My thinking of you may always be as trivial as the sunset and breeze at the background of your sitting.

But someday when you wander endlessly around in the agony, 

I will call you with the triviality which has existed for a long time.

The reason why I truly, sincerely love you is that I changed my love into endless adjacent waiting.

When night came, it started snowing in the valley.

And I know that my love will stop somewhere someday just like the snow.

But as I think about my waiting at that moment,

I do believe that even when it stops snowing after the flowers blossom and leaves fall, 

someday it will snow heavily again.

And I will be waiting for you again. 

-A Happy Letter, Donggyu Hwang

"This is a total waste of time and money."

It was a typical sunny Sunday afternoon. And normally at this time, Joohyun would have just gotten up from bed if not for her friend who decided that she needed to get her 'miserable ' outside.

Joohyun swore she could see the trails on the pavement as Joy drags her toward a small shop where quite a lot of people are standing in line.

"Come on, Joohyun," Joy says encouragingly, flashing her signature smile she always did when the kindergarten principal was not pleased with her report. "Pity this woman who has been single for almost a year because she sees more kids than men."

"With that money, I'm sure you can have coffee with one of them and maybe even dinner." Joohyun grumbles, "You just need a man and you can't buy him with money."

"But everyone says this woman foresees your love life exactly!" Joy whines, unfortunately not letting go of Joohyun's wrist. "Have you ever been at least a little interested?"

"No," Joohyun says firmly, helplessly trying to pry away her fellow teacher's hand from her wrist. "A complete waste. That's what I always called it."

And only Joohyun herself knows that she is lying.

---

"Let's go see the cards!" Joohyun said with a glitter of excitement in her eyes, pointing at the sign that read 'Tarot Cards' a few feet away.

Seulgi raised an eyebrow, giving the older a slightly disapproving look.

"Isn't that way too expensive for just.. cards?"

She did once see them with Wendy who was crazy about those things. But she had realized spending ten thousand won just to pick three cards and listen to the woman say a few words wasn't really worth it.

"But every couple does it." Joohyun protested which was a rare sight for the younger. "You love me right?"

"Yes but I just don't like the cards."

"Then like them for me."

"No."

"Seulgi," Joohyun mustered up her best pleading look. She always pulled that trick whenever she wanted something really, really bad. Her lips curling into a pout, her pretty doe eyes glinting like a puppy pleading to go out for a walk.

"Please please please?"

Seulgi hated that Joohyun always made her blush so, so easily.

"I know what you're doing," Seulgi said but her voice was weak. (And Joohyun knew Seulgi was already half-defeated.)

"You know I can't do it with anyone else," Joohyun said, wrapping her hands around Seulgi's and pulling it close to her chest which only made Seulgi blush even harder(and Seulgi didn't know until now that it was possible).

"You know," Joohyun slyly placed Seulgi's hand wrapped around hers on her chest.

"I'm wearing your favorite bra today. You remember the black one with the lace that you liked so much-"

And Seulgi announced her complete defeat as she slumped down, crouching with her head low and her face buried in her arms.

Joohyun just laughed(not minding the people giving them strange looks), enjoying the tips of the younger's ears which were scarlet red.

After about a minute or two, Joohyun crouches, facing Seulgi who was still not showing her face but only her bright red ears.

"I'm glad I didn't say things like 'I'm not wearing any bra today,' because I'm sure you would have fainted,"

Seulgi managed to meet the older's playful eyes and quietly said in a muffled voice, "I hate you."

"Love you too," Joohyun replied, getting up while pulling Seulgi up at the same time.

"So. Is that a yes?"

"Fine," Seulgi grumbled(but not letting go of Joohyun's hand). "But it's NOT because of the bra."

"Works every time like a charm," Joohyun said, almost skipping toward the sign as she dragged Seulgi along with her.

"Shut up,"

"Love you too,"

"So what are you two pretty ladies here for?"

The woman looked like an ordinary woman apart from her thick pink glasses that made her eyes look huge. But there was something about her that made Seulgi's stomach churn as they sat down.

"I would like to see how my relationship with my.. partner will turn out."

Seulgi felt Joohyun's hand squeezing hers as she said the word 'partner' and she didn't mind at all.

As long as the word 'partner' was Joohyun's way of calling her and only her, it didn't really matter.

Boy. She is sure whipped.

The woman nodded as she spread out the cards, drawing a long curve.

"Please pick three cards," She said simply and Joohyun obliged, picking one by one with such concentration Seulgi could only watch without a word.

After Joohyun finished picking the cards, the woman flipped the first card on her right without hesitation.

The card showed two men holding bouquets standing upside down.

"Are you currently in a seven-year itch with your partner?"

