She cried that night, with real sobs and real tears that burned her eyes, it’s been years from the last time. Now she was mourning the only genuine thing, aside from maybe Tiffany friendship, that happened in her life. She was doing it in the deafening silence of her room, because Sunny was supposedly sleeping in the room a few meters from her.

Rethinking of the choices she made the urge to smash her head in the wall was really high.

What was I thinking?

Maybe she wasn’t thinking, for the first in her live she wasn’t, and that was what ruined her. The instinct was useless in her, obviously she couldn’t let her guts to decide for her.

Well, that was the last time.

Now with the face immersed in the soft white pillow, biting on the soft cotton she regretted not thinking a hundred times of what she was about to do that damn evening.

Even so, the faces and the tone of these men when she asked them why Sunny was obligated to work for them, they disgusted her. Her stomach closed completely listening to their answers and she knew in that moment what had to be done.

Not so sure anymore.

It was morning and the Sun was unforgivable to her eyes, they were angry red, maybe she could fake a bad cold at work and go away with it.

Sunny’s room door was closed, she was still sleeping when she got out, so she put a spare key of the apartment on the kitchen table with a note.

Starting the day with no sleep and a heavy weight on her shoulder wasn’t ideal but she had to.

Pit patting on the parquet with on the oversized hoodie Taeyeon gave her to sleep in, she got in the kitchen. She noticed the spare key on the table and rolled it between her fingers, not sure what to do anymore.

She was still very angry, the rage making her eyes fill with tears. It was years since she got to trust anyone and that trust was now lost. Opening the fridge she closed it with much more force than it required, huffing and reopening it again. They were eggs and all kind of vegetables, no instant food, well she could make a decent omelet.

Now life and future was ahead of her and it looked really scary, she didn’t know what to do, other than call a taxi and get her stuff back from the now old apartment.

Sunny huffed again, catching Taeyeon perfume on the hoodie, feeling her heart miss a beat, that was another problem she didn’t like to think about. She could sense her feelings under the ashes of her anger, they weren’t going to go away.

Love is a powerful drug, capable to mash thoughts inside your head, mess your morals and make you do stupid things. But like every drug, it’s addicting, you just want more, you want it to last and that mostly just hurt you in the end.

Collecting the four boxes and a trolley full of mostly clothes and videogames on the sidewalk she paid the taxi-driver. As the man drove away she regarded her belongings, feeling a bit fortunate she didn’t have much to carry around this time.

At least the building had a very big elevator.

She threw away everything that reminded her of the job, all the outfits, the lingerie they made her put on while she worked, it felt lighter in a way. Now it was her choice to dress provocatively for someone or for herself, it felt good.

Thinking at Taeyeon face was not, thought. The disgusted face she made seeing her dressed like that, doing what she did for years. It burned in her eyes, printed like a photograph in her mind.

How could they move on from that.

It was simple, they couldn’t.

“Oh, I could’ve helped you moving in.” Sunny saw the blonde enter the apartment with an exhausted face and for a moment felt bad, just a moment thought.

She was still moving her stuff from the boxes and in the too big mahogany wardrobe in her temporary room.

“I am not moving in, this is all temporary.” She heard the fallen smile even not seeing her face.

The sounds of feet on the parquet told her that Taeyeon was now in the room. “Right.” Was all the other girl had to say apparently. Then rethinking it. “Have you eaten yet?” The awkward tension made the baby hair on her nape stand up, she cringed a bit.

“Well no, but just to be clear, I can’t cook.” She pushed the rest of her underwear in a drawer and closed it hard.

Taeyeon shocked face at the mess that was already her room didn’t impress her. She cleared . “How about we get some delivery, I don’t feel like cooking tonight either.”

The anger took an hold of her again, the intimacy she wanted before now it felt like a betrayal, something imposed to her. So she just shrugged. “Do whatever you want.”

She heard the inhale at her back and for a moment her subconscious feared an angry response, a violent one. But instead Taeyeon retreated, she followed the sounds of feet until they reached her own room.

Biting her lower lip she felt bad, again. Taeyeon would never even yell at her.

It wasn’t empowering it was just painful.

The bell ringed and she heard Taeyeon talk to a male voice and then the smell arrived, she followed her nose. The blonde smiled tightly at her, all the make up gone made her look so much younger and tired.

“I took liberty to order something, I decided to go surely and got you an hamburger with fries. They are beers in the fridge, too.” She was already opening hers, sitting on the floor using the low table in front of the TV.

It wasn’t a way to sweetener her mood, Sunny saw all the intentions in boundless onyx eyes, Taeyeon was trying just to make her feel better. Giving her the choice to eat in her room too. But watching the girl give a big bite of her double burger she wasn’t sure of her wish to be alone anymore.

So taking her meal and few beers in the fridge she sat near Taeyeon, watching the girl tense for a moment, not even turning her face to look at her side. Their knees brushed and she felt almost normal in that moment.

The tv was on the news but it was all a soundtrack, background rumor, she felt domesticity for the first time in forever but was still forced, it was sweet but with a bitter aftertaste.

