Memorial Sloan Kettering is actually located only three blocks away from his own office, a fact that makes Hyesung feel slightly nauseated. It’s a towering white brick building that he never thought of looking twice at, mostly because there has never been a need to, but that they’re now walking towards with purpose. Upon passing through the gilded golden doors, he feels like he could actually throw up.

“Dad, your hand is cold.” Junjin says as they head towards the elevators. “Are you scared?”

“No.” Hyesung forces a smile. “Why would I be?” From the corner of his eye he sees as Eric glances at him, peeking past the two overnight bags slung over his shoulders.

“All right?” Eric asks, and Hyesung nods as he presses the button that would take them to the 9^th floor, the Pediatrics department. They’re the only ones in the elevator, and the three of them reflected on the glass doors look like a pack of skulking wolves: Hyesung, dressed in black and leaning against the elevator wall; Eric, in a slouchy grey sweater and dark jeans, angling himself away but with his arm over Junjin’s shoulder; Junjin in a white graphic shirt and baseball cap, standing between the two of them, obliviously humming to himself as he leans against Eric while holding Hyesung’s hand.

The doors open with a ping! once they reach the 9^th floor and opens to an airy reception area decorated with shapes and splashes of color on speckled eggshell walls. Junjin gasps as a nurse hands him a star-shaped balloon the moment they approach the desk, a reaction which almost makes Hyesung scoff as he recognizes his own dramatic flair in his own son, despite him sharing none of his genes.

“Junjin Shin-Mun?” Eric is speaking to the tall blonde nurse behind the desk. “Inpatient scheduled for a procedure tomorrow. Under Dr. Andy Lee.”

The nurse glances up at them. “Parents or guardians?”

“Parents.” Both Hyesung and Eric answer automatically.

“Okay, and Junjin…?”

Junjin raises a hand at the sound of his name, the balloon now tied to his wrist. “Hi!” he greets cheerfully, and the nurse nods at him in acknowledgement.

“All right, parents, follow me, please. Dongwan,” she flags down a passing male nurse, “could you accompany Junjin to the playroom first?”

Although Hyesung is hesitant, he allows the nurse, tanned and stocky and with a pleasant grin on his face, to take Junjin’s hand and lead him towards the nearby playroom, after assuring them that their son will be right where they left him. Eric and Hyesung follow the other nurse into a nearby office with two chairs and a desk, and obeys when she asks them to sit down. Once she’s settled behind the desk, she hands them both a sheaf of liability releases, explaining in great detail what the hospital stay would entail. Hyesung listens closely and intently, wanting to ensure that everything is up to standard. Adjacent from him on the other chair, Eric is already scratching his signature onto the papers with the fountain pen he normally keeps in his pants pocket.

“Eric.” Hyesung hisses, annoyed that Eric isn’t even taking the time to go carefully through the stipulations of the agreement they’re being asked to sign when it’s their son’s life on the line. “Will you listen first?”

“I know what they’re going to ask for.” Eric says unflappably. “It’s the same in every hospital.”

“What? No, it’s not.”

“In essence it is.” Eric looks up and stares at the nurse. “Aren’t you missing out on asking us a few more questions?”

The nurse winces, although minutely. “I was about to get into that.”

“What?” Hyesung asks.

“I’m sorry if this is too direct but…we would also have to be informed as to which of you is Junjin’s genetic father. Are they even present?”

Hyesung feels himself blush. He’s never been asked that kind of question before, but he understands the legalities of it. He gestures towards Eric; despite being Eric’s physical antithesis in a lot of ways, Junjin has inherited plenty of his biological father’s features and quirks: it’s in the proud lines of his face, the broadness of his shoulders, the crinkle of his nose when he laughs.

“I know it isn’t that obvious but it’s him,” he says, coupled with a weak attempt to grin. The nurse, however, doesn’t seem so amused.

“So, Mr…” she glances at the papers, “Mun, you are the father.” She delivers the Maury-esque line in such a deadpan voice that it would have been funny had it been in a different context, but even thinking about smiling now is causing Hyesung unfathomable pain. “And…I’m sorry, but are you married? Again, this is for liability purposes and for us to know whom to allow access to post-op.”

Hyesung’s stomach seems to drop like a stone at the words, although he’s able to keep his expression neutral. “Oh that, well—” he begins, before Eric leans forward and pushes a sheet of paper across the desk.