Joohyun blinked, astounded by the sudden question along with Seulgi who was making the same expression, feeling her body stiffening. 

"No. Not at all."

"Has he ever done something that disappointed you? Or had a conflict recently?"

"No." Joohyun said, her voice cracking a little which made Seulgi flinch.

"I'm sorry but that's what the card says." The woman said with a frown, flipping the remaining two cards.

"Actually, all three cards are saying the same thing."

The woman pointed at another card which showed a group of five men trying to take the wooden sticks away from each other.

"This means you'll have conflicts and fights with your lover. Your relationship with him will be complicated and very unstable."

Seulgi could feel her palms sweating as she clenched them into fists and noticed Joohyun was doing the same.

The woman continued which only made Joohyun more annoyed and wanted to shout 'Stop!".

She showed them the last card which showed two men who were upside down, each wearing a laurel crown and a robe, holding up a bouquet as if they were celebrating something. The four wooden sticks surrounding them were decorated like confetti.

"This card means that you have an unstable with your lover. And that your romance with him will end sooner or later." The woman continued, looking at Joohyun with pity in her eyes. "Your conflict with him will show you a realistic part of life."

Before the woman could add anything more, Joohyun hastily stood up and stormed off without a word.

Joohyun was always careful with her actions around people so it took Seulgi a few seconds to realize what had just happened.

The woman shook her head as if she had no other choice but to tell them a tragedy.

Seulgi couldn't help but scowl a little. It's not like the cards can really predict everything that will happen in the future so was it really necessary for her to be this harsh?

So she stood up, muttered an inaudible apology to the woman after paying and rushed out, hurrying to catch up with her 'partner' who was still fuming in rage.

 "Joohyun! Wait!"

Joohyun stopped on her tracks but she didn't meet her eyes, only staring at the ground.

"You know those are just cards, right?" Seulgi said, trying to read the look on Joohyun's face nervously. "They're not always true."

"But Wendy told me that she met Joey just like the cards said," Joohyun mumbled, 

"So what if that is true too?"

It won't be, Seulgi wanted to tell her but wondered if that will be enough.

"Even if it's true," Seulgi spoke after a slight pause. "Maybe that's not how it will end."

"What do you mean?" Joohyun said with a sniff, looking like a kid who had just tripped and trying hard not to cry.

"Even if that happens, it won't end just like that," Seulgi said, flashing Joohyun the most confident smile she could muster.

"I won't let us end just like that."

Little did Seulgi know, that was only a week before their conflict about having kids.

And two months before Joohyun announced her marriage with someone else.

---

Before Joohyun realized, she was sitting on the chair next to Joy and she felt chill running up and down.

It was the same woman that showed her those wretched cards.

But the woman didn't seem to remember her and Joohyun makes up her mind to leave as soon as Joy is done. No need to ask for more tragedies.

"What is it that you want to know?" The woman says after Joy picked three cards(which took her ten minutes for each card. EACH.)

"Will I be able to meet someone this year?" Joy asks with a hopeful glint in her eyes, propping her elbows on the table in eager anticipation and Joohyun can only roll her eyes in disbelief.

The woman starts to explain as she shows Joy the cards one by one. And Joohyun never saw Joy this focused on something which is an amusing sight.

But her thought wanders off as the woman drones on about how Joy will meet someone before this year ends, saying that this year is a good chance for her to find someone.

"So, is your friend just going to watch?"

Joohyun, who quickly woke up from her thoughts, scoffs as she folds her arms in annoyance. Even though inside she was conflicted. Tempted. That woman had somehow predicted her future perfectly in the past. So she is dying to know but terrified to death at the same time.

What can she do if the woman says that Seulgi isn't going to come back?

"Come on, you stubborn baechu." Oblivious Joy says as she nudges Joohyun with her elbow. "It's just for fun anyway."

Before Joohyun can think of anything to say, the woman spreads out the cards without a word and gives Joohyun a knowing smile.

And Joohyun can tell this woman does remember her by her mischievous smile and the glint in her eyes.

"I can feel there is something you are dying to ask," The woman says slowly and Joohyun grimaces a little because of the woman's stare, remembering how the glasses made her eyes look even bigger.

"But you seem a little.. scared?"

Great. So that woman can read minds too. Joohyun instantly feels uncomfortable and is pondering if she should just drag her friend out of this place.

"I sometimes say harsh words." The woman continues. "Not only because it's the truth but because there is always a reason."

"I don't need your sympathy or comfort." Joohyun snaps but stops herself, realizing she is being too emotional. That she is indirectly blaming the woman even though none of this was the woman's fault. It was solely hers.

