Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2)

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 3:30PM – 6^th Appointment

 

Personal Notes:

Was informed pt has likely transitioned from stage 2 to stage 4. ☹☹☹ I hate it when this happens. But this is where CLS’s are needed the most.

Met with pt for session after getting doc approval. Pt now off the ventilator and has just returned from MIBG scan. Parents now both present (!!! – although both are moving to avoid each other…I don’t care. I’m just glad they’re finally here). Both parents also very attentive to pt. Pt described pain as Red Seven. ☹ Painkillers already being administered via IV.

Pt today was drowsy from sedatives from scan but was smiling upon my appearance. ♥ Pt also had family had over: 2 sets of grandparents!!! They were having a mini-party and had brought food!! 😊 Smelled just like my own grandmother’s house!

GP1 and GM1 introduced as Fr1’s parents; GP2 and GM2 were Fr2’s. Grandparents were all flocking around pt and telling him funny stories and what they will be doing when pt gets better. Was about to leave but grandparents made me stay and eat. Learned that pt loves baseball and pirates and ice cream. Fr2 had also asked GP2 and GM2 to bring over a Lego pirate ship that they hadn’t finished building, so pt was quite eager to get that built. Asked me to help him build it. 😊 Had to give up after 3 mins though bec we dropped a piece in the kimchi jiggae. Oops.

Pt was smiling the entire time but found it too painful to laugh. Grandparents prob knew of diagnosis as GM1 and GM2 were blowing noses quite loudly in bathroom in turns. Parents were quiet but constantly attended to pt’s every need. Eventually pt fell asleep and adults started discussing among themselves. Excused myself to give them privacy.

Will determine next course of action once MIBG results come in.

--

(8) New Message(s)

From: Umma

Hyesungie. I know you told me not to cry. I tried not to at the hospital. I really did.

Appa and I got back to Westchester already. I’m crying now. I know you said not to call so I’m just going to send you these messages. No need to reply.

But oh. Hyesungie. I’m so sorry.

I feel so sad and angry. This is so unfair. I can’t imagine how you and Eric must feel. Eric as a doctor too! It’s so terrible.

Appa and I are willing to help you out in any way. Just say the word.

I hope it’s ok we brought too that picture from the house to put in the hospital room. I saw it when we were leaving after we got the Lego and it brought back so many fond memories, I had to bring it.

Junjin is strong. He can beat this. Tell him every day you love him, and that we love him too. You and Eric are the best parents. You both are the strongest people I know.

We love you. We will be here for all three of you. Good night, son. Get some sleep. Let us know of the results tomorrow.

--

Dr. Lee sits behind his desk, clicking his pen as he quickly goes through Junjin’s MIBG scan results. Both Eric and Hyesung sit on the chairs opposite his, waiting with nearly palpable worry; Eric is staring at the clipboard in the doctor’s hands while visibly restraining himself from snatching it, while Hyesung is digging his fingers into his legs. Despite their practiced professions, neither of them has ever had a superb sense of self-control or patience especially when it comes to important matters concerning their son.

One flick. Two flicks. A nearly imperceptible sigh. Then another click as Dr. Lee flicks the pen closed. He’s finished. He places the clipboard on the desk, with the scan results facing outward towards the two fathers.

“Based on the results, the cancer has definitely metastasized.” He points at the images with his pen, pinpointing grayish blobs that are superimposed on top of the organs. “It’s spread to his lymph nodes, the left side of his lungs, his heart, and his liver. From the looks of it, it’s quite an aggressive type…” He pauses then looks up. “I’m sorry.”

“What are the options?” Eric asks. He’s gone white as a sheet. Hyesung feels sick himself looking at the images and seeing exactly what it is that’s chained their child to a hospital bed. This can’t be ing real.

“Dr. Mun…” Dr. Lee starts to say, but Eric bangs his palm against the desk, making even Hyesung jump.

“Options.” He repeats, fiercer this time.

“We have a variety of options, of course.” Dr. Lee clasps his hands on the desk. “Chemotherapy, radiation, immunotherapy, high-dose chemotherapy with stem cell transplant, and iodine 131 MIBG therapy. There are also clinical trials ongoing here at MSK.”