“Yes, we are married and this certificate proves it. He is my husband and has been so for the past eight years. I request all access allowed to me as Junjin’s biological father also be extended to Hyesung Shin.” He says as Hyesung looks on, stunned. Before he can react further, the nurse has already done a quick check of the document and has deemed it acceptable. She produces another set of papers from the desk and pushes it forward.

“All right. Since that’s clear then, this will be the last set of admission paperwork. Kindly affix your signatures at the bottom so we can proceed.”

--

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Do what?”

“Lie.”

“Technically it wasn’t one since I don’t remember signing the divorce papers yet.”

He wouldn’t have since they’re still in a folder on Hyesung’s desk, tucked away at the bottom of his Incoming pile, but Hyesung doesn’t mention that.

“Yes but—”

“Look, you’ll thank me later for pushing through with it. Without it you wouldn’t be able to see him in the recovery room. You know that. You wouldn’t want that.”

“I know but…God, can we not fight now?”

“No one’s fighting.”

“I was just saying you didn’t have to lie. I know that this arrangement isn’t—”

“It’s not about us.” Something flashes in Eric’s eyes. “I’m doing it for Junjin. There’s no other explanation. He would want the both of us there after he gets out of the operating room. Never mind what we think of each other right now. That’s it. That’s it.”

If Eric’s statement hurt him, Hyesung is careful not to let it show.

“All right. All right.”

--

They’re given hospital bracelets to wear for the duration of the stay, which makes the reality of the situation so much harder to escape from.

“Stop scratching at it.” Eric hisses as they walk back to fetch Junjin so they can all walk up to the room. Hyesung frowns at him, his left hand still rubbing the skin that rests under the purple wristband (PATIENT: JUNJIN SHIN-MUN; FATHER 1: HYESUNG SHIN) strapped to his arm.

“I’m not scratching. Are we really wearing this the entire time?”

Eric nods. His own wristband reads: PATIENT: JUNJIN SHIN-MUN; FATHER 2: ERIC MUN. “The entire time.”

“Even in the shower?”

“Does it matter?”

“Won’t it get wet and crumble or something?”

Eric rolls his eyes impatiently. “It’ll withstand a lot of things, stop whining…”

“Dad! Papa!” a voice calls out, and both Hyesung and Eric lift their heads, knowing it’s their son calling. Junjin walks over to them excitedly down the hospital corridor, the star balloon now clutched in his fist. He s his right arm forward, showing his own bracelet to his fathers.

“Look! All our names are on there!” he says, admiring the PATIENT: JUNJIN SHIN-MUN stamped in bold on the label. “That’s cool, right? We all match! Like superheroes or something.”

Superheroes…Hyesung winces. A part of him wants to sit Junjin down to ground him in the reality of what’s really happening, to make him understand somehow what this all actually means, but Eric gets to him first, picking up Junjin and inspecting his hospital bracelet as though it’s the most fascinating thing on earth.
 

“We’re about to go on an adventure, champ. Are you ready? Are you excited?” Eric says, his tone light, reminiscent of what he’d used when they had discussed the operation in the car: how easy and child-friendly Eric’s terms were to tell Junjin of what would be taking place within the next 24 hours, as compared to how Hyesung had started to inform him of the same thing –

(“They’ll have to give you a shot to make you sleep—”

“They’ll SHOOT me???” Junjin shouts in disbelief.

“What Dad means is the doctor will give you some magic juice and you’re going to fall asleep.” Eric cuts in, throwing Hyesung a side-eyed glare as he does so. “And when you wake up, it’ll be just like you waking up from a nice nap. But the doctor will have already made you better.”

“So…I’ll just sleep and it’ll be over? To remove the ouchies?”

“Yep, exactly.”)

For some reason he is also reminded of that sweltering summer day six years ago when Junjin was born, and how Eric had also been the first to hold him; when Hyesung had been a trembling mess and too afraid to touch their infant son, Eric was there, helping him to align his arms and teaching him to support the baby’s head, refusing to take back Junjin to “let you both bond”, until eventually, Junjin would fall asleep faster when within Hyesung’s embrace.

How far they’ve come since that day…and how far they’ve fallen.

“Will you be with the doctors too, Papa? Will you look at my brain?” Junjin asks, his voice bringing Hyesung back to the present. He watches as the boy twists the bracelet anxiously with his fingers.

Eric shakes his head, gently pulling at Junjin’s hand to make him stop. “No, sweetheart. Your brain is just fine and doesn’t need fixing by me. But I’ll be right here. Both Dad and I will be right here.”