"I apologize." The woman carefully says after a few seconds, sensing the uneasiness of the distressed kindergarten teacher. "But I just wanted to say that everything happens for a reason."

The woman's smile doesn't falter but this time it is different. Not that annoying knowing smile. It is somehow hopeful enough to calm Joohyun down, taking a few deep breaths as she reminds herself that she doesn't care if the cards say Seulgi isn't going to come back. 

Only because she trusts Seulgi and their promise in the car more than the cards.

Following only her instincts, she picks three cards and looks at the woman in determination as if she is doing a gamble with her instead.

"Tell me the reason that you're so eager to tell."

She notices the woman's lips twitching in amusement but she shrugs it off, focusing on the first card the woman flipped to show.

The card showed a man standing alone, holding a wooden stick in his left hand and a glob in the other.

"You are missing someone." The woman starts and Joohyun tries to keep a straight face, trying to act unfazed.

"And you are waiting for someone to come back."

Joohyun catches a glimpse of Joy looking at her in confusion but she chooses to stay silent, regretting that she hadn't told Joy anything about her relationship with Seulgi.

The woman calmly flips the second card, showing a man standing upside down, wearing a long dark purple cloak. On the ground were five golden cups but three of them were knocked down on the ground.

"But this card," The woman continues and Joohyun can't help but think that maybe the woman already knew what was going to happen without the cards. "Tells me that you'll be with that someone again."

And Joohyun could have cried on the spot if not for Joy who is now more confused than ever.

Even though she had reminded herself several times not to get swooned by the woman's words, she felt a strong tug inside which is enough to scatter all her determination within seconds.

And all that is left now is the ending.

Joohyun finds herself nervously gnawing her bottom lip, unconsciously wishing for something she shouldn't hope too much.

How can she not when the woman just confirmed that Seulgi will come back?

The woman swiftly flips the last card and it showed a man and a woman facing each other. The man was wearing a flower crown and the woman a laurel crown, each holding a gold cup. And above them was a lion face with wings.

It looked as if they were attending an important ceremony. Something like..

Marriage.

"I don't think I have to explain what this card means." The woman says with a playful smile.

"I told you there is a reason. All that was worth it, don't you think?"

Joohyun knows that she shouldn't depend her life on the cards. But she had to admit, it was comforting to actually hear that she is going to come back.

Joohyun slowly breathes out, realizing she had been holding her breath all along.

Then she just wordlessly stares at the last card, not knowing if she should cry out in relief or just leave before Joy can ask anything.

Instead, her eyes trace upward to meet the woman's eyes that don't seem that intimidating anymore and breathes out quietly with a smile that contains so many things that even she can't decipher.

"Thank you."

All the bright afternoon daylight died down when Joohyun came back home.

Joohyun stares blankly at the divorce papers on the table which was left untouched for how many months.

The living room's light has never been ever since their fight and she would often smell the stench of alcohol and even cigarettes when she came home.

The same smell when her father came back home which rarely happened. And it was the darkest, loneliest smell for Joohyun who was only six years old.

She walked all the way home laughing with her friends, brighter than ever which was heterogeneous with her dark house she entered after saying goodbye to her friends.

A bright kid in a dark room, absorbed by the shadows swallowing her up.

And she always wished she was strong enough to bear it all.

Joohyun walks toward the sofa without turning on the living room lights and she feels the cold texture of the leather touching her skin as she sits down.

She couldn't even stand being alone in the dark. Years had passed and she had gone through and learned a lot so she thought that it was enough for her to move on. 

But time and attempts were only like a band-aid which is only able to stop the wound from bleeding.

There were times when she couldn't stand the loneliness enough for her to look for anyone she could be with. 

The feeling never really faded away even when she met Seulgi. It did falter than ever before but it was still there.

So when that overwhelmed her, she always came to Seulgi's apartment, finding comfort in the place she always considered as their home, inhaling the familiar scent of the house and listening to music with Seulgi's precious LP record.

And when she felt rebellious enough, she would turn off the living room light leaving everything dark, letting the silence wrap around her.

She had held her breath and closed her eyes, trying not to let the feeling get to her again.

She had been too busy trying to breathe in and out she didn't hear the sound of Seulgi unlocking the door and the younger instantly knelt down in panic, thinking Joohyun was sick.

It was so dark Joohyun could barely see the younger's face but her voice filled with concern which was only made out of love, her nervous breathing and her cold hands grasping hers which was oddly comforting.

'Why didn't you turn on the lights?' Seulgi had asked, searching for any sign that would show what was wrong. 'Is something wrong?'.

Before, Joohyun couldn't understand how princes fought fire-breathing dragons or evil villains in fairy tales.

Just because you're in love doesn't mean you can do anything, it doesn't mean you won't fail. 