“And your opinion of the best one would be?”

“Given that we’re running against time, my professional opinion would be leaning towards high-dose chemotherapy with stem cell transplant. However, it’s still quite experimental and expensive—”

“Money is no object.” Hyesung repeats what he had told Dr. Lee just a week prior, at the start of all of this. It already feels like several lifetimes ago. “I believe I had wanted to make that clear since the beginning.”

Dr. Lee nods. “Yes, of course. Since we would no longer have to worry about that, it would be really up to you to decide what treatment plan to take. But high-dose chemotherapy with stem cell transplant may buy us more time than the others.”

“Yes.” Eric is breathing heavily. “But it carries far greater risks too.”

“Like what?” Hyesung asks. He has no idea what this treatment would entail apart from it potentially saving their child.

“It’s basically a stronger dose of chemo, but since chemo itself damages the bone marrow, we’d also need to replenish the bone marrow cells via a stem cell transplant.” Eric explains. “It will be very taxing for Junjin, and that’s putting it lightly.”

“And the others?”

Dr. Lee taps his finger on the clipboard once more, calling their attention back to the images showcasing the jigsaw puzzle of disease that has infiltrated their son. “The cancer is far too aggressive. The other treatments will require more time which we don’t have a lot of. But again…” he clasps his hands, “it’s entirely your choice what treatment plan we would use.”

Hyesung looks at Eric, who in turn is staring at the doctor. His face is rigid, as though he’s carved out of stone.

“Maybe we…is it even…” he doesn’t finish his sentences, as though not trusting himself to speak any further, but Hyesung knows. He knows exactly the thought in Eric’s mind, and he will not allow it.

“NO, you CAN’T.” Hyesung says, pushing Eric on the chest and provoking him to look at him. “Eric!”

“Hyesung, he’s six!” the other man at least has enough shame to look guilty. “This treatment will leave him in unbearable pain and it’s a shot in the dark—”

“It may also save his life! Eric. I don’t know what you know about any of these, but we can’t give up on Junjin this early in the game. We owe it to him to try.”

“I’m not giving up on him but I don’t want…” Eric holds his head in his hands, unable to continue. Hyesung is trembling in anger, unable to decide whether or not he should throttle the man in front of him on the spot. 

“It’s not entirely hopeless yet, Dr. Mun.” Dr. Lee speaks in a hushed tone. He extends his hand across the desk and flips the clipboard over to hide the images. “We never know in these cases, but it’s always worth it to try.”

We don’t have a choice. Hyesung wants to say. This isn’t our marriage. This isn’t a divorce. The only choice we would ever have involving Junjin’s life is to preserve it at any cost.

“Eric.” He says instead. “This is our only child.” His breath shudders as he breathes the last word: “Please.”

Eric sniffles in reply, his head still in his hands.

“All right,” he finally says, his voice weighted. Behind the desk, Dr. Lee gives a definitive nod.

“We’ll start tomorrow then. I’ll get it arranged and give you some paperwork to look through first. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

--

Junjin is just stirring awake when they get back to the room, and Hyesung is alerted at the sound of the first whimper. Shaking off the fear that hangs over him and Eric like a death shroud, he squares his shoulders and hastens his stride, quick to get to their son’s bedside.

“Hi, kiddo.” Hyesung forces himself to smile despite his growing heartache, putting on his best one in the hopes that Junjin wouldn’t see through it for once. “How are you feeling today?”

“Orange…Seven.” Junjin says after a moment’s pause. “But Daddy…” he whispers, fingers pressing against his chest. “It hurts.”

His son hasn’t called him ‘Daddy’ since he was four years old and, for a moment, Hyesung is rendered speechless.

“Scoot over.” He says once he finds his voice, toeing off his shoes and crawling into the space beside Junjin. He scoops up his son, feeling his chest tighten as the boy whimpers at the movement. “I’m sorry, Jin…It hurts a lot huh?”

“It’s okay, Dad.” Junjin says, nuzzling against Hyesung. “I like it when you’re here.”

