ambulate, as well as cough. Pt upset because of surgical pain and afraid movement will rip stitches. Explained ambulation necessary so we can go to the playroom! Pt seemed to cheer up with this.

Fr1 ended call to assist pt in sitting up. Lots of crying. Attempted to soothe patient with encouragement and clapping. Fr2 equally upset with exercise and threatened Fr1 with lawsuit (?!) if he did not make pt lie down again. Fr1 strict (!!) and provided support for pt so he could sit up then dangle feet out of bed. Pt no longer crying (challenged by Fr1?). Fr2 still upset.

Fr1 asked pt if he could try to make it to chair set a meter away. Asked me if I could put a ‘prize’. Put myself. 😊 Sat on chair and clapped for pt to approach. Pt a bit wobbly even with IV but managed to make it to chair. Bit of dizziness reported, but pt seemed happy with own efforts. Pain still at ‘Yellow-Green Six’. Dr Andy Lee also did rounds and clapped for pt. Pt very pleased. Fr2 v worried but also happy/relieved. Fr1 also satisfied. No more mention of lawsuit.

Promised trip to playroom if pt feels well tomorrow. Pt seems excited. Left new puzzle for pt and family to build. May release stress for parents as well. Will check tomorrow for updates.

--

Forty hours after the surgery. Hyesung and Junjin are doing a 3D puzzle in bed. It’s the new one that Minwoo brought in that morning and is supposed to form a wooden model of a Great White shark. Hyesung is holding the instructions with one hand as he also sneaks glances at Eric, who’s on the phone with his residents once more on the other side of the room.

“Is he not done yet?” Hyesung mutters as he releases a frustrated sigh.

“It’s okay, Dad. Papa will come.” Junjin says. He’s commandeered the three wood sheets the puzzle comes as and is taking his time punching out the pieces. Despite still being attached to various tubes and the obvious presence of a nasal cannula, Junjin now looks startlingly normal, and is moving much more fluidly. It seems the exercises they did a while ago have helped him regain his confidence. Hyesung is attempting not to feel to ecstatic.

“Yeah, but he said he won’t take calls just for an hour so we can build this thing…” His irritation is creeping upward, and so he hisses: “Eric!” but Eric only holds his palm up, the universal sign for Just a minute. His temper flares, but it also cools quicker than he expects.

“Dad.” Junjin tugs at his arm imploringly. Their son’s only goal obviously is just to get the puzzle built. “Could you help me with this please? I really wanna see the shark….”

Hyesung tears his eyes away from his husband and concentrates on the task at hand. He takes the wooden sheets and helps Junjin in forcing the pieces out of the frames. Pop! Pop! Pop! It’s an effective stress-reliever.

They’re already starting on forming the shark’s basic structure when there’s suddenly movement from the other side of the room and Eric appears, his eyes and mouth wide at the exposed puzzle on the table.

“Hey! I told you guys to wait for me!” Eric pouts and crosses his arms as he sits on Junjin’s bed. “That’s not fair.”

“It’s perfectly fair.” Hyesung says, his fingers nimble as they continue to build up the shark’s vertebrae. His eyes move from the instruction sheet on his lap to the puzzle. “You said you’d halt calls for an hour. You didn’t, so we’ve started building it.”

“Yeah, Papa.” Junjin is gently bouncing in place, excited. “And look! Dad is so good at it!”

“You feeling ok now then, love?” Eric is smiling at their son. He smooths down Junjin’s hair and caresses his cheek fondly. “You feeling good?”

“Yeah.” Junjin nods, eyes busy staring at Hyesung’s hands. He points at the next piece, lying by the unopened water bottle. “Dad, there!”

“You know I really can’t escape calls from the hospital that easily so I’m sorry…aww, Hyesung! Don’t finish it!”

Hyesung is startled as the nearly-finished shark suddenly vanishes from his grip. “HEY!” He looks up and sees Eric quickly dismantling it piece by piece. “Eric! Give it back!”