And it doesn't make the pain fade away at all.

Joohyun had drowned into her thoughts as she placed her hand on Seulgi's cheek without a word. She had almost smiled because the way Seulgi frowned, her brow creasing, pursing her lips hard, squinting her eyes waiting for her to speak was oh so endearing. 

Nobody had ever looked at her like that when she was holding back her tears.

It felt like she had been holding back a huge lump because there was no one who asked if she was okay when she fell down.

And Seulgi's presence was like a gentle pat on the back. She couldn't find any other way to explain it.

"Nothing's wrong," Joohyun had softly uttered in the dark and she could feel her lips curling up unlike her eyes tearing up.

"Everything is right."

She had realized that she was right. And that she was also wrong.

Yes, loving someone doesn't suddenly solve your problems, erase the past wounds as if they never existed and maybe even make your another fresh wound.

Then why do princes risk their lives for that reason?

Because it makes you want to. It makes you want to believe it and overcome anything that stops them.

And she was no different from them.

Joohyun looks around the empty living room wondering how long she has to stay in this dark alone. No, not just being alone. Being without her for another day.

Then she hears the front door being heavily pulled open and Suho doesn't even chance a glance as he walks straight into his office room, right past the table with the divorce paper placed on it.

She never felt this selfish, carrying her phone everywhere and staring at the screen just in case Seulgi decided to call. They were both selfish in some way. A wife who ignores her husband even though he deserves much more than that. And a husband who refuses to accept the fact his wife is in love with someone who is not him. And that he can never be happy with her anymore.

Their conversation stopped and never started. They only communicated with their actions.

Suho ignoring the divorce papers or even throwing them into the trash bin, Joohyun placed a new one on the same kitchen table with her name signed on the bottom.

One was begging the other to let go, and the other was crying out that he couldn't.

Joohyun sits up with a helpless sigh and walks toward the bathroom to take a bath.

Taking a bath always helped her calm down. Sitting on the tub filled with hot water, feeling somehow comforted by the warmth and safe even though she was .

Even though the warmth of the water seemed less comforting now as she gathered her legs, wrapping them around her arms and staring at the water tap filling the tub with the warm liquid that won't fill the empty space.

It was funny how you can get even more lonely when you love someone.

Joohyun closes her eyes and buries her face into her arms, her eyes getting heavier as the warm water starts to reach her calves.

'Aw, how can you fall asleep when I'm in front of you?' Seulgi would always say with a sly grin, her toes touching hers and the younger would bend a little closer to her because of the water tap behind her.

And Joohyun would lazily smile with her eyes still closed, slowly raising her head.

Then she would grab the edge of the tub to pull herself forward and lean close enough to make the younger blush.

Joohyun had always imagined who will possibly fill the empty spot that can't be filled by just anyone. 

And as Joohyun playfully touched Seulgi's knee, she would think to herself how the tub seemed so small with Seulgi in front of her. And she didn't mind at all. Because she was always willing to close the distance between them.

Seulgi would grab her hand in embarrassment when Joohyun's hand started to sneakily slide into her inner thigh, and the older would laugh, brush the droplet of water on Seulgi's wet face as if she was brushing away a tear, and randomly but carefully say after a moment of silence,

'I love you,'

Because she realized that empty space can only be filled by someone who she wanted as the last person she'll ever love.

The desperation that she needed to get rid of the loneliness which was like being surrounded by the relentless wind of December turned into something else.

That it must be her that fills the emptiness even if that meant the empty spot will have to remain sometimes.

But there were some days when she couldn't even bear to breathe.

Regretting again that this long waiting wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for her foolish mistake.

Thinking she may have scarred someone she wanted the most for meeting someone else behind her back.

She often drowned into those thoughts whenever she curled up into a ball in the tub, feeling a shiver going up to her spine because the space behind her was strangely empty.

What kind of person am I? She would think and then she would hear, remember and feel the people's unreadable look and audible whispers.

She remembered when Jisoo stormed into her apartment a month after her wedding(with Wendy desperately trying to stop her).

Joohyun can still recall that moment when Jisoo just stood there without a word when Joohyun opened the door. She didn't have to.

Her eyes had said it all.

'I can't believe you would do that to my best friend.'

What had scared Joohyun wasn't the look of pure rage in Jisoo's eyes.

It was the tears welling up in the corner of her eyes that made her realize she had chosen to become the worst person to someone who was most precious to her.

'Meeting someone behind Seulgi's back? Disgusting.'

Joohyun had collapsed on her knees, begging for forgiveness, balling her left hand into a fist so that the glint of that cursed diamond ring on her finger won't be seen to anyone.

Her cries had echoed down the stairs with Wendy's desperate reassurance and Jisoo's piercing shout.

