Donghae looks at the picture in his hand. The recent picture of his ultrasonography which showed the two babies laying side by side. It was taken three days ago with Ryeowook accompany him since Hyukjae’s family is busy and he doesn’t want to let Hyukjae knows.

“Remember to eat healthy food and prevent yourself from stress and too much activity. They are growing bigger and you can feel they started to move right?”  

Donghae the picture while keep thinking about his problem. He looks at the two tiny babies and feel suffocated when a voice comes to his head. A voice that has been disturbing him for days.

You need to talk to Hyukjae! You’re being selfish!

His eyes starts to watery with the thought. He can’t imagine how his life will be if the babies blame him for keeping them apart from their father. He knows he has no right to separate them but in the other side… he finds it hard to talk with Hyukjae.

It’s been almost a week, he feels so conflicted. Hyukjae’s parents have said they’ll wait and ask him to take his time, there is no need to rush because they understand how hard it must be for him. He looked at his tummy and smiles sadly as he feels they moved slowly.

However, day by day he realised he really needs Hyukjae to talk with. He knows Hyukjae still waiting the call eventhough he already stopped to come every morning. Donghae remembers the last time both of them stared at each other. How those big eyes filled with nothing but a big hope for him.

“Wookie?” Donghae turns his head to Ryeowook –who sits on his bed and typing something to his laptop. His best friend raises his head, smiling when Donghae approached him. He winced a bit when he sees how Donghae actually not feeling really good both emotionally and physically. He shifts to sit closer to Donghae when the other man sits.

After exhales deeply, Donghae said with his shaky voice, “I’m… ready to talk with Hyukjae.”

Ryeowook nods and taking out his phone. He lets Donghae leans his head on his shoulder and keep hugging him while he is calling Hyukjae. Ryeowook knows these days Donghae keeps thinking should he talk to Hyukjae or not and it really effected his eating portion. He has tried everything to make the latter feels better but it was barely giving progress.

Ryeowook clears his throat when Hyukjae finally picks up his call. Donghae doesn’t cry or looks happy with this but he stares at Ryeowook when he said, “Hyukjae? Hello.”

“Yes Ryeowook.”

He doesn’t need to come to Hyukjae’s place just to see his expression. From his voice, Ryeowook can conclude how exciting Hyukjae is since he has waited for days.

There is a silent for a few seconds before Ryeowook continued, “Donghae wants to talk to you.” Ryeowook never thought he can see Donghae in this kind of state. Donghae would always smile everytime they talked about Hyukjae even with the most simple topic about him, Donghae always looked happy and replied with a long story of Hyukjae.

But now…

“I will come.”

Ryeowook didn’t reply. He puts his phone on the bedside table and cupping Donghae’s face. He sighs when he glances at how thick the black circle under his eyes. Moreover when he looked at the ring still on Donghae’s finger. The wedding ring.

“It’s very meaningful… for me, Wookie.”

Ryeowook almost threw all the vitamins when he saw there was no more their wedding ring on Hyukjae’s finger but luckily, Jongwoon held him. He really wants to know what’s on Hyukjae’s mind, like is he really forget everything –their memories– with his best friend? Is it really easy for him doing that? Like literally… easy for him to erase it all?

“Ryeowook,” Donghae mutters weakly. “C-could you leave me alone? I want to prepare myself.”

Ryeowook takes his laptop and phone out and heads to the living room after a nod. He texts Jongwoon about Donghae wants to talk with Hyukjae and his boyfriend replies come in mere of ten seconds.

Let them talk, Ryeowook. Let’s pray for the best.

Ryeowook rests his head on the couch. Pray for the best, he really curious what is the best for them. What if it’s only the best from one side? What if… Donghae will be sad after this? Too many what ifs in his head that he doesn’t dare to picture it. He shook his head and feels scared. Just when he is about to reply Jongwoon’s message, the bell rang.

It was the sixth day of the incident when Hyukjae receives a call from Ryeowook. He is in the middle of arranging his schedules and reading on the concept of one of a boygroup’s concert, yeah he is back to his busy schedules again but that doesn’t mean he is not care to Donghae. He cares for him but his parents have asked him to not visit Donghae until the man himself decided he wants to see Hyukjae.

Of course, he didn’t immediately say yes. Hyukjae had a long arguments with his parents but in the end, his parents won because it’s true, Donghae won’t talk to him until he is ready.

