A/N: I'm not gonna say much, except the fact that I, as the author, cried writing this chapter. Slight mention of suicide. You might wanna prepare a box of tissues :-)))

Yubin stepped forward, careful not to graze Donghae’s body as she sat on the mattress, smiling softly.

“Gosh, Donghae, an accident right after what we did last night?” She sighed, shaking her head softly. “I can’t believe it. Should’ve sent you home by car.”

“Yubin, could you maybe not…” Donghae blinked his eyes, only then recalling that his best friend was still in the room. “Hyukjae, mind giving us a moment?”

Hyukjae looked up, lips parted as he darted his eyes at the mention of his name. “S-sure. I’ll just… I’ll wait outside.”

“Thanks, Hyukjae.”

Hyukjae took several steps back, wide-eyed, glaring at Yubin like he’d just seen a ghost. He bumped into an IV bag pole, stumbling about clumsily before straightening up and making his way towards the door two steps at a time. Yubin turned around, frowning at Donghae.

“Aren’t you gonna tell him who I am?” she asked, reaching out to rub the cast on Donghae’s arm as gently as she could. She couldn’t see it, but she just knew Donghae was shaking his head.

“Not the right time to,” Donghae said matter-of-factly. “Don’t tell him. I don’t want him throwing a fit, and besides, what do I tell him? That you were supposed to be a buddy of mine?”

Yubin rolled her eyes. “You could just say I’m a friend of yours, idiot. Why do you and Kyuhyun seem to share the same brain?”

“Why do you and Kyuhyun share the same blood?” Donghae scoffed. “You’re just like him.”

“Whoa, relax, Donghae. Why the hostility?”

“I—it’s just—it’s been a really long day, okay. I couldn’t even sleep for god knows what reason even though they administered some sort of anaesthetic. My body ing hates me. Oh and, why are you here dressed like that?”

Yubin grinned, pulling at her dress to emphasise how pretty she thought it looked. “What, don’t I look good? I was supposed to go clubbing, but after Kyuhyun gave me a call, I took a cab down. Couldn’t let your die while I’m out somewhere drinking and dancing the night away now, could I?”

Donghae clicked his tongue. “I’m starting to think I should shoo and ban you from entering this room. Where’s Kyu?”

“The moron is on his way,” Yubin told him. “If you heard how much he was complaining on his way here, you’d ask him to turn right around and go back to sleep. He’s such a .”

“I know.”

Yubin looked up, blinking her eyes profusely as she scanned all the wires curled around the bed, attached to Donghae here and there. Several different monitors were beeping, some reading the beat of his heart, others reading the rate of his respiration etcetera, etcetera. She thanked her lucky stars the man in front of her survived the accident, not knowing how she’d have felt or what she’d do if he hadn’t. If he hadn’t survived it, she knew that one of her priorities would’ve been to help Hyukjae back onto his feet. The blond meant so much to him.

“Do you remember what happened?” Yubin asked, moving forward so she could Donghae’s cheek. For some odd reason, it was only then that she realised how Donghae felt like… a little brother to her, setting aside the fact that they were supposed to have the first night they met like, what, two or three nights ago? Good god. “Do you remember what led up to the accident? What happened after? Like, were you conscious?”

Donghae pursed his lips, turning his eyes to look at the fingers brushing against his cheek. “Mm, yeah. I kinda remember everything. Not sure if that’s a good thing or not. Think the motorbike skidded and I got thrown off into a truck.”

“What the fu—”

“I really thought I was gonna die. Flashbacks and all… and Hyukjae. I couldn’t stop thinking about him even as I was flying in the air like a shuttlecock. That’s not all. For some god forsaken reason, I was still conscious even as I hit the ground and miraculously got onto my feet like what, half an hour later?”

Yubin frowned. “Then what?”