'What did she ever do to you?' Jisoo had demanded, failing to compose herself judging by the hoarse cry of her voice. 'Why did you choose to become another person in her life who made her think she's not worthy to be loved!'

Jisoo had forced her to get up, grabbing her shoulders and looking straight into her eyes.

'For five years!' Jisoo had screamed at her, her nails digging into her shoulders but the pain was nothing compared to what Joohyun had been feeling inside.

'For ING five years I have never seen her this happy. And I was glad. Happy even that she had someone even when I realized that could never be me!'

Joohyun always winced and covered her ears whenever she recalled that day but that only made the echo in her head get louder.

'You got to have what I wanted for five years and yet you threw it away! You threw away the best thing that can ever happen in your life!'

And instantly Joohyun had recalled the bittersweet smile on Jisoo's face when they first met. Seulgi constantly had tried to convince her that Jisoo was just her best friend that was like a sister to her.

'I don't think there will ever be someone else other than you.' Seulgi had said, averting her eyes but her cheeks tinted pink said it all.

Just when she thought she had poured all her tears until they were dry, one thought made a single tear stream down her cheek.

What have I done?

And she realized the three of them were already a crying mess. Even Wendy who was furiously wiping her eyes with her sleeve and Joohyun felt paralyzed from head to toe when Jisoo's grip on her shoulders slowly loosened which ironically suffocated her more.

'...Why can't you both just be happy together.'

Joohyun had to cover to not let her cry echo the bathroom, gnawing her finger because she was desperate to feel anything besides the burning hole inside and she couldn't tell if it was the boiling water or just her.

All she wanted was to fix this. Seulgi. Them. And maybe even herself.

But as she learned, loving someone isn't enough. Because that's not all in life.

So she has to try.

However, as soon as she hears the hard sound of the front door slamming shut, implying Suho has left, Joohyun winces as the thought of what her relatives will say behind her back flashes into her head.

'Asking for divorce when it hasn't even been a year since their marriage? How childish.'

'Poor Suho. I heard she asked for a divorce because she's seeing someone else.'

'She's a disgrace to her family. And she tainted ours too.'

'No wonder she was raised by a single parent. She's flawed all over.'

And Joohyun knows those words will follow her for a very long time. She deserves that anyway. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she deserves worse.

She has no desire to justify her actions because what is the point of that when what her heart wants is always the same?

She stops her endless thoughts connecting back to back by splashing warm water on her face. 

Joohyun opens , slowly exhaling as she runs her fingers to her wet hair with her mind blank.

"Bae Joohyun! Open the door!"

After Joohyun just got out of the bathroom an hour later, rubbing her wet hair with a towel she heard a familiar sound calling her name along with the desperate banging on the door. It takes her a moment to let the situation sink in and she lets out a small sigh as she puts down the towel on the table. She walks toward the front door with a straight face(but her chewing her bottom lip shows what she is really feeling) and opens the door. 

Jennie, who is glaring at her so hard enough to make Joohyun wince, storms into the living room after throwing away her shoes as if they are useless as the woman standing in front of her with an unreadable expression.

Jennie immediately notices the divorce papers on the table and scoffs, as if she couldn't believe Joohyun would ever even think of signing that paper.

And Joohyun feels like she is grabbing anything she won't get drowned in a hurricane.

"So it is true."

"How did you know?"

The calmness in her tone doesn't help Jennie to stop fuming, her face flushed red in outrage.

"I saw him the other day and he didn't look any different from a corpse. So I had to ask him more than a million times to tell me what happened."

"...."

"Are you insane?" Jennie's shrill voice getting louder makes Joohyun grimace, anxiously balling her hands into fists.

Joohyun can almost imagine what happened. Jennie would have looked straight into Suho's face which Joohyun can never do for a long time, demanding him to tell her what made him like this. And Suho would have eventually told her, asking if she knew Kang Seulgi was more than just a friend to his wife.

Jennie, who is Suho's little sister, has been one of the reasons why Joohyun had endured her wrong marriage.

'Let's drop the formality' Jennie had said with a cheeky grin. 'I'm your friend from now on.'

And now she is one of the reasons why Joohyun feels like she is the worst human being on Earth to everyone.

The world is much smaller than Joohyun had thought. Because it turns out Jennie was good friends with Wendy which naturally abled her to know Seulgi too.

"Suho told me everything," Jennie says, breathing heavily to shower down her anger and Joohyun couldn't blame her. "And I just had to coax Wendy a while ago who felt so guilty for not telling me any of this. That you and... Seulgi.." Jennie gulps as if she still couldn't believe it.