Hyukjae doesn’t know if he should be thankful or not for having a good concentration during his work. He can put aside about his problem with Donghae when he immersed with his work but when he has his free time, the thought of the man will distract him.

It’s hard for him to stop himself from coming to their house. It’s making him frustrated because he has Donghae’s phone number but he knows the latter won’t pick up his call or reply his message. He can’t help but sometimes he feels so useless.

So when his phone suddenly rang loudly on that cloudy day and showed Ryeowook as the caller, Hyukjae swiped the green icon and paste the phone on his left ear. His heart starting to thump with a hope raising high now.

“Hyukjae? Hello.”

“Yes Ryeowook.”

There is a silent for a few seconds and it was like ages for him before Ryeowook continued, “Donghae wants to talk to you.”

Hyukjae doesn’t need to be told twice. He quickly shut his laptop and keep all the papers. His heart started to thump harder but now in a good way. Unconciously, he smiles and with a big steps, he walks to the elevator. “I will come.” And starts the engine of his car to meet Donghae.

All his tiredness suddenly disappeared with the thought of seeing Donghae and his tummy, where his babies are. He smiles widely and drives even faster but making sure he is still safe.

In less than thirty minutes, he arrived. He pressed the bell and waits patiently outside. He doesn’t bring something today but he is sure Donghae won’t mind. His head spinning from keep arranging the best sentences to talk to Donghae when suddenly the door opened and showing a guy with a bright brown hair.

Kim Ryeowook stares at him with unreadable gaze but he shifts his body, letting Hyukjae comes in. Hyukjae gradually steps, he waits for Ryeowook to close the door because he feels Ryeowook wants to say something. He feels a bit goosebumps since there is no Jongwoon in the living room and it makes him remember about how Ryeowook beaten him up.

Well, this is a great chance if he wants to do that again.

But no, Ryeowook calmly approaching him and with his cold voice he muttered, “You can talk to him but don’t force him too much. I allow you to talk with only both of you in the room but it doesn’t mean you can survive if you adding his sadness.” Ryeowook doesn’t wait for him to reply, he simply walks to the couch and grabs his book. Pretending to read when his head prepared to explode sooner or later.

Hyukjae quickly walks to the stairs. Every steps making his breath heavier but there is no point to turn his back. He is not going to give up. He will continue to walk and talk to Donghae.

Standing in front of the door that used to be his favorite room is not an easy thing. He has to inhales and exhales and calm down himself before he reached the knob and open the door after a few knocks.

On the bed, Donghae looked at him and draws a small smile. He sits straighter and from his baby blue pyjamas, Hyukjae can still notice his bump. He gives his best smile and walks closer to Donghae and hesitantly, sits himself on the bed.

This feeling…

Hyukjae scans shortly to the room and noticed there is nothing change since last time he left the house. It is just the desk he and Donghae used to work together now filled with a few bottles of vitamins. Hyukjae scans for a little more.

The room that used to be ours.

Hyukjae didn’t notice how Donghae glances at him with much adoreness. Hyukjae didn’t notice how Donghae actually chewed on his lower lip because he can’t believe Hyukjae is beside him. With a big smile that showing his gum. With a smile that ready to make his heart thumping like crazy.

After a long time.

But that smile is not mine anymore.

“Hi.” Hyukjae said as he feels they’re too long in silence.

And that soft honey voice. How many times he has craved for this to happen? When all he can remember is how Hyukjae yelled at him, said coldly to him, and the last time… Donghae didn’t think it was the best voice of him.

He used to speak like this to me. Soft and gentle.

“Hi.”

Donghae is smiling but Hyukjae sees nothing other than sadness and it’s a forced smile. He doesn’t understand why he has to be like that but decided to keep quiet. He is here for the babies, right?

Donghae reached out for his drawer, taking a picture that he had seen this morning and always made sure he wasn’t tangle it. He gives the picture to Hyukjae which the latter accepts it gladly and coos from how tiny the babies are and how cute since one of them looked like their thumb.

“They’re four months and twenty one days now.” Donghae begins, stealing Hyukjae’s attention again. Donghae doesn’t look at him but at the wall across them because he afraid he will lose all his strength if he sees Hyukjae’s face. His hand slowly his tummy and feeling the slow moves again. “Doctor said they’re as big as mango fruit now.”

Hyukjae looked at the round tummy and smiles. “A girl and a boy right?” He looked at the picture again and chuckles a bit. “Are they starting to kick?

