“I really don’t understand both of their brains. I really can’t!” Ryeowook gulps down his water after rants for more than fifteen minutes to his boyfriend. His face looks so dark as if he is ready to attack everyone who tried to fight him and since thirty minutes ago, he keeps pacing here and there, unable to give himself a sit.

They are in Jongwoon’s apartment now because Jongwoon knows his boyfriend needs to say something and it’s more convenient if he does it outside of Donghae’s house. Well, Hyukjae is still with Donghae so Jongwoon told him they’ll out for a while because he really has to calm his boyfriend if he wants all of them have peace.

“You just have to think positive, Wookie. I’m sure Hyukjae is not doing something to hurt Donghae.” Jongwoon said with his usual calm voice. Both of his hands are busy to open their cans of soda because he knows Ryeowook won’t open it sooner or later so he took an inisiative to do it instead.

Ryeowook snorts and sits himself beside his boyfriend as he reminded by the scene how Donghae’s cried when he found him just before the dinner and instantly makes him wants to throw a punch to Hyukjae’s face.

“He hurts Donghae.” Ryeowook breaths when Jongwoon raised an eyebrow. “Hyukjae doesn’t change his mind. He wants to divorce from Donghae and he only cares for their babies. Donghae is nothing for him!” Ryeowook pants after telling all the information to Jongwoon, who looked a bit surprise since he raised his voice but he doesn’t care much about it. “And now… he wants to stay a few times in a week and Donghae said yes. Gosh, don’t you think it’s only make him even sadder after that?”

Jongwoon sighs heavily, can’t say anything. To be honest, he also doesn’t understand how Hyukjae actually thinks and feels. He almost thought the latter has decided to change his mind when Hyukjae kept insist to come because he wanted to talk with Donghae. But he isn’t really surprised to know Hyukjae only cares for the babies and feel he has responsibility to them.

“What should we do to make them together?” Ryeowook whispered, sounds so desperate. He feels so useless because he is right beside Donghae but doesn’t know what to do to make his best friend happy.

Jongwoon sipped his cola while looked at his boyfriend with his serious gaze. He reached one of Ryeowook’s hand, rubbed it lightly with no expression.

“We can just hope. It’s not like we never advised him, right? But the choice is still in his hand, he is the one who decided in the end.”

“But his reason to divorce is too childish, Jongwoon.”

“We never knew his heart, Wookie. But all of us, especially Donghae, has to prepare for his decision. In my opinion, it’s better for them to divorce rather than continue the relationship without love.” He smiles a bit when Ryeowook pouts.

Ryeowook stares at Jongwoon’s eyes for a while and exhales deeply. “I hope Donghae will feel better soon.” He gives a small smile when Jongwoon leans to peck his lips lightly.

But Hyukjae is Donghae’s happiness.  

“Believe me, all of this will pass.” Jongwoon caressed his boyfriend’s hair before he continued his next sentences. “If Hyukjae still in his decision until last and they end up divorce, Donghae might be cried and feeling lost. But there we are, we have to cheer him. Maybe Hyukjae is not his fate.”

It’s really hard for them to believe this is all what happening to Hyukjae and Donghae. It’s hard since they’ve seen how the first time they met, get in touch to each other, Hyukjae would do anything to chase on Donghae, how Donghae would instantly smiled everytime they mentioned Hyukjae’s name, how sometimes they would be so cute or funny, until they decided to marry each other.

Ryeowook leans his head to Jongwoon’s shoulder while his mind replaying their talks weeks ago.

“Why are  you agree to divorce if you don’t want?”

“Because I don’t want to make him suffer. I don’t want to force him.” Donghae tugged on his blanket with blank stare. “And I realise… love is not just about happiness but needs sacrifice too.”

.

.

.

It’s been a week since Hyukjae asked for that and today is another Saturday night. They’ve made a deal where Ryeowook will back to his apartment if Hyukjae is stay for the night –Jongwoon voiced out this idea since he knows both Donghae and Hyukjae need privacy– and fortunately, all parties agreed eventhough Ryeowook had his sour face.

Hyukjae grins when Jongwoon opened the door for him and helps him to take a few paper bags. This is also the first time of his stay since the whole week been busy for him.

“Things for babies?” Jongwoon asked when he saw Hyukjae opened the paper bags and unboxing the boxes inside. There are lots of boxes so he takes a look on them. All things are for babies such as bibs, spoons, pacifiers, even jackets. All the things are branded. Just by looking the brands names, Jongwoon can expect how expensive they were.