“I got up. I probably looked like , bleeding everywhere. Don’t know how I managed to get up or whether or not it ed up my spine… even if it did, I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t really feel anything,” Donghae explained, wiggling his fingers. “Pushed the bike into the carpark and got home. Hyukjae was sleeping on the sofa, so me being me, I took advantage of that until I dropped dead on the floor.”

“How the fu… how did you pick up and push a motorbike in that condition? You’re crazy,” Yubin remarked, shaking her head as she retracted her hand, staring at Donghae’s fingers. “You even had the time to… what did you do to Hyukjae?”

Donghae smiled gently. “I kissed him. I kissed him so many times my mouth might’ve fallen off. Maybe the paramedics put it back on for me. Really though, I couldn’t stop kissing him. I kept thinking that… if this was how I’m gonna die, if I can’t die in the arms of the one I love, then I wanted to, at the very least, die feeling him against me. You’d get it if you were me.”

“First off, shut up. You’re gonna make me cry and I can’t afford Kyuhyun seeing that. He’ll never let me live. Secondly,” Yubin paused, glancing at the door before turning back to beam at Donghae. “No wonder Hyukjae had blood all over his shirt and cheeks and hair. For a moment I thought he’d attempted to murder you.”

“Great minds think alike! That’s exactly what I said to him,” Donghae laughed, sighing at the recollection of his best friend reacting adorably when he’d said that to him. “Anyway, yeah, please help me to tell him to take a shower and look after himself. I told him to, but knowing him and his stubborn , he’ll probably pretend I didn’t say anything.”

Yubin shrugged. “I’m not sure me telling him is such a good idea, Donghae… the man is terrified of me. Didn’t you see it from the way he reacted after you told him to leave us alone?” She reached out to adjust the wire of a needle pierced into the back of Donghae’s hand. “Anyway, is that guy outside Siwon? The Siwon you were telling us about?”

Donghae twitched his lips. “Yeah, I saw the way he reacted… but… I feel sorry, but I just can’t explain things to Hyukjae right now. He’s already so overwhelmed and worried about me. Talking to him about you is only gonna make things worse. And yes,” he rolled his eyes, “that’s Siwon.”

“Holy ,” Yubin gasped, covering dramatically. “He’s drop dead gorgeous. Is he bi? Please tell me he’s bi. If Hyukjae doesn’t want him, I call dibs. Hyukjae looks mighty fine in real life too. Your life is filled with good-looking men. Wish I could say the same.”

“Yeah, yeah, drop dead gorgeous.. Could you maybe pay attention to the person who could’ve actually dropped dead here? Don’t tell me you came all the way here to ogle over my best friend and his very gay potential boyfriend.” Donghae groaned. “Besides, you have Kyu. He’s pretty swell, no?”

Yubin almost, almost reached out to smack Donghae across the forehead, but she held back. Thank god. One smack across the forehead could’ve thrown the man in front of her into a literal fit. “He’s my cousin, first of all, and he looks like a rotten potato. I wouldn’t even look in his direction if he weren’t my cousin.”

“That’s mean.”

“I take pride in being mean when it comes to Kyuhyun.”

Donghae chuckled. “The two of you really are blood-related afterall. Anyway, Yubin... “

“Yep?”

“Could you get me a drink?”

Yubin searched the room for a water dispenser. “Sure, but I don’t see any dispensers—”

“No,” Donghae interrupted. “A soda or something.”

Yubin shook her head promptly, wagging her index finger. “No can do, Donghae. No sweet drinks for you.”

“No, not a sweet drink,” Donghae resisted, pouting. “Isotonic drink. C’mon, the doc said it’s fine. Something about making sure I stay hydrated and .”

Yubin sighed, slackening her shoulders. “Fine. I’ll get you one. I’m leaving my purse on the chair, just so you know, so no one steals it.”

“Uh,” Donghae contorted his face awkwardly. “You do know that even if someone steals your purse from right under my nose, I still wouldn’t be able to do something about it, right?”

Yubin paused, thinking deeply before breaking into a sheepish smile. “You’re right. Hah, oh god, I’m becoming as stupid as Kyuhyun. I need to wake up. Anyway, stay here.”