Just as she thought. Joohyun weakly laughs, mourning the fact that her guess of tragedies was never wrong.

Jennie's nostrils flared, triggered by her laugh and annoyed by her sister-in-law looking down wordlessly.

"Say something Bae Joohyun!"

Joohyun can feel her body shaking. She had to ball her fists even tighter as she felt Jennie's scream smacking her. 

She never imagined her saying that she loves someone, which is supposed to be the sweetest confession, can hurt this much.

 Joohyun swallows and her blurry eyes help her slowly raise her head to meet Jennie's eyes. But she can still see the disappointment, betrayal and even hurt in Jennie's eyes, piercing straight into her.

"It's true."

No voice, even a sigh, comes out from Jennie's opened mouth. She seems to lose balance as she helplessly sits on the chair next to the table, almost collapsing onto it. Jennie stares into nothing and Joohyun can tell she is struggling to make out what is actually happening. But Joohyun can also read forming the words 'It can't be,' in silence. 

And Joohyun looks down at her hands.

She has no heart to convince her or to even beg for her to understand.

Joohyun was only telling the truth. And that is the reason why she keeps on talking with her trembling lips.

"I thought.. I thought I can't ever marry someone I love. I thought that was the reality. All I ever wanted with her was something she didn't want. And the last thing I wanted was to ruin what we had before."

No, she doesn't deserve to cry. Joohyun tightly closes her eyes to hold back her tears from falling.

"I thought it was right. And that I had to try to make this work because Su-" She purses her lips. "Your brother. Was nothing but the best husband any woman can dream of."

"Then why-"

"But there are some things I can do just by trying." Joohyun meets Jennie's eyes because she has nothing left to feel. She has felt everything too much. "And when I saw her again.. I kept realizing.. things. The reason I called her was not to end it. That I didn't want to end it. And that what I wanted is now what I want with her and only her."

She doesn't know if she should go down on her knees to show how desperate she is.

"I know I'm being selfish. Foul. Disgusting and maybe even the worst. I know how insane I am for doing this. But Jennie, I.. I loved her too much. And I still do. I don't want to be the worst person at least to her if I already am now."

Joohyun manages to stand up, slowly walking toward her sister-in-law with still ajar.

"It's right that people who love each other should be together, isn't it? Me staying here will only make Suho mis-"

"Stop!" Jennie slaps her hand away trying to reach out to hers, snapping the conversation making it break.

"You're not some ten-year-old girl! Doing whatever you want and saying that's right! Even if you regret it if you married someone else it should be over. If you have the responsibility for a family you can't do whatever you want! Do you think you two can be happy together now? What are you going to do about our other family members? Do you think living is a joke? Do you think it's that easy?"

Joohyun knows she shouldn't, but she feels that something finally bursting open like an eruption.

"I'm doing this because it's not a joke!"

"Bae Joohyun!"

"How can this be a joke? No matter how many times I wished this will all be a joke it all just smacks me each and every time so how can I think it's that easy? Tell me! If we can't be happy do you think everyone will be magically happy if I stay by Suho's side? Why does everyone want me to endure all this? Why is everyone so eager to make me end this and be unhappy!"

It's not like she wanted the whole world as hers. Joohyun wasn't the kind of person who wanted everything. All she wanted was to be with someone she loves, being each other's everything. 

They made a mistake. And they are both so willing to fix it. But the world is telling them it's over because of the mistake. That she has to accept the consequence, not minding what she wants and if she is happy or not. 

Her mind feels like clays of emotions crushed up altogether with no particular shape and color. She can't figure out if she is angry or devastated. She doesn't know if she should scream or cry. She is torn with several choices she has no strength to make.

So instead she collapses on the floor, sobbing without a word, beggingly showing how she felt to Jennie who is only looking at her in still evident anger but at the same time with pity.

But Jennie abruptly stands up. And the words of her sentence seemed to penetrate through her inside which has been emptied and filled.

"I can't do this with you. I'm going to talk to Seulgi."

Joohyun almost crawls behind her and forces herself to stand up, shielding Jennie from the front door with her arms spread out even though with just one push Joohyun felt like she could collapse again.

With tears still streaming down her cheeks, Joohyun shakes her head frantically.

"Don't. Please don't do this, Jennie."

"Get out of my way."

"Please don't. Please don't do this to Seulgi."

Something seems to have snapped in Jennie's head. Because the woman in front of her was no longer her sister-in-law. Her look of resentment makes Joohyun's skin crawl in guilt and she harshly pushes Joohyun away. Joohyun, just as she thought, loses her balance and falls onto the marble floor. 

But as soon as Jennie's hand grasps the handle, Joohyun desperately grabs the sleeve of her jacket, thinking of nothing except that she can't let Jennie walk out of that door.