“Yeah. My friend recommended all of them.”

“I see.” Jongwoon helps him to take another paper bags filled with fruits and arrange it in the fridge. Ryeowook is still in Donghae’s room, packing his clothes for two nights and all the other things he needed. Well, he is not really happy with the thought of Hyukjae and Donghae will be together for the nights but he can’t do anything because Donghae has assured him to not worry.

How can I?

Donghae nods and winks playfully, a way to convince his best friend. Ryeowook sighs and embrace his best friend while also patting his back.

“I’ll text you later.” Ryeowook whispered and gives his best smile. “But you have to call me if there is something… bad happened. Okay?”

Donghae nods and they hugged again for a few seconds before Ryeowook giving his last glance and with a heavy heart, he left the room with a backpack. He feels uneasy with every steps he takes and when he saw Hyukjae is washing the bottles, he started to wish he can just stayed with Donghae because he has bad hunch.

“Hey.” Jongwoon approaches him and rubbed his shoulder. Ryeowook didn’t comment as he walked to the living room and ignoring Hyukjae. Sometimes he would see from the corner of his eyes but couldn’t stop to throw curses to him.

“Alright, we’ll leave. See you on Monday, Hyukjae.” Jongwoon said while taking over Ryeowook’s  backpack which isn’t really heavy but still, he loves to pamper his boyfriend. They heading off but Ryeowook makes sure to give Hyukjae a glare which sending the latter to shiver a bit.

Hyukjae back to wash the bottles for a few more minutes and clean the kitchen. After that, he grabbed his backpack to Donghae’s room. He doesn’t bring many things in his backpack. Just two pair of pajamas, one jeans, two t-shirts, one coat, a laptop, pens and his papers. At least, those are enough for him although he isn’t really sure he will do his work tonight.

He knocked three times but there is no answer. Hesitantly, he opened the door and smiles as he sees Donghae hugs his bolster with eyes closed but his position seems not really comfortable.

Hyukjae tiptoed to the bed and unconciously he caressed Donghae’s head when he realised the other is still deep in his sleep. A smile tugging on his lips and his hands shifted Donghae’s head carefully to make it more comfortable on the pillow. Luckily, the man doesn’t realise someone touched him and keep sleeping.

Hyukjae turned around to take a look in a white mixed with black room. All the side looked clean and neat but his eyes stop at the big frame that hang on the wall behind the desk. Their wedding picture. It was taken beautifully with both of them had their big smile while looking at each other. The sunset behind them asserted how happy they were and both of their smiled were enough to let all people know they were glad beside each other.

“What are you doing there?” He approached his husband and wrapped his arms from behind his husband, rubbed his stomach gently as the latter kept staring at the big picture in front of him. He giggled lightly when Donghae purred softly.

“What do you think about I place it here?” Donghae raised his head to look at Hyukjae and smiled when his husband gave him a kiss instead of an answer. “Nice? Great?”

Hyukjae nodded  and smiling as he looked at the beautiful picture. “Yeah, the picture is so nice.”

Donghae chuckled but couldn’t agree more. He loved that picture so much since the day the photographer sent the result to them. There is no chance for Hyukjae to say no when Donghae excitedly asked the photographer to print it into a big frame because he wanted to hang it on the wall inside their bedroom.  

The picture still looked as stunning as before but the meaning isn’t the same anymore. Hyukjae sits himself beside Donghae and sighs lightly when he looked at the still closed eyes.

This feels…

Hyukjae forgot how it feels like to sit beside someone who is sleeping peacefully. He forgot how Donghae looks like when he is sleeping or how his habit to hug something tightly like he does now. He almost forgot that Donghae will prefer to sleep without pillow than bolster and his face was the first thing he saw everytime he woke up months ago.

His glance fell on the babies’ bump. Eventually, he could understand why Donghae kept hiding his stomach when they met and walking slowly as if he was afraid he can fall anytime. All of the scenes makes sense now.

Hyukjae places his hand and rubs the side carefully. He surprised when the babies starting to move, as like giving reaction to his touch and his smile slowly appear again.

Never. Never he imagined himself being a father.