“What about we watch some TV huh?” He tries to remember what Minwoo had told them about non-pharmacological pain management.  Distract, distract, distract. He reaches for the remote control on the bedside table and turns on the TV. It lands on a Star Wars special. “Okay, this is a good one. You’ll like this...”

“Dad?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Am I dying?”

The room buzzes with a thick, uncomfortable silence. Each second is a heartbeat and each heartbeat like a knife stab that cleaves through Hyesung’s ribs.

“What makes you say that?”

“They already got the bad stuff out but we’re still here and they keep doing tests…” Junjin rubs the end of his nose. “Plus, you and Papa always look mad or sad.”

There’s an ongoing battle scene and the TV screen is streaked blue and orange as X-Wing fighters battle against the ships of the First Order. Hyesung glances towards Eric for some semblance of support because goddammit what do I say but Eric is by the window and facing towards the park, speaking in hushed tones into his phone. ing great.

He doesn’t want to lie to his son, so he chooses the long road to the truth.

“You’re very sick,” he says at last. “That’s why you feel so bad. You’re sick with something that’s very hard to beat, so we’re going to have to give you stronger medicine starting tomorrow.”

Junjin’s eyes are glued to the screen. The First Order have pretty much decimated the Rebel Alliance and a silent explosion blooms across the expansive space backdrop. “Oh,” he says, almost sounding unimpressed. “Hard to beat…like those guys?”

Hyesung wishes there would have been another metaphor for cancer apart from Kylo Ren and his merry band of death metal-looking squadmates, but he will take whatever he can get. “Yes. But remember how this story goes? The good guys win in the end.”

“Yeah but…it’ll hurt a lot though, right?”

Kylo Ren is marching through a sterile-looking ship, black against white, his boots clacking loudly on the interior. He creates havoc with little movement. Destruction follows in his path.

“Yes.” Hyesung breathes. He tightens his hold on his son. It scares him how easy it is to fit Junjin in his hold now when two weeks ago he could barely get his son to sit still, let alone hold him in his arms. He’s six, he’s six, oh my God, he’s only six. “Yes, but it’ll be better soon after.”

Eric has ended his call. He’s now standing sentry near the foot of the bed with his arms crossed, watching Junjin, his eyes distant. He says nothing.

“Are you scared?” Hyesung asks, at a complete loss now at how to address this uncertain future they’re facing. To his surprise, Junjin shakes his head.

“You have to be brave, Dad.” Junjin says. He places his hand on Hyesung’s, cold where Hyesung’s is warm. “I won’t be scared if you are. Remember?”

“I am. I am.”

If Junjin can tell that he’s lying, he doesn’t say it.

--

(1) New Message

From: Umma

Oh Hyesung.

--

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6 / M
AP: Dr. Andy Lee
Dx: Neuroblastoma s/p Lobectomy ( R )

Alert and oriented
Vital signs noted
B/P 110/80, RR 18, HR 90, T 36.50
O2 sats 95%
On soft diet
Non-productive cough noted
Complaints surgical pain, 5-6 pain index
IV infusing at 60ml/hr
PICC line above the bend of the elbow without redness or swelling
Blood tests results noted

1^st session of IV high-dose chemotherapy started
Combination of:
Cyclophosphamide 15mg/kg
Doxorubicin 75mg/m2
Vital signs noted
B/P 120/80, RR 19, HR 88, T 36.50
O2 sats 95%
No complaints noted
G-CSF started
Advised guardian to report to NOD if pt show signs of side effects


Signed: Dongwan Kim
Shift: 10:00 (12hr)

­--

Hyesung wakes on the window seat and nearly panics when he realizes Junjin isn’t in the room.

“He’s in chemo right now.” Dongwan says after he’s rushed to the nurse’s station to ask the whereabouts of his son. “We moved him there at the appointed time. You were asleep so we didn’t wake you anymore.”

“Ah.” Hyesung says, rubbing his face in an effort to clear his sleep-deprived brain. Last night had been spent by him poring over hundreds of medical articles online and taking down notes on recurrent neuroblastoma, high-dose chemotherapy, and its ilk. Worrying about life and death is apparently a great study aid.

