DΛY ΣLΣVΣП


 

My mom died when I was just a child.

The most I knew about her was that I had her eyes and smile-- at least,  according to dad, that is. Besides for that, I don't remember anything else:  what she looked like, what she sounded like, what she smelled like. I hadn't even seen a photo of her. It almost felt like she didn't exist.

So I couldn't begin to imagine how Yves and her mom were feeling right now. Watching a man they knew all too well, a face they'd seen time and time again so clearly that every one of his features were engraved in their minds-- die. It almost felt disrespectful to put it as simple as a single word. But I didn't know how else to explain it. It all happened so quick.

The silence that consumes the courtyard now has a ball forming in my throat, my mouth drying as I watch the scene unfold before me. Palace folk stand still with their hands clasped together behind their backs, crestfallen looks etched across their faces. Guards held their helmets to their chests as they kneeled down before their commander's coffin, grim. Two coffins-- one gold and covered in riches, the other a deep mahogany-- stare back at me. Their doors are closed but every time I close my eyes there's no wiping away the image of their faces as they died.

Jungkook; the way his body fell to the floor with a heavy thud. The way the dagger pierced through his head so deep he barely registered what was happening. The way his eyes, wide open and vacant, stared into mine-- the way it sent a chill running up my spine and my hands shaking in tremors.

The King; the way a large hole ripped through his chest as if he weren't all skin and bone. But in particular, the way his wife cried out in agony, the way his daughter's heart broke in two.

I'd never been to a funeral before. Standing here now with my hands clasped behind my back, pendant rattling in my satchel (a painful reminder of the absent journal), I had no idea what I was suppose to do. I didn't know the King and Jungkook like all these people had. As far as I was aware until yesterday, Jungkook was our enemy-- so how was I supposed to grieve? It wasn't my place to. But I knew the real reason why I was here. Why I stood awkwardly in the crowd of guards, Jungeun by my side. I wanted to see her.

The very thought of the girl has me snapping back to reality. Scanning my eyes through the crowd I look for her: searching for familiar brown locks and warm chocolate eyes. I must've been fidgeting too much, however, as it isn't long until a hand places itself on my shoulder and tugs me back.

"She is not here."

Jungeun speaks so lowly I was surprised I even heard her, a knowing tinge in her voice that has my cheeks heating red. Turning to face her, I can't help but just take her in.

Her eyes looked sunken in like she didn't have a good nights sleep, exhaustion wracking at her body. She purses her lips as she looks at me, scanning me as if she was reading my thoughts. Stammering, I reply-- just as quiet to not disturb the grieving men and women around us.

"How did you know what I was thinking?"

She quirks an eyebrow as if the answer was obvious. A small chuckle slips from her lips. "It does not take a fool to know you care for her greatly. Likewise, it does not take a fool to know that she, you. It is nice to see her care for something other than her duty for once."

"I don't... I don't know what you mean-"

She doesn't wait for me to finish. She sighs, shaking her head. Whatever humor she feels instantly washes away, her face soon consumed by a look of seriousness that has me gulping, nervous.

"You need not play stupid, Y/N. It is clear how you feel." But then she pauses. She opens and closes several times as if struggling over her words, trying desperately to get her thoughts together. After a few moments her shoulders deflate, the ghost of a forced smile tinging her full lips. She shakes her head and starts over.

"See her in her quarters after the ceremony. For me. She is my best friend, Y/N. I worry about her so much but I know she will not see kindly to my presence while she is grieving. I will remind her too much of Hyejoo."

She purses her lips as if the sound of the girls name in feels sour.

"But you... She will be happy to see you, Y/N. She always is."

By the end of her sentence her voice had fallen to a complete, saddened whisper, and somehow I just knew she was done talking. The grip on my shoulder releases and that same hand returns to her chest, nursing a (surely) blossoming bruise. For a moment I just stare at her. Watch as her face soon twists into a small frown, the way her eyes wash vacant as if she was lost in her own thoughts. It's then I realise I'd been too caught up in how Yves was feeling that I didn't stop to consider Jungeun was hurting, too. After all, they were friends.

Jungeun saw Olivia as a sister she never had and her betrayal was eating her up inside.

Swallowing, I force myself to turn away. It didn't seem right to pry. As much as I wanted to reach out to the blonde to see if she was okay, something told me it was too soon. That just like the brunette stowed away in her bedroom, Jungeun needed time to grieve in her own way. I just hoped she would be okay.

The sound of a familiar voice suddenly breaking through the silence has me flinching back in surprise. Looking up, it doesn't take long until my eyes lock on a regal figure: The Queen stands besides her husbands coffin and softly traces at its gold engravings. Her voice sounds coarse as if it was the first time she spoke today, her words echoing through the courtyard.

"I must not lie. I feel like we have lost so much already and the war has not yet even begun."