Hyukjae is a realistic man. He always used his logic and before he married with Donghae, he had known they would never had biological child. Both of them are men and the possibility to having child by their own was nearly imposibble. Not only him, but Donghae also noticed about it. Their families never bothered about this since both of them can adopt a child if they really wanted.

But now…

Hyukjae moves his eyes to Donghae’s fingers. He can see there is a white gold ring circling his finger. Their wedding ring and he remembers one of the best memories they shared.

“I won’t taking it off, Hyukjae. Thank you for giving me this beautiful and meaningful ring.”

Hyukjae gulped as his mind slowly replay what happened before between them. Hyukjae noticed Donghae’s expression changed after they talked about their divorce and how he distants himself from him. But that’s his decision.

Of course, Hyukjae had talked to his family because Sora encouraged him to speak about his last decision in front of their parents and all of them just silenced when Hyukjae said he won’t change his mind. He cares for their babies but back to his marriage life… he feels it’s too much for him because he knows he doesn’t love Donghae like before. Not anymore.

Right?

Hyukjae chewed on his lower lip. He silently admits that sometimes he also feel confused by himself. Just right now, he starting to doubt himself. He starts to ask if he really has no feeling for Donghae anymore and for millions times, he shook his head and won’t change his mind. No matters what happened.

I am sure.

Donghae stirred in his sleep and opened his eyes because he feels someone touching his tummy. He blinked for a few times when his eyes met with Hyukjae’s but in a mere ten seconds, he smiles as he registered what Hyukjae is doing now. It’s a small smile that looked kinda awkward for both of them.

“Did I disturb you?” Hyukjae asks in a whisper. Their faces are close to each other and Donghae almost can’t believe what is happening. To having Hyukjae in their house, moreover in their room and rubbing his tummy. To hear him speaks this close… It’s like a sunshine finally appeared after rains eventhough there is nothing special for Hyukjae since he does it for their babies.

“No,” Donghae smiles and letting Hyukjae rubs his belly even more. He feels more than ease, having Hyukjae by his side and wandering his eyes on Hyukjae’s features that close. Oh, how he misses him so bad and how his heart actually jumping inside his chest.

There is no words can describe properly on how much Donghae wants to hug and kiss his… Babies’ father, he corrected in his mind before another thought come. But he can’t do that because he simply doesn’t have any courage and he knows Hyukjae would dislike. For now, he is satisfied with Hyukjae rubbing his tummy. Hyukjae would be uncomfortable if he asked for a hug.

The man giggling as their babies keep kicking inside like they’re feeling so excited. “Five months now, right?” Hyukjae asked, his eyes now stopped at the babies’ stroller inside their room and his mind quickly recognized the stroller. The same stroller I saw when we met at the baby shop.

“Yeah. They’re more active now.” Donghae smiled when he feels his babies slowly moved their body as if they’re swimming inside his tummy. But his smile vanished when he looked at Hyukjae’s expression. He realised there is something left, something he needs to say so with his small and weak voice, he said, “I’m sorry, H-Hyukjae. This news must be bothered you.”

Hyukjae stares at Donghae and oddly, he feels his heart hurt through his sentences. Bothered? No, he never felt like that. Not even when he just found out his condition. He doesn’t feel slightest part of him deny of being a father of their babies. In fact, he feels so excited and can’t wait to have both of them in his arms.

But instead of telling his feelings, he mumbled, “Why did you hide them from me?”

That question should be nothing but Donghae has to hold his breath while Hyukjae keeps looking at him, spesifically his eyes. Hyukjae knows Donghae is not a perfect actor and eventhough he had heard the reason from his sister and his mom, Hyukjae still curious. He wants to hear the reason from Donghae’s lips himself.

Donghae looking at Hyukjae’s eyes and find himself being shaken by emotion. His eyes watery and his hands becomes trembling as his mouth opened, “B-because I know you want to d-divorce a-and I don’t w-want you t-to feel I-I’m t-trying to s-stop you b-by using this.” Hyukjae keeps silent but never averted his gaze from Donghae. The younger lowered his head when tears rolled down his cheeks. Donghae feeling like a fool for crying in front of Hyukjae but he can’t hold it. “I-I’m okay i-if you d-don’t want to t-take responsibility of t-them. It-it’s okay, I d-deserve it.”

I deserve it.

A sudden anger fills himself when Hyukjae heard that word. Lee Donghae looks so fragile and weak but here he is, fighting for their babies alone and hiding it from him because he thought he deserved to be alone.

