𝐢'𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮
'𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧
𝐢'𝐦 𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐢 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐝 𝐬𝐚𝐲

Turned out it was a senior. I didn’t know much about him even though I had seen his face around the library and I had always had high expectations of people who went to the library. His name was Harry, but after they got together two days after we had that talk, his name was ‘Baby’ on Irene’s phone complete with a heart emoji. He wasn’t that good-looking, but he had great curly hair that Irene always loved to touch. He was a great listener, and because of that he had somehow integrated himself into our circle and now the five of us ate lunch together—not without Joy’s look of disapproving concern at me still. But we liked having him around. He was funny and goofy, and he also gave great advice and insight. There was completely no reason for me to not like him. Except when I saw him with her.

Ever since I first found out about my feelings for Irene Bae, I never really thought I would ever have a chance with her. So I dismissed that thought and told myself to become content with being someone who could stand by her side. And so even until now, the idea of being able to hold her hand, hug her, or just being close to her was an idea that I could only satiate as her friend. I never allowed my mind to wander into a utopian world where she and I were together. A world that didn’t exist. And so with an expectation that wasn’t there, I figured the hurt and disappointment would also not be present when I saw them together. But boy, was I wrong.

Turned out believing that I didn’t have a chance with her and letting go of the idea was not the same as not having the desire to be the only one close to her.

People liked to be special, and I knew sometimes I wished to be one more so than others. All this time, Irene was not mine, but she also wasn’t anyone else’s. I was the only one who went out to scout street foods with her and the only one who got to be so close to her other than Wendy. But now in addition to her being someone else’s, I also started to feel like she was slipping away from me.

I was sitting in the library when Irene decided to plop down on the seat in front of me. Usually I wouldn’t have any problem with that. She always did that. My chest started to squeeze delightfully at the thought that we could still manage to do our thing even with Harry in the picture—it’s been a long time since we last hung out in the library together, but then she pulled Harry down next to her.

“I’m sorry to intrude, Seulgi.” He smiled politely as he took the seat next to Irene in front of me.

I wanted to wipe that smile off his face so bad. I didn’t need his sorry. Instead of being so polite and kind, I wanted him to be an so bad. That way it would be easier for me to hate him and easier for me to persuade Irene into breaking up with him. But no matter how much I looked for it, I still couldn’t find a single unpleasant trait on him. It frustrated me to no end.

“It’s okay, Harry. I know how annoying Irene can be.” I smiled, chest squeezing though not so delightfully anymore.

“Don’t be an , Seul.” Irene glared at me playfully and I only showed her a well-practiced fake smirk. I found myself faking a lot of things lately. I should be playing on a movie some day.

I continued to focus on my books, and Harry pulled out his own, moving to start studying himself.

I was studying thermodynamics when I decided to wonder why the two was hushing. Irene was never the quiet learner, always asking things and commenting on everything, but this wasn’t the kind of noise you’d make when you were asking things. I had a bad feeling about that sound. The sight in front of me was enough to make my blood boil.

Harry was just minding his own business, studying what looked like some math. Irene didn’t even have her books out. She was annoying Harry, pulling on his hair, poking his cheeks, playing with his hands, and I pretty much had had enough of it.

I was rational enough to not slam my hand on the table, but I also was irrational enough to say:

“Can you ing stop it, Rene? You’re seriously being annoying. I see you all up on him every ing minute of every day. Isn’t it enough that Wendy, Joy, and I have to sit and watch you being all lovey-dovey on lunch? Just what’s the point of you coming here if you’re just gonna disturb people who are actually trying to study? It’s not that I don’t like you two together. Believe me, I do. But you’re being a nuisance flaunting your relationship like that to everyone who—guess what?—apparently doesn’t care.” I closed my book and shouldered my bag, standing up to leave.

“You know I come here for a piece of quiet to study. Now I can’t do that because of you. So unless you actually wanna come here and study. Please don’t sit anywhere near me.”

And with that I left the two alone feeling like I had just let out the breath I had been holding for days.

-

I avoided Irene for days after that. She kept on trying to approach me, but I always went out of my way to make sure I didn’t see her. I ate lunch with Joy—thankfully Wendy didn’t ask questions. I went home right after school instead of hanging around at the library like I usually did. I sat far away from her, and if I saw her on the hallway, I immediately went to the other way. It wasn’t easy, but it was manageable. I was also starting to think of it as a chance to put some space between us so I could move on from her. I thought less of her and I felt like I was finally getting some air after being underwater for so long. It was probably the best thing I had ever done.

Harry’s arms were still around her whenever I saw them on the hall, so they were fine—not like I wished they weren’t. But there were moments when—my mind was definitely playing tricks on me—I could feel her looking at me from all the way over on the other end of the hallway, and when I looked up, her eyes were already focused on Harry or whomever she was talking to. It wasn’t only on the hallway. She also stared at me on lunch and inside the classroom. It made me uneasy. So I went to confront her about it.

Probably the dumbest move I’d ever made.

I texted her that we need