Donghae nods. “Sometimes. They can be really active and they… Oh!” Donghae grimaces and feels surprised when the babies kick him from inside. He draws a wide smile and their eyes meet. “They just kicked me.”

Hyukjae blinked his eyes and staring at Donghae’s tummy. His eyes shining bright and with an exciting tone he asked, “May I… touch your tummy?” He can’t control his happy face when Donghae answers in a hum and quickly he places his hands. The babies are kicking quite hard as if they know it’s their father who finally comes and close with them.

Donghae looked around but Hyukjae. He holds his tears when he feels Hyukjae caressing his tummy and kiss it lightly. This is what he has been dreamed for a long time. To have Hyukjae beside him. To have Hyukjae knows this news. To have Hyukjae caressing his tummy and kisses his tummy with the most endearing look.

But not with this condition.

Not when they’re going to divorce. Not when Hyukjae only comes when he knows there are his babies inside. Not when Hyukjae only be this kind and caring when he feels he has a responsibility. And the most important is,

Not when I know you’re here but I can’t hold you.

“Hello babies,” Hyukjae starting to talk which resulting Donghae to bite his bottom lip again when a tears succeed to roll down. “I am Lee Hyukjae, your father.”

The babies kicked again like giving an answer and Hyukjae chuckles from how active they’re when he starts to talk with them. He kisses Donghae’s tummy again and whispers, “I’m exciting to see you soon. I promise to give a lot of toys and happiness to both of you.”

Donghae had imagined how perfect his family will be. Hyukjae will be a great father who loves to spoil their kids and he will always carry them in his arms. Hyukjae will love to sing them children songs and dance to entertain them.

But that’s all he imagined as them. Them. He and Hyukjae together. Still in love with each other and far from a willing to divorce. It’s a perfect family he has in mind but all of it is just his imagination. An imagination.

Donghae quickly looking at his left side and wiping his tears when Hyukjae back to his position. He doesn’t want Hyukjae to see him this desperate. He doesn’t want Hyukjae to see his tears. He doesn’t want Hyukjae to pity on him… or maybe he will laugh and mock him because oh, it’s only him who still has too many hopes on him, right?

“Did it feel hurt when they kick you?”

Hyukjae’s hand still on his tummy and it makes Donghae feels warm.

“A bit. But more like a surprise for me.” Donghae answers shortly and clears his throat when he feels his voice is too hoarse. “I can endure it.”

But… do you know Hyukjae… it’s more hurt when I know you’re not mine anymore.

“Oh.” Hyukjae chuckles and drawing an abstract circle on his tummy. “Do you have any food craving until now?”

Donghae holds himself from throwing his body to Hyukjae when he sits straighter and side to him even more. He really wants to hug him but he knows the other is not like him. He keeps remind himself that Hyukjae only cares for the babies.

“No.”

Hyukjae smiles and nods. He pecks his tummy again and stares at the vitamins and boxes of milk he had given to him.

“You consume the milk and vitamins regularly, right?” He asked with a lot of concern in his voice.

“Yes. O-of course.”

“Sora told me about the milk and vitamins you are consuming. That’s why I know it.”

“Oh,” Donghae smiles awkwardly. “I see.”

Donghae lowered his head and looking emptily to the blanket on his leg. He gulped his saliva and although it’s hard, he needs to ask. He needs to make himself fix about their condition.

“So… you don’t change your mind… about the divorce right?”

Donghae can’t even say our divorce. He can’t even breath properly after asking that question. Both of them staring at each other and Donghae holds his breath when Hyukjae moves a bit further. He doesn’t know what his gaze means but the next sentence is like a hard slap to him.

“Yeah… I mean… Donghae, I care for the babies. But…” Donghae doesn’t notice a doubt glance from Hyukjae because his head full of the sad truth. “I will postpone our mediation until the babies born. I really care for the babies but we can’t continue a marriage without… love, right?” Hyukjae forced a smile but Donghae staring blankly to him.

I should have known he is not loving me anymore.

I should have expected he wants the divorce eventhough I have his babies.

We can’t continue a marriage without… love right?

Why… Hyukjae?

Why you have to change your heart? Why you can’t love me anymore? What should I do to make you love me again?

“Donghae?” Hyukjae frowned when he sees Donghae’s body stiffened. He tries to touch his shoulder but unexpectedly, Donghae hits his hand lightly as a gesture to tell him stop midway. It surprises him because this is… a rare thing Donghae did. Although Donghae didn’t do it in harsh way, it still… he didn’t know why he feels hurt by that action.