“Do you like it? Did I guess right?” Her voice was so hopeful, almost a begging tone.

It tempered her rage. “It is really good, thank you. I don’t recognize the brand thought.”

“Oh, well it is from a restaurant I go sometimes, for work mostly.” From this close she could see the pale face take a bit of color, she missed seeing her smile, her dimples. She missed kissing her, she almost leaned to take one but her pride reminded her of why she shouldn’t.

Gripping the soft carpet between the fingers of one hand she sipped her beer, pushing away all the thoughts of lips, hands and fingers tracing her skin. “So it is from a fancy place, I should’ve known.” With the corner of her eye she saw Taeyeon nod, the lines on her forehead relaxing a bit. “You look tired.” It escaped from .

She chuckled bitterly. “It wasn’t my best day, I’ll admit it.” She turned a bit looking at her like she held the solution of all her problems. “I won’t lie, having you here with me, getting to look at you, it makes me feel better already.” And then she smiled while her eyes seemed like they could cry in every moment.

It felt like a stab right in her lungs, it took her breath away for a moment. “Don’t say things like that, I am not forgiving you.” She must stay strong, stay put.

But Taeyeon didn’t seem fazed. “I know, I know, I just wanted to tell you.” And kept eating as if nothing happened.

It sounded so much like a vow, an oath. She didn’t need it, a promise is meant to be broken, if you draw a line it is only natural to cross it.

“Do- do you want to watch something with me? Just to pass the time.”

Sunny heard the peaceful request for what it was, an olive branch and she couldn’t find in her heart enough wrath to say no. “Ok, but you are not choosing alone this time.”

Taeyeon snorted, passing the remote control to her. “It is all yours.”

It went on for about a week, Sunny would say few necessary words to her and that was it. She barely smiled, her voice was low all the time, not cheery like she used to hear it.

She couldn’t do much, having apologized several times, but the mess was already made and she understood that they couldn’t go back and make it right.

Sunny was trying to find a job she could like, and she at least was happy that the girl could choose what to do freely. Even so she didn’t have a filled curriculum so it was hard to start.

“You know, you could hire her as your secretary.” Tiffany was seated in front of her, sipping her morning ice americano, while it was absolutely freezing outside.

She scoffed. “Sure, she’d be really happy to have a job which I pay for and I’d totally made up just for her.”

Tiffany tapped her long nails on the glass, eyeing now the bar. It was the café right under her studio, they’d usually meet here in the morning before starting the day. “You are right. What about the café?”

She raised her eyebrows skeptically. “What about it?”

“Well, they do pay the rent to you, and most of the clients are your lawyers and staff. You know they are searching for a new waitress slash barista… they wouldn’t say no to you if you’d recommend her…” And then she flipped her hair like she a bloody genius.

Maybe she was.

Taeyeon thought about it, finding the idea of imposing not enjoyable but for Sunny, she could do it.

“Oh come on, tell me I am right and that I saved your . Praise me!”

She huffed but raised her hands in defeat. “Yeah, yeah, you saved my , thank you.”

The pouting girl she found on the couch returning from work made her heart sink, she was in her grey long hoodie that was never returned to her owner, surfing between the channels on the tv. The fact that she was still wearing it from time to time made several metaphorical butterflies soar in her tummy. 

“Hey, a bad day?” Taeyeon lose her heels on the doorsteps and sighed of relief for her aching feet.

Sunny just shrugged with the hood on head and her hands disappearing in the sleeves.

She smiled a bit, at the cuteness and at the fact that maybe she was going to help. Stepping out of her fancy lawyer clothes, pants and a pastel blouse, she opened a bottle of good wine and poured two glasses.

The brunette thanked her with an half fake smile, that was for education only.

“I don’t know if it may interest you, but today Tiffany made me notice that the Café under my studio is searching for a waitress slashes barista.” She sipped her wine waiting for Sunny to elaborate and answer.

The insecurity behind those round eyes touched something deep inside. “But I am not qualified, they’re not going to take me.”

Taeyeon took another sip. “For what I know the owners are really nice people, and they have young workers. I am just saying you could give it a try if you want.”

Sunny watched her for a moment, meeting her eyes for the first times in days. She saw something melt even if for just a second.

“Here, I got the flyer for you with the numbers and everything.” She was still not very convinced but took the paper and observed it carefully.

The blonde tried to act nonchalantly watching Tv and drinking her wine, instead she really hoped Sunny would call and give it a try.

“Mmmh maybe I’ll try tomorrow and see how it goes, I got nothing anyway.” Taeyeon nodded encouraging and looked away when the need to kiss her nose got to .

It was like that sometimes, she forgot for an instant why she couldn’t touch, she couldn’t kiss or treat Sunny the way she wanted, but then she remembers and it is like a punch right into the guts, taking her breath away.

Especially in moments like this when she wanted nothing else but to cuddle, to enjoy her warm skin, to cradle into the sweet scent of her hair.

It hurt, it really hurt.