And then she turns. Looking away from the coffin, she searches the crowd. I don't miss the way her gaze pauses on mine and Jungeun's for the briefest of seconds before she swallows, continuing after a beat. We all stay silent as we listen to her speak.

"Our King...my husband." I don't miss the way she fights the urge of choking on her words. Regathering herself, she starts over. "It is a tragedy I will not forget for as long as I have left on this earth. But I believe it is in his wishes that we continue on, strong in his honour. He would not want his death to be in vain."

A collective grunt from the guards has goosebumps rising on the back of my neck. It sounded like some kind of chant, like church-goers preaching before their pastor. As if regaining some of her confidence, the Queen continues-- this time louder and more concise.

"I will not say that I have the answers. Because the truth is that I do not. I do not know what will happen tomorrow. What this war will have waiting for us, what will come of our people. But if there is one thing we have preached so heavy, one idea that has been hidden in stories of our swans..." She trails off, her gaze hardening. "It is that as long as we have hope, anything is possible. Hope will help us win this war. It is not over. Not yet."

And then she turns once more. Walking away from us, we're left to watch after her as she looks back at her husbands coffin. Her hand lowers once more to trace it's surface, soft. It almost felt like we were seeing a moment we weren't suppose to see, like we were intruding on something that was suppose to be private and personal. As if remembering where she was, she sighs.

"Thank you all for your time. If I may, I would like to be alone."

That was all that was needed. In an instant the courtyard disperses, guards and palace-folk offering their final bows of curtesy before giving their Queen her much needed space. Jungeun nods her head in motion for me to follow her, but before I can even step a foot forward-- I'm stopped. The sound of a voice calling out to me has me freezing instantly.

"Y/N."

Turning around, I can't stop the way my anxiety prongs at me-- the way my mouth dries and my heart drops in my chest. The Queen stands with her back me and I can only begin to imagine what she was going to say.

Was she going to yell at me? Ask me why I froze? Blame me for what happened?

I'm drawn from my thoughts when she finally does turn, looking between me and the blonde.

"I would like to chat."

Sharing a look with Jungeun, the girl offers me a reassuring nod before bowing towards the Queen; wasting no time to linger off after the guards. The Queen seems to wait until the courtyard is fully silent and it was only us left. Me, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet as I fiddle with my fingers behind my back. For a moment silence passes between us and I wonder if she forgot I was there. But then the hum that slips from her lips has me perking up instantly.

 

"Thank you."

Now that I was not expecting.

Stammering, I shake my head.

"U-uh... With all due respect, what for?"

 

Looking down at her husbands coffin, I watch the way she stammers over her words-- so uncharacteristic for someone like her. She was much like Yves in that way. I was so use to seeing her talk with confidence, so use to her being so sure of herself. It just felt... wrong to see her so frail.

The Queen finally walks away from the coffin and closer to me, her face washing over with an almost appreciative half-smile.

"For saving my daughter. For trusting your instinct and not hesitating. You saw she was in danger and you acted." And then she takes me by surprise. It's not until now do I realise what she's holding until she dangles it in front of me, motioning for me to take. Hesitantly, I do. Its gold chain feels cold in my hand. Giving it a firm once over, I recognise what it was immediately.

One of Yves' necklaces... she must've lost it during the commotion.

Before I can get a peep out, she's continuing-- voice soft and all.

"You made a promise to me that you would protect her. And you have. Time and time again. As a mother who loves my daughter very much, there is not enough word of thanks I can give you."

Before I can stop myself, I'm shaking my head for a second time. I feel the way my face twists into a frown as her words catch up to me. Looking away from her comforting gaze, I avoid her eyes as a pang of guilt courses throughout me. There was so much more I could have done. So much more I was supposed to have done.

I didn't do enough.

"I don't think I deserve your kindness, if I'm being honest... It feels like I was more useless than I was useful..."

In an instant, she tuts and shakes her own head. Placing a comforting hand on my shoulder (one I assumed a mother would give their child), she levels me with soft eyes.

"One girl could not possibly carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, Y/N. Instead of concerning yourself with what if's  you must realise you did all you could." She nods her head to accentuate her words, full-heartedly believing them. "It is easy to think back and realise your mistakes,  to think about all the things you could have done different. But you will never be more human than you are in the moment. You acted true to your instincts, true to your nature. All you can do now is learn from your mistakes and move on."

All I can do is stare at her stupidly, taking in her words. I wasn't sure how she was so... wise. It must be where Yves got it from, how she managed to be so smart beyond her years.

But then I catch the way she freezes. The way her hand on my shoulder slips, returning back to her side. She purses her lips together as if considering her own words. And then she sighs for an nth time.

"Perhaps that is something I must be reminding Sooyoung. She feels the weight of the world just as heavy and thinks I do not notice."

The Queen goes silent. For a moment she just stops and thinks, her lips tugging into a frown. And then, with a shake of her head, she snaps out of it. Motioning down to Yves' necklace she offers me one last smile.