“Donghae?”

“C-can you le-leave me alone?” Donghae doesn’t spare a glance to him. He looked at his blanket. “I want to s-sleep.”

Hyukjae frowns again when he hears how shaking Donghae voice is and the other side of his heart feeling uncomfortable because of this. Donghae never asked him to leave when he wants to sleep. Donghae never looked this… weird?

He back-facing Hyukjae and cover himself with the blanket. He doesn’t want the man to see how his eyes filled with so much tears. He hugs his bolster and shut his eyes, trying to ignore the pain in his heart eventhough he knows it is impossible.

“Okay,” He hears Hyukjae said it and feels his bed moves a bit when Hyukjae gets off. “I will come back again later.”

Donghae clenched on his bolster in hope it will lessened his pain. He holds his breath and buries his face to the bolster.

No Hyukjae.

Can you please stop now?

Please stop to make me love you. I want to erase all my feelings like how you erased your feelings easily.

Stop it, Hyukjae.

When the door closed, Donghae opens his eyes again and starting to sobs quietly. His eyes staring blankly to the wall in front of him and Hyukjae’s words keeps ringing on his head. It’s really hurts him until he has no idea how to stop yearning for Hyukjae. It really hurts him to know that he is nothing more than a man who carries Hyukjae’s babies.

“I am sorry,” He whispers while looking at his tummy. He doesn’t mean to feel jealous towards his babies or what else bad feelings. It’s just hard for him to accept that Hyukjae doesn’t want them to be together anymore. It’s just hurt him that Hyukjae… doesn’t want him anymore. It’s bitter for him because he can’t give his babies a complete family that they supposed to have. But most of all, it’s his fault to have such hope for Hyukjae when he clearly knows the man doesn’t love him anymore.

Donghae pulls the blanket higher until it covers his chest and for the first time, he doesn’t hope or think this is just a nightmare. It’s reality. All happened is real. And want or not, he has to accept the fact.

.

.

.

Ryeowook narrows his eyes when Hyukjae shows up again. It is 7 pm and he wonders what Hyukjae actually planned to come back –because in his opinion, one time a day to see his annoying face is enough– but Jongwoon constantly telling him it’s not a bad thing and he has to think positive.

No. How come I think positive about this man?

Ryeowook crossed his arms and stares at him from head to toe. He hasn’t checked on Donghae since Hyukjae left this five hours ago but from his expression just now, Ryeowook can guess something is happening and he is more than ready to crack some bones out of him.

“What about you check on Donghae? He hasn’t showed up until now, has he?” Jongwoon whispers to Ryeowook when Hyukjae simply walked to the dining room and place the food he brought.

Ryeowook nods and going up to his best friend’s room. Since five hours ago he held himself from barging in to the room because he felt Donghae needs sometime alone but as time passed, he started to feel worry. He doesn’t hear anything from inside the room, it is too calm so he choose to open the door slowly.

Donghae’s back is the first thing that greets him but it’s shaking. Ryeowook automatically runs to Donghae’s side and immediately squating down when he scans Donghae’s condition. His eyes staring blankly to the wall but tears can’t stop running down.

Something bad happened. This is not a question nor suspection. This is real.

“Donghae?! What happened? Hey, look at me please.” Ryeowook said and worried obviously draws on his face. Donghae looks so miserable and Ryeowook almost cried just from the thought of how many hours he has spent to cry alone and cursed himself for let him do that. “Please, talk to me.” Ryeowook pleads and hold his hand, squeezing it.

Donghae gazes at Ryeowook and he knows only Ryeowook can understand him now. He sits and leaned his head to Ryeowook’s tummy and letting his tears to stain on Ryeowook’s t-shirt. Ryeowook keeps caressing his back and holding his own tears. Even after countless times, he never prepared for Donghae in this kind of condition.  

“He still wants the divorce, Ryeowook. He doesn’t want to continue our marriage.”

“Dong—“

“He said it by himself. He can’t continue our marriage.”

Donghae sobs become harder and he starting to choke on his own tears. No matter how many times he convince himself that he can going through this, he still feels hurt. It’s like something stepped on his wound and never left it to heal.

Ryeowook doesn’t say anything but he keeps Donghae’s back. He doesn’t understand how Hyukjae’s mind actually work but in the same time, he remembers what Jongwoon said to not expected too much. He knows how hard it is for Donghae but he also doesn’t want him to show his sadness to Hyukjae.