Hyukjae gulped dryly and moves his gaze from Donghae. He doesn’t understand why but now, his heart is complicated. It’s hard to tell what he feels. But one of it… suddenly he feels bad for his decision.

Donghae smiles weakly as he sees how Hyukjae froze in his place. Hyukjae didn’t move forward. He didn’t wrap his arms around him or whispered something to calm him. He didn’t even spare some glances to him, too busy with his own thoughts.

You’ve changed.

Hyukjae knows he should just moved and hugged Donghae to calm him down. Hyukjae knows he should be caressed his head and holding his hands, making him sure that he was not doing something wrong or wiped his tears away but he simply can’t. He holds himself from approaching Donghae and hugging his small body.

Hyukjae didn’t do it although when he stares at Donghae’s eyes and immediately feel guilty. Those eyes… that used to be his favorite. He muttered a low, “I’m sorry.”

Hyukjae breathed and shifted his body. Instead of hugging Donghae, he headed to the door and left the room. Leaving Donghae alone with mixed of emotions behind.

Hyukjae sighs for countless times and rubs his hair. Donghae’s eyes keeps haunting him and it makes him guiltier than ever. Hours have passed and they still on their position. Hyukjae leaned on the couch in the living room while Donghae is still in the room. Hours have passed and none of them moved to talk.

Well, of course it’s not hard for him to realise that Donghae still love him. He can see all of it from the latter’s eyes. But what can he do? Yes, he intended to not hugging Donghae just now because he doesn’t want to torture Donghae’s heart even more. He doesn’t want to give any false hope to the other.

But why he has to feel bad now? Why he feels like a jerk after not hugging the other? Why he feels so wrong? Why he feels like a coward?

Hyukjae groaned. One of his heart asked him to talk with Donghae but another side of him refused the idea. He doesn’t want Donghae to misunderstand his action and thinking he has changed his mind. He knows he must be seems like a complete jerk but—

He didn’t know how many times he ruffled his hair and letting out frustrating groans. The mixed feelings really drain his energy.

Suddenly, steps could be heard from the stairs. Hyukjae quickly stood when Donghae walked to the kitchen and taking out some vegetables from the fridge. He forced a smile when he saw Hyukjae stands in the living room but turns his head back to his activity. Hours had passed and he spent it just for crying over his soon-to-be ex-husband. It’s enough, right? He doesn’t want Hyukjae to see his swollen eyes and pity on him.

It’s  dinner time and he hopes he can forget what happened between them just now. Donghae exhales deeply when Hyukjae stands beside him. Not really close but still, his appearance giving some effect to Donghae.

“I will cook for dinner.” Donghae muttered without looking at his eyes. “Any specific food you want to eat?” He walks to take the plates and taking out a knife.

“No.” Hyukjae clears his throat when Donghae just lowered his head and nod. Seeing him like this for a while is quite confusing because he used to know how cheerful he was. “What can I help?” He tries to break the awkwardness.

“I can do it by myself.” Donghae answered while his eyes fixed on the cutting board.

It’s not like they weren’t awkward before because yeah… what can you wish from almost-divorced couple?

Donghae keeps chopping the meat and avoiding looking at Hyukjae’s eyes but he stopped abruptly and winced when a sudden kick happened from inside his tummy. Hyukjae hurried to hold his arm and worries can be seen obviously from his face.

“Are you okay?”

Donghae letting himself to swim deeply to Hyukjae’s eyes for a few seconds. He smiled bitterly when once again, he has to remind himself to not fall for Hyukjae’s attention. He will erase all of his love for Hyukjae and these attentions are nothing.

No matter how close our distance now, yet he is still far for me to reach again.

Donghae has to hold himself when the question rang again in his mind. He can’t bring himself to ask Hyukjae but he knows exactly why Hyukjae changed his heart. He knows why Hyukjae doesn’t love him anymore and once again, he can’t help but keep asking how bad he is in Hyukjae’s opinion now until he is able to change his heart.

He has found someone who is better than me.

The dinner went silent since both of them kept quiet. Hyukjae ruffles his hair when Donghae still avoiding him even when he washed their dishes. They are in the same room but it feels like he is alone.

“Donghae,”

“It’s already late. Don’t you have to go somewhere?” Donghae asked with his cold voice with his eyes still fixed on the dishes.

“I’ll stay here this night.”

