The waiting room they’re made to stay in is a small, glass-enclosed area that offers them a quick view of the ORs in use. Junjin is in OR 6, and they are told the whole procedure may likely take at least five to six hours. Hyesung is determined to wait however long despite being in a confined space with his estranged husband; Eric too seems equally resolute at planting himself in the waiting room but, unlike Hyesung, has the welcome distraction of a constantly-ringing phone.

“Yes, Mr. Lasseter too needs to be checked…” Hyesung can hear as Eric gives a fleet of instructions to his residents. He’s pacing so much that Hyesung won’t be surprised if he’ll end up wearing out the carpet. “Yes…yes…what about his vitals…?”

All the noise and movement in the too-bright room are giving Hyesung a headache. He closes his eyes and tunes all sound out, leaning into the hard-backed plastic chair. It isn’t the most comfortable position but his brain has started pounding against his skull and he considers that maybe if he rests his eyes a bit, it would calm down…

Someone nudges his shoulder, snapping him back into full wakefulness.

“Mmph—what?” he grunts, blinking blearily. A dark shape is looming over him, his broad frame blocking out much of the fluorescent lighting in Hyesung’s direct line of vision. He struggles to sit upright, fear suddenly clutching his heart; Dr. Lee the Younger had said that if anything goes wrong during the operation, he would go out and meet with them in the middle of it. Is this it?  “Dr. Lee?”

“No.” Eric’s voice says, a low rumble that Hyesung seems to feel right smack between his ribs. “It’s me.”

The hazy blob in front of him comes into focus and sharpens into the recognizable shape of his husband. Hyesung slumps back against the chair in relief. Oh thank God.

“Do they need to speak to us? What time is it?” He fumbles around his wrist for his watch and gasps loudly when he sees it’s already been five hours since they’ve sat there. “What the hell!”

“You fell asleep and your phone started ringing…” Eric studies him, frowning. “Jesus, did you sleep at all last night?”

“Our son is in major surgery right now and you ask me if I could actually sleep at all last night. What a question.” Hyesung retorts, his patience already paper-thin from exhaustion from the past two days. Eric rolls his eyes then hands to him his phone. The screen is lit and is showing a picture of his mother: UMMA [Shin], the label says. Hyesung leaps to his feet in a panic.

“You actually answered it?” he almost shrieks at Eric in disbelief, pointing at the phone with its active call. Eric gives him an exasperating shrug in reply.

“It’s your Mom and she wouldn’t stop calling. You also wouldn’t wake up, so she eventually started calling me.” Eric says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Hyesung has never felt the need to punch his husband more than this exact moment.

“I haven’t—” he does a quick check of the phone screen and is relieved to see that Eric has actually put the mic on mute. He doesn’t need to finish the sentence though because he can already see Eric scrutinizing his stricken expression. “I mean I’ve been avoiding exactly this.”

“Hyesung. You haven’t told them?”

Told them exactly what, Hyesung isn’t sure what Eric is pertaining to.

“I’ve literally just told you about the diagnosis, haven’t I? I haven’t even processed the information enough myself so how am I going to tell them?” Hyesung says, feeling himself go pale. For a second, Eric pauses in bewilderment and seems to almost open his mouth to counter, but then stops as though to dismiss the notion. He hands Hyesung the phone again, more insistently this time.

“Just…talk to your Mom. I’m sure you’ll think of something. You’re good at that anyway.” Eric says, releasing what sounds like a defeated sigh. “I’ll leave you to talk…”

Eric leaves before Hyesung can get another chance to escape from the call, quickly rounding the corridor and disappearing out of sight the moment he gets out of the waiting room. His mother is still on the line. Hyesung curses his husband and steels himself before he unmutes the mic to pick up her call.

“Umma—”

“Hyesung! I thought we had lost the connection actually but your father said the call was still there.” His mother speaks so loudly and raucously that he has to pull the phone away from his ear to keep from becoming deaf. “Eric told me you were sleeping and I’m sorry I had to get you up from your nap. I know you’re busy but I had to call to ask you what your plans were for my grandson’s birthday.”

Hyesung rubs at his eyes. He had hoped he could have the conversation come to an end as quickly and as painlessly as possible, but already it doesn’t seem to be headed towards that direction. His mother has always been a force to be reckoned with, even at the best of times. “Umma, now isn’t really—”

“He’ll be seven! That’s a big age!” His mother crows, her voice trilling with obvious fondness for her only grandchild. “And it’s two weeks away! You have to tell me so Appa and I can already make plans.”

“We haven’t really made plans yet, Umma.” Hyesung sighs, picking at a loose thread in his jeans; a nervous habit. “We’ll tell you when we have one.”