“I have no choice, Yubin.”

“Right. I’m just gonna… I’ll… be right back.”

Yubin picked up her purse, giving Donghae one last look as she laughed, shaking her head at the thought of a man who somehow made her think of a little brother smiling back at her. She turned the handle and went out the door in search of Donghae’s drink. On her way down the corridor, she passed by Hyukjae. The blond had his head bowed, stealing secret glances at her as he walked slowly. Yubin knew he was looking at her, so she smiled softly, nodding slightly as she made her way towards the lobby in search of a vending machine.

Hyukjae nodded back gently at the lady, no, Yubin as she walked by him, reeking of a sickeningly sweet, strawberry scented perfume. Strawberry scented. I can’t smell your strawberry soap, so you stink. For some strange reason, Donghae’s playful jab now felt like a pinch in the gut, painful, stinging. He knew Donghae didn’t actually mean it, and besides, it’s not like what he said had any bitterness sewn into it after all, but it made Hyukjae flinch at the thought of how it could’ve implied that he… didn’t smell like her. Was he thinking too much? Maybe. He couldn’t help it though. He was so disappointed in Donghae and he had no idea how to get over it.

Why was he disappointed in his best friend? There were several reasons nibbling at his skin like mice to a piece of cheese. The first reason was that Donghae had cheated his feelings. He remembered the dinner they had on Valentine’s Day, the night where Hyukjae had first learned that Donghae liked, with inverted commas, men. He had said it with so much certainty that, despite being taken aback, Hyukjae believed him. He believed every word that left the man’s lips really, because in the past twenty years, Donghae never knew how to play bluff. He was a terrible liar, and regardless, he never saw the need to lie unless he had to keep a secret, secrets like surprising Hyukjae on his birthdays. That sort of thing. Knowing now that Donghae had played him like a fool, misplacing the blond’s trust like it had never mattered to him in the first place, Hyukjae was hurt. He was hurt and he couldn’t even show it, because Donghae would probably think he was overreacting. He’d have to keep this feeling to himself for a little while longer. Hounding Donghae for an explanation while he was in this condition was the last thing he wanted to do. He could still laugh and fool around with Donghae. Nothing could change that about the two of them, but ever since the morning Hyukjae found a stranger’s dress on the floor, Hyukjae could never really look Donghae in the eye. He didn’t want to. He might’ve been able to stare at him straight in the eye literally, but he avoided staring at him for too long. It made everything hurt. Hyukjae didn’t want to feel hurt. He’d felt it many times before, and pain was exactly what he had been running from all this while, struggling to heal from his wounds. Why was it that no matter what Hyukjae did, the wounds just didn’t seem to heal? Why was it that as soon as they showed signs of reparation, another misfortune would come around and rip them open again? Hyukjae didn’t deserve this. He knew he didn’t deserve this, but what could he do? He was trying his best, immersing himself in work being the hard worker that he was, and when he wasn’t working, he spent his time with the one person who always brought a smile to his face, or Siwon. He was a hermit. He didn’t really spend his time with anyone else.

As the days went by, however, Donghae didn’t seem to make him as happy as he used to.