Ryeowook bent-down since he wants to level his face to Donghae’s. “Wash your face and we’ll going down to have dinner, okay?” Ryeowook wipes his tears and sighs when he catches the swollen eyes. Again.

“He is downstairs, right?”

“Yes.” Ryeowook moves his hands to Donghae’s shoulder. “But you have to look strong, okay? We’ll going through this together and will be fine.”

No. Ryeowook knows Donghae won’t be fine. The day when Hyukjae left him and sent the divorce form was the same day where Donghae lost half of his soul. And now, it’s even worse.

Donghae takes a short shower and Ryeowook helping him to comb his hair. Although his face not looking really fine right now, Ryeowook still trying to make Donghae looked better. Both of them walking down and see how Jongwoon and Hyukjae have set the table.

Hyukjae brought tteobokki, tuna pasta, and vegetables salad. His eyes shines when he sees Donghae approaching the table so he pushes the chair beside him but all of them becomes silence and startled when Donghae picks a seat across to Jongwoon and pulled Ryeowook to sit beside him.

Of course, Ryeowook doesn’t really surprise or mind his act but he watches how Hyukjae looked confuse and how his boyfriend is ready to ask about it later. The silence melts by Ryeowook’s high-pitched voice when he asked Jongwoon to give him the plates and he quickly pour the rice for them.

Donghae doesn’t raise his head or paying a lot of attention to his surrounding but he can feel how Hyukjae’s eyes on him. He just hummed when Ryeowook asked him to eat but his body tensed as soon as Hyukjae put a chicken Ryeowook has cooked to his plate. The atmosphere is too awkward for all of them.

“Eat a lot.” Hyukjae muttered with a straight face.  

Donghae doesn’t say anything. He finished it as fast as possible because he wants to back to his room again and avoid Hyukjae.

Well, it’s hard for him to do that. Hyukjae somehow knows his aim so the man also eats faster and when he sees Donghae stands, he does the same. They walked almost in the same pace to wash the dishes and when Donghae about to move again, Hyukjae grabbed his arm.

“Donghae, I want to talk.”

Ryeowook was about to approach Donghae when Jongwoon pulls his hand and shook his head. He wants to protest but Jongwoon keeps asking him to sit and just heard from the dining room.

Both of them keep watching when Donghae turns to see Hyukjae and nods. Reluctantly, he walks and sits on the couch in the living room and stay quiet while Hyukjae sits beside him.

“I just wanna ask about… can I come or stay here two or three times in a week? I mean… I’ll just stay for a few days in a week but I want to know their progress  day by day.”

Donghae staring deeply to Hyukjae’s eyes. He wants to say no because he knows how much it will affect him on his way to move on from Hyukjae. It’s harder to erase all the feelings when Hyukjae keeps coming around but can he really say no to Hyukjae? Especially in this condition?

He is the babies’ father.

“You can.” His voice sounds so low but Hyukjae, Jongwoon, and Ryeowook can listen it.

Hyukjae grins gladly and unnoticed the way Donghae’s eyes turned sad. It’s hard for Donghae to say yes.

Hyukjae wants to stay at this house? To make sure his babies are fine? Donghae feels sick by imagine how Hyukjae will come everyday and sometimes spend a few nights close with him. Eventhough they’re not going to sleep together, it’s still nights together which means hours with him. With someone he can’t reach anymore.

But again, can Donghae really say no to Hyukjae? If he says no, Hyukjae will be upset and it’s also inappropriate of him to pull apart the babies from their father right? Donghae realised he is being too stupid. Even until now, Hyukjae’s happiness is still his priority. He willingly to suffer as long as Hyukjae doesn’t.

Hyukjae’s big smile is enough to make his heart cries once again. He just letting him caressing his tummy again while avoid his gaze and feels his chest tightened as he reminds himself that all of these are nothing than a father who loves his babies.

But what can I do?

I'm back! Wow, it's already ten chapters kkk. When will it end? To be honest, I also don't know. I haven't finished writing this story so yeah hahaha. In this chapter I'm showing more about Donghae's feeling but in the next chapter, I'll try to show from Hyukjae's side. I'm sorry if you found many grammar error. But thank you for all your support, for still reading this story, comments, upvotes, suggestions❤️ And I'm sorry if I ever made you cry when you were reading this fic (Let's suffer together >.< hahaha). Anyway, I've posted a mini fic if you're interested you can check it here Last but not least, take care and stay safe! ❤️❤️