He says this even though Hyesung is still standing an arm’s length away, hesitant and unsure now of how he should fit himself in the montage when they’re no longer the family unit their son believes them to be. At the statement, however, parental instinct takes over and Hyesung pushes down his discomfort to step forward and claim his spot, ignoring as Eric tenses when he does so. He doesn’t miss the smile that forms on Junjin’s face as he draws nearer, and the sight of it, as it always does, reduces him to a puddle of pliable goo.

He would do whatever it takes to keep his son smiling.

“An adventure.” Hyesung says, although his voice doesn’t sound his at all. “You and Papa and I will be right in it together.”

“Like the Avengers!” Junjin says, his expression brightening significantly. “Or the X-Men.”

“We could.” Hyesung says. He avoids looking at Eric’s face. “Our sole mission is for you to get better soon.”

“Yeah!”

Eric kisses the side of Junjin’s head. “Let’s go to your room now and help you get settled.”

--

(3) New Message(s)

From: Kangta
I saw your email to JJ. WTF??? Hyesung, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS THAT BAD?

You could have told me personally. I only found out because JJ suddenly endorsed ALL your cases to me. A warning would have been nice.

I’m not mad but please ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

--

Junjin’s room is right by the nurse’s station for the wing dedicated to neuroblastoma and is far more spacious than Hyesung had expected. Apart from the hospital bed and the small army of machines congregating beside it, there are two padded chairs and a wardrobe big enough to house all their clothes in. A door in the corner that leads to a private toilet and bath, presumably for the guests but also available for use by the patient, is there as well. Sunlight streams in through a large window with a surprisingly decongested view of Central Park, made to be enjoyed via the built-in window seat that can also be used as a makeshift bed. The room also houses a large flat-screen tv, a DVD player, and even a small selection of movies. The décor too, with its singular midnight blue accent wall by the head of the bed and the small collection of framed cartoon and comic prints, is quite calming and also tasteful.

All in all, Hyesung is very impressed.

“That’s beautiful,” he breathes as he admires the scenery. Even his 24^th floor level office doesn’t have as impressive a view. “Wow, Jin, you can see all the way to the West Side from here, I think.”

“We’re not here on vacation.” Eric mutters as he enters the room with Junjin, who wriggles in his hold in an attempt to be placed back on his feet. Hyesung frowns at the remark; of course he hadn’t meant that.

“I didn’t say we were.” He says darkly as Junjin walks over to stand beside him at the window, his small fingers poking at the glass.

“Dad, when I get better, let’s go to the park and play baseball, okay? With Papa.” Junjin looks up at him hopefully, but then his expression quickly changes into a grimace, his hand suddenly clutching the front of his shirt.

“Junjin?” Hyesung is suddenly placed on full alert, and somewhere behind him, Eric is the same, quickly dropping whatever it is he’s doing to rush to where their son is. He places a hand over Junjin’s as Eric kneels beside him, gently grasping their son’s shoulders.

“How bad, sweetheart?” Eric asks, his eyes wide and focused with worry. He cups the boy’s chin with his palm. Junjin shakes his head.

“It’s okay, Papa. It’s gone now.”

“Junjin.” Hyesung makes sure his voice is gentle, although he isn’t sure that he doesn’t look terrified. “It’s okay if it hurts. But you have to tell Papa and I so we can help you.”

Junjin looks sheepish. “Maybe it does a little.”

“How much?”

“Red…six.”

There’s a slight slump in Eric’s shoulders that normally would go unnoticed by anyone else but Hyesung. When he speaks, there’s a tremor in his voice.

“Let’s get you in bed, kiddo, so you can rest. The nurse will be here soon.”

Junjin nods and although it’s been long decided that six is already a big boy age and therefore would require less carrying by them, Hyesung does so without his son asking. It alarms him slightly how much lighter Junjin is now despite the boy clinging on to him, but he’s careful to school his expression. When he places Junjin on the bed, Eric is suddenly right beside him, having already unpacked some of the contents of the overnight bags. They move like synchronized clockwork as they tug off his various articles of clothing and work to get their son into his favorite pair of pajamas: Hyesung with the cap and shirt, and Eric with shoes, socks, and jeans. Once done, Hyesung folds the clothing into a pile and places them in the wardrobe drawer; Eric takes the star balloon and ties it onto the bedpost.

“Love, if it hurts, you have to make sure to tell Dad and I first, okay?” Hyesung hears Eric whisper as he tucks Junjin into bed. “Does it still hurt now?”