The second reason he was disappointed in Donghae, was that the man acted as if nothing had happened. As if lying to Hyukjae about his uality wasn’t bad enough, Donghae remained mum about what he did with a woman the night before Hyukjae returned from Jeju. Hyukjae had the heart to forgive Siwon for what happened that night because at the very least, Siwon had admitted to how he felt about everything and showed remorse over his actions—even though Siwon was misunderstood all the time, all in all, he was a good person. Hyukjae acknowledged that. Donghae, on the other hand… Hyukjae was so disappointed in his best friend, and yet he couldn’t speak a word about it. He didn’t want to kick up a fuss over something that Donghae assumed he didn’t know about. If Donghae really wanted Hyukjae to know about his relationship with someone, or how they spent the night frolicking in their house, Donghae would tell him, wouldn’t he? It was important. Their friendship had always been a transparent one. When one went through something, they would tell the other, and they’d comfort one another until everything was alright again. This time, however, Hyukjae seemed to know everything, while Donghae acted like he did not. Hyukjae was so thoroughly upset. He knew Donghae was aware of Siwon’s feelings for him, and he had told Donghae that he might’ve had feelings for Siwon too the afternoon before they’d gone to watch the soccer match. He made it clear to Donghae, because best friends are honest with each other, no? So why was Donghae acting like this? Even as he laid there on a hospital bed, even as Yubin walked into the room, Donghae still hadn’t said anything. Hyukjae wasn’t even sure if Yubin was the girl from that night, but for now, he would assume she was unless Donghae told him otherwise. That is, if he would ever admit to it in the first place. It didn’t seem like he would though. Hyukjae wasn’t sure if he should confront Yubin about it. How awkward would it be if he asked her who she was to Donghae and she only told him she was his friend? For all he knew, whatever Yubin were to tell him could be a fabricated lie. Who knew, maybe Donghae and Yubin had planned this. Maybe they had agreed to keep the relationship a secret so Hyukjae would continue believing that Donghae was gay… but… why would Donghae lie about it? What did he gain from lying about it? Was it so that Donghae could date freely without Hyukjae knowing? Was it because Donghae thought Hyukjae wouldn’t suspect a thing if the former went out with girls? What was the reason? He tried searching for one but to no avail. He was so conflicted. To ask him or not? What right did he have? Who cares if they were best friends. Privacy was a given, and Hyukjae shouldn’t meddle with his best friend’s privacy just because they’d known each other for so long. That was basic respect.

If only Donghae knew how much Hyukjae had cried about him the night he came home from his dinner with Siwon.

Hyukjae’s body was there in the hospital, sitting on a bench next to Siwon, but his soul had left him. It went far, far away, and he wasn’t sure if it would ever come back. Not that it matters. Even if his soul were to return, he doubted he’d be able to feel anything at all.

The last reason why Hyukjae was disappointed in Donghae, amongst other things, was because despite all the things he’d done to Hyukjae, he still expected Hyukjae to stay. Donghae assumed that he would always stick around; that he could do anything he wanted and the blond would always give in to him. While that was true to a certain extent, Hyukjae couldn’t help but to feel like Donghae barely cared about his feelings at all… and it was only just beginning to dawn upon him after years of friendship. The feeling of learning a truth that completely contradicted what you believed all your life wasn’t something Hyukjae would want anyone to go through. If he were to put anyone in his shoes, they’d sympathise with him. They’d understand why it hurt him so, so bad. Picture this.

Hyukjae was born out of wedlock, cradled in the arms of a loving mother. Her name was Eunjung. Hyukjae didn’t have a father, no, but he assumed that his surname was Lee because… that was his mother’s surname too. Eunjung had dark, wavy hair and bright doe eyes. Hyukjae swore that if one were to look into her eyes, they’d experience a love like no other; she had glass in her eyes—glass that reflected kindness, internal beauty. Just like Hyukjae’s, she had a little button nose, rounded at the tip and beneath her nose, once again just like Hyukjae’s, were plump lips. Hyukjae knew she smiled a lot while she was alive. He just knew it.

He didn’t have many memories of his mother. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t recall anything much. Sometimes, he’d hear her voice cooing, whispering to him in his sleep… maybe even when he was having a really hard time, but that was all. It was a faint, distant memory that only bubbled up in his mind every now and then, and as time went by, his memory of his own mother faded more and more. He couldn’t do anything about it.