Donghae stunned for a while and his shoulders becomes tense. How come he forgot it? Ryeowook even asked him for more than ten times just to make sure he will be okay with Hyukjae and if he changed his mind.

Hyukjae will stay in this house tonight.

Should he feel happy? But this won’t happen if he didn’t agree, right?

Donghae’s eyes fell on his ring and he feels his breath uneven. He can feel his tears starting to gather on his eyes when every memories of them together flashed again. Unconciously, he started to wish Ryeowook is with him because now, he feels so weak beside Hyukjae. He started to regret his answer to let Hyukjae stays for a few nights in a week.

Can he survive? Can he fix his heart eventhough he has Hyukjae around him?

Donghae flinched when Hyukjae steps forward, closing their distance. But Hyukjae isn’t in his right mind when he grabbed Donghae’s arm and making both of their eyes met. He feels enough with this kind of thing and he is so done with Donghae behaviour. It’s making him uncomfortable because Donghae keeps ignoring him when he is there and Hyukjae somehow hates the thought that it’s himself who makes Donghae acts this way.

He has arranged all the words he wanted to say. All his opinion about how they supposed to act around each other but when his eyes looked at the brown eyes, he forgot everything. He doesn’t know what to say and their body are too close to each other.  Their body almost glued. Moreover they can feel each other breaths.

“I—“

“I’ll prepare for your room.” Donghae cuts and quickly moves his body before he feels too comfortable with that position. He pulled his hand from Hyukjae’s and forced himself to move his legs eventhough his shoulders are shuddered.

Hyukjae trailed him from the back but can’t help to frown when Donghae walked to the guest room. He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms while standing near the door. “Am I going to sleep here?” He asked.

“Yes.” Donghae muttered while his hands keeps moving to take-off the blanket. It’s not dirty but since he knows Hyukjae has his own perspective of cleaness, he decided to change the covers.

“Why?”

Why I have to sleep in separate room?

Donghae glanced at him with a questioning gaze clearly can be seen on his face. He doesn’t understand why Hyukjae asked him. He doesn’t know what Hyukjae’s gaze means and why Hyukjae has to ask that question? Isn’t the answer obvious for both of them? Or is he joking right now?

“Because we’re going to divorce. Right?”

Donghae wants to laugh badly when he saw how Hyukjae widened his eyes but at the same time, he also wants to go to his room, locked the door, and contemplating about his future.

Hyukjae feels like he lost his tongue. Why is it hurt to see him like this? Why I feel weird to hear those words? He lets himself to sit on the couch and keeps staring at Donghae. All things seems to confuse him now. He feels so dizzy but at the same time, he doesn’t understand all of these. Or… is it because the one who refused it is actually himself?

“Your bed has finished.”

Hyukjae watched silently as Donghae folds his blanket neatly and taking all the changed sheets on his hands. Donghae heading to the door without looking at him but before he really going out, he whispered, “Good night, Hyukjae.” And closed the door.

Hyukjae rubbed his face and sighs loudly. The mixed feelings really drives him crazy. It’s even worst when he also doesn’t know how to react because he doesn’t want to torture Donghae but at the same time he hates himself for making their situation awkward.

Hyukjae kept convincing himself that night. Telling himself that his decision is right but no, he can’t easily convince himself like that. No matter how many times he had said to himself, he still not really sure about his next step.

And why I’m doubting myself now?

Why I’m not as confidence as before?

It must be a right step, right? We’ve to divorce. Yeah, we’ve to.

I don’t love him anymore. So…

Hyukjae turned his body for countless times that night because he can’t sleep. He didn’t know that beside his room, Donghae staring to his ring. There is tears in his eyes but with heavy heart, he pulled the ring and throw it to the floor before he sobs harder while carresing his tummy.

I'm sorry for late updateT_T Hope you enjoy this chapter ^-^ The babies' things idea is from Kiwicolada, thank you dear!❤️ Thank you for all your supports, upvotes, comments, suggestions❤️❤️❤️ Hope this chapter also lightened up a bit about Hyukjae's feeling. Sorry for the super slow pace because yes, I'm very slow xD and I'm also sorry if you cried because of this fic but trust me, I also got teary eyes when I typed and read it again! >< Anyway, I also posted something few days ago, you can check it here (if you're interested hihi) Last, take care and stay safe everyone! Have a nice day!^^