“…Only a little, Papa.”

“It’s okay if it does; that’s what we’re here to fix.” Hyesung sees as Eric brushes Junjin’s hair back and plants a kiss on his forehead. “Remember what I told you?”

“Everything will be fine.” Junjin says with a small determined nod.

Fine. It’s going to be fine, Hyesung repeats to himself, despite the feeling of his chest caving in, something the parenting books and forums he had read had never warned him about, but that’s what he feels now looking at his frightened child and his worried (ex-)husband, and with startling intensity.

Everything will be fine.

--

(2) New Message(s)

From: Kangta
How long are you going to avoid me for? I’m worried SICK.

Is Eric with you?

--

Dongwan, the nurse who had briefly met them at the reception area, ends up being assigned to Junjin. He’s a fellow with a chatty streak, which proves beneficial as he attaches the IV onto Junjin’s arm. Although Junjin is initially upset at the sight of the needle, Dongwan manages to distract him from the insertion with an anecdotal story about a circus and New York having alligators in the sewage system. The whole process is so seamless that even Eric manages to look impressed.

“So, this is medicine?” Junjin asks, inspecting his IV.

“Yep, lots and lots so you don’t get sick. It wasn’t so bad now, was it? You’re a tough kid.” Dongwan gives him an accommodating smile, making the skin around his eyes crinkle. “Remember, don’t touch the wires and the needle, okay? And if it hurts, call me.”

“With this button, right?” Junjin holds up the call button with his good hand. The red button is resting underneath his thumb.

“Yessir, that’s the one.”

“What happens now then?” Hyesung asks, because he needs a plan to somehow still make sense of everything. Eric has not said a single word to him since earlier and he isn’t sure he’s up for asking anyway.

“We’re just going to have to run a few more tests so we can make sure everything is set to go for tomorrow.” Dongwan checks his watch. “After that, Dr. Lee will come by to give you a rundown on what’s going to happen during the operation.”

By ‘Dr. Lee’, Dongwan actually means both the young Andy Lee and the older Sooman Lee, who enter Junjin’s room in brisk strides just before sundown. Hyesung doesn’t miss as Eric perks up at the sight of them, despite the long day they’ve all had, and how he immediately gets to his feet to shake their hands. It’s the most animated he’s been the entire day.

“Eric!” the older doctor cries out in surprise. A shadow of dismay passes through his eyes. “I’m sorry to say I’m not pleased to find you here at all.”

“The sentiments are the same.” Eric says somberly. “I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.”

“Have you come alone?”

“No. I’m with my husband.” Eric extends his arm without turning, and this time, Hyesung makes to stand without any further prodding. Automatic. Clockwork. He shakes both the Dr. Lee’s hands before standing beside Eric, careful to leave him a wide enough berth; across from them, the younger Dr. Lee looks vaguely confused.

“Mr. Shin and I have previously met but…” He checks the paperwork he has in his hands. “You know Mr. Mun, Dr. Lee?”

“Dr. Mun, Andy. Eric Mun is the Chief of Neurosurgery at Mt. Sinai.”

The title never fails to command respect, even from Hyesung, who rarely uses it himself when he has to refer to Eric. He sees as the younger doctor’s mouth forms a small “O” in surprise as Eric hangs his head, embarrassed.

“Oh, I see. I’m sorry to be meeting you under these circumstances, Dr. Mun.” Andy looks genuinely apologetic. “I’ve already spoken to Mr. Shin about Junjin’s condition. Did you want us to discuss it with you further?”

Eric shakes his head. “I’ve seen the plates. I don’t need any further explanation. What I would want to know is if I could scrub in.”

The older Dr. Lee shakes his head firmly. “Of course not. You know the rules, Eric.”

“But—” Eric says, and Hyesung is surprised to hear the thread of desperation in his tone. Thin and fleeting, but it’s there. “Dr. Lee, you know I’m capable. I just want to make sure…”

“Of course I know, but I’m sorry, Eric. We will not allow it.” The older doctor is firm and resolute. “We will provide you the same access we give to all parents whose children have to go through procedures. This isn’t up for discussion.”

Eric nods, but refuses to meet the doctor’s eyes. Admittedly, Hyesung has never seen his husband look so imploring before; not even on the night he found out what Hyesung had done, or during the days just before he cast the die on their marriage.

