(A/N) : I couldn't sleep so here I am writing it all down in one full go. (so please ignore the errors, I'll edit it as soon as I get a chance lol) 

A short sequel of my three-shot series, Without You

Date: November 17, 2020

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The loud laughters and shrieks slid its way to her room through the small linear hallow between her door and the floor. How long has she been in her room? Probably an hour or two and that also means that the source of the commotion outside her room has been in their shared dorm for that long too. 

She excused herself earlier, saying she's tired from their schedule and needed a little rest, but in all honesty.. the reason why she did what she did was just solely because she can't stand being in the same room with her.

Don't get her wrong, she does not hate her — she never did and will never hate her — or maybe she does.. she hates her for making her feel this way. She hates her for making her feel the sorrow and the regret she has been carrying for over 2 years now. She hates the fact that she can't hate her because obviously, none of this was the woman's fault.

It is her fault.

Perhaps, she just hates herself.

Right.

She HATES herself.

She hates herself for being a fool. A fool who did nothing but to deny everything and ended up having her arse getting bit by her own foolishness.

She hates herself for being a coward. A coward who couldn't even come in terms with her feelings until it was all too late. She could still clearly remember that night when they had a short talk after such a long time of casually avoiding each other. If only she could be as brave as the other  was, maybe things would be different this time.

She hates herself for not letting herself be selfish for once. There were a lot of instances where she could've confessed, but she finds herself backing away even before she could even take a step forward.

She hates herself for falling for someone who has now moved on.

Yes, she moved on.

Lisa moved on and Jennie, the coward, had fallen for her.

Yes, a loop. A ing loop.

Jennie really had no idea when and how.. or maybe she did but she just kept shoving it to the side. Maybe that's it. You can't blame her though, she was desperate to invalidate her feelings back then. She thought it was just a phase because, news flash (it's sarcasm by the way), it's always just the four of them together. So maybe because of the that, she got way too carried away and attached. 

Too desperate to invalidate her feelings that she agreed on giving that guy a try. She was not really attracted to him though but he was. She agreed to give it a try by giving him their first date and surprisingly enough, she had fun. He was fun, who would've thought. A date came with another one, so on and so forth until he officially and formally asked her to be his girlfriend.

Ecstatic to finally realize that she wasn't weird, she said yes. It had its blissful months despite the hiding but it all just got messy when Dispatch lit up their own fireworks and announced their relationship to the public on January 1st. 

She then couldn't stand the scrutiny and silence so she ended up breaking it all off with him just days after that. Scrutiny from the media and public and silence from Lisa.

Before the dating news was revealed, Lisa had finally soften up on her. She was elated to finally be part of an exchange where Lisa initiated the conversation. It was not the same as before but she took anything more than the fact that Lisa tried to avoid her like a plague for 2 years.

Two days after the dating news dropped, Lisa moved out of their dorm and transfered to the other room just a floor above them. She said it's because her family is growing after adding more feline in her life but Jennie knew her dating news was probably Lisa's last straw to be around her.

Since then, Lisa rarely goes down to meet them. It's either Chaeyoung or Jisoo will go up to spend some time with her. 

The absence of Lisa's presence became the root cause of everything.

You see, Jennie knew when and how did she reciprocate the feeling. She knows. She knew too damn well that she somehow had intimate feelings towards the younger but too afraid to admit it. Those times when she would randomly look for Lisa, those times when she would randomly say she miss her.. those were all genuine.

But.. when Lisa confessed, her mind went straight to her old and buried fear that she might be different from the norm and she can't accept that. Instead of sorting it out properly, she started avoiding Lisa.

She avoided her on and off cam for months until Lisa just went on it and avoided her too. It was messy. She was messy. Oh scratch that, she is still messy.

She was too deep in her thoughts that she didn't realize the loud sounds earlier are now gone. Jennie sighs, her eyes are looking at the view outside her window while her hand is gently caressing her pup's soft hair. 

It's raining outside. How timely and dramatic this is.

Lisa started going back to their dorm for casual visits just 5 months after she moved out. And since then, Jennie would always excuse herself to retreat in her room or just says she's going to her mum's house for a visit.

Until her visits became regular and she now stays there most of the time. She would only stay in their dorm if they have projects together and also because of the fact that she can't stay there any longer if Lisa is around.

She wonders if the pain she's experiencing was the same pain Lisa once had when she was in her situation. She wonders how did Lisa endure it because honestly speaking, Jennie is barely surviving. It is hard waking up in the morning realizing the she'd done and now she's regretting it.

Would it be different if she had confessed? Let me tell you this, there was no day in Jennie's life after she came in terms with her feelings towards the youngest that she was not thinking about the idea of being able to hold, kiss and hug Lisa.

Pathetic, right? Yes, pathetic.

She could've had all of such if she wasn't a fool.She could've had Lisa as hers if she wasn't a coward.

She should've confessed. 

She should've given it a try. 

She should have. 

However, that would be selfish. She had hurt Lisa for too long and for too much and for her to just waltz in and just say she loves her would be totally unfair. She couldn't let herself be that