“I said I’d be there with him,” he groans, checking his watch. Before Junjin had gone for his session he had said he just wanted to take a nap for five minutes; it’s already been nearly two hours. “Damn it.”

“He’ll be back by 2PM, don’t worry. That’s a few minutes from now.” Dongwan smiles at him. “He’s in good hands. You can sleep a bit more, Hyesung.”

Hyesung almost smiles; he hasn’t felt this sleepless since law school, but his struggles then seem laughable compared to what he’s facing now…

Wait.

“Dongwan…have you seen Eric?”

Eric had been there before he had fallen asleep, although he had once more been on his phone. He had also been there last night by Junjin’s bedside as Hyesung had subjected himself to a crash course about pediatric cancer, but he’d been silent the entire time, watching over their son like an overgrown totem.

“Dr. Mun?” Dongwan doesn’t look up from his typing. “He left the room when we took Junjin to the chemo session. He said he had a phone call with Mt. Sinai and that he’d be back.”

“He isn’t with Junjin now?”

“Not when I last checked, no. That was…ten minutes ago?”

Hyesung checks his own phone. No messages from Eric. Huh.

“Why, is he missing?” Dongwan looks up now, looking slightly worried. “I can call him for you if you’d like—”

“No no, it’s okay.” Hyesung raises his hands in protest. “It’s fine. He’s probably…just stepped out to get some air.”

“He should be back soon, don’t worry.” Dongwan reassures him before returning to his reports, but it’s empty comfort. There’s an unpleasant churning in Hyesung’s stomach that he fights to ignore. Something glaring and adamant and…just not right.

He puts on his best poker face. “If you see him before then, could you ask him to come and see me please? I’ll be in Junjin’s room.”

He knows Eric like the back of his hand. But this…this doesn’t sit well with him at all.

“Sure thing, Hyesung.”

--

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2) – Only Fr2 present

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 4:00PM – 7^th Appointment

 

Personal Notes:

Recurrent neuroblastoma confirmed. ☹ Metastasis in lungs, liver, heart, lymph nodes. ☹☹☹

Pt had 1^st chemotherapy session today. Was very tired and in pain (Orange Seven), but was smiling. I guess he likes me?? Hehehe. ♥ Thankfully no chemo side effects evident. Pt had also just received G-CSF to increase blood cell count to prepare for stem cell transplant. Was complaining a bit that he doesn’t like being poked and said he feels like a porcupine. Used Lego to help explain that for his treatment it would require a lot of poking but it’s all because everyone wants him to get better! Also explained a bit how chemo works and how he needs more medicine to fight cancer cells off, but that he’ll feel pretty sick after. Pt took it in stride and told me cancer cells were like Kylo Ren and the First Order. His cells were the Rebel Alliance and they’re just refueling now (because he’s tired) but they’ll be back soon (??). I love this kid.

Helped build some more of the Lego ship with pt and Fr2. Fr1 not present. Pt asked about Fr1’s whereabouts at some point. Fr2 explained Fr1 probably had work to do but pt was generally unbothered.  Was more interested in the pirate ship. Fell asleep shortly after.

Discussed implications of treatments and diagnosis with Fr2. Fr2 seemed familiar with the material so easier to explain. Also seems to have lost maybe 10lbs since pt’s confinement. Advised he get some rest whenever possible. Fr2 just laughed and said he will when they get out of here. Didn’t have the heart to ruin his optimism.

--

Eric comes back at nearly 11PM. When he enters the room, he brings with him the smell of antiseptic and stretched rubber. The scent of a hospital, but not the one they’re standing in.

“Where were you?” Hyesung asks once he pulls Eric outside. It takes all of his strength to keep his tone even. Although he has lost the right to demand information from the man in front of him as a husband, he still retains it as a father, and he uses this reasoning to gain a sense of control over their world that’s currently been spun off its axis and has launched into orbit. “Eric, it’s 11PM!”

Eric sighs tiredly. “I know.”

“You know?” Hyesung is dumbstruck. “Seriously?”

“I was called into emergency surgery. I had to go.”

