Waste It On Me (IV)
Waste It On MeI inhaled deeply before daring to go one step closer to the waiting room where Yerin and Sowon were talking. They seemed to notice me because they stopped talking for awhile and observed me. I knew they wanted to know if I heard it all, and I couldn't say I did heard everything they talked about. I don't want Sowon to get worried.
More so, I don't want Yerin to come closer to me awkwardly.
I mean, what could be the implications of saying the truth? The least I want to happen was Yerin saying those words to me. I don't think my heart could take it.
So even if it's hard, I tried my best to look annoyed at them and with all the bravado left in me, I dared to ask in a sarcastic manner, "What are you two doing out here? You seem to conspire something eh? Wanna share?"
Sowon rubbed her temples and looked annoyed too. "Yah! Go inside, this is unnies' talk!"
I made a face and went inside the room. Damn. How did I manage to do that?
Now that was over, I just want to go home and probably cry my eyes out. I want to ask myself. How did I manage to like Yerin? Why did I like her so much?
"Hey Sinb, want to talk?" Umji asked. Oh no. I don't want to talk right now. I could almost feel the dryness of my throat.
"Mmm?"
Umji eyed at me like I was some kindergartener. "You got something to tell, I know it." She led to a corner where we could hide under the dresser. I don't know why but Umji's sensitivity and gesture calmed me.
"Why did you brought me here?"
"So they can't see you sharing something with me." Umji said simply. "Something's bothering you. What happened?"
"How could you know that something was bothering me?"
"Aww, c'mon. It doesn't take a second to know that you're somewhat off today."
Is that true? Am I really that transparent to read at?
"I just got annoyed at some of the questions earlier. Good thing they changed it at the last minute." I reasoned out. I don't want Umji to worry about me. I don't even want her to know this part of me that's liking Yerin way too much than an unnie and member of the group.
I felt horrible and hideous at the same time.
Umji eyed me again, probably looking for something that says I'm lying. Then I heard her sigh and patted my head. "Okay, I won't press it."
----
When we got inside the dorm, I'm more than happy to stay at Angkko's side. I watched her rolling with her chew toy. She's so tiny and fluffy, like a furry ball in my hands.
So cute.
"Hey Sinb," someone called out my name and I shivered. I really don't know how to talk with her. She went to sit beside me and played with Angkko.
Why is she sitting beside me? Will she talk to me 'about' it? I don't really want to talk about it. I don't want her to stay away. I don't even know how am I going to deal with the awkwardness after.
"Hey, you're being silent for a while now," she said.
"Oh yeah," I said, snapping out of my thoughts. I looked at her with Angkko. "Say, you're going somewhere?"
She nodded cheerfully and looked at me. "Joy invited me for dinner. We're going to get samgyupsal together."
I heard it again.
I should really try to glue my heart together so it won't break easily.
I forced a smile. "Oh, then what are you still waiting for?"
She pouted. "She's going to fetch me here. Do you want to tag along?"
I stiffened. Suddenly I felt hot and my hands trembled. Yerin... why are you doing this to me?
You knew I had feelings for you, why still ask something that would break me? I suddenly want to slap her. But I can't. I can't hurt her.
Instead, I gulped down the urge to do so. She's just being polite. There's nothing to it Sinb.
"Just go along with Joy, I don't feel like going out this late at night." I said flatly while taking Angkko's chew toy.
"Oh, okay..." Yerin said. I don't know if that was some sigh at the end, but I'd rather not think about the littlest details she's making.
Why Yerin, why?
----
She's been going out with Joy lately. I wonder want happened with her and Solbin. But who cares anyway?
I opened my phone and scanned some posts in my dashboard, and all I could see was that buddies seemed to miss my closeness with Yerin. Ahh... the fan service?
Are we that close enough to garner attention? I don't want to know.
I rolled out of bed and went to the kitchen where Yuju was belting her high notes while making pancakes. Eunha semed fond of it though. She was even singing along
with Yuju.
I grabbed a seat silently and went to eat a loaf of bread. "Hey, I thought you and Yuju will go to the office today?"
"We're just getting ready," Eunha informed me while she cutely put a jam in her loaf. "You know, vocalizing."
Just then, Sowon came back from work and patted Yuju's head. "That smells wonderful."
"Why do I get the vibes of an aged woman in the dorm?' I sneered.
"Yah, you brat! Who are you calling old?" Sowon snapped back tried to catch me. Yuju and Eunha laughed which made Umji peeked over the couch where she was laying.
Sowon suddenly stopped in her tracks. "Wait. Where's Yerin?"
"She's at the Red Velvet's dorm." Yuju said.
"She's been there just a day ago," Sowon said. "My, my, what a day."
And then, everyone went to their own routine like always. Yerin going out almost everyday and not staying at the dorm like she used to was somewhat a normal event now.
Am I the only one getting disturbed by it?
I decided not to care.
If she doesn't want to stay with us anymore, then who cares? I don't.
----
But we both found each other tonight, tonight
So if love is nothing more
Than just a waste of your time
So if love is nothing more
Than just a waste of your time
Promotions ended swiftly and I feel kind of lonely again. Routine will almost be like always. Everyone out of the dorm, and went to wherever they wanted to, some will go to their other activities at work. Same old, same old.
"You're not going to the dance studio?" Umji asked while put on her shoes. She's going to spend the day with her dad.
"Nah, to lazy to do anything." I said while holding a toothbrush.
Umji looked at me for second and went to open the door. "You're not like the Sinb I used to know anymore."
I got confused. It's still me though? What have changed?
I remembered the times during promotion where I always hear those. Am I really not the usual Sinb?
I contemplated all their comments wasted my day doing just that. But I couldn't figure it out. "This is frustrating."
So I changed clothes and went outside. A little bit of coffee outside can make me relax a little, right?
As I was walking towards the cafe where the members and I usually hang out, I noticed Yerin walking towards me. I suddenly froze. Is she going home?
"Sinb!" She chirped.
I don't want to see her. Not one bit now. All I want is coffee and alone time. Can someone just give me that?
Yerin was now in front of me and held my hand. It's freezing cold. What happened to her? "Going to the cafe?"
I don't like to look at her anymore. I don't want to see her smile knowing she could beam anyone with that. "Yeah. Alone."
Yerin stopped. "Alone? I can accompany you! I'm freezing to death, you see?"
I sighed as I remembered. She should be at Joy's dorm now right? What the hell is she even doing here? "You should be with Joy right?"
"Yeah," Yerin slowly answered. "But something came up so I went alone to grab coffee."
"How about Solbin?" I snapped. I failed to hold my tongue back but I didn't care anyway.
"Eh?" Yerin said.
"Why don't you try calling Solbin now so she could accompany you?"
"Why would I when you're going to the cafe too?" Yerin asked tightening her hold against mine.
"I suddenly remembered that I need to go to the dance studio." I said back as I yanked my arm.
"You don't like hanging with me?" Yerin said. I could sense some apprehension in it but I don't care.
I'm fed up being the third or last person she will decide to be with. I'm fed up being a scapegoat for her happiness. I know I can be a professional when I need to. I can be an entertainer without having to involve myself in fan service.
If going with me was for practice Yerin, then I don't want to be with you.
And if knowing that I like you wasn't enough, then I don't know how to knock some sense in you to have atleast the decency to respect me as your member.
But the words got stuck in my throat. As hurt as I am, I can't hurt her. But she needed to know I'm hurting right now.
"Just call Solbin, Yerin, because right now, I don't have the heart to be one of those people who can help you kill time."
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