“PAPA!” Junjin laughs. “No! Stop!”

“I’ll redo it for you, don’t worry, Jin.” Eric says as he extricates another piece and places it in a pile. Hyesung makes to grab the shark back but ends up splintering the structure even further.

“Hyesung!” Eric exclaims, although the quirk in his lips means he’s trying very hard not to laugh. “Look what you’ve done!”

“Look what you’ve done!” Hyesung is irritated but not entirely. In his hands he’s holding at least half the number of pieces while Eric has another pile, and the rest have scattered all over the sheets. “You murdered it!”

“That’s obviously not true.”

“You’re such a sore loser—forget it, you build that thing. Without the instruction sheet.”

“Don’t mind if I do…wait! NO! Hyesung!” Eric shouts as Hyesung tears the instructions into pieces, promptly throwing the remains into the nearby wastepaper basket without a second thought. Junjin laughs at their antics, cautious at first before his giggling bursts into fearless crescendos, the bright sound echoing in the small sterile room like the sound of bubbling, gushing water. The sound of life.

--

This is how they become a family:

A colicky three-day old baby and two very anxious adults: one due to lack of sleep and the other due to lack of experience. A small apartment in Brooklyn crammed with books. A broken air-conditioner in the middle of summer.

Leave the baby alone a bit, he’ll be fine, Hyesung.

No, but—

You have to let him cry sometimes. You can’t pick him up each time he’s crying.

But…that’s just cruel.

No, it’s parenting. Come back to bed.

I’ll just carry him one last time and stand by the window where it’s cooler. If it doesn’t work, then I’ll put him back and let him cry it out.

Fine, suit yourself.

Oh, he’s stopped crying…but Eric. Look! He’s smiling. His first smile!

A scuffle and a thump. Then Eric is right beside Hyesung with a camera ready. They stand cheek-to-cheek, admiring the tiny child in Hyesung’s arms. Father. Father. Son. Love and life and light personified.

Isn’t he the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

--

(2) New Message(s)

From: Kangta
How is Junjin? I think about you guys a lot. I hope he’s doing better.

Can I drop by? I can bring him some presents.

--

Sixty-two hours after the surgery, Minwoo keeps his promise about the playroom.

Hyesung watches nervously as Minwoo, Dongwan, and Eric ask Junjin to sit, stand, and walk to assess whether or not he can make the short trip to the playroom at the end of the hall. He’s worried because Junjin is stubborn, if not equally determined as his father, and Hyesung can see as he’s using all his efforts to not sway or wobble after getting on his feet.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to push it, okay?” he calls out, tapping his thumb against his mouth.

“I’m okay, Dad.” Junjin says, smiling as he concentrates on taking a step forward, using the IV as a crutch. Then another. Then another. He picks up speed as he walks towards Minwoo, who is waiting with his arms open by the window seat.

“Awesome!” Minwoo cheers, his eyes disappearing as he smiles. “You did so well! Atta boy!” He gives Junjin a gentle hug, careful of all the IV lines, as Dongwan also approaches and does a quick vitals check.

“You seem to be doing very well today.” Dongwan says, acknowledging the proud smirk Junjin has on his face. The expression is so similar to Eric’s that Hyesung has to momentarily roll his eyes. “If you really are feeling up to it, you can go with pesky Minwoo to the playroom.”

“Pesky!” Minwoo clutches his chest exaggeratedly, which makes Dongwan snort. “I’m insulted.”

“Yes please.” Junjin says, nodding. He’s already clutching onto Minwoo’s hand and tugging on it furtively. “Pleeease.”

“Dr. Mun?” Dongwan eyes Eric, who’s been standing silently, watching the whole exercise. “Do we have your approval?”

“Papa! Please, Papa, please.” Junjin clasps his hands together in a praying position and Hyesung nearly laughs. Where did he learn that?! “I’m Yellow Green today. Like yesterday. Please, Papa.”

Eric kneels so he can be at Junjin’s level and inspects him closely. “No pain, Junjin? Dizziness?”