“Emergency surg—Eric, our son’s first chemo session was today. You knew this.”

“I know. And I also have a job to do.” Eric crosses his arms. “Junjin is all right, isn’t he?”

“All right? He finished chemo at 2PM. We were both supposed to meet him in the room after.”

“He’ll understand.” Eric says dismissively. “He knows I’m busy. It’s surgery, Hyesung, it’s not like I just ed off to Sinai to meet with a lover or anything.”

If they weren’t directly in front of the nurse’s station, Hyesung would have punched him, but they are, and he isn’t in the mood to deal with a lawsuit for assault on top of everything else.

“You could have told me where you were. You could have told Junjin.” He tries to keep the accusatory tone from his voice but fails.

“It’s nice how you’d like to be told whenever I leave especially given what happened a couple of days ago.” Eric raises an eyebrow. A warning, if Hyesung ever saw one. He narrows his eyes at Eric in return, but doesn’t bite the bait. A truce. A moratorium on any of their marriage concerns. Junjin comes first.  

“We made a deal.” Hyesung says, hoping he would get a more acceptable reply this time. “Remember? Junjin is the priority.” To his surprise, Eric scoffs.

“I really don’t need this lecture right now, Hyesung.” Eric says, his expression unreadable. “Not from you. Never you.”

He turns without another word and enters Junjin’s room, leaving Hyesung alone in the bustling corridor, left only with guilty, stunned silence.

--

(1) New Message

From: Coach Sanders (Little League)

Hey, Hyesung, just wondering how Junjin was doing? We haven’t seen him for a while now since he had to see a doc. Hope everything is all right and that we can see him before the season ends! We miss our star batter!

--

The vomiting starts at 2AM.

“DAD!” comes a shout, and Hyesung is immediately on his feet from where he was sitting, just barely asleep, on the chair by Junjin’s bedside. The room is dark and he stumbles as he hits the switch, feeling nauseous as the room is suddenly bathed in bright white light. Junjin is sitting up in bed, pale as the sheets, covered and surrounded by the vomited remains of what little he ate for dinner.

“Dad, I’m sorry.” Junjin is teary-eyed and Hyesung’s heart breaks at the sight. He doesn’t wake Eric, who’s curled up on the window seat in a tangle of limbs and blankets, already deeply asleep. He focuses instead on his small, frightened son who’s currently pitching forward to vomit again.

“. .” Hyesung grabs the basin on the bedside table and gets it to Junjin in time. He rubs the boy’s back gently. “Okay there? You’re okay, Junjin. That’s a good boy.”

“Dad, it’s gross.” Junjin whimpers and cries, tugging at the covers. Everything is stained. Hyesung sighs.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, sweetheart. Do you want me to wake Papa?”

“No…”

“Okay, no worries, we’ll get you changed and washed up. Are you done for now? Can you walk? Can you come to the bathroom with me?”

Junjin nods tearfully, and Hyesung moves to extricate his son from the mess on the bed. He strips the sheets off first before going to support Junjin.

“Dad…”

“Hang on, Jin, okay?” Hyesung pulls the covers off and puts them in a pile on the chair. “Just a sec.”

“Dad, I’m—”

Hyesung turns to assure his son it’ll only be one second more when he sees Junjin swoon and start to fall to the floor. Without thinking, he lunges, banging his knee in the process as he catches his son before he hits the tile.

“…Jin? Junjin?” He shakes his son but gets no response. The boy is a dead weight in his arms and Hyesung has never been more scared in his life.

“. Eric…ERIC!”

--

Don’t panic. Never panic.

“Junjin? Junjin. It’s Papa. Can you hear me?”

“, Eric, what if he’s…if he’s…”

“Not now, for ’s sake, Hyesung! Junjin? Junjin!”

Bend. Warp. Deflect.

--

“It could mean a number of things.”

They’re standing once more in the corridor by the nurse’s station with Dr. Lee, who insists on seeing them first thing that morning after Junjin’s fainting spell. It’s still quite an ungodly hour, but Hyesung is still too shaken up by what had happened to even feel anything else apart from raw and cutting anxiety. He has a full cup of coffee in his hand that he doesn’t drink; he only uses it to keep his hands from trembling. Beside him, he can see Eric clench and unclench his jaw out of habit.