His mother makes a non-committal noise over the line. “Of course, what can I expect from men, honestly.” She scoffs, although her voice turns gentle at her next question. “I spoke to Eric a bit a while ago. Are the both of you all right? Maybe you guys should take it easy for a while; you both sound so tired.”

Understatement of the year. Hyesung smiles wryly.

“We’re fine, Umma.” He says, the lie flowing smoothly from his tongue without him even having to think twice about it. “You know Eric and I both have to work long shifts. And we have to take care of Junjin too after.”

“I don’t see why you both have to have such ridiculous careers.” His mother laments dramatically. “Why bother having a child if you can’t even enjoy him and see him grow up! The years will go by before you know it.”

The words hurt more than they should, especially given their context now. Hyesung feels his eyes mist over and he hastily wipes them with the back of his hand. But he holds his tongue.

“Hyesung?”

“Yeah, Umma, I’m still here.” 

“Are you all right, dear? You seem so…off.”

“Yes. Just tired.”

“Just…consider what I said, all right? You and Eric shouldn’t work yourselves to the ground. Enjoy yourselves and Junjin a bit more.”

He lets out a dry laugh. “We live in New York City, there’s no way in hell we can survive if we don’t work our asses off.”

“Don’t swear.” His mother tuts loudly. “Anyway, you’re always welcome to practice law here upstate…and we’ll always be available to look after Junjin.”

“Bye, Umma.” Hyesung says, albeit good-naturedly. He needs to end the conversation before it derails any further. “I need to go now.”

“Think about it okay? And remember to tell me about any birthday plans—!”

He hangs up just before his mother can manage to wheedle any information from him, which he was already right on the verge of. His lungs feel shrunken and his eyes are burning. Needing a distraction, he keys in his phone’s password – 032498, the first time he and Eric met all those years ago, across a crowded high school corridor – and is surprised when it leads him to an unfamiliar home screen. Instead of his usual blank one, Junjin’s latest Little League solo picture serves as the home screen, his bright smile fixed right at the center.

Wait. The realization strikes him like a bolt from the blue. This is Eric’s phone. And…

Oh.

We have the same password!? He is astonished at this discovery. In the twenty or so years that he and Eric have been together, he has never consciously accessed his husband’s phone before and so has never had any reason to know his password for it so this…is strange. He didn’t even know Eric knew of the same date…or had thought it important.

A phone rings, and seeing that it isn’t Eric’s that’s ringing, Hyesung reaches for his own phone in his pocket without a second thought and brings it to his ear.

“Hello…?” he says, still staring at Eric’s phone and running a finger down the outline of Junjin’s small face on the screen.

“Finally, you’ve picked up.”

He sits up as the familiar voice makes the back of his neck prickle and his pulse quickens its pace.

“Kangta?”

--

This is how their marriage ends:

An argument – one of many done and collected over the last few weeks, months, years, compounded like weight on a cracking shelf, or the incessant pushing of water against a weathered rock.

An accusation of you do this, you always do this, even when I need you the most, because Junjin has to stay the night now at Eric’s parents’ house at the Bronx since neither of them can pick him up. For the second night in a row.

…back-to-back surgery, I’m sorry, I can’t, but why don’t YOU do it—

I told you, and I’ve been TELLING you for WEEKS that I’m in the middle of the Grantham case, Eric, don’t you understand—

Listen, I have to go.

You never ing LISTEN, that’s the problem!

We’ll talk about this when I get home.

But you’re never home, goddammit!

I really have to go now.

Eric. ERIC!

The quick blip of an ended call, then a crash as a paperweight is hurled against an office wall. Then, from the other room, a hand that comes and rests lightly on his back, while the other supports his shoulder. A warm voice and a warmer touch that soothes his angry heart.

Hyesung.

--

“Hyesung.”

There is an odd feeling in his stomach. Relief? Grief?

“Are you okay?” Kangta always asks what Eric rarely does, and has always done so despite distance and reversed timezones and endless lapses. “I’ve been trying to call you and message you but you never answer and—”

“I’m…” Hyesung bites his lip, unsure of how to proceed. “I’m sorry. Things have just been so fast and crazy around here.”

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll get through it, right?” Kangta is using his calmest voice, the one reserved for the most hysterical of clients. “It’ll be okay. How’s Junjin?”

“In surgery. There’s a…” Hyesung swallows the lump in his throat, “tumor…in his lungs and they’re working on taking it out.”

“How bad is it?”

“Stage Two.”

“. But…it’s hopeful, right?” Kangta’s voice is heavy with worry. “Did you check all their backgrounds? The paperwork? Is Eric there with you?”

“Yeah, of course I did. What do you take me for?” He ignores the question that mentions Eric’s whereabouts. A quick glance at the glass doors tells him Eric isn’t anywhere near the vicinity; he hunkers down so he can finish the phone call in private.