She opens and closes , tears welling up again with each tremble of her lips mouthing please, please, over and over again.

"...Don't."

Maybe Jennie felt the emotions of that one word. She turns around to face Joohyun whose grip of the sleeve tightens.

"Please don't do this. Don't do this to Seulgi.."

".....Joohyun,"

"I can't live without her, Jennie. I can't, Jennie."

Joohyun can't help but kneel down because the weight on her shoulders was too much for her. Only to realize the weight was in her heart that was pulling her down like gravity.

And she feels the presence of Jennie collapsing down beside her, the impact ringing the marble floor.

"What am I going to do with you?" Jennie says, her voice watery, swallowing back her cries.

And Joohyun doesn't know the answer. All she knows is that she doesn't need a life she needs to endure. And that she has only this chance left in her life.

Maybe she is insane. Dramatic. Hopeless. 

But in life, you can never get what you want unless you desperately want it or willing to do anything.

And love just happens to be one of them.

As much as she has endured, tears didn't seem to stop once they were let out. She sobbed almost enough to have trouble breathing and Jennie who had just sighed with mixed thoughts ended up embracing her as a friend but her another sigh was let out as her sister-in-law. 

When Joohyun seemed to have finally calmed down, Jennie had rubbed her back without a word and Joohyun sniffled like a child being coaxed by her mother. 

Jennie seemed to have lost the will to force Joohyun to cancel the divorce. But the bitter look in her eyes told her it was still hard for her to understand and accept.

And before she knew it, Jennie was opening the front door, looking back at Joohyun for the last time before leaving.

'I never thought there would come a day I would regret being your sister-in-law.'

Joohyun had kept her head low, not sure if apologizing was enough.

'Don't regret it.' Jennie had said firmly. 

'Don't you dare regret it.'

And after Jennie left, Joohyun felt a small weight being lifted from her chest. Just enough for her eyes to get heavy, making her fall into a slumber she didn't have for a long time.

Even though it didn't feel like time had passed at all, it was already very dark when Joohyun opened her eyes. As if the darkness swallowed the sun, not allowing even a trace of light to be shown.

Joohyun slowly sits up, her head feeling never heavier and even a little dizzy. It has been a while since she last slept this soundly and her stomach seemed to notice that too, growling in agreement.

She bores a hole on the floor, random thoughts and memories flashing across her head with every blink of her eyes. It took her a while to remember what happened a few hours ago and let that sink in. 

She grabs her phone on the drawer to check the time. And she gapes a little when the time said it is past midnight which meant that her today had become yesterday before she knew it.

Joohyun gets up and tiptoes toward the door, placing her right ear on the wooden surface of the door, using all her instincts to make out what is waiting for her between the door.

But all she hears is silence and not even the sound of someone breathing. So she decides to carefully open the door. First 15 degrees, peeks into the chilly darkness of the living room, then 45, and finally 90. 

Joohyun stares at Suho uncomfortably lying on the sofa and seeing his unshaven face with a smell of alcohol which is robust enough to scrunch up her nose leaves her hunger forgotten.

She can imagine Suho taking shots even though he was never a drinker. Maybe he drank to keep his tears inside or the other way around. 

It was devastating to see him like this. It was a different kind of pain when she had seen Seulgi drunk because of her. And herself being drunk on the day when she announced her marriage to Seulgi.

And she is now too exhausted to be hurt by the fact she experienced another tragedy yet again. 

All she can think is that Suho doesn't deserve to live in this dark house with someone who never thinks of it as home.

Joohyun kneels down beside the sofa without a word. She suspects he will ignore her again when he wakes up but as she reminded herself several times, she has to try. For everything to be right. At least close to right.

After about five minutes, she decides to get a blanket and stands up, feeling her legs shaking a little because of the ache but yelps when she feels a strong grip on her wrist.

She turns and it is hard to see Suho's face in the dark but yes, he was awake.

"Joohyun,"

His voice was raspy and hearing that voice made her feel like her heart was being scratched on a rough surface agonizingly slow.

"Can't you.. Can't you just stay? Even if it's only out of pity can't you please stay?"

She couldn't help but lower her head, not daring to meet his eyes because her crying will only make it worse.

She really did want to. Because Suho was nothing but perfect. 

If only her heart had moved along with her brain none of this would have happened.

Ignoring his pain, leaving him alone with it and leaving further enough for him to give up.

She will always feel sorry for Suho. And that won't ever change even when there comes a time when she is happy. 

She hopes he will never forgive her. Because she is leaving him for herself to be happy as much as he begs her to stay for him to be happy.

"Suho,"

Joohyun finally turns and kneels down again.