“‘A number of things.’” Eric says, his voice steady. “I’d appreciate it if you could expound on that.”

“Well,” Dr. Lee his lips, “as you know, Dr. Mun, it’s normal for patients to faint after chemotherapy, especially with the treatments Junjin is being subjected to. His blood cell count is very low from the chemo, but that’s to be expected. The fainting itself could have been caused by anemia, dehydration, or standing up too quickly, among other things. We’ll be running some more tests though, and have hooked him up to a cardiac monitor to check if everything is running smoothly in that department. If we see any red flags, we’ll let you both know as soon as possible.”

He says it with a tight smile and Hyesung is once more reminded of how hollow a doctor’s word can be, how many hidden layers there are in every sentence, each word carefully picked and shone to help you not look beyond the surface. Beside him, Eric is still clenching his jaw, nearly expressionless, apart from the small worried furrow on his forehead. His silence is disconcerting.

“Forgive me if I’m oversimplifying this but my son has a cardiac tumor, among other things, and a history of sudden cardiac arrest. Is that not enough of a red flag?” Eric says finally, his tone restrained.

Dr. Lee nods, but slower this time. “The cardiac monitor we’ve installed should note of any abnormalities. I’m sure you know this, Dr. Mun. We’re doing the best we can.”

“I know, but—” Eric starts to say before clamping his mouth shut. His expression is pained.

“So, what you’re saying is…” Hyesung says carefully, his own attempt to get a grasp of the situation, “we don’t know exactly the reason he fainted, but that it could be a side effect of the chemotherapy.”

“Correct.”

“But it could also be…something else.”

“Yes. That’s why he’ll be under strict monitoring the next couple of days.” Dr. Lee pushes his glasses further up his nose before he clicks his pen shut and places it back in his front pocket. “He’ll be on complete bedrest for now until his next chemotherapy session. I don’t want him exerting any effort unnecessarily. No sudden movements or any flagrant excitement either. We’ll keep a close eye on him and note any changes. For now, let’s just wait and see.”

--

Minwoo is reading Junjin a story when they re-enter the room. The Child Life Specialist is on his feet with a blanket tied like a cape around his neck, and both he and Junjin are wearing paper crowns. Both are so enthralled by the story, with Minwoo acting out the dialogue in full aplomb and Junjin listening with rapt attention, that they don’t even turn as Hyesung and Eric skirt their way around the bed, not wanting to interrupt the session.

“‘And when he came to the place where the wild things are, they roared their terrible roars!’”

Eric and Hyesung sit on opposite ends of the window seat, their gazes resting on the pale boy on the bed, dwarfed by the number of machines that now flank each side and are connected to him via a multitude of wires and tubes and hoses. Minwoo’s shadow dances over the various monitors, the slowly-deflating star-shaped balloon, the 3D shark puzzle with the missing ribs, and the photograph retrieved and placed on the bedside table by Hyesung’s mother of two smiling fathers and an infant. Darkness casts over three faces belonging to a different time.

“‘And gnashed their terrible teeth!’”

Despite being in obvious pain, Junjin’s eyes widen with the same unbridled exhilaration Hyesung has always known and loved. He wishes he could still see those eyes at ten, sixteen, twenty-five, forty. But he knows fate is a fickle temptress, and he doesn’t dare declare his wish out loud.

“‘And rolled their terrible eyes! And showed their terrible claws!’”

Behind him, the window buzzes with uncomfortable heat, the glass pane vibrating with the early rumblings of a waking city. Beside him, he can feel Eric’s presence, as familiar and as comforting as an arm around his shoulder or the scent of the first rain in spring. But Eric has never felt so far away from him than he does now at this exact moment.

“‘Til Max said, BE STILL! And tamed them with a magic trick…of staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once…’”

“Eric.” Hyesung says softly. He doesn’t look at the man beside him. It seems a small eternity before he hears the low “Hm?” in return.