At the age of seven, Hyukjae witnessed his mother crying at the dining table nearly everyday, teardrops staining several sheets of paper nestled on her lap. There were torn envelopes all over the table and floor, and as Hyukjae watched his mother cry, he couldn’t seem to do anything. He was afraid. He was afraid to see the one person who was ever so strong, breaking down in the kitchen on her own. He didn’t understand why she was crying, but he knew it was because of the papers she held in her delicate hands. He would’ve asked her, but he knew that as soon as he’d step into the kitchen, she would wipe her tears dry and act like everything was fine, smiling that signature gummy smile of hers; the one that he inherited. He’d watch from afar, one hand holding the door frame while the other hid behind his back, holding onto a drawing that he’d done of him and his mother that day. Each and every time, he’d hesitate giving his drawing to her, hiding it beneath his bed instead.

Hyukjae played with Donghae at his house everyday. When his mother was at work, he would sit on the floor, building all sorts of things with Donghae—cars, trucks, buildings and the likes of it. They’d share their Lego blocks, playing gleefully, and every now and then, Donghae’s mother would call and ask them to go to the kitchen to have some snacks and milk. When Hyukjae played with Donghae, he’d forget all of his worries. He’d forget the homework he had in his backpack and the unfinished drawings he left under his bed. He’d forget how hungry he was, and how he hadn’t had lunch that day because he simply didn’t have enough money. He’d forget finding his mother in the kitchen, crying so hard her lungs would begin to give way. He’d forget that he couldn’t do anything about it.

“Are you okay?” Five-year-old Donghae asked one afternoon, frowning as he ducked his head to look at Hyukjae. “Are you sad? Want eomma to make something for us? I’ll ask her to make us chocolate sandwiches.”

Seven-year-old Hyukjae didn’t understand what he was feeling inside, so all he did was nod silently and watch as his friend dropped his blocks, stood up and skipped towards the kitchen. While Donghae was away, Hyukjae picked up two figurines; one of a woman, and the other of a boy. He built a little house, a colourful one, and he placed the figurines inside it, smiling sadly to himself. He picked up another figurine, a man this time, placing it in the house. He thought about some of the things he learned in school—about people and the community and… family. In a family, there is a father, a mother and their children. That was what his teacher had said, to which Hyukjae frowned, utterly confused. I don’t have a father, he’d said, followed by an awkward silence in the air. His teacher had beckoned him forward after the lesson and given him a hug. Hyukjae wasn’t sure why she did.

“I want a dog,” Hyukjae mumbled to himself, picking up a little dog figurine. He arranged it in the house, next to the man, woman and boy. He smiled to himself as he pulled away, admiring his little masterpiece. He looked up, glancing at the huge family portrait hanging on the wall—a picture of Donghae and his brother seated on his father and mother’s laps. A complete family.

“I want a family like Donghae’s too,” he said softly, picking up another figurine of a boy, adding it to the others in the little house. A family, he thought to himself, I want a family.

And yet, after chomping down all the chocolate sandwiches Donghae’s mother had made them and drinking cup after cup of full cream milk, Hyukjae found himself playing with blocks and watching television with Donghae for one hour, two hours, three, four… the day had eased into night, moon shining brightly in the navy blue sky. Donghae and Hyukjae were in the former’s room now, drawing and colouring on scraps of drawing block. Hyukjae drew what he’d made earlier that day, smiling contentedly as his drawing came to life in his mind.

“What’s that?” Donghae asked, putting his crayon on the floor.

“My family,” Hyukjae said simply, pointing as he spoke. “There’s my father, mother, brother and me. Oh and our dog. I’m naming him Choco.”

Donghae beamed. “Wow, your family’s a lot like mine.”

“Yeah, it is.”

They hadn’t realised how Donghae’s father had been calling and calling, frustrated as he rang her number over and over again, dialing frantically on the telephone. Donghae’s mother, on the other hand, had been banging on their neighbour’s front door hundreds and hundreds of times but to no avail. Where was she?

“Appa says you’ll stay over for the night!” Donghae exclaimed, shoving his cuddle buddy into Hyukjae’s arms. “You can sleep with Jerry. Jerry always makes me sleep well.”