“Just a little bit, Papa. A little bit. But it’s okay. I’m okay.”

Hyesung bites his lip, but seconds later, Eric gives his approval too, although he does it with much wariness.

“He needs to stand and walk around if he can.” Eric says, almost apologetically to Hyesung, even if he doesn’t ask. “It’s to prevent pneumonia.”

Hyesung raises an eyebrow at him. “I wasn’t threatening you with another lawsuit.”

Eric shrugs. “Just in case.”

“You can come along too, Dr. Mun and Mr. Shin. In fact, we encourage for families to join in with the kids. We believe it helps the guardians and parents as well.” Minwoo says amiably, cutting through the building tension in the air. Hyesung surprises himself when he agrees just after the offer is said, but is even more startled when Eric does so at the same time. They glance at each other, dumbstruck and annoyed. Minwoo grins.

“Junjin and I will lead the way then, and you guys can follow. It may take us a bit of time, but we’ll get there!” The Child Life Specialist seems to have an unending source of happiness and energy, like a human sun, and it’s admittedly quite contagious. Junjin claps and cheers as Dongwan double-checks that his lines are clear. As they ready themselves to proceed out of the room, Eric sidles up to Hyesung close enough to take his hand. He doesn’t, but he’s near enough that Hyesung can feel his warmth and for once in many months, he doesn’t want to push him away.

--

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2)

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 9AM – 3^rd Appointment

 

Personal Notes:
62-hr post-op appointment with pt. Pt feeling much better, but still at ‘Yellow-Green Six’. Wore neon-yellow shoes today to work and asked pt if that’s how he was feeling. Pt said yes, in his heart, but still feels pain in surgical area. (Yellow = happy? Neon yellow = super happy? Hmm). Opioids still in effect.

Did sitting, standing, and walking exercises with pt. Pt is athletic child (also competitive?) so endured exercises quite bravely. Fr1 assisted again while Fr2 observed from corner. Both fathers more cooperative today, although understandably anxious. Lawsuit mention again, but was limited to jokes. 😊

Pt was well enough to ambulate towards playroom. Was accompanied by parents. Did puppet play therapy in playroom and managed to convince parents to contribute. Parents played as themselves so puppets kept squabbling about eating and sleeping habits (??) and working too much (lol). Pt was very amused by it and kept smiling and giggling. 😊 Session lasted twenty minutes. Pt ambulated back to room with minimal assistance and slept right away.

Fr2’s phone kept going off during session but was ignored. Equally, Fr1’s phone also kept ringing but was answered as it was from work. This seems a normal occurrence. Both parents seem more relaxed around each other although both look fatigued. Both still prone to squabbling, but not as intense as before.

Shark puzzle also completed (albeit with missing parts??) and was observed to be sitting on pt’s bedside table. Parents said all three of them completed it last night. Hehe. Progress?

--

(1) Missed Call from Umma

(1) New Message

From: Umma
Hyesungie, I just called your landline and your housekeeper said no one has been home the past couple of days. What’s going on? Are you all right?

--

“Who keeps calling you and why won’t you pick up?”

“Umma. The office. I’m just not in the mood to pick up, okay?”

--

(3) Missed Calls from Kangta

--

An accident uptown involving a six-car pileup shakes both Hyesung and Eric awake from a rare slumber early in the morning. Hyesung is still blearily blinking against blue morning light as he watches Eric rush around the room to get dressed.

“I’m needed for surgery in Sinai. You can handle things for today, right?”

It isn’t really a question; more of a command that Hyesung chooses not to nitpick over.

“Of course.”

Junjin is still asleep so Eric does a quick check over vitals before brushing a kiss over their son’s forehead.

“He seems to be doing fine. Call me if anything happens, okay? Please, Hyesung.”

“Yes.” Hyesung is almost insulted at the implication that he perhaps won’t. “I will.”

“Okay.” Eric lingers in the doorway a bit, his tongue stalled. “Hyesung.” He finally says, and Hyesung looks up, confused.