“Can I not even be allowed in the room?” he asks, so quietly that Hyesung isn’t even sure he even spoke. The older doctor sighs and shakes his head. He pats Eric’s arm as he steps aside to step past him.

“Sit this one out, all right? It’s the best choice for everyone and you know it. Now let me take a look at your son…”

--

(1) New Message

From: Umma
Hyesungie, Junjin’s birthday is coming up soon. Any plans? Appa and I can drive down to see you.

--

Hyesung isn’t actually sure how they make it through the first night. It’s their first hospital stay for all three of them, together…no, second. The first was surely the night Junjin was born.

It is, however, the first night that they’re all sleeping in one room since that day, when Eric told him he was going to stay up at the apartment near the hospital until further notice. But Hyesung tries not to think about that fact too much.

He reads to Junjin in bed while Eric takes a shower. Where the Sidewalk Ends is a current favorite, but Junjin, exhausted from being prodded and poked and asked all day, falls asleep before Hyesung is able to get past three poems. When Eric exits the bathroom, Hyesung signals for him to take his place in case Junjin wakes. Eric approaches the bed and shuffles onto it without complaint, avoiding looking at Hyesung the entire time.

The silence is suffocating.

“Tell me honestly.” Hyesung says just before he enters the bathroom. Eric looks up and stares at him, his eyes dark behind shower-wet hair.  One arm is protectively draped over Junjin.

“Tell you what?” Eric says, his voice low. Almost threatening.

“You know about this more than I do. Dr. Lee said he has a good chance of getting through this. I want to believe him but I need you to tell me too.”

“Dr. Lee is one of the best oncologists in the city, Hyesung.”

“So?”

“We have a good chance.”

The way Eric says ‘we’ feels like a balm on his heart, but Hyesung doesn’t let his guard down. He nods, satisfied with Eric’s answer, and continues into the bathroom to take a shower. He takes his time standing under scalding water, only emerging when his skin is red and nearly raw from heat. When he does, he’s greeted with the sight of Eric deeply asleep where Hyesung had left him, snuggled beside their son. Hyesung considers waking him but decides not to instead, opting to turn off the lights and settle on the window seat, his breath fogging up the glass as he gazes out at the twinkling city.

Despite his exhaustion, sleep does not claim him.

--

LISTEN TO THE MUSTN'TS
By Shel Silverstein
from Where the Sidewalk Ends

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me —
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

--

The operation is scheduled for Saturday at 1PM. Eric and Hyesung both get enough time to kiss and say goodbye to Junjin before they wheel him away into the operating room.

“Will it hurt?” Junjin asks tearfully, not wanting to let go of both their hands.

“A little bit, just a little bit,” shushes Eric in that infuriatingly calm manner of his that makes Hyesung want to punch his teeth in. He feels as hysterical and upset as their son must be, but he forces himself to swallow it down, not wanting to aggravate the situation any further. “Remember what I told you? Magic juice will help you fall asleep, and when you wake up, we’ll be right here with you again.”

“Dad?” Junjin looks at Hyesung with tears pooling in his eyes and, God help him, it takes him all of his willpower to not bundle his son up right then and there and run off without ever looking back. “Are you scared?”

Yes, Hyesung wants to say, but he flattens his expression into something slightly more comforting: “There’s nothing to be afraid of, sweetheart,” he says, his voice even. Junjin shakes his head.

“Nuh-uh.” Their son looks almost on the verge of crying. “You have to be brave, Dad.”

“Why is that?”

“So I can be brave.” Junjin says, his small palm warm against Hyesung’s own. Something in Hyesung’s chest seizes and he leans forward to shower his son with kisses.

“You are brave and strong and good and this will be a piece of cake for you, kiddo, I promise,” he says, all of a sudden out of words and yet so full of unbridled love and affection for the small, frightened boy on the bed clutching on to their hands. Six years into parenting and he still hasn’t gotten used to the emotions that come in overwhelming amounts with raising a child, and he doubts he ever will. It puts all his years of slogging it in law school to shame. “I promise. This will be over before you know it.”

“Hyesung.” Eric says. Dongwan is standing at the doorway signaling. It’s time.

“I love you.” Hyesung says, burying his nose in Junjin’s hair. “I’m brave. I’m brave, don’t worry.”

“Be good.” Eric kisses Junjin’s hand, careful to avoid the IV. “It will be okay, sweetheart.”

“I love you.” Junjin says with a small wave as Dongwan wheels him out. “I love you.”

And then he’s gone, and the silence swallows Hyesung whole.

tbc