“And Junjin? How are his chances?”

“There’s a huge chance he’ll survive this. So it’s very hopeful.”

“Oh thank God.”

“Yeah…” Hyesung hangs his head low enough so his chin touches his chest. He clears his throat, grapples to keep a sense of normalcy in the conversation: “By the way how’s the Strand case? Is that getting underway?”

Kangta gives him a humorous chuckle. “You are not going to ask me about your cases right now. First of all: you because I didn’t want them and now my workload’s quadrupled. And second: there are far more important things that you have to focus on.”

Hyesung manages to smile. His fingers fidget as Kangta continues fake-ranting about the workload, an obvious attempt to keep his mind off the current situation. He’s…grateful.

“Kangta.” Hyesung interrupts him midway through a narrative about a botched merger and how their lawsuits are now driving everyone including the senior partners insane. He lowers his voice enough to be discreet; despite the walls being glass, he isn’t uncomfortable hearing his own voice bounce back.

“Yeah?”

“…Thank you. I mean it.”

A beat, then: “Anytime, Hyesung”, soft enough that Hyesung can detect the smile in his tone.

--

When Eric returns, he brings Extra Dark hospital coffee in two paper cups. He hands one to Hyesung without a word and settles in one of the chairs several seats away. The air in the waiting room is suddenly thick with the smell of burnt coffee beans.

“How was the call?”

“Good.” Hyesung brings the cup up to his mouth but doesn’t sip. The aroma alone is enough to sharpen his senses and keep his headache at bay. The short conversation with Kangta was also a much-needed remedy, it seems. “It was good.”

Eric sighs. “You didn’t tell her.”

“I couldn’t.” Hyesung doesn’t want to have this conversation, this argument, at this particular moment in time. “Not now, Eric.”

“Hyesung, they’re going to find out sooner or later—”

Again, his statement is heavy with implication. He doesn’t know whether Eric is actually pertaining to the impending divorce or Junjin’s diagnosis, but he doesn’t want to deal with either right now as far as any of their parents are concerned.

“Well did you tell your own parents?” He throws the question back at Eric, who looks back at him stunned, and Hyesung knows it’s the look of a man caught at his own game. He huffs, already knowing the answer.

“It isn’t good news anyway, so it can wait.” Hyesung says, resigning himself to a blanket statement. He picks at the lip of his cup. “Let’s get through this surgery first and go from there, okay? Just…one thing at a time.”

Eric doesn’t say anything, but does gesture to his phone, still on the seat beside Hyesung.

“Did anyone else call?” he asks.

Again, the broad questions. Hyesung doesn’t doubt that, if Eric had put his mind to it, he would have probably made a better lawyer than he already is a neurosurgeon.

“No.” He answers smoothly and hands the phone back to his husband. “No one else called.”

Eric’s only reply comes in the form of checking then pocketing his phone, letting silence once more punctuate the spaces where their free-flowing conversations once had been. Hyesung is disappointed but not surprised, but he doesn’t provoke Eric any further. He checks the clock and sighs one more.

Five hours and thirty-seven minutes and counting.

--

“Perfect surgery. It went so well. We’ll keep an eye on him the next few days while we wait to get the results from pathology.”

“Thank you, Dr. Lee. I know this is unprecedented but…may I see the tumor? As well as discuss a few things.”

An uncertain pause hangs in the air, then: “Of course but…Junjin will be in the recovery room soon.”

“My husband can go there first. I’d just like to hear your professional assessment of my son’s case.”

Dr. Lee glances at Hyesung but Hyesung waves him off, too exhausted and too anxious to see Junjin now to care. Dr. Lee nods.

“All right. Mr. Shin, Dongwan can accompany and lead you to the recovery room. Dr. Mun, we can speak in my office. This way, please.”

--

The surgical recovery room has ten beds in total, but only four beds are occupied at the moment, each one, apart from the last bed on the far side of the room, with their respective sets of parents at their bedsides. The room is hushed and darkened, with the only sounds coming from the discordant beeps and whirrs from the machines hooked up to each child. Hyesung follows Dongwan to the last bed, his arms wrapped so tight around his own body that his fingers ache with tension.

“Here he is,” Dongwan whispers quite cheerfully as he draws back the curtains around the bed. Junjin is lying on the bed, pale and still, with the machines monitoring his vitals being the only indication that he is in fact, still alive. Something in Hyesung buckles at the sight and he releases the breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Whoa, easy there, Dad.” Dongwan says, gripping Hyesung’s shoulders before he stumbles onto the floor. He steers him towards the ready chair by the bedside. “Your son’s fine. He was a fighter all throughout and didn’t give us any trouble.”