And Suho seems to already know what she is about to say just by the tone of her voice. 

He cries so sorrowfully and yet doesn't turn his gaze away from her. And she places a hand on his wet cheek without a word and calls his name again softer than before. 

He places his hand on top of hers and tightly shut his eyes as if he doesn't want to hear her next words even though he already knows.

"...You don't deserve pity or sympathy, Suho."

"......"

"You deserve love."

And she means it. He is too much of a good person to live with an empty shell that doesn't love him back.

Joohyun is sure she will never forget Suho. As a husband but also as a person. 

He will be a scar that never heals and maybe even the kind of person that flashes into her mind when she has only a few seconds left to live. 

And yet. However. Seulgi will always be the last frame of her panorama of memories. 

Another painful truth is learned. Scars and love aren't always the same.

And Joohyun spends the dark morning with Suho crying in her arms, crying his heart out as his world has just ended. 

The only thing she could do is to pat his back, praying that he will be happy as soon as the world allowed.

If there is no way to leave this as a scar, at least let him be happy.

It was annoying how unexpected events happened sometimes too soon.

When she wakes up the next morning after spending the past hours carrying Suho to his bed and her sleeping on the sofa before she knew it. And she realizes by the empty but still messy bed that Suho had already gone to work. 

But what surprises her is the form with its blank space filled and a letter beside it.

I realized now that I can't have the marriage life I wanted with someone I love.

And I'm sorry for trying to make you love me back even though I knew it was right to end this for you to be happy. Maybe I loved you too much to let you go. But I loved you enough to wish for your happiness.

I know I'm going to regret this sooner or later. Maybe for the rest of my life.

But I'm only doing this because I want you to be happy. Only because of your happiness I can't give.

Take care, Joohyun. 

It feels like cold stone bricks are slowly piling up inside not abling her to breathe properly. 

How can she make up for this sin?

How can she be forgiven for hurting someone who lastly said sorry even though he is the victim?

Love was cruel in some way. It made her become the most atrocious sinner.

She holds the letter in her arms and just as Suho did before, she sobs as if she had never cried before.

Joohyun hopes Suho will never forgive her. 

She hopes he will wake up someday, feeling better than ever and live a life she will never deserve.

But Joohyun knows even that hope is only her being selfish.

And all she can do now is to leave without a trace for Suho. For him to only see her in his thoughts and maybe never someday.

She thinks of nothing as she mindlessly packs, trying to ignore how fast her hands moved because she had done this before.

And she looks back at the living room(after cleaning up the whole house, putting away the empty bottles and cigarettes) for the last time.

She pauses and looks down at her left hand, staring at the gold ring on her ring finger.

And all that is left of Bae Joohyun in this house is the gold ring placed on the coffee table with a letter only for the first and the last man in her life.

Nothing can really promise forever. Not even marriage.

Then is it right to give up and dismiss love as something she doesn't need?

But she was only scared because she was that happy with her.

And she wants to trust her only because she loves her that much. Even if the reality keeps showing her that it's going to be hard.

Everything has both sides. Good and bad. 

And this time, she doesn't want to give up being terrified of the other side.

It felt like she was back to being 24 again, coming back to her old apartment which doesn't change at all.

She had carried her suitcase all the way to her workplace and managed to ignore Joy's questioning gaze, thinking to herself that maybe she will tell her when Seulgi comes back. 

And aside from her official divorce, it was an ordinary day. So ordinary that Joohyun had to remind herself what happened every hour.

Now, she is alone in her apartment, exhausted because she had to drag the heavy suitcase all the way back(and she was stupid enough to forget there was public transportation. She had been too used to walking to remember.).

Joohyun decides to leave the unpacking for another day and lies on the untouched bed with a sigh, shivering a little feeling the cold fabric.

What does a person do when they had just gone through a major event in their life?

There are two ways. Doing nothing or trying to think nothing.

And doing nothing only made her drown into her own thoughts. So Joohyun reaches out for her phone and taps the familiar app as soon as she unlocked the screen.

It had become a habit of hers. Scouring through Instagram for no particular reason. She would see people posting pictures of the place they went, the food they've eaten and how happy they had been being there.

And she found herself saving some of the pictures without a thought. 

Unconsciously imagining herself doing the same thing with-

Joohyun puts away her phone, letting out a sigh as if that was necessary for her to breathe and places her forearm over her eyes, leaving her with nothing to see so she can just stop thinking if she can't stop the time.

There was always a tiny voice inside her, whispering 'She'll come back.' that somehow oddly sounded both helpless but hopeful. Helplessly hopeful.

But something is now close to blowing up, screaming 'When?' at that tiny voice, demanding an answer that she doubts the question has.

She tosses and turns