Some part of me was in awe. Because how could she manage to be so supportive when her husband had just died before her very eyes?

 

"Return her necklace when you see her. It use to be her fathers before he gave it to her."

Suddenly it makes sense why I'd always seen her wearing it. Why she always seemed to fiddle with it whenever she got nervous.  Something tells me she was a daddy's girl after all. But then the Queen's next words have me stilling, a warm flush crossing my cheeks. She speaks as if she knows something I didn't.

"I believe it would mean much more coming from you."

I open my mouth to question it, to ask what she meant. But before I can, she sends me one last blistering stare that has my lips zipping shut. There were much more important things to worry about.

First on my list;

Yves.

____

Walking with slow footsteps down the halls leading to Yves' bedroom I can't seem to shake the sudden spur of nerves that course throughout me. My steps feel heavy and noisy as I fiddle with the golden chain of her necklace between my hands, my thoughts running rampant.

What if she didn't want to see me? What if she just needed some time alone? I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around what was happening, and I could only assume she was having it harder. I mean she saw her father die! She almost died! She watched the two people she trusted most betray her as if she was nothing!

I feel the way a scowl tears across my lips. The weight of my satchel feels lighter than it did yesterday morning, and I knew all too painfully why.

 Taehyung and Oliva. I never saw it coming.

The more I thought about it the more it was slowly starting to make sense, the pieces of the puzzle coming together. I remember the jealousy I felt when I saw Yves and Taehyung spending so much time together. The jealousy I felt when he stood too close, talking in whispers. She gave him the freedom to look for clues and find the rat. She just never could've guessed that instead she'd given him the freedom to be the rat.

After all, he was there with us when we snuck out the kingdom the first time-- travelling to the royal home to search for the overseers journal. He was there when we retrieved the missing page in Jennie's room. He was with us since the start. He knew everything.

Likewise, he wasn't there when Yves and I visited Chef Min-sik in his hospital bed. He wasn't there when Jungkook entered the dining hall last night, journal in his hand. It left me to wonder what he was doing during the times he was nowhere to be seen. 

As for Olivia... My jaw clenches, lips pursing together. I didn't know. 

I'm drawn from my thoughts when I stop at a familiar door, one I'd seen time and time again. For a few moments I just stand still: stupidly staring at Yves' door handle as if afraid one touch would leave my hand burning, crisping just as Taehyung's had last night. But when the gold chain of Yves' necklace presses firmer into my palm, I push my doubts aside. With a huff, I raise my knuckles and rap them against the mahogany wood. 

One knock. Then another.

I pull my hand back into my body within a second. It's in this moment I realise I'd never felt more like a child in my life. Like a kid who just vomited in the middle of the night and instantly ran crying to their parents room just to stand in their doorway like a scared sheep waiting to get yelled at. At least, that's what Chuu said happened the night before she started her schools very own flu-pandemic.

When one second passes, then two, then five-- it doesn't take me long to realise that nothing was happening. My knock carried through the silence loudly, but not too loud where it was obnoxious. I can't stop the way my breath hitches in my throat. What if she heard me and just didn't respond for a reason? Will she get mad if I knock again? Jeez, does she have cameras in there or something?! Maybe she's hiding from me-

"Aish!" I slap my hand up to my forehead, a wince tearing from my lips almost immediately. "Get yourself together..."

Now wasn't the time to flake out. If there was one thing I didn't like about myself it was that I tended to overthink... a lot. I would find twenty reasons why I shouldn't do something before I found one reason why I should.

So with one last (deep) breath, I try again. Knocking a second time I wait for the girl to let me in, maybe even peak a sound-- anything to let me know she was okay in there! Just as I'm beginning to think I should give it up, however, I'm stopped. Several more moments of silence passes before I hear the faint sound of rustling and her voice, small, telling me to "come in". 

Swallowing my nerves, I do.

The first step I take into the room felt more like a hesitant dip in water. Like I was stepping into the coldest part of a swimming pool, my body growing stiff as I inched closer and closer inside. The sound of the heavy door slamming shut behind me has me flinching, but I will myself to ignore it for now. All my mind can focus on in this moment is her. So when my eyes scan themselves around the room, I can't help but pause in surprise when I see the shape of her body laying down on her bed; her back turned towards me. It's also in this moment I feel the way my heart drops in my chest, the way it cracks in two. 

I'd been here before. Locked in the confines of my own room, my bed my sanctuary. 

After a moment of silence and her unmoving body, I swallow the lump that forms in my throat before hesitating-- her necklace chain clattering as I dangle it up.

"I-I have something for you."

I don't waste a second in closing my eyes, my jaw clenching. I can't help but just cringe. Seriously, Y/N? That's the first thing you say? Oh my god...

I open my eyes back up when I remember where I am. You can think back on this moment later, Y/N. You should b