“What?”

There’s a different kind of silence between them now. Perhaps it’s the early morning, or the hazy sleepiness, or the fact that neither of them has eaten or slept well ever since setting foot in the hospital. But there is familiar comfort in the pause, of some things having slotted back to where they once were despite everything else having been irrevocably changed.

I love you both, is a thought that comes to Hyesung in the quiet, but he isn’t sure if it’s him saying it or if it’s something that he wants said. At any rate, nothing comes, and he’s left to stare at Eric in the half-darkness.

“Go already, Eric. Stop wasting so much time,” he says instead, his tongue traitorous as usual. “We’ll still be here when you get back.”

The silence shattered, Eric nods and squares his shoulders, readying to leave.

“Okay. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

He’s gone before Hyesung can even attempt to ask him to stay even just a little bit longer, even though he doesn’t really understand why he would.

--

(2) Missed Calls from Kangta

--

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2) – Only Fr2 present

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 9AM – 4^th Appointment

 

Personal Notes:
4^th session with pt post-op, only 1 parent present. Fr2 explained Fr1 has to deal with emergency at Mt Sinai (news this morning indicated major car accident near Harlem) and will be back ASAP. Pt doesn’t seem to have issues with it as he says it happens all the time and ‘Papa always comes back’. Pain today is at Orange-Grey Five (?). Fr2 says that’s never been used before, but pt still in high spirits. Will continue to observe.

Did in-room therapy with clay with pt to relieve anxiety after being in the hospital for a while. Fr2 also joined in session but was distracted as phone kept ringing. Again did not pick up. Pt made clay family complete with dog. Fr2 made a rabbit.

Pt fell asleep mid-session. Volunteered to sit with pt while Fr2 took a much-needed bathroom break. Fr2 left phone on window seat. Calls kept coming through.

Explained to Fr2 that next session will likely be in the afternoon tomorrow. Fr2 agreed. Says pt remains in high spirits and hopes it stays that way. Pathology results still pending, due on Friday, August 11.

--

(5) Missed Calls from Kangta

(6) New Message(s)

From: Kangta
Are we back to doing this again? I’ll wait for you, you know. I don’t mind.

Would it really be so wrong to visit? Just tell me.

Did Eric make a fuss about it? He does know you guys are getting divorced, right?

Do you want me to add in some provisions to the settlement papers? I know you left it in your office.

From: Eric
Accident much bigger than expected so doing multiple surgeries. Will probably be back tomorrow. Sorry.

Don’t forget to eat. Let Junjin get out of bed and walk to the bathroom if he’s up to it. Drink water. Have him cough a bit. Good night to you both. I’ll see you tomorrow.

--

Hyesung showers early after another sleepless night. When Junjin wakes, he helps feed him breakfast then guides him to the bathroom to use the toilet. Junjin is quiet and moving a touch slower than usual, but it isn’t all that strange given that it’s not even 9 in the morning yet.

“You all right, sweetheart?” Hyesung asks as he helps Junjin back to bed. He had supported his son by the elbow, the same way he had seen Eric do it before, and had noticed the boy had put considerable weight against him. “Does anything hurt?”

“I’m Yellow-Green today. Yellow-Green Five. Or Six. I’m not really sure.”

From previous experience, Green is a good color. Hyesung nods.

“Six means ouchies? In the same place?” He gestures to his chest.

“Yeah. But it’s okay, Dad.”

“Are you dizzy?”

“Just a little bit. It’s not like…whoa.” Junjin makes his eyes bug out for effect, his fingers spread wide for both hands.

“Hm.” Hyesung is thoughtful, but considers that major surgery is something that will never actually be free of postoperative aches and pains. He scrutinizes Junjin’s face and feels his forehead for any signs of fever. There is none. Nothing else seems to be amiss either.

“Papa’s not back yet?” Junjin asks, peering at the rest of the room. “His stuff isn’t here.”

