Waste It On Me (V)
Waste It On MeI sat on a nearby stool I could find. I made a mistake asking her that. I shouldn't. Just remembering how she snapped back at me, I felt what she was going through and all because of how insensitive I was.
I need to sort things out before it gets out of hand. But how?
I just bowed my head and didn't bothered to order coffee. I don't need it now. All I need was someone to save me. Or her from me.
But who?
----
I decided to come home and opened door of my room. Seemed like everyone was still out on their activities. Good. I need all the quiet I can get.
"Hey, we need to talk." I heard Sowon said sternly.
It was the voice I dreaded the most. Why won't I? That voice was only directed at me. I could sense urgency in that voice and I know it's not good. I clutched onto my heart and took a deep breath before looking back. "Yes?"
"It's about our group. Sit here." She said and motioned for me to sit beside her.
I gulped and took a seat. "What about it?"
"What about it?" Sowon said with the last syllable in a high a pitch. Why? Why does she need to talk about that now?
"Look at me in the eyes Jung Yerin. Is this all a joke now to you?" Sowon said and I diverted my gaze at her brown orbs and and reverted to look at my lap.
I couldn't look at her straight in the eyes and began to feel myself trembling.
It's not a joke to me. I've been sweating blood and tears for this dream all my life. My body knows no other ways than to perform and give my heart out on stage. I've experienced all the low blows thrown at my face and still managed to smile professionally. I've dealt with them all through my professional years for it to be a joke.
I'm just pretending that maybe, smiling through this small crack of ours was enough to hide the hideous truth. That maybe pretending that I didn't know would help the group professionally.
I chose to pretend and act goofy because I can't hurt Sinb.
I can't hurt someone who dreamt this much more than me.
But the words got stuck in my throat. How can I say that to Sowon?
"Yerin," Sowon's tone got softer and held out my hand. "I think it's high time to confront Sinb now before others ask what's happening. You know we can't cover this one up. You need to tell Sinb."
I kept quiet. Thoughts were beginning to cloud up my reasoning.
"I've been meaning to tell you this but you kept on seeing your friends you hardly went home. Do you know what's happening to Sinb?"
I didn't answer.
Mainly because I think, I knew the answer.
Sowon squeezed my hand. "She's been pretending she doesn't care on what you do. She thinks none of us were aware on how she's been crying alone. Well, maybe not alone since she's with Angkko. But it's getting under my nerves, she's not being the usual Sinb. And whenever I try to approach her, she would just say that she's fine."
I stared at her hand on me.
And what does that have to do with me?
I want to shut the world in my head. I don't want to be responsible in someone who can't control their feelings. Why do I have to be the one to be blamed for? Is it because I'm older than her?
I trembled. I knew it was partly my fault too. But why do I feel like I'm the only one suffering here?
"Want to do you want me to do?"
"Talk." Sowon answered. "We've been delaying this thing for too long. Talk to Sinb now."
I gulped. It has to end anyways.
"Okay."
----
I went out of the dorm to search for her. It was getting dark and for every second that passes by, I'm growing weary. Should I turn back to the dorm and wait for her there? Or should I continue looking for her in the dance studio?
Come to think of it, if I were to wait for her in the dorm, other members can know what we're talking about. And with Sinb's attitude awhile ago, they will really ask what was happening.
So that really left me no choice but to follow her at the dance studio.
But what if there are other dancers at this time? That would be a scandal. I bit my lip as dread was slowly overtaking my reasoning. Was there really no other choice?
Wait. I can ditch this whole ordeal and go back pretending again.
But then, Sinb will just get worse.
----
So we don't gotta go there
Past lovers and warfare
It's just you and me now
Past lovers and warfare
It's just you and me now
I walked inside the dance studio to find Sinb in the middle of the room. She was just sitting there with her gaze on her shoes. I suddenly froze. How could I say it without hurting her?
"Why did you follow me?" She said without even turning her back on me.
I gripped my hold on the door knob. "How did you know that it was me?"
"No one can mistake you from afar. I saw you in the mirror." She replied back.
She looked tired and it made sense to me. There was really no turning back this time. "Look. Can we talk?"
"Nope. I don't."
This is harder than I thought.
I went to sit by her side. I thought she would stand up and go walk out on me, but she didn't. She just stayed there with me. "Why don't you?"
"I'm freaking tired." Sinb answered back. "I know what you'll say to me, so don't even bother wasting your time talking. I'm answering you, I'm fine."
"That's not what I want to talk about."
I heard an exasperated sigh. "Please Yerin, quit it. if you only went here to say that, don't worry, I'll be fine. Pretend that you don't know, you're exceptionally good at that anyway. Just leave me alone."
Ouch.
It felt like the knives which I was desperately trying to dodge, came stabbing and piercing right through me. It was like the truth finally caught up with me and I got nowhere to run.
But most of all, I now knew the whole extent of her sorrow, without even saying it all back to me.
I stood up without another word and went for the door. But I just stood there, waiting to be called. It might sound crass, but I was desperately holding on to the thought that maybe Sinb will call out to me and say what she has been feeling all along.
But it didn't came.
I closed my eyes and gripped hard on the knob. This is not right. I couldn't let this happen.
----
Waste it on me
I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I'm sorry Sowon unnie. I've been keeping my emotions all this time too.
She was sleeping, her head on my chest. I could tell she was exhausted, her hands slightly trembling against mine. It was only in my dreams that this could happen.
But fear was just at the back of my head. This shouldn't happen.
I remembered her face distorting in a way happiness and sorrow was combined. And I was there, holding her tightly, throwing the same look at her. I pretended that I didn't care. That there was no holding me back too.
I want her to share the loneliness she was feeling inside.
To let her know that I also share the same beast she was trying to hide from everyone.
To say that it was okay to unleash it tonight. That I'll be there no matter what.
She was saying my name as she slowly open up to me. I heard my name more than the times she said it before. I heard it, with a different meaning and tone this time. It made me feel greedy again.
So greedy, that I said her name which made her cry as she was looking at me.
She was my bestfriend. But now, she felt like the closest human I can ever be with and a stranger all at the same time. And I felt helpless at the sight of it all.
Oh why did we need to meet like this?
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