Hyukjae smiled, hugging Jerry tightly and giving him a light sniff—which he regretted immediately. Jerry smelled like snot and saliva. Gross. He climbed into the little Formula 1 bed, tugging the blanket over him as Donghae grinned, blinking profusely at him.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just… you’ll be my best friend, won’t you?”

Hyukjae pushed Jerry against the little one’s face, laughing sheepishly.

“Goodnight, Donghae.”

“Goodnight, best friend.”

She was gone. When they woke up in the morning, she was already gone.

Donghae’s parents sat in the living room of their house, hands shaking as they read a letter she left behind. Donghae’s mother couldn’t stop crying, looking from the letter to the door of Donghae’s bedroom and back. She couldn’t bear the pain, not at all. Wave after wave of excruciating anguish hit her mercilessly, and she couldn’t help but weep, hard into her husband’s shoulder. They read the letter over and over, refusing to believe that it was true.

Dear Dongwon and Younghee,

I’m sorry that things are ending this way. I don’t know what else to do. Everything hurts too much, and I see no end in sight. I’ve tried everything, but nothing works. I couldn’t afford the life I wanted to give my son. I want him to be happy, but I don’t think I can give him that. Never have I ever wanted a father for him as much as I do now. He’s a bright boy and I love him so much. Please tell him that. Always tell him that. Tell him that eomma misses her son as much as he misses her. There are pictures in the biscuit tin I hide in the drawer in my room. Please give them to him so he remembers me.

Thank you for caring for Hyukjae whenever I wasn’t around. He always comes back home happy after you let him come over to play with Donghae. He always tells me how much fun he has there. I’m very grateful to both of you, and Donghae of course, for bringing him so much joy. He’s very shy, and he doesn’t know how to express himself very well, so please be patient with him when he struggles to speak. When he’s older, tell him that eomma has always believed in him. He has a bright future ahead of him. I know.

Dongwon and Younghee, after I go, please watch after Hyukjae until he finds a place to stay. We don’t have any relatives. All of our relatives cut us off after finding out that I had Hyukjae before marriage. I don’t think any of them will come back to care for my son. If the authorities come and take him away, please let them. Even if they put him in an orphanage, it’s alright as long as he’s well-taken care of. I love him so much and I only want the best for him. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one to give him what he deserves.

Thank you so much, Dongwon and Younghee. Everything you have done for Hyukjae and I means a lot to me. Every meal, outing and celebration we’ve had together means a lot to me. I’m sure they mean a lot to Hyukjae too.

Please always be healthy, happy and safe, my friends.

Till we meet again someday,

Lee Eunjung

“Why are you crying?” Donghae asked, squeezing past the gap in his bedroom door. He tugged on his pyjama pants and walked towards the sofa gingerly, hugging his mother. He stared at the letter in his father’s hands, frowning. Is that the reason why his parents were tearing at eight in the morning? Donghae climbed onto his mother’s lap, pointing at the piece of paper, ripped from a notebook. “What’s that?”

Donghae’s father cleared his throat, forcing as best a smile as he could possibly manage. “Hyukjae’s mother wrote us a little letter. She’ll be going away for a while, Hae. Can you promise me something?”

“What is it, appa?” 

“If Hyukjae is sad, can you promise to make him smile again?”

Donghae wriggled about on his mother’s lap, smiling brightly. “Of course! I promise. I’ll make sure Hyukkie always smiles, even if he’s really, really sad.”

“Good,” his father said hoarsely. “He might be sad for a little while.”

Donghae never broke the promise he made with his father. Never. Hyukjae knew this, and he never took advantage of it. He tried his best to help Donghae too; to pick himself up with as much effort as he did for him. Sometimes it worked, other times he had to fully rely on Donghae for support. It was a miracle he had lasted twenty-seven years, and he knew a large part of it was all thanks to Donghae’s kindness, and his family’s of course. He would never forget how it was them that took him in after his mother’s passing. He had always struggled with expressing himself, something that even his mother knew, but he tried his best to show his gratitude towards Donghae in othe