“Papa has to stay at work. He says he’ll be back here later.”

Junjin nods with the confidence of someone whose parents have never broken a promise to their child. “Okay,” he says, unaffected. “Will I see Minwoo today?”

“Later in the afternoon.” Hyesung tells him. “But Papa also wanted me to make sure you cough enough this morning.”

His son’s expression falls, and there’s a momentary wince that crosses his features. “It hurts, Dad.”

“I know, but you’d need to do it, sweetheart. We don’t want you getting sicker.”

“Awww…”

But Hyesung is having none of it. He can be a pushover if Eric is there to balance him out, but without his husband, he has to ensure his son do his part in the treatment plan, no matter how painful. He leans forward and holds Junjin’s small hands in his.

“I’ll do it with you, okay? Coughing and deep breathing, like how Papa and Minwoo taught you. C’mon, Junjin, on the count of three. You can do it…”

--

(2) Missed Calls from Kangta

(2) New Message(s)

From: Kangta
Hyesung. I’ve seen the divorce papers in your files.

It looks like a joke though? Joint custody of child, shared properties, etc. Are you really divorcing this guy or are we just going out for a spin or what?

--

“Mr. Shin?” Dongwan’s voice startles him just as he finishes fishing for his wallet, lost somewhere in the pile of random things he and Eric have taken to dumping in the wardrobe drawer. He turns and finds the nurse looking at him curiously, having just entered the room. Dongwan takes in his clean shirt, cap, and the jeans that he’s put on for the first time in days and that are now alarmingly loose on his waist, with a careful eye. “Are you going somewhere?”

“Yes.” Hyesung answers bluntly, although every aspect of his decision pains him. “I have to take care of something important and I won’t be long.”

Junjin is asleep, and has been so for the past hour. Hyesung surmises he has 1.5 hours, 3 at the most, to wrap up loose ends before Junjin wakes. Under normal circumstances he would never, of course, leave his son alone at the hospital, but this is a special case, and he figures a personal visit is worth it to finish the job.

“Will you be nearby?” Dongwan looks concerned. “The hospital does allow for children to not be with a guardian, but not for long.”

“I need to fetch something from my office. It’s three blocks away.” Hyesung says, and hopes this is enough of an excuse. Part of him hopes Dongwan denies him the opportunity but the task would still be left to be accomplished another day, and he isn’t sure he will have another clear chance.

“May we get your cell phone number again, please?” Dongwan hands him a piece of paper and a pen. “In case we need it for emergencies.”

Oh this is an emergency if I ever saw one, all right, he thinks, but Hyesung gives his number nonetheless. After it, he hurries to head out the door before sanity claims him again and he back out of doing it entirely. He skips on kissing Junjin goodbye in case the boy wakes and fully diminishes his will to leave.

“I’ll be right back, I promise.” He tells Dongwan. “I’ll be here even before Minwoo comes for the next session.”

The nurse nods, already starting on his routine check on Junjin. “What should I tell Junjin if he wakes up?”

“Tell him Dad just has to fix something at the office. He knows where that is. I’ll try to get back even before he wakes.”

“All right, Mr. Shin. We’ll call you if anything comes up.”

“Thanks.”

Hyesung turns and leaves without looking back, knowing that if he does, he might not be able to leave at all.

--

“Meet me at the Taverna. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“Good afternoon to you too, Hyesung. To what do I owe your undivided attention?”

“No games. We need to talk.”

“I knew mentioning those papers would be the only thing—”

“Kangta.”

“All right. Taverna. I’ll wait for you there.”

--

The Taverna is a small dingy bar even further west from the law firm, and is something any self-respecting salaryman wouldn’t be caught dead in, more so two senior lawyers from a high-profile firm. It’s the only place Hyesung will consider meeting Kangta in in broad daylight, especially given the topic of conversation.