Hyesung s around the bed for Junjin’s hand and takes it in his, careful of the web of IVs that protrude from the back of it. He caresses his son’s hand gently with his thumb.

“Is it okay now?” He asks Dongwan. Dr. Lee had already given them an abridged version of what had happened in surgery, but Hyesung is still seeking for more validation. “Did you get all of it?”

“The Dr. Lees were able to remove the entire tumor. It was quite clean.”

“So, he’ll be okay, right?” Hyesung asks. “My son will be okay?”

“For the time being.” Dongwan smiles at him kindly. “Now that you’re here, he’s probably relieved.”

“He didn’t cry, did he? At any point?” Hyesung doesn’t know what he’d do if he found out Junjin had cried and had asked for either him or Eric and they weren’t able to come. Thankfully, Dongwan shakes his head.

“No, he was very brave. Like his Dad!” The nurse chuckles affably. “Once we get him out of recovery and back into the room, the Child Life Specialist will meet with you and your husband…he should be here soon, right?”

Hyesung frowns. “He should be. Anyway, if Junjin wakes before then, I’ll be here.”

“He should be stirring in a bit.” Dongwan does a last check on Junjin’s vitals before turning to Hyesung. “I’ll be back in an hour and check again. In the meantime, relax, okay? Congratulations on your son’s successful surgery!”

He pats Hyesung’s shoulder before excusing himself and leaving the room. Hyesung is grateful for that small gesture of camaraderie and finds in himself enough strength to scoot forward to be nearer to his son. Junjin whimpers from behind the oxygen mask on his face as Hyesung kisses his small, morphine-warm palm.

“Ssh. It’s okay, sweetheart.” Hyesung murmurs as he smooths down the blankets. “It’s me. It’s Dad. Papa and I are here. You did so well. You did so well, our Junjin…”

Junjin whimpers again and Hyesung runs his fingers through his son’s hair, if only to provide some familiar comfort. He kisses his son’s forehead and lets his lips rest lightly on his skin, breathing his familiar scent in.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. Papa and I are here. We’re here.”

--

Eric arrives in the recovery room half an hour later, smelling faintly of cigarettes. He clears his throat as he takes the spot on the other side of Junjin’s bed, then does a quick check of their son’s vitals, as well as the surgical dressing on his side. Hyesung watches his ministrations, careful to note if anything seems awry. Despite not speaking much, Eric’s body language always gives him away.

“Everything all right?” he asks, treading softly.

“Everything’s fine.” Eric says, gently smoothing down the blankets on his side. He takes Junjin’s other hand and kisses it. He doesn’t look at Hyesung.

“Everything’s fine.”

--

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun

 

Pt received from OR S/P Lobectomy, Right
Pt lethargic but arousable, opening eyes to name, moves all extremities, follows simple commands.
Vital signs noted.
BP 110/80, HR 110, RR 20, temp 37.30
Tolerating 2L NC with SATS >95%
No resp complaints.
Pt encouraged to cough and take deep breaths.
Foley to gravity, draining clear yellow urine
Dressing intact, (-) discharge noted.
(-) vomiting, (-) nausea
IV drip in progress
Started Ketorolac 2.5mg IV, 1^st dose given 21:00, q6
UNDER STRICT MONITORING q15.

 

Signed: Dongwan Kim
Shift: 10:00 (12hr)

--

(1) New Message

From: Kangta
How was it? I wasn’t sure what time the operation would finish but I hope you’re able to get some rest.

--

Patient: Junjin Shin-Mun / 6yo / M / Neuroblastoma

Family: 2 parents – Eric Mun (Fr1) and Hyesung Shin (Fr2)

Child Life Specialist: Minwoo Lee

Appointment Time: 9AM

 

Personal Notes:

Met pt on morning post-op. Pt crying and in pain. Maximum dosage of painkillers already administered so proceeded to assess via pain index. Pt aware of index but also has own version (?). Pain described as ‘Red-Black Five’ which Fr1 indicated may mean pain coming in waves in varying intensities (interesting…must review). Attempted bubbles therapy on patient and explained breathing techniques to help distract from pain. Also did magic tricks for further distractions. Pt stopped crying eventually and asked to be shown sleight-of-hand on repeat. Eventually said he was tired so asked if he could sleep. Fr2 read him story. :)

Fr1 and Fr2 clearly fatigued and still disoriented. Fr1 in medical field so doesn’t require much explanation about pt’s condition. Fr2 a lawyer and queried about CLS profession. Explained role as emotional support esp for families with young children undergoing hospital procedures. Tension detected between parents, but relationship is still quite civil. Both prone to squabbling. Must observe more in case pt’s well-being is affected.

--

(1) New Message

From: Kangta
Thinking of you.

tbc