“I know it’s not the best time to ask but…could we please...wait...until all this is over before we finalize…"

He can’t bring himself to say it. Ending our marriage? The divorce? The hole he’s dug is deep and will drown him, but he will see it through. He doesn’t know if it’s pride or the inability to forgive himself but maybe he deserves exactly what he’s being given…

“‘And they were frightened…and called him the most WILD THING of all.’”

Eric releases a breath that sounds like it carries the weight of several lifetimes. The answer comes as a resigned sigh.

“Whatever you say,” he says, then descends into sullen silence once more. The disappointment that follows and blossoms inside of Hyesung is a field of flowers, vast and unyielding, seen by no one else but himself.

--

Oh, please don’t go – we’ll eat you up – we love you so!

--

Hyesung steps out of the shower later that night and finds Eric where he’d left him twenty minutes past, sitting by Junjin’s bedside and holding on to their son’s hand after Junjin has slipped off into a drug-induced sleep. This time, however, there’s a marked difference.

“Where are you going?” he asks, taking in the button-down shirt, the combed hair, and the messenger bag slung over Eric’s shoulder. In their son’s darkened hospital room only illuminated by faint lamplight and the soft glow of hospital machinery, he looks like the harbinger of doom.  

“I’m needed at the hospital.” Eric says. He kisses Junjin’s hand a final time before he stands and faces Hyesung. His expression is blank and clinical, and for the first time in twenty years, Hyesung feels like he’s looking at a stranger. “I have to go.”

“You’re what?” Hyesung glances over at Junjin to check he’s still sleeping before he pulls Eric as far enough from the bed as possible so they can argue without disturbing their son. “Eric.” Frankly, he’s quite speechless. “Are you ing out of your mind?”

Eric doesn’t budge. “There was a construction accident in a building site in Queens. Multiple injuries. I’m not asking your permission to go, Hyesung.”

“That’s not the ing point!” Hyesung hisses, incensed now. He can’t believe why this has to even be said. “Our son needs us here with him while he fights this ing bastard cancer. Junjin needs you here!”

I need you here, is also what he wants to say, but is rendered mute. He doesn’t have the right to say this, not anymore.

Eric’s expression is still as a stone face. “Hyesung, doctors just can’t check out—”

“Why not?” Hyesung demands. “Your entire team knows your son is here, that he’s sick, that we’ve been sleepless for nearly two weeks…surely they can let you sit this one out.” He’s bordering on unreasonable, he knows, but he doesn’t really care. “Every day with Junjin matters now!”

“Junjin is getting the best care here. There’s nothing more I can do for him, but I’m needed by my patients.”

Something about his statement makes Hyesung’s blood run cold. He recalls Eric’s uncharacteristic reaction to the treatments and how he had actually, for several seconds, considered not granting him the best option when there should have actually been no other choice.

“For ’s sake, what are you saying? What are you trying to tell me?” Hyesung is trying very hard now not to strangle the man in front of him. He doesn’t know this version of Eric, this walled-in, shut-in, shell of a man who has suddenly forgotten that he’s a father first before a doctor. “Have you given up on him already? This early in the game?”

“It’s not a ing game!” Eric snaps. Something like fear flickers across his face. “Cancer is…ing cruel and unpredictable and painful…”

“I ing know! But you’re a parent! If you haven’t noticed, neither of us can do anything more for him but be here and comfort him as best as we possibly can!”

“Well if that’s good enough for you, it isn’t for me.”

“What?”

Eric’s eyes are shining in the half-light. “Hyesung. I can’t just sit here and watch him die. I’m a doctor, for ’s sakes, and I can’t…” He wrings his hands.

“So you’re leaving him because you can’t be helpless? Or because you’re a coward?” Hyesung is incredulous. “Am I hearing this right, Eric?”