“You look like hell.” Kangta stirs sugar into coffee poured into a chipped mug. His face is all sharp angles in the shadows, highlighting his roguish features. They’re sitting in one of the booths tucked away in the back, shrouded from view. Although Kangta’s expensive suit contrasts sharply with the cracked seats and greasy glass tabletops, his easygoing nonchalance makes him seem more at home in this particular setting than in the fancier Upper East Side bars which most of the firm lawyers prefer. “Smoke?”

He offers Hyesung a cigarette and, to his own surprise, Hyesung declines. Kangta shrugs and lights one for himself, puffing out one huge blue cloud after another. He reaches for Hyesung’s coffee mug to put sugar in but Hyesung covers the top of it with his hand. The action seems to confuse Kangta but he stops before finally retracting his arm.

“Have you slept at all?” he asks, pretending like the last few seconds didn’t happen. “How’s Junj—”

“Stop.”

“Stop what? Is Junjin going to be okay?”

“Stop.” Hyesung lifts his eyes to meet Kangta’s, now wide with genuine surprise. “Don’t ask about my son.”

“Why? Hyesung, is everything—”

This time, Hyesung bangs on the tabletop with his palm, hard enough to make the salt and pepper shakers clatter. Kangta’s mouth slams shut. Although he had used enough force on the table, Hyesung remains eerily calm.

“I said stop, didn’t I?”

Kangta raises his hands in mock surrender. His face reflects equal amounts of hurt and confusion. “Jesus Christ, okay. No need to get your in a tangle.”

in a tangle. Vulgarity is typical among lawyers, and functions as a survival tactic and basic defense mechanism. Kangta has never spoken to him in this way before, and his desperation hits Hyesung like a dissonant chord in a song. He realizes that Eric, for all his faults, has never spoken to him this way before, even in their darkest moments, and at this rate probably never would. He meets Kangta’s eyes again, clear on the agenda he has set out to do.

“We stop here.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not having an…affair…while my child is in hospital.” The syllables of the word taste like rusted metal on his tongue. Simultaneous waves of shame and self-disgust rise and crash over him as he realizes just what he’s done at the expense of his marriage and his family. But he stands firm now with his decision. “This is wrong and you know it.”

“What?” Kangta stubs his cigarette out directly on the table. His face has gone an alarming shade of red. “Affair? May I remind you that you were the one who always said YES every time I asked. You were perfectly willing to ruin your own marriage, so don’t put this on me.”

“You’re right.” There is no lie in Kangta’s words. Hyesung will never deny it. “But I’m ending what I’ve started. You have no obligations to me. You can even push back on the cases I asked you for your help for. You don’t owe me anything…but we are stopping this.”

“Hyesung!”

“From now on you are not allowed to call or message me on anything apart from professional matters. No mention of my family or my personal matters or I’m taking you to court.”

Kangta splutters. “Is this because of Eric? You’re divorcing him already, aren’t you?!”

“That is none of your ing business.” His phone is buzzing somewhere deep in the pocket of his jeans but he ignores it, knowing that if he loses to Kangta now he will regret it for the rest of his life.

“But you don’t love him!”

“I don’t love you!” Hyesung shouts back, and when he does, the words seem to split a part of him open, flung out and freed, careening upwards towards the summer-blue sky. What’s left behind is the heavy stone of truth among the splinters of their marriage, ruined by him and him alone.

Oh God. What has he done?

Kangta sits in terse silence for a moment, eyes wide as he stares at Hyesung and his heaving chest. He stands. Hyesung remains rooted to his spot, deafened by the sound of his own heartbeat pulsing in his ears.

“I’m done.” Kangta says, throwing in the last word before turning on his heel and stalking out, leaving Hyesung amidst the mess of spilled coffee and burnt glass.

His phone is still ringing.

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(3) Missed Calls from +212-639-2000

(1) New Message

From: +646-284-1359
Mr. Shin, this is Minwoo Lee from MSK. We’ve been trying to reach you but have not been able to do so. There’s been an emergency concerning your son. Please come ASAP. Your husband is already here.

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(7) Missed Calls from Eric

tbc