“Oh, don’t ing start…”

“Start ing explaining then why you’re already detaching yourself when your son is still here and fighting with his every breath to stay alive! You’re his father! He loves you and he loves it when you give him your full attention but he doesn’t even bother disturbing you or calling for you anymore because you’re always so busy on your goddamned phone or staring off into space or ing off to that godforsaken hospital—”

“Funny how you’re unable to easily grasp this concept of leaving even if you’re the one who’s so good at it.” Eric spits back. “If I recall correctly, I wasn’t the one who ed off into someone else’s arms, and I wasn’t the one who expedited our divorce at the same time our son’s cancer got worse. Honestly, Hyesung, I would have never thought you would do that…but I guess people change huh? People change in the most fundamental of ways and yet here I still ing am…the biggest goddamned fool of all.”

His accusation feels like a slap to the face, and one Hyesung knows he wholeheartedly deserves. When Eric speaks again, his voice sounds strangely mangled as his eyes flit over to where Junjin is lying on the hospital bed, oblivious to the showdown of temper and pride and deep, deep regret between his two stubborn and stupid parents.

“My marriage is destroyed and my son is being ravaged by a monstrous disease before my eyes and there’s nothing…absolutely nothing that I can do at this point to save either because the more I try to hold on to them the more I lose, so forgive me if I leave to go somewhere where I know I can still fix things because at the rate everything is going, I’m just about to lose myself, and I am at the brink now, Hyesung. I really am.”

His voice is tinged with shame and regret, but also swathes of blood-red anger. This, Hyesung realizes, is Eric imploding and tearing himself apart, and over things which he has had largely no control over. For a long moment, he feels ashamed, well aware of the role he has had to play in this show of blatant self-destruction. For a long moment, words desert him and the only thing he can feel is stinging hot remorse.

“Eric…” The confession is already on the edge of his tongue, that no, I never signed anything, I don’t want a divorce, for ’s sake, please can we get ourselves uned up, can we please try again, please, Eric, please, I’m so sorry, I’m so ing sorry but Eric’s phone is suddenly ringing again, and Hyesung knows his time is up and his chance is gone and he doesn’t know if he will ever have another opportunity again.

“I have to leave.” Eric says, his tone final, and something like guilt flashes in his eyes before they shutter closed of all emotion. He heads towards the door.

“You can’t,” is the only thing Hyesung says, but it’s not good enough. It will never be good enough. “Please, Eric.”

But Eric is already gone.

--

And the wild things roared their terrible roars,

And gnashed their terrible teeth

And rolled their terrible eyes

And showed their terrible claws

But Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye.

--

(This is how they start:

A crowded high school hallway several weeks before spring break. Teenagers of all shapes and sizes milling about in between periods amidst the banging of lockers. A face that sticks out in the mostly-white crowd, but melts into the throng before Hyesung can get a closer look.

Hi.

A boy. Tall and tanned with large brown eyes. His jeans are ripped and he’s wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt. One hand is clutching a skateboard while the other is holding on to an Advanced Biology textbook. Part-nerd and part-miscreant, his presence causes Hyesung to take a step back against his open locker.

Jesus Christ!

The boy smiles and meets Hyesung’s eyes. There’s a hidden message there somewhere that he can’t decipher.

No need to be so jumpy.

His heart is suddenly beating a million miles an hour. He lies: I’m not.

We were classmates once. Honor’s English. But you never noticed me.

Hyesung doesn’t notice anyone. He isn’t in class to make friends.

So?

This time the boy laughs. It’s a warm, open sound. Like the bamboo chimes on his mother’s porch, or the low strumming of his father’s guitar.

Anyway, I was going to ask…can I borrow a pen? I have a test next period and forgot to bring one.

There’s a row of pens attached to the inside his locker door beside a Rugrats calendar his mother had had printed for him. Chuckie and Tommy are sitting on today’s date: March 24. Hyesung grabs a pen in haste and s it towards the strange boy before slamming his locker closed.

Nice calendar.

His face flushes scarlet. Shut up!

I mean it! My mom loves them too.

I didn’t ask.

I’m Eric.

And I’m not interested.

Wanna grab lunch later? It’s Turtle Pie day at the cafeteria.

No.

Maybe not today but someday you will. Eric smiles but is already starting to saunter off. I’ll come back and find you. See you then!

The boy disappears back into the crowd, leaving Hyesung with nothing but the memory of his smile and the promise of his return, alongside his treacherous fast-beating heart.)

tbc